Central Park NYC

I've been through soooo much shit in the past 2 or 3 years ..that I have no idea what I've become. Maybe little less human. :\
Ok weird.

But now I challenge you to stone my head ( metaphorically ofcourse) - and I won't tether. No reaction.  kuch nahi hoga mujhe . It wouldn't matter to me.
Because I've seen worse.😅

'Things happen for good'. 

I wish to raise questions on this.

Is it good if it makes you stone hearted ?
Is it good if it robs you off of any little emotions that you had kept away from getting bruised ?
It is good if it brain fogs your very being ?

How good really?

But we don't have a reverse gear , do we ? Not to change things that have reached to this conclusion  , instead not having to deal with them in the first place altogether.

All I can eventually take with are lessons (which would serve what great purpose - am still unaware of! ) Lessons which cost me an arm & a leg. A roller coaster of every fiber of my emotion.

I pledged to value myself. To love myself. However, its fizzling out in this frenzy of what seems to be an everlasting loop of keeping hopes on a tenterhook.
And yet I try.
We all want to see that silver lining , innit ? Even if it means we might just have to hallucinate it - just for namesake!

In all of this chaos - which I deliberately refrained from penning down , there's ofcourse something GOOD I'd like to keep on these pages.


Its this wonderful ethereal place. This surreal moment.
 Bathseda Central Park NYC. 

You never know fountains are such a beauty untill you see this one!

Thank you for this.

 Not my click. The clickmaniac in me didn't click the most perfect spot! Pfft.

P.S. : I'm filmy! 

Pickle

The thing is sometimes some energies / feelings are so wasted - you cannot make pickle out of them.
( In my mother tongue I say - Ye feeling ka acchar dalu kya ?? :p )

So we wait for some things to end. Anticipating pain does not lessen it though.

Then there's always that emptiness.

So when a person comes back into your life after a long time with all the apology drama and all - and you let them in. Its a disaster in disguise.

Forgiveness is a tool we use to make peace with ourselves.

But giving another chance ..is knowingly running into the blind.

It feels like its not worth having those feelings.
You cannot contain them with you.

And therefore some memories should remain where they are.
 Tweaking them  can only create problems again.

Why open old wounds ?

There is no point in holding back to moments you once let go.

Life is no fairytale.

You could ask if I'm disappointed with the promise the words in this title holds? I'd be very honest and conclude yelling that I am freaking scared!!

There's a thin line between being optimistic and day dreaming. And no , I'd never settle for the day dreaming which is why life is so scary. Although ironically people around me are having their fairy-tales. Not normal happiness you know. Literally fairy tales which does make me wonder at the possibilities but WAIT - I would only end up day dreaming. So I cling onto the thought that .. Life is NOT a fairytale.

3 years back so many people in the family were getting married (happily , not to mention perfect match ). Now practically its raining babies. And as of today so many people I know - friends , acquaintances , school mates are getting married , with their - ahem - absolute fairy tale stories.And look very HAPPY. It all seems like movies. So fictional ( and yet contrarily very real ). And since my beliefs are more inclined towards being realistic - I'm dead scared.

 I'm exasperated , puzzled & totally freaked out. The marriage proposals are going haywire. I'm not liking it AT ALL. I'm already not very fond of the marriage concept ; add to it marrying a complete stranger makes me fall of the edge.

I'm asked several times .. what am I looking for in a guy. And I'm clueless :o because I don't want to go about a check list. I'll just know.

But hello!! It only sounds easy. How will I know if I don't know what I want ? I definitely know what I don't want. But isn't that again like keeping a cross list ? :/

There's nobody I can talk to about this. Its so pointless. They are all gonna give me some fairytale sweets to choke up on. And I only wish to tell them..am so.damn.freaking.scared!

Dad is hardly offering any solution. He's barely offering me any solution to my other emotional debatable thoughts. I am unable to confide into him. I cannot tell him what's eating me. And all this while I never worried..because I'd think he'd eventually rescue me out of all my problems or give me proper direction , which is so not happening.

