Is it the weather dammit ?

There's so much to say , to yell , to vent out. And yet I won't speak a word.
I'm finding no listeners. I've been muted.

I'll draw a story I believe in the most in my head. And I will keep working around it.
 I won't let others fill in their colors as they wish. I'll only allow colors to be filled in partially to justify my colors.

I'll sob like a kid for nothing which is actually a cocktail of everything.
I'll laugh on nothing , which really is nothing. I'll make it look like its everything!

I'll type words I can make of on this qwerty. And it will not change any minds. Or break any ice. But I'll still write in no hope to be read anytime.

I'll not look in the eye and talk now onwards. It will make me unwillingly smile . And I can't let that smile takeover & turn it all futile.

Its all over - I'm dead serious. I will say a hundred times. And yet turn the pages back in a while.
I've closed the book now. And nobody heard me saying "I'm dead serious - this is over at last. Dont want to hold on anymore."

Walk a mile in my shoes.

Listen.

I understand its possible to like two people at the same time , where those two like you back too.
And we are only talking about liking. You aren't even the villain. You're the hero.
 But its not manageable to set your feet in two boats.
Confusing. Hell , yeah!
If I were in your place...I would have gone mad much before.
Your persistence and willingness to keep alive this triangle-like bonding is what led this , this far.
  However , its not manageable to  not be inclined towards atleast one of them ... and try so hard not to lose the other.

Because you know what..you've already lost the other one.
She has an emotional error. She knows you care.
She only can't believe it completely. She doesn't feel it.
And she wishes to be set free.

And let me tell you..its not hurting anyone.  For as far as I understand...I do not understand this concoction of friendships , love , feelings , care since it is only getting discursive with every passing day.
Plus what can hurt..when nobody is doing wrong ? 

Maybe we should just let it go. And thats what I beg - Let it go..!
  
No justifications. No explanations. No obligation.No apologizing.

All you may know..When something doesn't feel right..it just doesn't feel right. 
She hasn't stopped caring. She isn't cutting off. 
She's only untying a knot that shouldn't be there anymore.

And most of all...she's letting YOU free!

Timing.

I have a gut feeling that unless I learn to buy a gadget all by myself - it is not going to survive!

So I broke the touch screen of my x6 , again :P

Which stupid person on earth does garba while keeping the cell phone in one hand and clapping over it ? :P

I did :|

I had a great tiring dancing weekend. And I was obviously turned off for killing my cell phone.

Most of my friends and cousins think that I've become very self absorbed. I don't involve much in talks. I don't respond well. And the truth is I know that. But I'm not willing to do anything about it.

I'm very irritated and I don't have any specific reason for the same.And I'm not sorry for my behavior.

I want people to stop talking to me if they have issues with me.I cannot entertain complaints for now
because I'll be my old self again in some time.
I don't have the energy to explain. My mind's already quite screwed up.

Anyway..coming back to Garba..this time it was quite a disappointment. The crowd wasn't as rocking. The arrangements were annoying.

Its so weird and ironic. The things you always wanted to be a part of..you never could because there were restrictions.
And now when you have the freedom...you are not THAT inclined towards it.

Everything has a timing.

If you didn't make it then..you might as well do someday..
but
odds are..it will loose its charm.

96 days ago.

So far I know..nothing can possibly fill the void.

Irreplaceable 

Nothing can possibly  FIT for what has been left.

Just find distractions everywhere. Just try being a part of something funny.

It can be tiring. 

And then I'm too fed up to do anything about it.

  Got to make efforts

96 days ago.

My ipod notes read.

Ninety six days ago.

I wrote to myself.

That we always have a choice.

And I meant it every whichever way.

Come to think of it...its between

whether I choose to be sad.

Or I'm ready to look beyond.

Most of the times..state of mind is only but a

choice.

My choice ?? does a pendulum dance.

There's too much fooling around.

Fickle mind.

Maybe I just want to shut down for a while.

And reach one person who can tell me 

What the hell am I supposed to do.

