Walk the talk.

Something , and infact I'd say a lot has metamorphosed in me in the past few days.
 I feel responsible with a guilt riding over my head making me cringe.
But the difference is that I want to take and act on that responsiblity.

Now that this sapience has conceded , am desperate to makeup for the loss of the past years of what I would name as the prolonged teenage f**khead 'me' phase!

Its as if I'm only a couple of mins late on the platform when the train I had to board on - has already departed.
I will have to run. Sweat a little. And then I'll catch it. I'll do.

But its scary to think what if am unable to catchup ?
 It makes me groan out aloud. The thought makes me weep inside , for all we know - I'd take the blame over me.

Its time to take charge of everything. Its time to get onto this track. I have to and I want to make things allright. I want to take care of my family.
They are all that matters right now.

Yes , it was about me. Everything has always been about ME. Whether or not I was happy? Whether or not I was fulfilling my dreams ?  Whether I was not getting what I wanted ? Me. Me. Me!
But I forgot there was so much more to me , of me & about me.

My thoughts. I am working on my thoughts.
I'm putting efforts to heal my body mentally , spiritually and emotionally. It will take weeks , months... but I'm determined not to let anything make me slip from here.

Health has been on my list for quite a long time. The problem with me is that all my pursuance fails at a point. So I HAVE to be persistent. I can't afford any other option this time.
 I'm pursuing fitness. Giving myself Ayurvedic tonics and doing yoga and cardio.
I am expecting and aiming for a radical change in myself by November. This Diwali I'm gonna give  this wonderful gift 'fitness' which I have denied myself intermittently.

It feels good when you try to take things in your stride. When you are at least being honest to yourself. I've already wasted so much time and I'm not allowing that to undermine my enthusiasm.

Nike's mantra is for everyone - Just do it!

Selfless gratitude

Sometimes hearing 'Be Brave' in a relaxed -yet -in- all -seriousness -tone from ONE person is far greater than twenty others asking you to take care.

Its a skill to be able to convey a message with all genuineness.The one who hears gains some momentum in his/her strength.Feels good :)

Thanks to my hottest friends for being my coolest energy drink.
Thank you for NOT sympathizing.

Thank you God.Thank you Mom.
Thank you my extended family.
Thanks to P1 & P2.Thanks to my brother.
No thanks to dad : you never warned me ?!?!

I am exhausted .On top of that I'm losing my temper in same magnitude as am draining out.I need to act 19 , for god sake! Or atleast very responsible.Perfectly responsible.So that nobody gets to makes a fuss of my tiny lethargic flaws.


The latest in self-realization is that : I've at last put a debate with myself on hold - of whether I'm selfish or not.
My innocent self doesn't allow me to see myself selfish.I haven't reached a conclusion as yet , but I guess its leading to a way that's telling me that I have faith on my rather indescribable confidence OR I have confidence in my rather indescribable faith BUT NOT SELFISH.Either of the two but certainly one of the two.
I can't let a third option pop-in because that can only be lethargy , considering which is a pain to me.
Maybe I should stop debating.Its OK to be a little selfish , isn't it ? And its OK not to be ;)

Focusing back to priorities - THANK GOD! I mean thank YOU God! :))
I wasn't scared at all.I knew everything would be abs fine.
Thank you dad.( I don't exactly know for what - for telling something & yet hiding something more imp. But thanks now that you did tell SOME thing which is good & detailed )

(Mental+physical) work out

One thing I've learnt in this unusually non-over-analysis & self-observation state is that solution to every single thing is not cribbing about the problem.Grumbling doesn't help either.Even when there isn't a problem in the true sense of the word , there is really no need to grumble.

Secondly , I've been criticizing every little detail around me.Be it movies or being upset about the new furniture at home.I made mistakes.I never actively took charge of what was being done to the house.Now I don't deserve to complain!

Thirdly , I really must stop criticizing right now.Its wicked how I've been debating aggressively of how an actor did not do well in a movie.Whats the big deal ? And more importantly WHY ? Its cunning that I of all people has forgotten to appreciate.I have been the one to make an effort to make others appreciate any particular person or thing whether or not I fancy the same.Now I've turned into the fault-finder.

I love to appreciate - could be out of envy at times & strangely mixed with genuineness - but I always did.The more faults I find , the more upset I am.