Its funny I'm thinking of all sorts of fasts that I never kept all this while. Handsome husband and all that. I never believed in it. And now am so desperate to get off my fear -  I'd do anything. Superficial. Superstitious. Just tell me. And I'll do it.

Am one year short to my quarter life (crisis). But seems like , IT -  the crisis , has decided to fall upon me too soon.

Ok . I need some air to breathe.

I could only pray for a great amount of wisdom right now...and distantly a not so perfect yet a content fairytale.

Scent & city.

Have you felt the scent of a new place ? Its as if every city carries its own fragrance.
 And with every one step more into it , every one second more that you spend with it...it starts becoming of you.
Travel in the locals. Unknown roads. Use the maps.
Feel the air. Feel the rush. Feel the scent.
And sooner you begin to feel you own the place.
You fall in love with an absolutely unknown place.

Have you ever got attached to an unknown person ? To someone you haven't even spoken to.
Occasional eye contacts and a smile. Something about that person makes you wanna talk to them.
It may not be significant but somehow you develop a silent camaraderie.
And maybe its not the person. Its the situation. Of missing the chance to speak at least once and of never having another chance.
Eventually you tend to carry warm memories of absolute strangers in unknown territories you will never meet again.

Hong Kong. Macau!

This is month old post lying in drafts. :| Totally unfair for it to be there. All I had to was edit , add and hit publish.

Pre-trip , I would have ideally exaggerated ( atleast NOW I will use this word ) about how this trip could be something I would trade anything in the world for.
And then when it happened..when it really did..despite all of my nightmares - it doesn't feel complete.  Like you know that feeling of euphoria or post-travel post-good-times zeal. That's missing.Its just not there.
Ok there were some fights involved. Arguments. But eventually we had fun. We enjoyed. And I was with the best people of my life. And yet..it was incomplete..?

I guess this is a different kind of travel hangover. :|  If I would be saying this to my friends  , they'd probably say " Han han Different toh rahega hi..tu apne desh se jo wapas aayi hai " :D

Confused ? Well.. In all the planning and packing , I forgot to scribble a post about all these Chini jokes made on me before we took off to Hong Kong.
China is considered to be my motherland by one and all.
My friends asked me to make sure that I find my real parents :D Because my Indian parents are so Indian and am soooo Chinese :D
I always disagree about looking Chinese which people claim only due to the fact that  I have small eyes ( how unfair! ) But I certainly have doubts about the possibility of being adopted for some family genes are just not running into me! :P
Some others jokes went about ..
" Tu apne purvajo k desh ja rahi hai "
" Don't get lost ok. Your parents will probabaly bring someone else back thinking its you!!"
" Click pictures with Chinese people. Then we'll play find 6 differences" 
lol this one's  a personal favorite :D


Post-trip post. The travelogue :

Macau

If you ever plan to go to Macau. You HAVE to stay at the Venetian Macau Hotel. Its so huge and beautiful comprising of the hotel , a mall and ofcouse-  the biggest casino! All suite rooms with king size beds and huge bathrooms fully adorned with mirrors.

Magnificent Hotel Lobby!

The hotel is so huge ..it actually took us two days to learn to move about it.

The casino was awesome. We lost everything we put in :D :| except dad who won 36 times on roulette ;)

The entire Venice theme is  alluring. ( This is the shopping zone ! )

The hotel has an Indian restaurant named Golden Peacock which serves Indian VEG food at affordable price. So thankfully we didn't face much issue with food. Moreover if you stay at the hotel - you get vouchers which you can redeem & make use of at the restaurant , buy goodies and some listed stuff , go for the Gondola ride which otherwise costs more than 100 Hk $ per person. :\
Mac D is a waste for veggies. It smells awful :| Plus its expensive.

The Italian Gondola Ride.

Our Gondolier was Lia from Italy who  impressed us with her Hindi speaking skills. Greeting us with Namaste and calling us all 'sundari' :D .She knocked us off when she sang 'Chin ta ta' while also doing its signature step ! In return we sang Senorita for her :D Lia made the Gondola ride a lot more fun and there is no doubt about the fact that Indians are loud - so yeah we got a lot of audience :D

Macau Tower.