Or not.

What on earth am I supposed to feel.

Or not.
 

Damned.

Battery dead.

So its kind of obvious now.
 I invite disasters.

Starting off with my latest experiment with my hair. Didn't go well. And yes I did the usual..went back to the salon..fought with the hairdresser , made complaints , went mad... except that I'm so tired of having bad results that for a change I'm absolutely not reacting anymore.
It still remains a sad story. Its hardly anything to laugh about  , ok ?
But I will bring hell for the salon!

Severe changes in routine are misleading my appetite. I eat so much these days. Plus I've stopped going on walk. So its not balancing AT ALL.
I was rejoicing over losing an inch off my waistline. And that in itself took roughly 2 months. Now I see regaining just as much over 2 weeks :|
Body metabolism!! This is one god gift you must have :P

My temper issues. Its discomforting to me that I find myself not being able to work in a group. Yes I'm the over smart kind in that segment. I want things to be done  my way. I want people to listen to me not because I want to dominate but because I feel I'm right almost always :P And as long as I'm being logical and fast-tracking work...people shouldn't be having problem with my suggestion. But eventually the biggest problem is that everyone thinks that they're right! :|
It turns me off when everything that can run smoothly and perfectly goes kaput.
Credit issues as well. Huh. Group work is testing my patience.I only keep telling myself to calm down.


My battery is kind of empty.

There's no energy left to be mad.

Idiot is Boxed.

For the next two years I might only curse myself when I look into the mirror and question what the F have I done to my life.
But this time I cannot blame anyone except -  myself.
( Somehow passing on the blame had become so convenient , I forgot what a scapegoat I'd become.)
So am gonna have to adjust to that.
I'm gonna have to adjust to the fact , and drink the regret/guilt that this could have been a prettier picture.

For an year I fought with my mind's innumerable voices..my indecision nucleus...and now when I'm concluding it - it feels so stupid I'd rather eat up the year gone by.

Its not so much about the time wasted or given...its about the final product.
What I did with it in the end.
And its killing.

I weighed my options so much and so many times that I killed every instinct and intuition there was to my passion.
It all just rotted while the time flew by.

But I guess its good enough that at least I'm gonna start doing something . I'm scared how it will turn out to be. I'm scared I'm not following what I wanted to. I'm scared that I'm jumping into a race.I'm scared I'm not going to a good college.

BUT

I'm just gonna go do it.

Because I'm an IDIOT.

An idiot who has vague plans to follow or do something about her big dream after 2 yrs!!

I'm mad with myself. Very very mad.

And I don't know what to do of my cousins.
They're supporting me like I just got myself into Harvard :P
How stupidly funny every damn thing is! :D

'Extra Attention'

 Its tough to impress dad. I don't make much of an effort to get noticed ..but somewhere I'm desperate for him to appreciate & acknowledge ONE damn thing that I've done or  that I do.
OK I'm aware there isn't anything *very* impressive about me either . .  .but only so much for my creative inputs!!

I still follow what he says...'you don't need certificates from others..you need to certify yourself..that's more important' 
But I demand to know what harm would a little active encouragement do ?

And he asks me why do I need extra attention ?!
Booom boom boom!

Of all the things that I dislike the most is that he NEVER appreciated my music skills.
My music sir may praise me , tag me fav & talented student ( which I genuinely feel is an exaggerated form of encouragement ) but dad ?!?

NEVER!!

Whats more annoying & hurtful is when he declares I'm yet to have proper sense of music.
Where as I'm good enough! I know that because I can feel it in every beat of my heart when I play it!
I know how to play , what speed to play with...and I can harmonically balance the taal and raag. That's what sir has always appreciated me for!!

Agreed..I stopped giving music exams. I haven't learnt a new raag since two years. But I still enjoy playing whatever I've learnt. And I am pretty good at it!

Damn.

I've given up on this episode though. I avoid touching the piano or harmonium when he is around.
I like to play when I'm alone. Without any listeners. Without being judged. ( Except if its appreciated :P )
Just for myself.

