Saturday, August 29, 2009

Honest Killer Confusion

15 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
Its so difficult to choose between passion and duty

Its even more difficult to choose between obligation & desire.

I'm gearing up to be a bit logically selfish.

I'm tired of keeping myself in a state of oblivion.

I'm tired of being fickle minded.

I'm tired of WANTING to please someone but not doing anything significant to please.

I'm tired of talking to myself.

I have a big decision to make within a week.And this time I cannot escape.

Not a coward - I simply don't have the guts to talk about changing my career.

But I MUST!

Already wasted an year doing abs nothing. I want to see myself accomplishing something good in life..be it small in volume , be it not very attractive , be it something that doesn't turn into a money machine - but be something that makes me content of doing it.

Living in a different city , hostel life , food & eating habits , being a typical shy introvert who could cry at a drop of a hat , who cannot face a minimal humiliation - that's all a different chapter to deal with.

The index itself is going to create a helluva fuss.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Felt pretty much divine

14 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
I've been so busy last week that I haven't had the time to look myself into the mirror :P
lol.. I wanted to use this particular line/phrase since such a long time !

I don't know where to begin from.Of whether how hastily I made a plan or how proud I am to be making an abs right decision , of how am upset that the week is over & am back or that I had a wonderful time. I have just toooo much to write & share about.
ok , WONDERFUL TIME part
We had a family get together at Tirupati.My maternal family get together.We were supposed to be 80 ppl but cut short to 61 at the end.None of the kids were going to come.
kids = actual kids + the unmarried teens/adults :P

but thanks ..really thanks to swine flu that the ones staying in pune & blore had no school/coll which forced them to come :) I was so eager to be a part of this & since last 2 months I'd been telling mom that come what may..I'm gonna go to Tirupati.

The reason wasn't just meeting everyone.I really wanted to go to a pilgrim in any part of India & it cldnt get better with a family meet.Know what ? there's a saying that 'tum bhagwan k darshan k liye nahi jate..bhagwan tumhe bulate hai' ( essence of some context lies in its regional lingo )
It so very much fits in my case.I had cancelled all my plans to Tirupati but then suddenly 2 days b4 the meet , my cousins said that they'll be going & there was just no way I was going to sit at home & miss all the fun.

There wasn't any direct flight to b'lore on the 15th of Aug & that time I felt maybe I won't be able to make it. But I don't know what made me change my mind & calculate other possibilities.Before I cld even make sense out of how fast things were moving , I flew to mumbai on 15th evening , reached home at 10.30 & stayed awake till 2 in morning.Had to wake up at 3.30 to catch a flight to Blore.
I wanted to stay in B'lore for atleast a day but we had to rush.I reached Tirupati by afternoon & everybody was taken aback that I'd managed to come . I was given a warn welcome that brought instant joy.

Spent the rest of the evening playing cards :P yeah we 'kids' didn't have much to do apart from that.I counted later - there were 16 of us packed in a small room playing cards , giggling - Nik & Monkey teasing me & Rach + cracking envy jokes.
Gross they were as usual!

Next high-tea.
And then started the programme for the evening.I told Rach ' Time to feel Divine' .Everybody sang 'bhajans' for about 2 hrs.I don't think I stopped clapping even for a minute all the while :) I enjoy listening & singing bhajans specially the ones sung live.
After dinner , we kids got back to playing cards & of what I remember stayed awake till 1 only to wake up at 2.30! Hurried & scurried to get ready by 3.30 sharp.Then we left for the temple.It took us two hours to see Balaji God :) At Balaji temple , you've gotta go through a long route to reach the entrance of the temple. Those 2 hrs passed away in a click because again we all sang bhajans.And I again said to Rach ' time to feel divine' :)

Around 6.30 we all headed back to the place we were staying at.Had breakfast.Again in afternoon , we went for darshan.On the way to the temple , there was some kind of disturbance caused by other people.They were almost ready to kill us :S Our group splitted , so all we were doing is trying to collect everyone.But the others took advantage & seeped ahead.I felt claustrophobic.It really got scary.Those ppl were yuck.

