Punjabi wedding!

I'm finding it hard to blog these days. Even if it meant writing about the super duper surprised filled best birthday ever! But later on that. The current sizzling event was my lovely friend's wedding :D
And we all know how much fun weddings are!

I have usually attended only marwadi weddings. So being in a Punjabi wedding was a different experience altogether. And I must mention..I am totally in love with Punjabis. Extremely friendly & jolly people plus very  good looking :P
I have learned to speak a little Punjabi too and its fun!

I am gonna miss my friend a lot! Statically she's the one with I have probably had the most fights with but sometimes you share such an amazing bond with some people.. that despite all the run downs..your friendship remains intact and only grows with time! Moreover when a friend gets married and goes away..you realize their importance to no end. :/ :(

I still can't believe Luvza is married! I mean hello ?! It all happened a bit too fast. And since the time she got engaged ( 4 months back ) we've all been wayyy too excited for her wedding :D

While the bride was mostly busy applying and removing makeup,  we friends enjoyed with the family.
 And ofcourse the eye candies around us :P
 Its so weird the bride and groom are the ones that are tired the most.. I mean the ones getting married should be given a chance to enjoy it :P

I am not a photo person. As in I usually refrain form putting pictures on blog , albums on fb etc.
 But this is a major event of my life. And given to my lack of writing - I will just let the pictures speak a thousand words ;)

Life is no fairytale.

You could ask if I'm disappointed with the promise the words in this title holds? I'd be very honest and conclude yelling that I am freaking scared!!

There's a thin line between being optimistic and day dreaming. And no , I'd never settle for the day dreaming which is why life is so scary. Although ironically people around me are having their fairy-tales. Not normal happiness you know. Literally fairy tales which does make me wonder at the possibilities but WAIT - I would only end up day dreaming. So I cling onto the thought that .. Life is NOT a fairytale.

3 years back so many people in the family were getting married (happily , not to mention perfect match ). Now practically its raining babies. And as of today so many people I know - friends , acquaintances , school mates are getting married , with their - ahem - absolute fairy tale stories.And look very HAPPY. It all seems like movies. So fictional ( and yet contrarily very real ). And since my beliefs are more inclined towards being realistic - I'm dead scared.

 I'm exasperated , puzzled & totally freaked out. The marriage proposals are going haywire. I'm not liking it AT ALL. I'm already not very fond of the marriage concept ; add to it marrying a complete stranger makes me fall of the edge.

I'm asked several times .. what am I looking for in a guy. And I'm clueless :o because I don't want to go about a check list. I'll just know.

But hello!! It only sounds easy. How will I know if I don't know what I want ? I definitely know what I don't want. But isn't that again like keeping a cross list ? :/

There's nobody I can talk to about this. Its so pointless. They are all gonna give me some fairytale sweets to choke up on. And I only wish to tell them..am so.damn.freaking.scared!

Dad is hardly offering any solution. He's barely offering me any solution to my other emotional debatable thoughts. I am unable to confide into him. I cannot tell him what's eating me. And all this while I never worried..because I'd think he'd eventually rescue me out of all my problems or give me proper direction , which is so not happening.

Its funny I'm thinking of all sorts of fasts that I never kept all this while. Handsome husband and all that. I never believed in it. And now am so desperate to get off my fear -  I'd do anything. Superficial. Superstitious. Just tell me. And I'll do it.

Am one year short to my quarter life (crisis). But seems like , IT -  the crisis , has decided to fall upon me too soon.

Ok . I need some air to breathe.

I could only pray for a great amount of wisdom right now...and distantly a not so perfect yet a content fairytale.

Farewell to trusting.

Pure co-incidence. I picked a chit during the miss farewell thing..and I was supposed to answer - You should not trust a guy because...?

The first reaction was a big bright smile on my face accompanied with loud cheers from friends. It is irrelevant how much they know what has been going around with me ; the fact is who could answer this better than me ? :P

Don't trust a guy because..

What he says , what he thinks and what he does are three very different things.
80% of the times they are lying. Or making stories. Same thing.
Therefore , don't believe every word he says. Its not worth it.
Infact its not just about guys..generally speaking ,  never put all your faith onto someone. Don't make them so important that they influence your state of being. You never know how situations change and your trust is broken unintentionally.

--- When I lost my faith and trust over my so-called best friend - I felt crippled & was nervous for quite some time. I was so empty I could not feel anything.It was like my heart just shut one more time. I never cried for all the bullshit though.

And then being the usual me ... I gave a dramatic speech to lighten my mood. I said to my friend : I am heartless. She denied. I explained : I only have this organ which is pumping blood into my veins. ( :D ) But it cannot be called 'heart'. My heart is so dead. Because I cannot feel a damned thing.