Now onto the cheerful side - Joining gym has been the most refreshing thing I've done in last one YEAR.Yes! I cld have joined dance class & ignited my passion for dancing but I just couldn't make it.Exercising has been a lot of fun specially when I get to spend a good 45 mins with one of my best friends when otherwise we wouldn't be able to meet & talk endlessly :) That makes the work out much more easier. I have lost about 2 kgs in less than 2 months but my body isn't perfectly toned up yet.In fact , its not toned up at all :-(

Guys at gym are weird.That's the least to say.Some are funny.And of course I found a cute looking one too :P Turns out he is a Gujju.I'm yet to figure out why I always come across cute gujju guys :D I also feel he is someone I know as we have mutual friends.Hmm :P

I met my friend K yesterday after months.Of all the people on earth , I had to turn to him to help me suggest career options.Although I asked him very casually to find me something , he seems do have done a lot of research.The problem now is , he is forcing his opinion. Huh

I was very happy to know that he actually found out so many things for me , whether I liked all of that or not.Secondly , I'm again very happy & impressed to see how confident he is.I mean so far I always thought this guy only likes to brag but yesterday there was something more to it.He sounded supremely confident , sharing all of his achievements delightedly :-) He talked so much that I started wondering if he is talking to himself.I mean I really did not have a chance to say much & even if I did , I'm sure I wouldn't have had a lot to say.Very typical of me.I listen more.I speak less.

Amidst all , I began admiring him.

He is the guy I unreasonably liked a lot.Never thought that I would re-like him.But atleast am admiring him now :-)

I was feeling good & bad.Jealous on top of that.Good as I'm happy to know him the way he is.Bad as we do not get to spend much time together.Jealous as he has definitely made a lot of friends & am not the special one anymore.

He needs to learn to be chivalrous though.I paid for the treat , yet again! lol

I consider it as my fees for his career counselling .Not very expensive :P

But if I constantly pay this way , I'll run out of all my secretly saved money.

Some relief !

• I'm back on wheels ! After being caged at home for 2 months with little allowance to outdoor commuting , I'm finally freed.Feels great ! So what was I up to all this time ? Nothing ..just no-thing ! Surfing , watching TV & movies , listening to songs & everything that comes under wasting time when you are a student of Chartered Accountancy. The big dig - why was I caged ?
  
• Dad anticipated that I'd meet with an accident anytime in the past 2 months.I would have loved if he had given one particular day or week time where I'm supposed to be careful.But then I couldn't pester him much for that ! Since I've had met with few accidents earlier which were nothing so serious as the word 'accident' & I scored few bruises every time I skidded off , he was very worked up this time.
• Though last year when he warned me , I didn't drive or even rode my 2 wheeler at all for few days.But then when things have to happen , they do happen.I was on my friend's 2 wheeler , she was driving pretty fast , she hit the guy on bike in front of her & we fell.She didn't get hurt that badly as much as I did.I mean I couldn't walk properly for 2 days as my right foot was terribly swollen.
  
• But then I didn't really fracture my legs or hands.And dad always maintains that I'd always have some protection even if I meet with an accident.So I was wondering why wouldn't he let me commute at all ? Not even by car ?? Did sound ridiculous to me. He insisted strongly & since I'm not suppose to question or argue over his predictions , I chose to do what he asked me to do.
• And that time has gone by. Its not like I didn't move out of house AT ALL , I did go to watch movies or that friendship's day party , lunch over cousin's place etc , but it was all within a range of 3 kms from home. I had terrible problem explaining friends why I didn't attend classes or why I never turned up for so many events so many times.Even if I told them the actual reason , they would have found it too silly or would have mocked at me behind my back.Some joke box this topic could have turned into. Thats where I preferred lying.I also understand why they would react in such a manner so I'm chilled about it .
  
• So a 100 lies came to my rescue.I think its OK to lie when you have got to have the better off you. But coming up with innovative , logical lies & the ones that fill up the gap of suspicion is a tough job. Nevertheless , I've got over it & its been 2 weeks now that I'm attending class. - relief - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
• The nearest accident-prone zone from my house has finally got a signal.Its a square of course , but one of the lane emerging out of it is at 45o angle which also has a thin lane by its side at an angle of 30 degree towards its left.Ahh , its complicated & this is the place where most people hit onto each other.But then we finally have a signal & when I first saw that , my reaction was " Oh looook! My my ..we have a signal here ?? " ..jumping out of joy like a Kid in a candy store :P
  
• The fact that I decided to change my cell phone & also the server has brought relief to the people around me & to me too.I mean finally I have made up my mind to buy a new cell phone.All this time , I did look up for some nice piece but was never convinced so thought I should not chuck away this old broken piece which I like anyhow , as it really doesn't matter how many times I drop it or just throw away - its still working , broken but working :D
  
• The dog I have been talking about ran away ! Yes ..it R A N away ! : No wonder why I was feeling like some thing's left out ( was so habitual of listening to its barks ) I came to know that it was unchained which in itself is a rare thing to happen & the rarest of them is that the day he was unchained , the door was left open by dunno whom but lets not get into that.What remains is that the monster fled away & I actually felt like partying or getting myself a cute little puppy pet.But I'm not.

Apart from this . what isn't balancing the relief is the fact that doctors have given words - grandmom ain't gonna regain her eye sight of her right eye.We have plans to sue the doctor for negligence as he never told us about her weak retina & how operating that could be a serious issue.