Wow! And do I even need to mention the power of music ? Its splendid!

Dormant.

You were alone. You are alone. And you will be alone.

Learn to walk alone.

Been given that piece of advice long back. It has only started to sink in my head now ...now when I'm going through intense swapping behavioral , mood and personality changes.

Now when I'm so indifferent , so rugged , so tired ...that all I wish is to go away and really for once..live alone.

At this point. I could trade anything.'Coz I have nothing to loose but only a cloak of these inflexible thoughts overlapping my true self.

I've lost it. Any leftover enthusiasm that there was.
Battling against and for god knows how many voices inside me.

I miss being me.Specially a part of me...that  made efforts to comply with her wants.
Who never refused taking calls..chatting..texting friends... shopping....watching movies.
Who liked disturbing closed ones.
Who now..doesn't talk much. Doesn't feel like talking much.Doesn't grumble. Doesn't want to grumble.
Instead has made herself excessively rude.
Whose friends & parents are not too happy with these fresh undesirable traits.

Someone truly read me right - I've lost the child in me.
And strangely I don't even have an urge to go back to being what I was.
I don't  feel like praying heartily. I only sit in front of the idols staring at them for some sensible explanation. For enlightenment.For magic.

I'm THAT passive.

How does festival and guilt taste ?

I really loathe it when discussions at home within extended family turn to studies and careers.
 I mean , of course that's bound to happen since the most talked about topics are - the stock market and other business related stuff - But I seriously dislike it.

Its like my guilt syrup.

I don't know what's happening.Where life is moving.What's going to happen. Of course nobody knows that...but the point is I'm tired of all my questions. Not a single one is being answered. Not a single road is unblocked. Not a single step has been made. Either I backtrack or I simply don't turn up. Either I'm a coward or I'm pushing away the opportunities  ( that's a big word for whatever came knocking at my door )
Or I'm just a loser.


Whatever it is...all I know is 'waiting' for something good to happen won't happen at all , after- all.
Worse is I don't even have wild ideas. Crazy I mean.Something I'd just take up for a revolution and do it , come rain or shine.As for the routine non-crazy ideas ...I don't have enough conviction.

Basically I feel the part of my brain which is supposed to generate ideas is rusted.

What the hell! :O

-*-*-* Diwali *-*-*

Food food food! That's all I can say of this Diwali. Ate a lot!
Please note :  all mouth watering dishes eaten at one meal never count. Its so unfair! You cannot decide which one you should invest more on :P

Diwali night was fun.Feeded my bro's  mind [ 5.5 yrs old ] with all the pollution and 'you are destroying our planet' lecture. He wanted to give up firing crackers! He was so moved :P
" I won't fire crackers on Diwali "
Then whats the point if you plan to fire them later ? :S
" No on diwali..the entire world must be firing crackers nooo! So I won't add to the pollution. I'll fire crackers the next day. "
Very smart , lol :)
The tactic kinda worked though.He doesn't want to buy too many crackers next year :D

I'm not much into crackers myself. Not that I'm scared. I'm just not into it. And yeah the amount of pollution a handful of crackers can bring about - is definitely a turn off.
This year however a lot of crackers were burnt in my colony unlike last year.Made up for the 'festival' feel. Then lots of sweets!! And also lot of neighbours came down to wish unlike before.I didn't step into the house of single one though. There were too many things that kept me occupied. Plus , I don't even have to mention how much fun my cousins are to be with =)

Summing up : enjoyable! Time flied ~~~~~~ which it does , when you are having a good time!

Ajab Gajab : Life and movie

Some things in life are so ajab gajab.
I'm not mad/ angry or upset with my friends for not understanding me when the least I want them to do is - understand, if not support.
But if there's anything that sucks even more - it is how I fail to explain.
And some times..its really very important to explain.Nobody's clairvoyant - not with emotions.