I may have wronged myself. Conned myself to trust him again. But its only human!
Why the hell am I so forgiving ?

So while our farewell party sucked..and I allowed my friend the privilege to speak to me again :P , a little too late I realized it is not worth it. We tend to believe what we like to hear. Its not really the truth though.

So here's a goodbye to not the friendship that has been sacked , but to the trust that will never be given back.

You lost that place. I still don't know whats in your mind. I don't understand much. But what I can see isn't something I can't deny. Actions speak louder than words..right?

No point to hold on.We're done.
Its not gonna be easy. Even when it is more of a rational than emotional decision.

* College finishes off this week. Not gonna cry about this either. Will miss the routine.
Albeit change is more than welcome :D

Shayari!

Bit by the shayri bug. Always had a soft corner for shayris. They are so short , crisp and yet so   touching. Such little words.. with so much meaning. I love to collect them. Infact , influenced by some of my batch mates. We have a lot of shayars :P Not your typical jilted lovers but people earthing something beautiful in carefully crafted lines.

Expressing through shayris just got the better off me.

A couple of them I wrote , shared and laughed over. There ofcourse is  some inspiration , some incidence and certainly something is in the air because everybody seems to be lost in their own sorrows/worries... but eventually the  background story is subtly grounded ;)
Waise bhi samjhdar ko ishara hi kaafi hai :P

#1
Aaj is gum ka bhi jashn mana lenge.
Pigalte dil ko pathhar bana denge.
Mud kar dekhoge hume agar phir tum
Apni muskurahat se dil tumhara jala denge.

:D

#2
Duaon se sab hasil ho jata
toh sab kuch hum bhi maang liye hote.
Karni hi ho dua toh itna dum ho karmo mein ,
ki bahano ko mauka na mile.

#3
Khud ko ghuma dene ka afsos nahi
Dur jaane ka ab koi gum nahi
Chahe kitne bhi kheech le teri bahein mujhe apni or..
Itne kareeb ab hai hi nahi ki tum rok sako.


*Song on loop : dil ki toh lag gayi ( nautanki saala )

Walk a mile in my shoes.

Listen.

I understand its possible to like two people at the same time , where those two like you back too.
And we are only talking about liking. You aren't even the villain. You're the hero.
 But its not manageable to set your feet in two boats.
Confusing. Hell , yeah!
If I were in your place...I would have gone mad much before.
Your persistence and willingness to keep alive this triangle-like bonding is what led this , this far.
  However , its not manageable to  not be inclined towards atleast one of them ... and try so hard not to lose the other.

Because you know what..you've already lost the other one.
She has an emotional error. She knows you care.
She only can't believe it completely. She doesn't feel it.
And she wishes to be set free.

And let me tell you..its not hurting anyone.  For as far as I understand...I do not understand this concoction of friendships , love , feelings , care since it is only getting discursive with every passing day.
Plus what can hurt..when nobody is doing wrong ? 

Maybe we should just let it go. And thats what I beg - Let it go..!
  
No justifications. No explanations. No obligation.No apologizing.

All you may know..When something doesn't feel right..it just doesn't feel right. 
She hasn't stopped caring. She isn't cutting off. 
She's only untying a knot that shouldn't be there anymore.

And most of all...she's letting YOU free!

Vintage.And mad thoughts.

Too much has been going on in and around me. So many things in my head...the mashup made me not want to express any of it , at all.
But I certainly made some theories. At least so I could scribble them down!

Apart from that..the excitement quotient has been quite down.
Like doing absolutely NOTHING special for a VERY dear friend.
Or not really catching up to the vibrant energy at Hard Kaur's concert.
( She's rocking btw! )

I enjoyed the 'vintage' part of the month though.
Visited my aunt's ancestral home which is about 150-200 yr old. Needless to say...its beautiful.
Thick walls keeping the home so cool , wooden furniture , small windows with colorful glass , some portions of the house which I could describe as 'window-walls' , the 'tijori'.
 Every room on the first floor lead to the ground floor by separate staircase! And outside every room was a terrace!
Even though the house was built such a long time back..the architecture and design of the home is amazing. There were rooms inside rooms. Thin long corridors making it up for a perfect 'bhul bhulaiyaa'

The peace which one feels by being at such places is inexpressible. The house smells like  heaven.
And they've had quite a history. 50 goons had attacked few decades back and stolen a lot of jewellery and cash. Plus killed one of their grandfather.
There were swords hanging in the hall.Kinda gave an eerie feeling.

Moving onto some of my thoughts...