Darshan was really nice.Bubble was my religious wikipedia who told me things I never asked her :P She had an explanation for everything..Of why things are the way things are. Irked me a little at times but I was so low on energy that there was no point losing my temper , lol.
I hardly slept for 4 hrs in those 48 hrs & I was still ready to play cards :D

We were playing this game called 'Killer' where there's a detective holding the card J & the killer being the one holding the card K.The killer is supposed to kill everyone else by winking & the J or detective has to tell who the killer is.After being winked , one had to say 'I am dead'
Full on time pass :D

On this evening , we all sat together for Sundarkand. I chanted all the mantras except for few times when I almost slept.Was very tired.
And later on , we celebrated Rakshabandhan.I didn't earn much :(
That night too we were awake till 1 in morning.Next day we came down to Tirupati ( Balaji temple is at Tirumalai ) & visited two more temples.On our way , we listened to Telugu songs :D lol

At 7 , we were in our train.One full boogie for us !That was super fun :) Enjoyed the journey back to my maternal hometown.
This was the only time that I didn't want the train journey to end.
Btw , we played cards in train too :P

Brat was crying because he thought he had swine flu :D No I'm not going to 'lol' or laugh at this one , I was really 'awww' for him.I mean my sweet lil 16 yr old Brat cried ??! :D He is Adorable :)) Nahh not at all stupid.

Spent the rest of the week with my cousins , first at my nani's house & then in Pune.
Enjoyed every SECOND of it.
Had paneer tikka masala three days in a row and inspite of that being my fav , I missed ghar ka khana ! Had hookah too! Liked apple flavor.

One thing I know now - what makes me the most happiest is Family.I used to skip these events , weddings etc 2-3 yrs back but once I attended two weddings recently, these ppl have turned into powerful magnets & there's no getting away form them.

The best part is that : My rapport with each cousin of mine has developed so much. Earlier there were problems : fights, taunts, cold shouldering ,mood swings etc
After all the fun , I used to feel something left out.As if my time wasn't worth it.But there has been a major change since then.I've never been so much happier. Also , its thanks to my non-cribbing + non - nagging mode which is helping.Seriously...seriously..if you stop sulking - every single atom/molecule of every single part in life is beautiful.

The worst part : I'm back :( bloody time has to bloody move so fast!!! every hour there passed like a second & frankly I can write about each & every hour in detail !

The good part : I'm just too happy to have found an inclination towards God which is beautiful.
Content with my rapport with cousins.They make for GREAT friends :)
Content with my weight loss & the corresponding compliments :) Lol ..its so funny , everybody else has put on weight :D

The question : Why is everybody so faithful for Balaji God ? Why do I never see so many ppl together at any other temple ??! :S

The hitch : I cldn't pray properly.I mean they give you 10 seconds to be inside the temple & that time I just went blank.Will regret that :( Everything was too mesmerizing to let me focus on my wish list.

I'm missing everyone.Found a backup in my paternal family though :) We celebrated Rakshabandhan on Monday ! Too late but I guess but we prefer having our own calender :P

I'm not really content with how I've written this post.It wasn't supposed to be this way.I had a lot of things in my mind to jot down & a lot of ways in which I wanted to write 'em down.
Huh but I don't have the patience to write again.And its been too long that I've posted.
So be it !

Monday, August 10, 2009

Selfless gratitude

21 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
Sometimes hearing 'Be Brave' in a relaxed -yet -in- all -seriousness -tone from ONE person is far greater than twenty others asking you to take care.

Its a skill to be able to convey a message with all genuineness.The one who hears gains some momentum in his/her strength.Feels good :)

Thanks to my hottest friends for being my coolest energy drink.
Thank you for NOT sympathizing.

Thank you God.Thank you Mom.
Thank you my extended family.
Thanks to P1 & P2.Thanks to my brother.
No thanks to dad : you never warned me ?!?!

I am exhausted .On top of that I'm losing my temper in same magnitude as am draining out.I need to act 19 , for god sake! Or atleast very responsible.Perfectly responsible.So that nobody gets to makes a fuss of my tiny lethargic flaws.