A view of Macau from the tower.

 You can experience one of the highest bungee jumps in the world from the Macau Tower. ( 233 meters!)  We watched 4 people bungee jump. It hardly takes few seconds for the fall and its quite thrilling to watch let alone do it. ( Of course I couldn't convince my parents enough :P ) 

It costs around 3000 HK $ ; approx 24000 INR. 

Macau is a small place and a 2 day stay is more than sufficient. 

Hong Kong :

It takes about 45 mins to reach HK from Macau after you board a ferry.
We stayed for 4 days. Hong Kong is like an extension of Mumbai with wider and clean roads. Old HK looks exactly like Mumbai except for the Chinese signs and billboard. 

Day 1 : We strolled around TST ( Tsim Tsa Tsui )  which is in Kowloon ( old HK). If you wanna book a hotel , this is the ideal place to lodge at. The subway is close. And the entire shopping area in in TST. It has a lot of major brands. 
There are a couple of Indian restaurants as well. 
Note : Finding vegetarian food in HK is a tough task. There are top end Indian restaurants which are of-course expensive. The Woodland Hotel at TST is a very good option.

Ocean Park

Day 2 : Ocean Park!  I found this one hyped. I mean , yes it must have been pretty famous 2 decades back. Dolphin show must be quite a thing that time.But essentially its a place for kids to enjoy seeing penguins , polar bears and sea lion. Thankfully some of the adventure rides came as a respite for us adults. The weather sucked. It was blazing hot!! 
The light show at night was a beautiful thing to watch.
 
Day 3  : We took a day off which was a very wise decision as the entire day at ocean park combined with the scorching sun had us totally drained out. 
We went to Mong Kow which is close to TST and famous for shopping. I couldn't get what the entire hyper around it is for! We did bargain but eventually  had to pay a high price for clothes and bags. So no! HK isn't a shopping destination ( with ref to bragain-shopping) unless you want to splurge on expensive branded stuff.

Took the metro ride to Central HK. All the stunning corporate buildings welcome you to the main HK. We were too late to catch the tram ride , hence missed going to Victoria Peak! :(
The Times Square and Stanley Street are in main HK ( for extravagent shopping :D )

Day 4  : Disneyland! 
I would rate out visiting Disneyland as the 10/10 sole reason to visit HK :P Who on earth wouldn't enjoy this beguiling place! Every damn thing about this place shouts richness. The park has been so nicely designed , you feel like you've entered an  entirely different world! Each and every ride & restaurant is chockablock with fairytale elements. 
The cartoon characters take you back to your childhood. How we miss Misckey , Uncle Scrooge , Aladdin & Mermaid !
The Lion King Show ( Live by theater artists) is spectacular. 
And the best ride was Mystic Manor. Its just superb!

  
Disneyland bewitches you at night - specially with the fire-show. 

I made this trip with my family AND my two most loving sisters.So this was the first trip of its kind. I had nightmares about its success since two such planned trips previously never happened!

And even as Prats gave a goodbye speech when we departed for India about how our fights didn't matter and lets just enjoy this moment because its the first and could be the last trip together..

I whined silentely.. Why last? Why the hell it should be the last ?! Just because I was stupid and annoying ? How could you do this to me? Why last?!!

To say she read my mind and replied - "who knows what happens in the coming days and where life takes us all."

Damn. That pinches!

She made me feel so guilty about being such a jackass. 

I wanted her to scream at me. 

To scold me for being immature and whatever the hell I was being :/

But the time's gone.

And all am left with are memories..  A LOT of them..about this amazing vacation to cherish about.

Things I'd never like to forget. Things that bring instant happiness to me :)

Those Chinese conversations. 

Public embarrassment missions.

Emptying our pockets out at casino!

 Photograph-obsession.

 The day wen we missed to go to Victoria Peak & all the jokes about the same :D 

Disneyland !! 