- You get mad because you're possessive.
And then you get much more possessive because you realize you are getting mad about this new found possessiveness.
..which makes you madder :P

- If you ask me did I forgive  ?
Well I would only say - unless someone feels sorry .. you do not even have the option to forgive!
Its easier to chuck it and not burn over it. Because maybe you keep fighting against forgiving and forgetting...but the person in question might have already scrapped you.

- Its good to be quiet. But the constant urge to tell someone something or let them know how you feel and yet knowing they would never 'get' it ...makes things difficult.
Some things cannot be explained. Some things do not deserve an explanation. They are only to be understood by oneself!

- There are times when you don't know what is right and wrong. You don't know which sides to take. But you ought to choose. Its a cocktail. Best thing then is to let things be and not try too hard to change any of it. Or derive too much from it.

- Maybe you loose friends to make space for new ones.

Thats all for now.
 Friends complaint  I 'think' more and do less.
I guess I should not say everything I think.

But even then...I finally sang in public. Ok not really public. Half of the batch was not even present.
But I did sing.

....To a romantic hindi song!
 Damn.

( I was criticized for  singing a hindi song. I usually sing English songs at college to a restricted audience. Sometimes even during classes :p )

23.

This post here , deserved to be on my page out of obligation. Coz there's one with descending numbers through the Feb of previous years.

I've turned 23!
And no..I do not choose to convey this more excitedly by express communication of fireworks or applause - in the form of 5-6 extra exclamation marks. Or even putting it across in stars.
I refrain from exaggerating like a hyper kid.

Ironically friends had planned fireworks to celebrate for me.
It is so damned ironical.
Although that plan had to be dumped due to lack of time! So technically it never happened.

My first surprise was - A treasure Hunt! And where do you think they organized it ?
At a MALL! I was hopping from one shop to another for about an hour with 11 clues to crack. Every time I collected my clue from the cash counter of the specific shop , I was greeted with roses and wished teasingly. The friends had requested the cashiers to wish me in different names. :P
Fun it was.


One hour was a little too much though. My friends believed I had turned dumb on my bday. I wasn't GETTING the clues at all! :D  My excuse was that I was darn tired which was reasonable since I attended 2 weddings back-to-back and landed just on the bday eve :P

Second surprise. Well , lets just call it a shock. What do you do when one of your best friend proposes you ?? I suggest..always stay calm! Wise of me to not react. I mean ofcourse I was dumb founded. Totally frozen. I said nothing. Obviously there wasn't going to be a 'yes' from me. However managing a 'No' was getting difficult too.
But guess what ? It was a PRANK. ( thank God!)
A prank that really killed me.
Who does such things on bday dude ? Too much senti-awkward it got later.

A nervous dinner is what I had. Clock ticking too fast. And home calls. Even on bday . Grrrr !
Turning 23 felt rushed. It doesn't sink in. You have fun but you don't know how to enjoy.

Wedding posts shall remain pending.
I'm too cold. I'm too cold-hearted ; Arvy says sometimes it seems it doesn't even beat.:P
I say maybe.
Zombie ?
a Zombie who still gets hurts you know.
Zombies are supposed to be brainless too.

End of discussion :P

140 km/hr

I love to drive my micra :D
Got a chance to drive on highway again. And this time I scampered at a speed of 140 km/hr.
That's the max speed I've been able to dart at.
And it was awesome :D

 An  instant plan made for a day trip. Instant with my circle would mean a plan made ATLEAST 12 hours before its commencement :P
I'd almost given up at a point. It was a bit annoying to coordinate with everyone. Calling , deciding , confirming , de-planning , almost cancelling ,  re-deciding , confirming , informing! :o
Eventually we all made it and am glad we did!

The place we landed at isn't too amazing. A lake and temple is all we had. A lake where having fun was restricted to paddle boating :P 
But with a bunch of crazy friends , every place is fun.

Last sem. The very last sem. 
 Hopefully I'd have better things and such trips to write about than the crap I've put up in last one year.

------

There are always some issues in family. I think the person I take for granted the most is my mom. If she wants to vent .. if she wants to share... if she's mad and hurt...she would talk about it to me. Not the kind of talk where I console or offer any advice. The talk where I listen. The talk where she is HEARD.

Often I'm too busy in my phone , tv , newspaper to not hear a word she says. She would complaint about it and I'd try recollecting whatever little my ears catch. That's hardly compensating. Soooo taking for granted.

I've never had a very friendly relation with my mother , nor did I attempt at having one. It was long clear to me we wouldn't have that sort of rapport. And I've been OK about it. But ignoring her is wrong. Ignoring her is a sin. Coz it doesn't matter how much we share or not , doesn't matter how much I might have upset her previously and how much she upset me... what remains is - she is my mother who cares for me like no one other.
Strangely , sometimes my close friends share a better communication with her.
 It makes me feel so guilty.

