Friday, December 6, 2013

Karma

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I've been spending some time reading and understanding Karma. I knew about it. Its feeded in our sub conscious right from our childhood. But I've never thought so deeply about this cause and effect circle.  And there are so many questions that I want answers for.

What are the 'good' and 'bad' things ?
Apart from ofcourse the basic..not wanting bad for someone , not seeking revenge etc.

Do thoughts count too ? Momentarily passing thoughts of jealousy , hatred or maybe even revenge ? Or is it all about the action one takes ?

If its all about Karma..the ACTIONS one takes - then what about your pre-written destiny ?

 I strongly believe in destiny.

Can the course of my destiny change solely on the basis of my Karma ?

Aren't all these laws intimidating and astonishing ?? I think its crazy!

But then the whole idea behind Karma is probably the fairness with which each person deserves to live.

And there goes the next question - who decides what we deserve ??

Crazy , no ? :D

================================================

* My idea of forgiving is to let go. I mean yes someone says they're sorry. Then you just say 'its ok' wherein completely meaning that its NOT ok - that's not forgiving , is it ?

You just got to LET GO.

* I'm blunt and rude. Really very blunt. Almost like I throw fireballs when I'm on my taunting mode. When I'm hurt. And I like being blunt. Although it doesn't filter any hurting for myself. It causes even more pain. But when you care , when it still bothers..you have to tell. If I stop..that's even more dangerous. It will mean you've lost that place. I've lost that struggle to hold you onto that place.


* Currently , happiness is dancing!
Your believing or not believing in karma has no effect on its existence, nor on its consequences to you. Just as a refusal to believe in the ocean would not prevent you from drowning.
F. PAUL WILSON, The Tomb

Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/k/karma_quotes.html#6IOEXy3Jc2A7OoM3.99

Monday, November 18, 2013

Ramleela

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This movie is so complicated ..at a point it felt like a stupid TV serial. Overdose of drama and too much of revenge which was going haywire. When something happened , the rivals made sure they did the same and then ? You are left thinking what the hell just happened ? And what the hell is happening now? :/
Nobody cares to clarify things.

If Sanjay Leela Bhansali was trying a Romeo and Juliet , I question him - where was the romance dude  ? A love-lust-bullets story with non happy ending doesn't make it an eternal love story. He hardly gave any scope for the romance to bloom.



Deepika is very impressive. Her playful eyes , her clothings , her dance ..she's the blood of the movie. Ranveer was a natural too but for the first half of it with all the sleazy dialogues and the body language of a mawali , he isn't much likeable.

The dialogues are hardly catching. Infact very stupid at times. The songs in the movie which played every 10 mins - were hard to differentiate. :/

The sets are ofcourse too colorful. After Sawariya where the director stuck to blue and black , Ramleela is full of Red.

Ranveer and Deepika are so hot and so desperate throughout the movie ( I'm 100% they must have made out for real - they were so horny :P ) - wish the director stuck to their romance or lust itself because otherwise the movie was hardly making sense. Also ,  together they simply sizzled on-screen !

Rating : 2.5/5



Monday, November 11, 2013

I failed you.

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My music sir passed away a month back. I got to know about it last evening. It is extremely sad and painful to hear about his demise. I hadn't met him for around 2 years. I avoided or procrastinated whenever he asked me to continue learning. I always thought..there's always time. The same thought wrenches my heart with so much regret today.

Whats more hurtful is that I tried to contact him only 2-3 months back. In all the mess and negativity , I had found some peace and happiness with music. It was refreshing to tickle the ivories with my old notes. Almost nostalgic. And thats when I missed my teacher the most. I was just feeling restless and desperate to learn as much as I could and compensate for all these wasted years.

His phone was switched off. There was no other way I could contact him. I don't know why but I seemed to call him persistently for a couple of days. Later on I convinced myself he'll definitely turn up after Diwali.

And he isn't there anymore. I just can't believe he's gone. Like I could have done something had I been able to talk to him or meet him. I feel so helpless , so pathetic and regret not taking more efforts to  contact him just anyhow ..maybe through some old sources and students.