I cannot believe I have to face this situation yet again! The key to all these weird problems is with my parents.Man! They need to get liberal now.Its so annoying to be subdued with so many fucking restrictions.Or maybe just this very restriction which always proves to be a big hindrance in making friends.

Its not fair.I'm losing friends.I always did because of this in-house stupidity.Somehow..the feeling of having lost a friend doesn't bother me so much than the feeling of currently-losing-a-friend.

To top it all - My mom can get so unreasonable at times.Who am I talking to on phone ? What did I talk ?
What the hell! Why doesn't she simply ask me if I have any bf.I'll nicely tell her that I DON'T.She can ask me that a hundred times and I swear I won't answer back.But what's with ..who and why and what ??? Be clear ..mom..I cannot live with so many haunting questions.Just be direct in your words.

I cannot afford the feeling of friend abandonment.It costs me all my powers of keeping myself calm , collected , GOOD and positive which again isn't an easy earning for me.


Ajab Prem Ki Gajab Kahani :

This one's not bad.No , actually its kinda good in spite of the stupidity here and there.
I'll always remember this movies for Ranbir Kapoor and specially for his dance act!
It was superb ! Made me laugh! But more than that..the act was so damn Creative and flamboyant + its amazing how he manged to do it so naturally.( Must watch !)
This dude has it all in his nerves / ..DNA! I'm quite in awe.*Admirer seal*
Ranbir's gonna go a long way.

The best small scene was where you hear a gunshot , followed by the song 'Race hai .. ' to which a character in the movie responds " ye ring tone change kar pehle"
( It will make you laugh when you actually see the scene and the background on which the dialogue fits )

lol..How do these ppl think of such things ?? Its all about timing and I so love the smartness!

Tp movie , btw.Eagerly looking forward to watching 2012!

Crackers

I'll be lying if I say Diwali was Great but it was fine & fun.No complaints.No grumbling from my side.Its been too fast like always.And some muck-in-your-face moments just made it worse.There are such unimaginable characters around ! Some people are really sick.But then , I don't care.The problem is : its a disaster when some really close people have something very hurting to say.

Its getting too much for me to get over so many emotions at one single time.So many decisions.And so many comparisions.However , somehow I didn't feel that pang of guilt , rage or regret anytime.Maybe I'm just too tired - to react , to boil my blood over or to shed tears.

Anyway , Diwali : I socialized a little bit.Stepped into my neighbour's home which otherwise I wouldn't ever do.I mean most of them are useless or pathetic or DUMB! And then I'm not quite fond of anyone except my extended family.Family's family.Simply great ! Neighbours are neighbours - they spy , they gossip , they are never there for you for even a tiny help if required , and they are just not your family.Why would they care for you ?!

I do LIKE to interact with people , talk to them ; wanting to keep a sensible conversation going on but my neighbours are not sensible enough.I mostly feel like I'm surrounded by strangers.People seem so busy to respond to a smile.To say a hello once a while.Act so weird.Its pathetic.But anyway , not all of them are that way.There are FEW nice people too.And its always good to talk to them.

One of the reasons why the non sensible ones are categorized into that field is because of their patent dialogue : "Kitni baadi ho gayi!" As if I'm supposed to be 10 yrs old - forever!

I didn't fire crackers.I'm not crazy about it.I like watching people do that.I like watching the sky glitter.But I hate the noise.Some crackers sound good , others- most - are deafening!

I wonder why am not hyper with festivity.Why I'm not over excited.I haven't been whole-heartedly mentally PRESENT in last couple of days in any of the activities around the home.
I'm just not me.Not the hyper me.Not the normal me.Not the shy one.Not the sad one.Not having stupid crushes either.Just someone I haven't ever been.So lifeless.

Somewhere I know what's bothering me...

and ...

we are back to square one - Its bothering me , AGAIN.

I would have been able to keep the troubles at bay..had I figured a solution which I just don't see coming to me.Whirlwind of Trash!

* BB : Wanted to see Inglorious Bastards.

P2 : oh..I didn't hear of that movie.