Realizations though are good. Better late than never.

-----

I keep saying I'm or precisely - have grown heartless. Aky says its not possible. I pondered about it and yes maybe am not. Because I haven't been rendered emotionless.
So I figured there's a part of me , a part of my heart which was capable of feeling strongly has gone in limbo.

That explains everything else.

Why am not that over excited kid. Why I don't get a rush. Why am smiling but people sense something else and so on.

Although the best effect of this semi-dead heart is that I don't think much.  I don't form opinions , the philosophical dos and donts of life and I take everything , the good or bad - equally well.

I don't say bye.

You know I hate that part. The goodbyes. It really kills me.
Whether its me leaving the people I've spend time with which always seems like a dream.. or it is these people leaving me all alone at home after a week full of fun.

I didn't enter my room last night. I was dreading I'll end up crying. And when I cry.. I cry like a baby.  Yeah it feels bad..but aren't we too old to cry for such things ?

I handled it well though. Its a feeling. It'll pass.
My heart isn't heavy and sobbing.
 Its like am sedated.

I would have patted myself for being a little emotionally stronger . Its a good thing. It is something thats coming to me after a long long time. *smugs*

Last year ? Flew by , as usual.
Friends and fights. New friends. Wedding. Cousins.
Family politics and crap.
Usual except for the feud.

New year resolution : Just one.
Work out . Work out. Work out.
 Thrice more than before. Specially because I didn't stick to it for most of the year.

The post-Diwali post.

Jab tak hai Jaan literally took our jaan ! What a pathetic movie! :O
The first half is ultra boring. The story spins around a couple of dialogues that hardly make any sense..songs squeezed into the movie with no head and tail whatsoever. ZERO chemistry.

And yes..srk is old. So there's hardly any charm left to our love hero.

Katrina - whether she can act or not  - looks like a goddess. The outfits she has worn in the movie is the ONLY thing worth seeing.
SRK rocks in the army look. Rugged & rustic. That suits him much better than the happy-go-lucky-poor chap- look who tries so hard to seduce !!
With the army look - he needn't do anything.
Black t-shirt with black glares.Killer!

The only reason why I could survive through the first half was due to the ridiculous  comments we made :P Like how Anushka Sharma resembled a frog :D

The second half is tolerable. I was expecting something sad towards the climax. Turned out to be an absolutely DUMB end. Lets not even get into the story!

--- Skyfall : Ok I have no idea why people hated it. There were stream of comments on how the movie was the worst Bond film ever.The movie being more about M than our Agent 007 , so many loopholes etc etc.
But I liked it. Vulnerable Bond. Weaker. Kept me on hook till the end.
It may not fit the James Bond league..but as an action flick - it is worth a watch.
'Entertaining.'


* Diwali *
It has been a week long celebration for us. Just about the usual..dinner or lunch at some or the other cousin's place. But super fun as always.

I made this King size Rangoli.  The biggest I have attempted till date.
Took me a good 4-5 hours.  And since I haven't been exercising at all these days..the squatting gave me a good muscle pain for the next two days.

I haven't been writing much. Rarely. Just don't feel like it.

This happens to be my 350th post. Finally! :P

Dancing in the moonlight.

I don't understand how you can smile all day long

but cry yourself to sleep.

How pictures never change
but people in them do.


How forever turns into a few short months
that you'd do almost anything to get back..


How you can let go certain things you once said
you cannot live without..


How even though you know something is best for you
it hurts just the same..


How the smell of some person stays with you forever
even when they are gone!


-- I didn't write this. A friend forwarded the above message. Most of the people I forwarded it to asked me if I wrote it. It was amusing the kind of response I got.

Z : what happened to you ? we are not made like this! Oh God..the college should resume asap! Nams is getting spoiled ;)

RS : Keep smiling. Whatever it is that is making you upset..just forget it.Pleaseee :)

K : class! You wrote ?!
I said I wish I did.
He said in that case you'd have to fall in love and then have a breakup :P

VB : Kya baat hai! Touched my heart! :)

SK :  100% You're in Looooove :P :P


Whoa! I myself found the message to strike a chord. Specially the last part of it.
But but..I did not write it :D

And let me admit..I've been quite a sucker for these sentimental messages and quotes. The ones that tug your heartstrings you know!
When Z and K nudged me a little to carry on the conversation about relationships - I just had one thing to say. I find it exhausting.

I find it exhausting to fall in love.
To get to know someone. Understand them. Start caring for them. Expect them to understand you back. Think they like you.Fall for them ( misjudge ). All that permutation and combination.
Its tiring.

