Wednesday, May 30, 2012

rebound

3 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
I didn't take chance. I was scared of not doing well.
But sitting here and watching everyone doing well at everything they ever wanted to do and maybe more..it feels wrong. Wrong for myself. Wrong that I couldn't opt  what I yearned for.
wrong that I never had enough conviction.

I sometimes complaint why my parents sent me to such a fancy school.
I complaint why were we so traditional about everything despite being so educated.

I know they've had a tough battle themselves. I know how my parents had to recreate everything from scratch. Thats why my grumblings have no support. My complaints do no stand anywhere.

Sometimes I find I can blame no one. Not them. Not myself. And thats irritating.
It has to be someone's fault afterall.

These blame game goes around in such inconsistent loop.Its tough to break it.
And if not for what has already been done...I don't see much chance of shifting track either.
Rebounding the wrong.

Peer pressure. Social comprises. Expectations. Awareness about keeping them happy. Then listening to your heart. Not finding confidence. Trying to keep them happy. Failing almost everywhere.

I got over peer pressure or that's what I'd like to believe.
I hate how funadamental decisions in life are classified according to culture and other such crap.
I willed not to be rebellious but I don't think I've made them very proud either.

There are so many mistakes on my side too.
So in all this mess..I lost a lot of time. A lot of energy.

And I got absolutely nowhere.

I'm not happy and proud about what I'm doing.
And for someone like me...who has otherwise had  a good life..despite all the downturns her parents had to go through...my soul still cries.
Everybody has a right to dream and demand what they really want for themself.

My self created world has shattered.
I'm so lost - at first getting upset about everything and later on consoling myself , telling its all ok.

I used to compare my life to others.People I've been with , which was far worse.
Everybody's life is different.
Now that I have stopped that..it hasn't changed anything.
I'm still nowhere.
And I don't find any space to move.

My dad used to always say to me - you don't need others to certify you. Don't crave for what they will say about you. Certify yourself.

I wanted to tell my dad I couldn't certify myself. I wasn't capable enough. Not worthy enough for any certificate.

Can someone just gently pull me out of this catastrophe ?

Sunday, May 27, 2012

I'm committed!

3 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
TO WORKING OUT!

Resumed brisk walking again after what seems like ages.
Its embarrassingly long since I stopped.

Not being able to squeeze 30 mins for yourself is the lamest excuse.

I'm so overexcited about my fitness regime that I'm wanting to do too many things at one go. That;s the whole problem with me..either I do too much or nothing at all! I never quite settle in the between.

So even while I'm walking , I'm also starting over with yoga and medidation.
I'm tired of searching for videos and reading from books for the right posture technique et al..so I've already started looking for a good yoga teacher.

When I was religiously keeping up with my walking sessions..I was happy. I didn't expect any result. I wasn't focused on result. I was just doing it! And it paid off. Because I actually got results.

I was so overjoyed ..that I scrapped the entire program  :P

When I began again - It  made me very result oriented which had a negative impact. I used to get frustrated on not getting results fast.
Again I would scrap the whole plan almost as if giving up.

So now when I'm kicking off to a fresh start ..I'm not expecting or focusing on result. I will just keep doing and keep going on.

There's an added advanatge about working out. The feeling is unchallenged. Its superbly refreshing.

I want to look good. I want to be fit.

Plus I've a fresh motivation.Cousin's wedding at goa :P Gotto look good anyhow!! :D

One year I give to myself. For completely making myself addicted to the most wonderful thing : fitness.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

I drive diesel :P

2 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
I've let google hijack me with only one topic in last couple of hrs : the fuel price hike.

And have read several articles here and there about the opposition and of the justification.

On the onset the marginal hike is 'too much'. Certainly.

But given to the rupee drop..and the current account deficit - the price hike is justified!

I gave a presentation on the present scenario of Indian economy only two months back.
Had discussed with bro about the hows and whys of inflation while making the presentation , where I actually for the first time understood how it works - sans the bookish knowledge.

So my opinion  on the price hike was positive.

I'm not fully aware if there are other options which the government had.
And ofcourse...the government isn't a fool. They know what they are doing!

Yes it will impact the inflation which only managed to get a little better this year.
And we've gotto bear the brunt of it.

I confess I do not fully understand the cycle - in an analytical way covering all aspects.

-- but for now..I can smug.
I drive a diesel car :P

Friday, May 18, 2012

Into the coffin || No space left.

2 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
In my several furious uncanny attempts..

I tried destroying it. Burning it. Forgetting it.

It doesn't go away you know?

It comes back..with even more intensity.

I tried consoling. Convincing. Answering myself.

Questioning more.

Boomerang.

Everything always comes back , except what is really meant to be back. Except what I never threw away. Except what just went away.

The more I tried getting rid of it...the more it came..and the more it destroyed me.

Want it to abandon me.

Devastating.

Like someone stabbed - took away a part of my heart and  left me with with the other half , bleeding.

Bleeding more. Like it would never empty itself out.

I cry. Alone. Jokingly tell others I cried. And I laugh. Almost - alone.

 And then sometimes while I'm driving...I draw the locks of my hair behind my earlobes , turn up the volume , my hands on the steering wheel tapping with the beats - and I tell myself
Its fine. And its over.