BB : You just say..we are going for Inglorious beep beep.

And then , we actually laughed =) I love it when I laugh at something which isn't a 'joke' but timely funny.Love the moment.

Honest Killer Confusion

Its so difficult to choose between passion and duty

Its even more difficult to choose between obligation & desire.

I'm gearing up to be a bit logically selfish.

I'm tired of keeping myself in a state of oblivion.

I'm tired of being fickle minded.

I'm tired of WANTING to please someone but not doing anything significant to please.

I'm tired of talking to myself.

I have a big decision to make within a week.And this time I cannot escape.

Not a coward - I simply don't have the guts to talk about changing my career.

But I MUST!

Already wasted an year doing abs nothing. I want to see myself accomplishing something good in life..be it small in volume , be it not very attractive , be it something that doesn't turn into a money machine - but be something that makes me content of doing it.

Living in a different city , hostel life , food & eating habits , being a typical shy introvert who could cry at a drop of a hat , who cannot face a minimal humiliation - that's all a different chapter to deal with.

The index itself is going to create a helluva fuss.

Thrills & Chills

I'm getting attracted to Sad sappy songs at the time when I'm having crushes.Its been TWO years after which I'm having butterflies in my stomach/getting anxious for a guy.All this time the butterflies were for action movies , thrilling novels , not seeing or surprisingly seeing a special online friend , few compliments once in a blue moon & of course shopping.I didn't know it will be so SOON that I'll start liking someone again.I wanted to wait.But of course , this one ain't no serious/strong liking , nor am I gonna turn it into that.I cannot fall weak this bloody time!

The major issue right now is the choice of songs I've been listening to.Listening to highly emotionally challenging songs is not a great idea when you are already feeling low.It brings a lump in my throat.The problem is , I feel as if some one's making me listen to these songs.I mean no matter how much I decide , I just click onto the ones that are sentimental.I'm not even deleting them! Nor will I ask anyone to do that for me.Its like am being dragged to songs like an addict to a drug.However, my drug doesn't make me feel high.Its not harmful either :P Huh What kind of bloody drug is this ?

Ok I have an answer for this one.I got a text from a friend which I'm modifying to bring my answer.

I'm so addicted to the drug of sad songs that if I have nothing to compensate for its deficiency - I'll use noodles to hang myself , sponge to hit me , rubber knife to cut my vein & water pistol to blow my head.

That should land me in a thermocol hospital/rehab , lol.

And thermocol reminds me of something I saw on TV few days back.It was on 'India's Got Talent.' There was this group called Illuminati which staged the most popular video game 'Super Mario'. They used UV effect & had the entire set of the game made in thermocol - like the tortoise , the Dollar points , bricks etc.It was so damn creative !!! I loved playing Mario in my childhood.The way they staged it - it was as if you're watching a Mario movie !

I was impressed.Superbly creative.