The latest in self-realization is that : I've at last put a debate with myself on hold - of whether I'm selfish or not.
My innocent self doesn't allow me to see myself selfish.I haven't reached a conclusion as yet , but I guess its leading to a way that's telling me that I have faith on my rather indescribable confidence OR I have confidence in my rather indescribable faith BUT NOT SELFISH.Either of the two but certainly one of the two.
I can't let a third option pop-in because that can only be lethargy , considering which is a pain to me.
Maybe I should stop debating.Its OK to be a little selfish , isn't it ? And its OK not to be ;)

Focusing back to priorities - THANK GOD! I mean thank YOU God! :))
I wasn't scared at all.I knew everything would be abs fine.
Thank you dad.( I don't exactly know for what - for telling something & yet hiding something more imp. But thanks now that you did tell SOME thing which is good & detailed )

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Perplexed Puzzle

11 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
I'm a puzzle.A wandering puzzle.A refugee.I take a dis comfortable place very comfortably in the lives of perplexed souls.As of now..I'm frequently visiting Namarta alias Sugar cube.She thinks I like her a lot but I'm unable to explain her that she is the one who invites me almost unknowingly.I come & stay as a guest.I remain for as long as she wants me to be with her.I like to irk her. I'm more than just a jigsaw puzzle.I'm not pieces.I'm cut into a hundred parts after my arrival.

Sugar cube loves to have me at times.Its fun for her to solve me.To dissolve me.But when I return , I bring along my peers.More puzzles.Sugar cube liked solving me , no ? So I thought she would like to have more of our species.But she detests.However we are not the kind of guests who fancy being ill-treated.Either solve us or bear the complication of having us.We do not disappear until our host finds a solution.

I'm a strong puzzle.But I like to come in packages.Sometimes I hoodwink.I'm assumed to be my distant relative - confusion.I like being under the wraps & I do not reveal myself until the confusion stops making sense.I'm no saint. I'm no devil either.

I come by my own will but I do not go by my will.I'm a twisted loop.A spring waiting to be stretched until it looses its elasticity.Its difficult to get rid of me but am not very difficult by myself.A calm , cool , collected creature won't spun me around & chuck me out in the garbage.Did I not tell I'm strong ? Powerful.I cannot be destroyed.I can only be solved.

Talking of sugar cube ...she has jacketed me with a trench coat of restlessness.I come as a puzzle & she makes me more of a puzzle.She now knows she is not just confused.I turned her into a battered creature.Numb she may be but I still silently hurt her.Its not my fault , really.What am I ? Just a Puzzle.Not a complication.Not a confusion.I can be solved.Don't make me eat your sorrow.Don't make me drink your anxiety.That's none of my business & yet again lemme warn you - don't leave me unattended ;)

I sleep when she asks me to go away but am still near her. I hang around her to remind her I'm still a part of a larger puzzle she already owns - Life.

She thinks she solved a young puzzle chum of mine .She cannot take the credits for that though. The young fellow had other interesting lives to attack.So the puzzle went away.She did not scare him away. She was disturbed two-three days back & I take full charge of that.Yes she can rightly blame me! Of the two things that bothered her - she has decided not give a damn for one of the two & for the other , she's talked heart-to-heart with her plum cake.All good.

I 'm observing - someone painted back a faded color for her.That resulted into her forgetting me once again.I'm on a break till the time the color is fresh.

Btw , I also happen to see that she has got a new haircut which is nothing short of a disaster.However I'm baffled , really , me - the puzzle - is baffled that she did not cry at all.No wonder how she is habitual of having terrible haircuts.Of what I remember I also saw a silhouette sitting on the staircase - staring the window - her head hung down & her palms pumping her cheeks.She did cry a little after all.
I'll be back my dearest battered sugar cube.Stay puzzled.

Puzzle , oh dear puzzle! You're funny mate! I'm waiting to kick your ass once again.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Color blind

14 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
Is there a way to wring the neck of IRONY ?
I was so superbly happy yesterday & day before..wasn't I ?
And there..just when I've kept it at the last corner of my mind - the irony - it comes to me right when am at my hyper best.