For me - having a crush  these days in itself is equivalent to having some eye candies around! Full stop.

I feel like I have no heart left.
Nothing affects me.And I'm Ok with it.
We all have our share of disappointments and broken trusts.
The good thing is I'm not crying over it.Or atleast I'm done hurting.
I realized that the whole point is not to keep too many expectations regardless of who the other person is! That way you cut out all the extra emotional attachment.
Not like you shouldn't enjoy the friendship. Just cut out all that stupid crap.

* Working out madly. Eating healthy food. And focusing only on ME.
Everybody else has taken a backseat.

Yaaaaa dude!

All I needed was a vacation!

How about with free food , free dj party , free accommodation and a bunch of funny crazy people ?!
Add to it - the venue being GOA!
Perfect!!

I don't have the right words..I have no words infact to write about the most awesome wedding I've been to. Maybe I'm not very sure how I feel about the whole thing. Its weird that I don't feel weird.
 ( About being back home after having an amazing time and not crying over for missing everything*)

This time in points -

• Made new friends. Absolutely fantastic people!
• Danced ( ofcourse) thrice! :  Sufi night. Sangeet night  and pool party
• Sangeet or DJ night was 'Desi Sunburn' as brat put it. Have never danced so much with live singers. 3 Indian Idol finalist. They sang amazing and the tracks they choose made us all unstopabble. Every time we'd think this is so tiring and now must get off the stage..another kickass track would be played! Freaking awesome.
• Pool party in a madu wedding is very modern I must say. Lol ..quite questionable. But it was again so much fun! They arranged for rain dance as well. Sexy!
• The bride was my cousin.Someone I was very close to. But then things change no ? There's still something special about old friendships. All it needs is unison.And I have no opinions what so ever.  Just enjoyed being there. It was her wedding afterall !!
• The last night of the 3 day wedding..we stayed awake the whole freaking night! Hukah and daru party. One of her friends got so high..she danced alone for an hour. Lol but she is definitely the best dancer I've seen. Totally enjoying to the core and god knows where on earth does she come up with so many different steps!
• I was the only person who did not cry during vidaaai. I didn't cry even on bubble's wedding. I still don't know why. I mean the whole thing is freaking sentimental plus there was background music to it with dhol and vidaai song. It still didn't hit me. All her friends were sobbing. I was blank.
• All of us cousins are very cool. And by cool I mean shameless. There's no limit set to cracking non veg jokes. And then since there were also her 'friends' ..there was absolutely no limit. With all the flirting and link ups there were added double meaning comments. Holy shit! Cheesy allright. But funny at the same time.Ridiculous I'd rather say.
• Before the wedding we all indulged in rigorous dance practice for sangeet. That was another 3 days of full on masti!  With hukah sessions every now and then ;)  
• Everybody vouches on Brat's chammak challo steps ! :D 
• K  played my cousin and she is a damn good dancer herself. G as usual was the lead guy.I was the side dancer. I don't like that. lol but I held onto my grumblings. *pats self*
• Food : 5-star hotels have their own receipes. You generally don't end up liking the usual dishes. But for the continental specially mexican and thai food - it was deliciously delectable along with dulcet desserts!
• To sum up it was one hell of a  heavenly week! :D Mind blowing fun! Too many memories and jokes to rest upon.

* Now the usual custom is that whenever I spend time with my maternal cousins which is like once in a year and come back to my homeplace - I sob like a kid. I start feeling the vacuum much before I'm to bid goodbye to everyone.
This time it was different. Strange. I didn't get the jitters. I was hardly over -conscious of the fact that I was leaving and that its probably going to be another year before I see everyone.
That odd sick moment hit me only for a second when brat  left a night before we all departed. And thats that.
I surprised myself. How much can I empty myself out , afterall ? :)

I've spent a very very good time that I'll always cherish. I have my own grudges for certain things. But it allright. Its like a peck of dust I'm flicking away. Doesn't stand anywhere against the glitterati.

Btw how could I not mention some of our own 'phrases'
Two of my cousins - Ak and Brat have this habit of saying 'Ya dude' all the time. The 'ya' is pronounced with a jolt. lol
And then Ok is Oooooookaaayyy.
We tease brat - ' wtf man wtf!'  He uses the F word like an article.
Ak cracks the most silliest jokes ever. Whatever it may be..the fact is everybody giggles. So I guess it works. :D

I'm the usual photographer. I make sure I click as much I can. But this time with three SLRs there wasn't much scope left for me :D
I'm waiting for the pictures!
Its killing to be dependent man!
'Man' another word used like a phrase. lol :)


I'd been to bengaluru as well. Superb weather!