Restless Soul

• I'd been restless because of as you know of the last post.Everything's OK now!Few days back , Dad bought me Philips DVD player with a 16:9 screen.I don't like it at all.It doesn't store movies.Its doesn't have a USB port!! I had longed for a creative zen but didn't have the courage to ask him to get me one..& now I regert because it would have been anytime better if he'd have got me the Zen which btw is the sexiest gadget till date.I'm ready to trade my dvd player > get back the cash > put in some more > buy the zen!! I'm restless because the player is such a waste of money! My stomach churns :(
• I have to actually 'work hard' for fucking bcom exams which are good for nothing.The fact that few people I know , put in just 1/10th effort in studying compared to me & yet score 2 times better than what I do - kills me! How can my soul , mind , energy , brain cells be in place ? The restlessness moves like a current in my body.I do get frustrated thinking that my actual hard work won't bring fruitful results.Its my FEAR > Restlessness at its peak!
• Never never never ever listen to songs 4 times a day ( same songs that too ) during exams.I've been humming songs & the music between the lyrics like crazy.I eat ♪ kya hua tera wada ♪--- I try to sleep ♪You're my angel ♪ ---- I begin to study ♪Love mera hit hit♪ ---- I try to recollect some formula ♪Viva la Vida's opening instrumental music♪ awfully random songs ! Love mera hit hit ?? I don't actually listen to it.I play it to dance.Again something I do to deviate myself.Its getting highly irksome so much so that I've started to hate listening to music.HATE ? Isn't it AwwFool ? I love Kya hua Tera Wada ..one of those old songs I can actually listen a dozen times.
• I skipped ♪music exam this year.There are no punishments.So life is adding extra pounds of taking-things-for-granted along with the fallacy : time-is-all-I-have.I'm restless of living in certain myths.Restless of ignoring the greatest tools available to be able to transform myself into a great personality.Restless of jacketing myself with backlog. Music has taken a back -seat & there's an important confession to make here - I'm not enjoying it any more.The angel in me thinks its a very sad state of affairs. The devil believes I do not need to learn things only to give exams & earn certificates.When both of these do not speak , my passion & my honest-self says " Keep it going ..keep learning..but only what you LOVE because you confused soul..you want to do it for yourself!" I've decided to discontinue learning ♪ Rags & classical music required to give exams.I want to learn to sing , get some basics strong & learn those ♪ Rags which I find a lot of joy in playing.
• I'm prolly going to flunk in accounts.Its a shame I know.And I have a set of excuses too but those do not justify at all. That's all I have to say!
• Its burning hot here. 47.3°C since last 4-5 days .I have a headache almost every day.Headaches would make anybody restless !
• Haven't had pizza for a month.Chocolate cake...2 months!! coldcoffee ? AGES! Ok bye now..before this post gets deleted by itself ..like it was published only with the title. lol ..been pressing wrong keys.

Packing up Hope

I stayed 3 more days in Pune. Ate out everyday ..been to Bashos - cool restaurant , pizza hut & village.
Had hukkah 5 times in last 10 days but I cldnt take more than 3 puffs at a time.Was feeling so dizzy :S And I 'll try not to have it again. Kinda wastes my effort on pranayam.
Lunch was at home ( my uncle's place ) & I was finding it too hard to gulp down a molecule of that food.The cook over there cooks everything so weird.Or maybe I'm just not used to that kind of food.I missed ghar-ka-khana so much ! Nothing beats what my mum cooks.I've decided not to nag now onwards.I so under-estimated what she cooks :P Sorry mum!

One of my first cousin's got a very good job at Calyon Bank with a fairly nice package in this time of recession.He got what he was really looking for.I'm so excited & happy for him :)
That didn't help me much to stay happy for a long time because there's just one thing that blinks ahead of my idle mind - "you black sheep!"
And the only thing I say to the study-devil that hounds me is " I know I know..I need to study , but I just don't know where to start from.I'm running late as always :("

Looking back , I have always gone through that phase where I've told myself "I could have done better" but nobody really gives a damn about it because the only thing that mattered was whether I really did anything better.But I never did.Too much of the 'but' congestion in my life.
So with two of my first cousins having great jobs at multinational banks , there's obviously a lot of expectation ( from a hopeless student like me ) from this little 19 yr old girl who feels 16 , who hates exams , who wishes if she had have got into Arts , who cannot make the head & tail of accounts/tax & yet is pursing CA.

My problem is that I'm not at all confident & thats mainly because I'm not too much interested in what I'm doing.But I'm still somehow pulling time to make some other people happy around me , thought honestly speaking , I'm not trying :( which is not making others happy anyway!

I badly need to resume studying.Its been a long break..can count in months! :(
We all got together for a small dinner party at my cousin's place yest to celebrate his achievement.Went to the temple later on.I felt so good after a long time and sadly all these days I didn't seek help from god.I suddenly realized what I've been missing on.