I usually THINK & wonder about happiness & the excitement around it to the point where I turn morbid & conclude something really godforsaken is about to happen in a blink of an eye.I just KNOW it will but meanwhile I do not waste a single second in enjoying my euphoric phase.
And yet..at the back of my mind..there are colors I don't see , there are empty paint buckets that I assume are contained with fresh paint colors.There's a faint restlessness.As if a faded color.Unnoticeable.

It happens often.I'm used to the irony.Something grills me completely, inside out .
This time however , I didn't see it coming .I wasn't prepared at all.

How do you undress disappointment ?
Howe do you undress awkwardness ?
How do you undress excitement ?? Of all the things on earth ..I want to shun away THIS !

How I wish I never talked of X Y Z.
How I wish I never met X Y Z.

The disappointment muffler ?? The one that is wringing my neck right now ?
How come I didn't perceive some colors ?
How come my vision was disoriented ?
How come I do not have a wide view of spectrum ?
How come ...Nothing Lasts Forever ?

How ?

I'm color blind.That's why.
I need a Life.
Paint my life.

Will someone kill Irony ?

I ain't crazy.Almost every color is driving me M A D because I know there are different COLORS but I see the same shade.

Inexplicable.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Cruising avec Sorelle

6 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
I end up celebrating acquaintance day or a school-buddy day every year on Friendship's day .Since last 4-5 yrs ..I've been partying out with my school buddies on this day..half of which I don't talk to.I fail to connect with them.Specially the guys.I find 'em all kinda weird & am sure they find me exactly that way :P lol

But no matter where I am & with who I am..I always enjoyed dancing on the First Sunday of every August.This yr however ..there were change of plans & I didn't see any of my school friends.I think they had a secret party where I wasn't invited lol :D
But the problem isn't that I wasn't with school pals.The problem is there was no party at all.And no dancing either.I feel bad for the dancing part :(

Its sad ..the Radio wasn't playing peppy songs at midnight either or else I had plans to plug in my headphones & dance ;)

Nevertheless , I went out for a movie with two of my loveliest sisters , my friend & my friend's sister.Complete Sister's Day Out! :D but I'll be kidding myself if I do not call that FUN.
I had a good time minus the dancing which is an achievement :))
We watched Love Aaj Kal & I don't quite know what I watched.I mean at least not post -interval.We 5 were constantly spoofing the movie ..making ridiculous comments :P & of course giggling over it.

I'm over excited.I was 10 folds over excited yesterday than today.How come such a small gathering make me so happy ? I don't know.But its cool to be happy with no gala event :)

The icing on the cake was that I turned heads over my outfit :D
Mom , surprisingly : "We are not in Mauritius"
Me : So what ? *chuckles*
P1 : "OMG! Doll! Mast lag rahi hai
P2 : "Wow doll!"
Uncle : "Ohho..Modern girl"
Me: almost trying to hide from him
Aunt : Accha hai accha hai on seeing me sulk.Acchi lag rahi hai
Dad : I didn't recognize you.
Me : :D lol This one makes me feel the best ! :D

Ok , so whats up everyone ? I was looking good , am damned sure :D but that's only because of my outfit.I wore this sleeveless black top - very simple , decent & elegant..& certainly the cutest dress in my closet that fits me so well that I look thin :D Its amazing how much a dress can change your entire personality.I had no make up on.I did not get the time to iron my hair either.I had put kohl in my eye which too isn't unusual.But THAT dress made all the difference ;)
Heck! It made my day !

There aren't many restrictions regarding what I wear.Decency is all that is required. Usually am in looset oufits I can find for myself.Therefore the surprise-shock reactions from all.

Its so ultra cool to receive compliments.It means a lot to me.There are times when I am dressed up for a party but nobody says anything to me.Not that I want every body's compliment or praise ..but I do need just ONE person to tell me that I'm looking good when I actually am and then I take the first flight to cloud 9 :D It makes me feel a lot better & confident when someone says something nice about the way I look :) At the back of my mind , I make a note -
  • You're looking fine.Relax!
The entire time I spend with my folks compensated for any party I wld have been to.We sure could have gone to a better place to eat , had we all planned the day properly , but am not complaining.I really enjoyed.Its strange how I always find myself in so much Joy in a little event.Its great :)
We girls are already gearing up for dandiya :D

Sorelle ( Italian ) = Sisters * I love the word :)