We've resolved to go back to Macau to jump off the Tower :D

* All pictures posted here have been clicked by me :P There is some jinx attached with me and cameras. My (new) camera started acting weird.Add to it - I lost the charger!! So had to save the battery for disneyland .Sadly it was so hot even on the day we visited disneyland - that none of us had much energy or enthusiasm to click ! Talk about obsessing for clicking pictures :P

23.

This post here , deserved to be on my page out of obligation. Coz there's one with descending numbers through the Feb of previous years.

I've turned 23!
And no..I do not choose to convey this more excitedly by express communication of fireworks or applause - in the form of 5-6 extra exclamation marks. Or even putting it across in stars.
I refrain from exaggerating like a hyper kid.

Ironically friends had planned fireworks to celebrate for me.
It is so damned ironical.
Although that plan had to be dumped due to lack of time! So technically it never happened.

My first surprise was - A treasure Hunt! And where do you think they organized it ?
At a MALL! I was hopping from one shop to another for about an hour with 11 clues to crack. Every time I collected my clue from the cash counter of the specific shop , I was greeted with roses and wished teasingly. The friends had requested the cashiers to wish me in different names. :P
Fun it was.


One hour was a little too much though. My friends believed I had turned dumb on my bday. I wasn't GETTING the clues at all! :D  My excuse was that I was darn tired which was reasonable since I attended 2 weddings back-to-back and landed just on the bday eve :P

Second surprise. Well , lets just call it a shock. What do you do when one of your best friend proposes you ?? I suggest..always stay calm! Wise of me to not react. I mean ofcourse I was dumb founded. Totally frozen. I said nothing. Obviously there wasn't going to be a 'yes' from me. However managing a 'No' was getting difficult too.
But guess what ? It was a PRANK. ( thank God!)
A prank that really killed me.
Who does such things on bday dude ? Too much senti-awkward it got later.

A nervous dinner is what I had. Clock ticking too fast. And home calls. Even on bday . Grrrr !
Turning 23 felt rushed. It doesn't sink in. You have fun but you don't know how to enjoy.

Wedding posts shall remain pending.
I'm too cold. I'm too cold-hearted ; Arvy says sometimes it seems it doesn't even beat.:P
I say maybe.
Zombie ?
a Zombie who still gets hurts you know.
Zombies are supposed to be brainless too.

End of discussion :P

I don't say bye.

You know I hate that part. The goodbyes. It really kills me.
Whether its me leaving the people I've spend time with which always seems like a dream.. or it is these people leaving me all alone at home after a week full of fun.

I didn't enter my room last night. I was dreading I'll end up crying. And when I cry.. I cry like a baby.  Yeah it feels bad..but aren't we too old to cry for such things ?

I handled it well though. Its a feeling. It'll pass.
My heart isn't heavy and sobbing.
 Its like am sedated.

I would have patted myself for being a little emotionally stronger . Its a good thing. It is something thats coming to me after a long long time. *smugs*

Last year ? Flew by , as usual.
Friends and fights. New friends. Wedding. Cousins.
Family politics and crap.
Usual except for the feud.

New year resolution : Just one.
Work out . Work out. Work out.
 Thrice more than before. Specially because I didn't stick to it for most of the year.

pendulam

And then who knows

running away so blindly

  might only hurtle down into a dark ally.

 

So considerate about being non considerate

might become the prey of her own bate

maybe there were no questions raised

to be answered.

 maybe all questions were really the answers

two sides of a coin
conflicting opinions ; they will never conjoin


 picking a side is a fickle choice
 the heart doesn't know of the veritable voice


 And then who knows 

running away so blindly

might only mislead self to the elixir

Into the coffin || No space left.

In my several furious uncanny attempts..

I tried destroying it. Burning it. Forgetting it.

It doesn't go away you know?

It comes back..with even more intensity.

I tried consoling. Convincing. Answering myself.

Questioning more.

Boomerang.

Everything always comes back , except what is really meant to be back. Except what I never threw away. Except what just went away.

The more I tried getting rid of it...the more it came..and the more it destroyed me.

Want it to abandon me.

Devastating.

Like someone stabbed - took away a part of my heart and  left me with with the other half , bleeding.