Entreat

I'll be taking about God(s). And my thoughts mostly emerged in the last 2 days which were consumed in reading The Immortals of Meluha.

First about the book - a blend of fiction , Indian mythology as well as archeology.
Telling a story about Lord Shiva with a different approach. A snazzy story altogether keeping same characters as we've heard about - while also maintaining the structure of Indian mythology.
 Of the Good vs Evil.
Shiva has been depicted as any other human with few extra qualities which the author didn't find necessary to explain &  it does not sketch the character as being prominently good unlike otherwise how one might expect.

I'm kind of happy to read it. Because I don't remember reading anything close to Indian mythology and specially about Lord Shiva - in English , in a fictional novel.
An Indian shall easily connect with the places mentioned, the significance of characters , the use of sanskrit words and symbols.

The language used & frame of plots is decipherable. Not too many flowery words and yet having a good flow and keeping up your interest till the end. However the end forms the turning point to pick up the next one of the trilogy - The Secret of Nagas.

 -----

I'm in awe of Lord Shiva - not particularly because of what the novels tells about him but mostly due to what our mythology speaks of him.
And it actually dawned upon me to pray to him.
I kept wondering why I never prayed to one of the Gods who they say is most easy to impress.

But even before that - I pondered why I never really pray properly. I would usually recite the sanskrit verses we learnt in childhood and though I know their meaning very well - I don't think I meant anything in that prayer. I would be simply  reciting.

Sitting in front of the idol with my eyes closed thinking about my problems as if I were giving him an audio video record of my life while also expecting him to solve it all. And to give a background effect to the prayers , reciting the sanskirt shoklas which hover around the meaning that lord you are father , mother, friend and a teacher.

Thats it.

I questioned myself - How do I expect to be answered for the prayers that aren't really prayers ?

Yes I do beg or entreat or appeal to Him at times - yes , to be specific - when I'm in trouble. But PRAY ? Do we really pray ??

A lot of people complaint that their prayers are never answered.
Maybe they should check whether they have ever TRULY prayed.
I don't complaint in this regard because I know I've rarely truly devoted myself.
I would just act like a stupid kid and even skip my not so useful monologue of so-called-prayers to tell him that I'm pretty mad with him.

And I think I will get along with whatever the universe throws at me.

But thats not how it works. In my sinking weakning moments - I finally have no choice but to resort to him. Shamelessly expecting him to escort me through troubled waters.

I surrender to him.

Dad always says you need not go to temples - you should just truly call upon him with ALL your heart. When prayers come from heart - he takes care of you , more than that of what you can imagine.

So maybe thats the whole point. Its not about chanting some mantras - the meaning of which you do not know or about visiting temples. Its about 'praying' true to the word - with all your heart. Maybe thats when your prayers will reach and only then is there is a possibility of your requests being fulfilled.

I do not question my belief and faith in God. I also do not question not having belief in him. This is probabaly the only thing on earth and in my life about which  I've never been in a dilemma. I have no issues what others say , who others pray to. I don't pray or remember him for getting my demands pampered. I do pray to get my problems fixed. But whenever I do ( ofcourse during crisis ) - I instill so much faith that I don't need to expect anything. I'm not on a waiting line to check when my appeals are responded to.
It just happens when it has to.

So all this brainstorming I did in past 2 days concludes that : we were taught that we SHOULD pray. However nobody teaches HOW to pray. Thats the trick. Secret to all the questionable beliefs.

I now pray with all my heart..with all my energy ...without ANY other damned thing on my mind.
And I'm proud of that.

Because I know I will be taken care of.

Har har Mahadev!

I'm committed!

TO WORKING OUT!

Resumed brisk walking again after what seems like ages.
Its embarrassingly long since I stopped.

Not being able to squeeze 30 mins for yourself is the lamest excuse.

I'm so overexcited about my fitness regime that I'm wanting to do too many things at one go. That;s the whole problem with me..either I do too much or nothing at all! I never quite settle in the between.

So even while I'm walking , I'm also starting over with yoga and medidation.
I'm tired of searching for videos and reading from books for the right posture technique et al..so I've already started looking for a good yoga teacher.

When I was religiously keeping up with my walking sessions..I was happy. I didn't expect any result. I wasn't focused on result. I was just doing it! And it paid off. Because I actually got results.

I was so overjoyed ..that I scrapped the entire program  :P

When I began again - It  made me very result oriented which had a negative impact. I used to get frustrated on not getting results fast.
Again I would scrap the whole plan almost as if giving up.

So now when I'm kicking off to a fresh start ..I'm not expecting or focusing on result. I will just keep doing and keep going on.

There's an added advanatge about working out. The feeling is unchallenged. Its superbly refreshing.

I want to look good. I want to be fit.