 But most of all..there is this burdening feeling of failing him as a student. He wasn't asking for much..was he? Only encouraging me every time to pursue music. When I made it clear that I wasn't interested in giving exams..which he really wanted me to - he coaxed me into singing. And I was all in for classical music. I wasn't getting trained particularly..but every now and then he would give me gazals and songs to sing while playing the harmonium. I enjoyed it a lot. Even today I sing and play those same tunes for some soulful connection I have found in them. And many more which I could have learned...

I failed him as a human being too. I hate to recall but the truth is at some point I disrespected him. I disrespected his sheer expertise and talent. I took him for granted.

It is difficult to find a teacher like him again. Someone so knowledgeable who would come home and teach. Someone who wouldn't be reluctant to adjust to his student's demands!
 He may have been poor. But he was so rich with his music.

I wish he had come home just once if he needed more money. To let us know he wasn't doing well. Somebody from his family could have told us..just one time! And we'd have done anything to save him.

I'm so apologetic but 'sorry' can far from justify the mistakes I've made. I wish wherever you are.. you forgive my nonchalance.
I wish I could have made you more proud of me.

I'm dreading to open my books and play the music YOU taught for I will sob inconsolably.

Its a huge loss to our family :(
May your soul rest in peace!

Learning music will never be the same for me...without you.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Scent & city.

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Have you felt the scent of a new place ? Its as if every city carries its own fragrance.
 And with every one step more into it , every one second more that you spend with it...it starts becoming of you.
Travel in the locals. Unknown roads. Use the maps.
Feel the air. Feel the rush. Feel the scent.
And sooner you begin to feel you own the place.
You fall in love with an absolutely unknown place.

Have you ever got attached to an unknown person ? To someone you haven't even spoken to.
Occasional eye contacts and a smile. Something about that person makes you wanna talk to them.
It may not be significant but somehow you develop a silent camaraderie.
And maybe its not the person. Its the situation. Of missing the chance to speak at least once and of never having another chance.
Eventually you tend to carry warm memories of absolute strangers in unknown territories you will never meet again.



Saturday, August 3, 2013

How to get rejected.

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My parents are giving me a killer time even as they only utter the 'S' word. ( Shaadi!)
I was pretty much casual about it all these days but now that they have gone 'official' - what with the bio-data crap and my relatives constantly poking me with that annoying word over and again..I'm having sleepless nights!

Not only am I totally against arranged marraiges but the unfortunate part is I haven't found anyone either. Had I been able to find someone - in all probabality I would have NOT approached my parents with my found proposal because I'm a coward and because in all probability they would have rejected :P
'Love' is a word we madus don't understand. Its equivalent to committing a crime in our community.

So my idle mind has been doing the devilish workshop and here's a list of killer twists I imagine to throw off at the guy to ensure I remain single for as long as I want to be.
And for what I've observed little statements have a huge impact.

- "I don't want kids." ( which is really true. :p but I'm guessing he wouldn't buy that!)
- Modification : "I cannot conceive. "( :p )
- "Movies every weekend. Dining out every weekend. 3 abroad trips an year" :P 
- "I want to work out of family business." ( Business family not liketh that!)
- "I want to date for at least 6 months even before engagement." A live-in demo won't be bad :p
- "I talk in my sleep. And my mood swings are pretty occassional. I'm VERY short tempered."
- "Traditional wear doesn't suit me."
- "I can cook. But I can't do it for the rest of my life."
"Mai apne baap ki bhi nahi sunti" ( true story. This dialogue acted as  a catalyst for a girl to get rejected by my cousin :P)
- One more that I thought of - to dress not so well. But I wouldn't do that because I like to be presentable no matter what :p

lol..I wonder if I have the guts and how many of them am I capable of practically using.
I'm definitely gonna put across the cooking and clothing part.

My parents would be quite miffed if I attempt any other approach :P They still treat me like a teen! I might as well get 'punished' for offending their choice. :|

------------------

This whole arrange marriage process is sooooooo irritating.
I mean seriously..who can be excited for it?! :\
I've been crying just by the thought of marraige to a complete stranger.

But my devilish mind also runs the idea of doing something crazy & saying yes out of that :p


God save me!




Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Walk the talk.

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Something , and infact I'd say a lot has metamorphosed in me in the past few days.
 I feel responsible with a guilt riding over my head making me cringe.
But the difference is that I want to take and act on that responsiblity.

Now that this sapience has conceded , am desperate to makeup for the loss of the past years of what I would name as the prolonged teenage f**khead 'me' phase!