Bleeding more. Like it would never empty itself out.

I cry. Alone. Jokingly tell others I cried. And I laugh. Almost - alone.

 And then sometimes while I'm driving...I draw the locks of my hair behind my earlobes , turn up the volume , my hands on the steering wheel tapping with the beats - and I tell myself
Its fine. And its over.

Almost suddenly striked down by the fact..that it wasn't supposed to be this way. And I had it already sailed to float away.

 Wasn't that easy , was it ?

It is to be banned from any invitations my memories may yearn for.

There' no space left.

Don't stab it , again.

Things change.

Things don't remain the same.

Sounding synonymous. Meaning different.

Its been an year. Lets just give it , its funeral.

Not tossing aside this time.

Simply cosigning it to the grave.

My heart won't bleed again.

Float away

I want to throw a bottled message into the ocean.

I want to wrap it all up , box it and throw away.

All the feelings together.

Just letting it go..letting it float away whichever direction it chooses to go.

And while I do so..I want to smile.

Smile that it expired.

Filtering any bitterness or indifference that has masqueraded itself ..tugging me every time I take a step forward.

You wanted to know how I feel about it ?

 I feel nothing because I feel everything.

And so in this nothing and everything...I want it all to just float away....

Buck up!

 Lately I've been quite a mess.Lately is about more than 7 months. 
All of it only proves how bloody fickle minded I am. Its probably the worst thing about me.
I had a tough time accepting and believing an assumption ..which again was nothing short of truth.

I had a disgustingly irritating time moving on. I felt sad , angry , longed , loved , stupid , hurt and every other possible feeling someone as childish at heart as me can feel.

I used to make a clear mindset , stick to it for a while and all of my pretense of being strong failed when I melted over heartwarming talks from someone I genuinely liked.

I really strongly feel the need of having a sibling of around my age at this point. Although that was something I always vouched for but knowing its impossibility ..I had adjusted myself with being alone. I do have wonderful cousins who are no less of really good and true friends I can trust my life on...but at the end of the day....when you hit the bed and have no one to speak to - you feel like the walls are going to eat you.3 am friends too , I  have. But presence is important.That connection and bonding...that support I miss. And am never going to have it.

I'm absolutely sure that I wouldn't have been such an emotional wreck.

But anyway...there are better things to focus on. Better and great things to do.
I just tend to forget how wonderful I can make everything around me. Its just the matter of my attitude.
I tend to forget I am blessed.

Enough damage has been done. It has all been a waste of time as it always seems in retrospective.
And then its easy to put.."what if you already knew the outcome of your small actions". Its like the butterfly effect. Such little strings attached to massive movements.
I'm not going to divulge my time and energy over what ifs. Nor will I regret.

And  most importantly..I will not allow myself to fall in the trap of feeling vulnerable.

My thinking process will have a lot to do with how I deal with this. And I want progress now.
Its creepy I'm going to turn 22 soon. I need to BUCK UP and for everything and everyone who have damaged me ..spoiled me..hurt me , I can only say one thing to you : FUCK YOU!

Draw the line.

Last year has been very emotionally exhausting.
So many stories ..so many people.So much consolation.
Conversations.All those discussions.
They carry no points. They are like extra baggage.
Just like secrets. That only weigh you down.

I guess we all are just too apprehensive about everything.About emotions.Its all so hyped.

Everyone has their own way of moving on. But what I've learnt is whether you begin to hate the person or still love them...as long as there are hard feelings..you can never really move on.

I've grown tired of finding my answers. I've grown tired of reasoning.
I'm not sure if I was giving second chance to myself or the one on that side ?

Time to leave things behind. High time.

LEFT THINGS BEHIND.

Sure it feels bad. Its shattering. But then I reckon with these words ..  time doesn't heal wounds..you only grow immune.  And I'm waiting to gain my immunity.

--------------

New year's eve was 'nice' to say the least. Went to the same club for the third time in a row.
Wasn't so exicted about it. I can apply the concept of marginal utility.
Maybe was in my own world. Still better than not partying at all.

Am sounding like my pulse rate won't show any change whether there is something very good or bad to happen. Strange.