Plus I've a fresh motivation.Cousin's wedding at goa :P Gotto look good anyhow!! :D

One year I give to myself. For completely making myself addicted to the most wonderful thing : fitness.

Into the coffin || No space left.

In my several furious uncanny attempts..

I tried destroying it. Burning it. Forgetting it.

It doesn't go away you know?

It comes back..with even more intensity.

I tried consoling. Convincing. Answering myself.

Questioning more.

Boomerang.

Everything always comes back , except what is really meant to be back. Except what I never threw away. Except what just went away.

The more I tried getting rid of it...the more it came..and the more it destroyed me.

Want it to abandon me.

Devastating.

Like someone stabbed - took away a part of my heart and  left me with with the other half , bleeding.

Bleeding more. Like it would never empty itself out.

I cry. Alone. Jokingly tell others I cried. And I laugh. Almost - alone.

 And then sometimes while I'm driving...I draw the locks of my hair behind my earlobes , turn up the volume , my hands on the steering wheel tapping with the beats - and I tell myself
Its fine. And its over.

Almost suddenly striked down by the fact..that it wasn't supposed to be this way. And I had it already sailed to float away.

 Wasn't that easy , was it ?

It is to be banned from any invitations my memories may yearn for.

There' no space left.

Don't stab it , again.

Things change.

Things don't remain the same.

Sounding synonymous. Meaning different.

Its been an year. Lets just give it , its funeral.

Not tossing aside this time.

Simply cosigning it to the grave.

My heart won't bleed again.

Summer Jam.

 - We spend 100 bucks like peanuts.
But when it comes to a text message that would deduct one rupee out of the leftover balance -
 drastic CHANGE IN MENTALITY.

You'd rather not 'waste' that one rupee :D

- Anger management therapy.
 My personal remedy : just sleep over! 
By the time you wake up , chances are you wouldn't even remember what were you so cranky about.

-  Retail therapy works only if you FIND good clothes.
It can have an opposite effect otherwise.

- One of the fast catching lines in college :  
"Tu kahe toh jaan bhi de du..bas mangiyo mat :D"

- I'm mad with my soul sister because she is shifting to the other end of the city.Not that I've met her in past one month despite the fact that she stays only 2 kms far..but knowing that she is going away a little far and I cannot see her anytime I wish to - is - killing me.
I have this over burdening hypothetical and projected feeling that she wouldn't be as close to me.
One of my worst fears.

- There have been rounds and various kinds of conflicts among friends. As we sat to discuss and sort things out - there wasn't much left to say.Nobody spoke much.And whatever we did was more in jest. I wonder why it got so awkward and difficult to convey.
Maybe sometimes you just cannot explain.
Maybe sometimes you just want the other person to understand everything by them self.
Whether they do or not is secondary though.
Because the best part is even in that brief mute meeting all cold vibes are hijacked in a jiffy when you giggle looking at each other. :P

-  Life ka aisa funda hai ki..
Stop forming opinions every flipping second.
What someone is doing or what someone said & how someone behaves is a rubbish collection of useless data : as long as it doesn't "really" affect you.
treat how you are treated. Or still better - don't treat at all.

Thats enough to survive blazing summers! Keep your head cool :P

- And add to it the fact that exams are kind of more fun than vacations. All of us friends are together the whole time! It is also interesting that nobody  runs out of funny topics to talk about while studying.
Our 'hard work' pays off by totally getting screwed in the exam.
 :O
Usually we all have this mechanism of predicting what questions are going to be asked. Atleast 4 on 6 on average are correct. This time, however , the topics we are skipping are making their way into the paper.
Now I don't really have this second theory that I should opt for these apparent topics that are NOT going to be asked. Its going to work the opposite anyhow!!

- I've got this laughter disease. I am constantly laughing on anything and everything. Even when a friend asks 'How was the exam?' - which she couldn't appear for because she was detained :D ( funny story that :P ) 
I've been banned from conference calls because my 'performance' - as one of them said - was below mark. Lol , hasne se fursat mile tab I'll speak anything ?! :|

- I won't be able to attend the housewarming party of my uncle. It should be called the palace warming party. They've built a 30,000 sq feet bungalow! - totally palace looking from outside and super modern from the inside. No switches and stuff. Automated. 
And ...I will be missing THE party!!
And see my bad luck..I've got the shitty exam right on that day in the blazing afternoon so I can't even catch the flight.
 I obviously have this urge to sit for makeup exam :P
but thats not going to happen [ the nth time I'm on this side of the argument !]
My friend adds fuel to the fire - tempting me to go.  
Exam toh chalte rehna hai..aise party kab hogi wapas?!
Read : GO ! So that I can beat your score. :o

I'm not competing re baba. I'm competing with myself. :P Seriously.
I think the above statement comes into action when you are scoring better than your friends.
Otherwise ..it would be like..
'Damn'
 'Chal dekhte is baar kitne milte' *very competitively*
'How many pages did you fill ?' *desperately*
'Tune toh sab kuch padh li hogi , hai na? Revision bhi ho gaya hoga 2 baar ?? :P'
lol ;)

the next exam is on Applied Operations Reasearch and I will be feel horrible if I don't screw it.
Gotto make it even.