Almost suddenly striked down by the fact..that it wasn't supposed to be this way. And I had it already sailed to float away.

 Wasn't that easy , was it ?

It is to be banned from any invitations my memories may yearn for.

There' no space left.

Don't stab it , again.

Things change.

Things don't remain the same.

Sounding synonymous. Meaning different.

Its been an year. Lets just give it , its funeral.

Not tossing aside this time.

Simply cosigning it to the grave.

My heart won't bleed again.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Summer Jam.

4 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
 - We spend 100 bucks like peanuts.
But when it comes to a text message that would deduct one rupee out of the leftover balance -
 drastic CHANGE IN MENTALITY.

You'd rather not 'waste' that one rupee :D

- Anger management therapy.
 My personal remedy : just sleep over! 
By the time you wake up , chances are you wouldn't even remember what were you so cranky about.

-  Retail therapy works only if you FIND good clothes.
It can have an opposite effect otherwise.

- One of the fast catching lines in college :  
"Tu kahe toh jaan bhi de du..bas mangiyo mat :D"

- I'm mad with my soul sister because she is shifting to the other end of the city.Not that I've met her in past one month despite the fact that she stays only 2 kms far..but knowing that she is going away a little far and I cannot see her anytime I wish to - is - killing me.
I have this over burdening hypothetical and projected feeling that she wouldn't be as close to me.
One of my worst fears.

- There have been rounds and various kinds of conflicts among friends. As we sat to discuss and sort things out - there wasn't much left to say.Nobody spoke much.And whatever we did was more in jest. I wonder why it got so awkward and difficult to convey.
Maybe sometimes you just cannot explain.
Maybe sometimes you just want the other person to understand everything by them self.
Whether they do or not is secondary though.
Because the best part is even in that brief mute meeting all cold vibes are hijacked in a jiffy when you giggle looking at each other. :P

-  Life ka aisa funda hai ki..
Stop forming opinions every flipping second.
What someone is doing or what someone said & how someone behaves is a rubbish collection of useless data : as long as it doesn't "really" affect you.
treat how you are treated. Or still better - don't treat at all.

Thats enough to survive blazing summers! Keep your head cool :P

- And add to it the fact that exams are kind of more fun than vacations. All of us friends are together the whole time! It is also interesting that nobody  runs out of funny topics to talk about while studying.
Our 'hard work' pays off by totally getting screwed in the exam.
 :O
Usually we all have this mechanism of predicting what questions are going to be asked. Atleast 4 on 6 on average are correct. This time, however , the topics we are skipping are making their way into the paper.
Now I don't really have this second theory that I should opt for these apparent topics that are NOT going to be asked. Its going to work the opposite anyhow!!

- I've got this laughter disease. I am constantly laughing on anything and everything. Even when a friend asks 'How was the exam?' - which she couldn't appear for because she was detained :D ( funny story that :P ) 
I've been banned from conference calls because my 'performance' - as one of them said - was below mark. Lol , hasne se fursat mile tab I'll speak anything ?! :|

- I won't be able to attend the housewarming party of my uncle. It should be called the palace warming party. They've built a 30,000 sq feet bungalow! - totally palace looking from outside and super modern from the inside. No switches and stuff. Automated. 
And ...I will be missing THE party!!
And see my bad luck..I've got the shitty exam right on that day in the blazing afternoon so I can't even catch the flight.
 I obviously have this urge to sit for makeup exam :P
but thats not going to happen [ the nth time I'm on this side of the argument !]
My friend adds fuel to the fire - tempting me to go.  
Exam toh chalte rehna hai..aise party kab hogi wapas?!
Read : GO ! So that I can beat your score. :o

I'm not competing re baba. I'm competing with myself. :P Seriously.
I think the above statement comes into action when you are scoring better than your friends.
Otherwise ..it would be like..
'Damn'
 'Chal dekhte is baar kitne milte' *very competitively*
'How many pages did you fill ?' *desperately*
'Tune toh sab kuch padh li hogi , hai na? Revision bhi ho gaya hoga 2 baar ?? :P'
lol ;)

the next exam is on Applied Operations Reasearch and I will be feel horrible if I don't screw it.
Gotto make it even.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

'I like you!' NO WAY! :D

1 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
'I like you' is a killer statement.
One of the most confusing and ambiguous thing for someone to hear.
Too many questions.

So you like me as in just plain simple like me without me having to read between lines ?

Or

You like me and you want to take that to love me and furthur more ..getting to know better etc etc ?

Or

You like me and you just want to indulge in some harmless or harmful flirting for a while ?

Or

You like me and you want me to like you back exactly the same way ??

Or

You like me and that is just a white lie you're blurting to sugarcoat in order to deceive me into falling for you whereas you are only playing around ?

Or

You like me enough to kiss me and put a full stop right there ?

Or

You like me as a friend ..the best kind of like me and that you care for me , you are there for me no matter what ?

Or

You like me ..and you are just saying that for the heck of it!

So what kind of 'like you' do you like me ? ;)

..Sounds rather simple and easy , no ? -- In normal non-analytical state that is!

But when you know something  - why not know it in its perfect version?