I cannot forgive or forget. I'm just drawing the line.

96 days ago.

So far I know..nothing can possibly fill the void.

Irreplaceable 

Nothing can possibly  FIT for what has been left.

Just find distractions everywhere. Just try being a part of something funny.

It can be tiring. 

And then I'm too fed up to do anything about it.

  Got to make efforts

96 days ago.

My ipod notes read.

Ninety six days ago.

I wrote to myself.

That we always have a choice.

And I meant it every whichever way.

Come to think of it...its between

whether I choose to be sad.

Or I'm ready to look beyond.

Most of the times..state of mind is only but a

choice.

My choice ?? does a pendulum dance.

There's too much fooling around.

Fickle mind.

Maybe I just want to shut down for a while.

And reach one person who can tell me 

What the hell am I supposed to do.

Or not.

What on earth am I supposed to feel.

Or not.
 

Damned.

Lets make it an easy exam.

There is a mysterious force that keeps me glued to you.
That makes you my magnet.
That doesn't let me let go.

No matter how hard I try.

Maybe
I only pretend to try.
Because deep down..
I don't wanna let go.

** My story is not a love story.
My story won't have a happy ending.
It demands not to end.

Strangely its the imperfection that loops me into the cyclone of affection over & again only to be left withered and lovelorn.
 Its the imperfection that drives me more to reach a point of a single moment that is perfect ; perfect bliss.

Unrequited love hurts.But the phenomenon of loving someone without being in love..without having a reason makes my story special.

 My story concludes that attachment is a bad thing to happen & its a tedious task to write off the same.
A disease that has no medication except maybe learning to be immune.

Parallel story tells that time changes things. Time improves them too. And there won't be any hard feelings.
But until then I have to survive an amalgamation of butterflies & occasional heartbreaks.
I have to survive being selfish or being a fool.
I have to survive sailing through a storm. 

And I might not even  reach a beautiful island.I already know that. There are no promises , at all.

But I'm sticking to this because all my resolutions of giving up fail with one step from your side.
That doesn't make me weak. I guess accepting my defeat over you in itself makes it all the more easy. 

 Being so serious was never the plan. Its going to suck later - so why feel the pain in advance ??

I want to regain my humor. My story needs that.

But most of all - my story needs you.

What happened. Something did.

 More of a statement than a question.

Things change.

I've lost the count.

So this is , lets say , the 'n'th time when things have changed.

And it makes me numb.
Absolutely blank.

When there is no analysis , no inference and no conclusion.
For all you know is that things have changed.

Its so bittersweet , I cannot smile.
I cannot weep.

There is the obvious sinking feeling inside. And everything farewell brings along with it.
And damn , it eats you.
Moreover the variables attached to the constants are already juggling and finding logic in my head.

But I must say at the end of it...I'm happy. I'm happy for everything. I'm absolutely sad about nothing.

And that in itself makes me more happy. 

Idiot is Boxed.

For the next two years I might only curse myself when I look into the mirror and question what the F have I done to my life.
But this time I cannot blame anyone except -  myself.
( Somehow passing on the blame had become so convenient , I forgot what a scapegoat I'd become.)
So am gonna have to adjust to that.
I'm gonna have to adjust to the fact , and drink the regret/guilt that this could have been a prettier picture.

For an year I fought with my mind's innumerable voices..my indecision nucleus...and now when I'm concluding it - it feels so stupid I'd rather eat up the year gone by.

Its not so much about the time wasted or given...its about the final product.
What I did with it in the end.
And its killing.

I weighed my options so much and so many times that I killed every instinct and intuition there was to my passion.
It all just rotted while the time flew by.

But I guess its good enough that at least I'm gonna start doing something . I'm scared how it will turn out to be. I'm scared I'm not following what I wanted to. I'm scared that I'm jumping into a race.I'm scared I'm not going to a good college.

BUT

I'm just gonna go do it.

Because I'm an IDIOT.

An idiot who has vague plans to follow or do something about her big dream after 2 yrs!!

I'm mad with myself. Very very mad.