Shoot.

Dad says

Don't let your thoughts kill you.


Kill your thoughts.

Water splashing.

There was a time , say almost an year or two back when I used to dread festivals.
It would only mean being stuck up in home , and doing just  about nothing.
Physically present in a pretense of a happy environment.
 And yet mentally fighting with the loneliness.

Festivals are meant to be 'celebrated' together.

Not when one of your parents prefers watching the TV or say is least interested in forming a little social circle.

When another one of your parents is busy doing the household chores.And is upset to be holding onto the routine even on this day.

So what do you do ? Deck up and sit quietly. Or watch TV.
So much for the chores that you are not good at anyway.

I don't think that's anybody's idea of celebration or festival.

I don't feel you can celebrate alone.

So what's changed now ?

The relations with the extended family.  A little much to  do rather than just watching tv.

I wouldn't pretend I'm happy. But then I'm GLAD to be occupied , on festivals.

Else my heart would shrink the tiniest on knowing I'm the only one not 'celebrating'.

Lets also say..I've conditioned myself to be indifferent.
 I'm so saturated , it hardly matters to me.

I look forward to spend time with cousins. Laugh along..share old stories et al.

But deep deep deep inside my heart , I'm hurting every bit.

Holi was no different. Flower holi like last year :D
Singing bhajans.
And some 15 mins of water splashing.
Thats about it. Something's better than nothing. Thank god for that.
And well , yeah...that's it :)

Driving on highway

I just got wings. So I cannot stop from flying.

Doing crazy stuff. Drove 20 kms in the outskirts of the  city for a college function at night.

It was risky. My first drive on highway at night.
Did not tell at home.

"kamine' friends kept irritating all through the drive :
" yes ,  run over that guy.."
" are 2-3 ko toh aaj uda hi dena.."
" Oyee..mai apni mom ka ek lauta beta hoon..so please aaram se chala"
" Nammm...if you hit the truck , the truck will be pieces..apne ko kuch nahi hoga" :P

So even while my car and we all survived ...( it was quite hyped..I was driving good enough!)
this guy Z starts talking about flesh , blood and dunno what all :O

And he did not accompany us , the girls on our way back. Free food makes him 10 times more hungry :|

Had an amazing Dj party! Danced to my heart's content! :D :D
We never refrain ourselves from doing garba..even if the song played is 'chammak challo'

Seniors choreographed a fashion show on retro theme. Quite commendable.

And there was lavani too which was performed twice.

We too danced on 2 bollywood numbers with 1 hr of practice.
Maybe the saving grace was that we cancelled one of our dance sequence at the end moment on seeing all the other dance performances. :P

College doesn't suck when it arranges such parties :D
How I love to dance !!

Twenty Two.

Turning 22 couldn't have been any better. I had the most awesomest bday till date!
Right from the midnight bday blast in train with friends , cutting 4 cakes ,  dinner plan to the dvd having clips from family and friends wishing and making fun of me :P

Spent an amazing time with everyone in a short trip to Pune. Had gone for a case study competition ( which obviously was an excuse to go out and have fun :D )

Was awfully drained out on my bday due to lack of sleep and yet my friends coaxed me for giving them bday treat. Glad I turned in..totally made my day =)

Special thanks to T. You are the best!!

-- So 22 , huh ? Doesn't feel like.

I had a mental list of the things I wanted to do/fulfill.
The ticks haven't made their place in the list.
As every year...I reflect upon myself ..of what I am the day I turn an year older.
All I can say is - I take responsibility for my actions.
I do not crib and drag the same rugged topic over and again.
I have stopped blaming my parents for the decisions that I've made.
I've learnt to adapt to the conditions. I've learnt to be good.
I've let go off the things that weren;t important and consumed most of my time and energy.

And am all set to improve.
To become better and well eventually the best !

I want to make dad proud.
I want to keep pursuing what attracts me. I do not want my zeal to diminish.
I want to travel more  with friends.
I want to keep smiling and laughing.

22 is big!! Haven't done anything significant in life yet..but I guess am on the track now :)
I'm writing quite randomly :D

One of the 4 cakes that I cut...lol :D