I'm sick.I'm weak.The food doesn't taste anymore.I'm on liquid diet , soup & juice.Fallen ill second time in a year huh ? too bad !

On health...

It feels sick to fall sick ! And puking is the most terrifying thing. Woke up late today & since morning I had this feeling that I might just vomit any moment. But since I hadn't eaten anything , I couldn't possibly puke. I slept for hours & hours , finally having something in afternoon . Then slept again for 2 hrs & when I woke up , I had the water + saliva dripping out of my mouth. It felt so so so damn terrifying. And You know what happened next !! Also , seconds before vomiting , I felt as if there was something in the stomach working as a vacuum cleaner & sucking my stomach internally ! It didn't pain but it surely took my breadth away - in a bad way !
I can take anything , exhaustion or fever but vomiting is the most disgusting thing ! I would rather prefer falling ill for 10 days then puking once . OK that's off course an exaggerated statement but all I meant was that I just cannot handle that particular trauma !! Its so yuck !!

Anyway , wassup ? Ah well , I've taken up drinking & I'm finding myself heavily addicted to it.
So what is it ? Wine ? Beer ? Tequila ? Vodka ?
No !!
Soft drinks !! :P
I used to have soft drinks only occasionally ..that too once or twice in an year . I did my best to avoid it for so many years. And now , I don't know what's wrong with me ?!
There didn't pass a week this month & before that I didn't drink coke or Pepsi. And I should just avoid it now . So many reasons why NOT to have it !
Soft drinks remind me of hookah. I had hookah just once till now which was last year. My cousin & I went to Mochas at midnight . He assured me it was not injurious . When I asked him for details - he couldn't justify anything that he said. But anyway, it was too tempting to make it go a miss . And the only reason we were there, was to have hookah.
o 0 O 0 o 0 he smoked making rings ! I think I was on the verge of fainting when I had too many doze together.
Just few days back I was asking my friend ( zee ) if we could go to Mr Beans , to have hookah. She said she had no problem with it. But the plan was cancelled and we eventually went for a movie. There were few guys & few girls with me . After the movie , we were just discussing in the parking place 'bout our next plans. Whether to go for lunch ? Or another movie ? We somehow decided to go to Mr Beans only . Zee & I asked who would want to accompany us to have hookah ?
You should have seen the expressions of the guys !! Damn ! All together -
No ! No way !! I'm won't even join for Lunch then ! Sick !!
loll , I was wondering if I had asked then to actually smoke a ciggy !
And then each of them went on explaining why NOT to smoke hookah.
There was some scientific reason like "the water vapours directly go into the lungs" . Someone said "Drugs !"
"Its got coal which has carbon which is what we inhale & that is equivalent to smoking ciggy"..And so on..
But that scared me . My cousin was wrong ! What he knew 'bout it was possibly what his Friends had to tell him & so the chain carried on.. And I was myself too lazy to actually find out if it really harmed or not. I could have googled , yeah ? I still can..but no I'm not doing so because I've already decided not to have hookah again!
Everything for my health !!
For my cousin , who is in London enjoys smoking in Icy cold weather ! I asked him to be careful & not to get addicted to it - he says he won't - & I'm not very sure !

And zeroing down to health - I have taken strict actions.

1. No oily food.
2. No more soft drinks.
3. No more skipping meals. ( I never skipped meals for losing weight but just because ' didn't feel like eating' , my bad ! )
4. Religiously doing yoga & pranayam .
5. Drinking lot of water.

Few years back , a very health - conscious uncle of mine asked me to drink lot of lot of lot of water ! Even if I puke - its OK , he says. But like hell I'm going to drink water just to puke :P . But yeah , It feels really great & refreshing after drinking lot of water. I have been extremely remiss in taking care of myself - but if I won't - who will ?

Parents are always there. They are there guiding me , telling me what to do , what not to , but I have never been serious 'bout my health. I get tired very quickly , don't have high metabolism , I myself feel that I'm not perfect in my health - but laziness had conquered my body & brain ! I've been so casual 'bout this that my health never turned out to be my priority & so its harming me every second !! But now I'm getting myself into some strict fitness regime . I really need to do something than wait for something to accidentally happen for me !

I'm all into action & serious 'bout my health only when I fall ill or am very tired w/o doing much work. That really boosts my energy to get into proper healthy routine. When I fall ill , my entire world comes crashing down ! I feel miserable! Like what if there was nobody around me at that moment & I couldn't do anything myself ? What if I had everything on this earth - but poor health ?? Naturally , everything else would just become anything - precisely waste ! That hits me badly! Its a terrible feeling & that's what drives me to drop all the harmful habits. Old habits die hard but they do die - if I consistently adopt & practice good habits !

So here's wishing me A Very Happy Health ! :)

Good luck darling !