I know God is not going to write my exams but just praying gives me a little hope & strength to open my books.He's my confidence back-up.I do feel guilty for asking for anything just when I need it ..& all that but this is important.I cannot afford to disappoint dad once again :(

X-mas

I spoilt my x-mas.
Went to a nearby club which although arranges a party for kids , has the maximum no. of teenagers.I did not wish to go anywhere this year.Not even Church.But then at the last moment , I thought of going to this club...just for the food they provide.Its delicious! Too tempting to let go.
But the food was the worst I had this year.Worse than the Indian food we ate in Mauritius .
On top of this , the party was such a kiddo freak type.There were just bees of kids around running from once place to another.And some stupid games arranged for them.
The music system..no I'll blame the DJ..who probably didn't have the sense not to play a song like 'I wanna F you' on X-mas Party.So loud.So clear.Nobody was deceived.
The crowd was disappointing.I mean there should have been at least one cute guy around ??
My bad , none!
I joined some 15 yr olds for dance.That was the stupidest thing I could have done.I should have sticked to the fact that I was there only to eat the food.But I danced! Like hell I did! grrrr! Thankfully nobody my age whom I knew was there..it would have been embarrassing otherwise.

The funniest thing was that the children tore Santa's clothes :P lol!
And what I found much more funnier was that these 15 yr olds consider them self the queen & king of the world.I wanted to slap one or two of them .We weren't so silly at 15 , you crack brained young adults! :P
I seriously was in the wrong place at the wrong time.With wrong music , wrong food , wrong guys & a miserably wrong Santa.

Not my way of celebrating X-mas.Next year I'm staying home. :X

Dark hour...when's dawn ??

I'm back to my mode of > my-world-is-shattering , of getting frustrated , of crying for NOTHING , of feeling helpless , of wanting to turn into a robot & behave like one - following instructions - having no mind of mine at all , of being upset , of not wanting to be happy no matter what , being disappointed , of disappointing , of cribbing silently , of nagging , of volcanic temper just waiting to explode ..no in fact not waiting at all ..who said I'm that patient ??

Things are not so great.So I'm nagging a lot.I don't know why I break down for little things like I freaking couldn't watch a movie with friends.I've been crying over little things that shouldn't bother me a lot.And yet , I cannot help it !
What do they say ...The darkest hour is just before dawn. Is that true with me ? Though I don't see what is dark about my life.There are just several things I'm not OK with.Worst , I cannot change them ! So I do only one thing that am really good at - do nothing ( & at least blog bout it )

On top of this , I have an urge to give up the course I'm studying as I'm not getting to do things my way. But its a dead desire. Somewhere its a prestige issue as well. So I have to carry on with it anyway. But I'm not being sincere enough , nor am I honest to it..so I know I have to end it.

I feel like running away somewhere , fleeing in other words.
Its hard to accept but yes I'm not quite liking the way I'm living or made to live.What I think is that when I have all the facilities available to me , I'm not enjoying as much as my friends are!!
Dad is being more strict than he ever was :-|
Spats with mom are a routine now.
Not many hang-outs with friends.
Very very clumsy living .
Music is on standstill.My sir is probably quite mad with me.Or disappointed ?? I'm suddenly charged up & religious towards learning music only when I get to know from him that his other students are doing pretty well. That arouses my feelings , but only to last for 2 days. I'm definitely not proud of this attitude of mine. Freaks me out !!
And to make it real bad ..I didn't score as much as I expected in the music exam :(
Both , my sir & I thought that I did pretty well with practicals & both of us were pretty shocked with the result.

AND...apart from everything else , talk of material things - I lost my fav watch :(
Have no idea how , when , where...but it wasn't on my wrist before the lecture started.And I'm kinda habitual of looking at my watch again & again , so if I would trail back to the events of that day , I think it just fell over while crossing the road ? Or fell over while I was on my bike.
Now , that shows how absent-minded & careless I could be. Another side of my attitude thats freaking me out.
I want that watch back... or somebody fix my Rado watch !!

In a Fix..