And I don't know what to do of my cousins.
They're supporting me like I just got myself into Harvard :P
How stupidly funny every damn thing is! :D

Incomprehensible

I find myself debating  whether it is important to let people close to you   KNOW

how much they mean to you....

OR

will the 'essence' of that relation  drain out ... 

will its importance fade away ...

will it not seem so worth once you establish its worth ?

Why do we have to pay so heavily for priceless relations from our emotional account  ?

Why do the most wonderful equations with the most wonderful people become complex ?

Or are already complex. Right from the beginning!

Ok lets chuck that. Whether it is important to express or not.
What eats me in and out is that - Why do we lose out on the relations we love the most ?
Why do they fall apart ?
Why are they complex ?
Why do you have to let go something you've held so close to you ?

Maybe you can never hold it. Its like sand..the more you try to grip it in your palms..the more it slips away..

Strangely ...there aren't any complications where you least bother ..where it doesn't matter whether you lose out or not. Everything sails smooth.
And even if things don't go well  - it f***king doesn't matter!!
I despise Irony.

I'm robbed.
The engine of my emotion has failed.
I'll earn again.
The engine will be repaired again.
And I'll be robbed again.
The engine will fail again.....

Ye saali Zindagi : At 21

I turned 21 yesterday.

I did not make a fuss about having to celebrate fantastically.Maybe that's the reason I did get to have a fantastic day.

I did not cry even when it wasn't planned to be all that. I'm really a loser when it comes to 'not getting things done your way'. All I do is sit and cry. I have overcome that crumbling rubbish.
Somehow that makes me proud of being 21.

I did freak out and my sister saved all my anger. Amazing patience she has! Thank you!

Its a bit funny to watch a movie titled ' Ye saali Zindagi' on your birthday :P  Seems so apt.
Crazy movie btw , I liked despite all the gutter words :D

I received calls from people I didn't expect and did not receive from the ones I expected.
And somehow I was least bothered about this piece of crap either .. I mean wth ?
Why should it matter when the ones who matter made the whole day matter ?  ;)
Oh and I did not take few calls too. Some drama I was upto :O

Keeping your pulse rate normal helps. Not being too hyper or excited just makes everything sail smoothly.

Accepting whatever comes however it does-  was a difficult feat for me to conquer. I've always nagged , cribbed , sobbed about little things. But in the end..you don't really wanna be a spoilsport for yourself. It cannot get worse - You being the reason for your unhappiness.
 Attitude towards life brings can make huge difference to your general perception :) 
I've learned to accept. Surreal changes in ye saali zindgai :P

I wore a 'cute' dress :D Clicked pictures. Did NOT order cake. :-|
But much to my surprise the cake arrived by itself. My sister made it for me! :D

It doesn't feel like I've turned 21. I still feel 17 because I'm still immature , I still freak out crazy  and more importantly I haven't grown any taller :|

My bday gift is still due.Was in no hope to receive a 'surprise gift' from parents. Did not get one either.
I'll just ask for it at the right time.

Doesn't feel right.

You know what ?

In this section of my life story...What bothers me isn't that  
things have changed.

Its that..things are not the same!

If you can't forget some things in life..make sure you don't give yourself time to remember them

The wind is blowing in another direction.
You took a train to the wrong destination.
What begins thus is a delirious deception.
Its tragic , there can be no alteration.

Pic : http://www.flickr.com/photos/photocillin/3701137872/

I am...

I'm the tsunami that never came

the silence that never breaks


the frame in sepia that wishes a rainbow change
the tip of the iceberg that fell


the glass that shatters in splinters every day 
the tear that never trickles down the tiny face


the wanderer who lost her way

the night that waits for day

the secret that chooses to remain numb
the blond that wasn’t always dumb

the health that turned pale
the prisoner that ran out of jail

the uncertainty that reassures itself
the irony that contradicts something else

the assassin that stabbed the soul
the thinker that murdered her goal

am the phoenix that shall rise again

the moment that wont bargain any gain.

**Wrote when I was feeling low.Definitely not my current state of mind :)