I'm totally jammed. What's worse is that I've found myself jittering with the decision-making.
Ok , so the situtation is as follows -
Adi [ a school friend ] called me up on Friday inviting me for the Friendship's Day party. I knew I couldn't go because of a story thats highly weird & funny , jittery as well . Will write that later..huh. So this gal asked me to reach an Italian food court on Sunday. I had to quickly think of some lame reason why I cannot turn up for this party.So I told her that I've got to go out of town for a family function. She fumed , first.Then , lectured me.

"Yaar you always do that . Every time we invite you for any party , you have some function!"
I was just trying to recollect how many times have I used this excuse ? Just once I suppose. I wanted to revert back..but a lecture is supposed to be a lecture , how on this earth could that be stopped ??
"You didn't come for lunch last week at Priyanti's B'day ..
[ I couldn't because of that weird story again ..]
you didn't turn up for my party
[ That was in Jan , I had to prepare for CPT dammit! ]
, you didn't come at Rucha's party either !!"
[ Ah well , I didn't feel like , take a broom & hit me now..]

If you don't come THIS time , we won't ever invite you again."

That felt good I tell you.No , not the fact that I wouldn't be invited again but the fact that for the first time in so many years after leaving school , I felt that yes these friends care for me.They want me at the party ! woohoo ! And so much pestering & lecturing & cajoling from Adi , was like a woohoo again . I felt nice . For one , that they really wanted me to come. Secondly , I just loved it man !
I was mad with these school friends because they'd go out for movies & stuff so many times but never ask me to come along.Then , I just started ignoring such things.But I was always invited at b'day parties , of girls only.I don't talk much with the school guys.Hardly in touch with any of them & I don't know why but I always felt awkward talking to them after we got out of school. I was tagged "shy" in school . Introvert too , by these guys. But its not true. I really don't have much to talk about !!

Anyway , back to square one. So Adi carried on .. " Look , you don't have to go for that function.We always wonder why you never show up.So please come ..got it ??? And its been like an year now , that we've met ..we'll have lot of fun reee..you're coming ok ? "
It took me an hour to manage to ask dad if I could go for this party.He allowed me finally!
Next morning , I told Adi , I'll be there.

The twist -
On Saturday , I logged into orkut & found that it was Abhi's b'day. Texted him wishes.He called back & invited me to his party at that same Italian restaurant.
Now , first of all ..its was so difficult for me to get permission for one party.On top of that , here's another one just a day before the permitted party. I was in such a mess.
I desperately wanted to go to Abhi's party . The only reason being that I'll have all my F CA [ future CA ] friends out there! The ones I currently love being with. It had been long since I met all of them . And since I feel out of place at any of my school-friend's party or at any party with school friends, I really wished to enjoy this one.
But I had already given my words to Adi.Also , there was noooo way , absolutely no wayy to ask dad for permission for yet another party.

I really would have gone to Abhi's party , & that wouldn't have made me feel guilty about missing the Sunday party. As if it is , I don't enjoy being with school guys so much because I do not talk to them & its weird to be going to a party when you talk only to the few some girls.
So I thought of backing out of Sunday's party but then I couldn't.I shouldn't.Had I known that it was Abhi's bday on 2nd , I would have given another lame reason to Adi to escape the friendship Day party. But too late for that.
This was some kind of a puzzle or catch-22 situation. No matter what I chose , I was to be in a fix.

Finally , I basked in the party of school friends , feeling helpless about everything. The deal of never being invited again , as Adi said , didn't sound worth either. And on the other hand , I didn't like sitting like a plastic doll in a party , smiling occasionally & having almost nothing to talk about.
Ahhhh , I think I should have backed out.But I'd paid too :

But anyway , the party was fine.Danced & all that.Great food ! Didn't talk to the guys as usual except one or two who had enough modesty to come to me & wish me. The only thing that hitched me was that I had to pay for this one & not a meagre amount.In fact , I had to pay a little too much.Everyone did.It didn't quite pay-off in the end , but its fine.No cribbing , shh!

Everyone loved my outfit .And specially my stilettos :D. But I shouldn't have worn them & danced..having a terrible back pain now!