Its as if I'm only a couple of mins late on the platform when the train I had to board on - has already departed.
I will have to run. Sweat a little. And then I'll catch it. I'll do.

But its scary to think what if am unable to catchup ?
 It makes me groan out aloud. The thought makes me weep inside , for all we know - I'd take the blame over me.

Its time to take charge of everything. Its time to get onto this track. I have to and I want to make things allright. I want to take care of my family.
They are all that matters right now.

Yes , it was about me. Everything has always been about ME. Whether or not I was happy? Whether or not I was fulfilling my dreams ?  Whether I was not getting what I wanted ? Me. Me. Me!
But I forgot there was so much more to me , of me & about me.

My thoughts. I am working on my thoughts.
I'm putting efforts to heal my body mentally , spiritually and emotionally. It will take weeks , months... but I'm determined not to let anything make me slip from here.

Health has been on my list for quite a long time. The problem with me is that all my pursuance fails at a point. So I HAVE to be persistent. I can't afford any other option this time.
 I'm pursuing fitness. Giving myself Ayurvedic tonics and doing yoga and cardio.
I am expecting and aiming for a radical change in myself by November. This Diwali I'm gonna give  this wonderful gift 'fitness' which I have denied myself intermittently.

It feels good when you try to take things in your stride. When you are at least being honest to yourself. I've already wasted so much time and I'm not allowing that to undermine my enthusiasm.

Nike's mantra is for everyone - Just do it!

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Hong Kong. Macau!

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This is month old post lying in drafts. :| Totally unfair for it to be there. All I had to was edit , add and hit publish.

Pre-trip , I would have ideally exaggerated ( atleast NOW I will use this word ) about how this trip could be something I would trade anything in the world for.
And then when it happened..when it really did..despite all of my nightmares - it doesn't feel complete.  Like you know that feeling of euphoria or post-travel post-good-times zeal. That's missing.Its just not there.
Ok there were some fights involved. Arguments. But eventually we had fun. We enjoyed. And I was with the best people of my life. And yet..it was incomplete..?

I guess this is a different kind of travel hangover. :|  If I would be saying this to my friends  , they'd probably say " Han han Different toh rahega hi..tu apne desh se jo wapas aayi hai " :D

Confused ? Well.. In all the planning and packing , I forgot to scribble a post about all these Chini jokes made on me before we took off to Hong Kong.
China is considered to be my motherland by one and all.
My friends asked me to make sure that I find my real parents :D Because my Indian parents are so Indian and am soooo Chinese :D
I always disagree about looking Chinese which people claim only due to the fact that  I have small eyes ( how unfair! ) But I certainly have doubts about the possibility of being adopted for some family genes are just not running into me! :P
Some others jokes went about ..
" Tu apne purvajo k desh ja rahi hai "
" Don't get lost ok. Your parents will probabaly bring someone else back thinking its you!!"
" Click pictures with Chinese people. Then we'll play find 6 differences" 
lol this one's  a personal favorite :D


Post-trip post. The travelogue :

Macau

If you ever plan to go to Macau. You HAVE to stay at the Venetian Macau Hotel. Its so huge and beautiful comprising of the hotel , a mall and ofcouse-  the biggest casino! All suite rooms with king size beds and huge bathrooms fully adorned with mirrors.


Magnificent Hotel Lobby!

The hotel is so huge ..it actually took us two days to learn to move about it.
The casino was awesome. We lost everything we put in :D :| except dad who won 36 times on roulette ;)
The entire Venice theme is  alluring. ( This is the shopping zone ! )


The hotel has an Indian restaurant named Golden Peacock which serves Indian VEG food at affordable price. So thankfully we didn't face much issue with food. Moreover if you stay at the hotel - you get vouchers which you can redeem & make use of at the restaurant , buy goodies and some listed stuff , go for the Gondola ride which otherwise costs more than 100 Hk $ per person. :\
Mac D is a waste for veggies. It smells awful :| Plus its expensive.

The Italian Gondola Ride.
Our Gondolier was Lia from Italy who  impressed us with her Hindi speaking skills. Greeting us with Namaste and calling us all 'sundari' :D .She knocked us off when she sang 'Chin ta ta' while also doing its signature step ! In return we sang Senorita for her :D Lia made the Gondola ride a lot more fun and there is no doubt about the fact that Indians are loud - so yeah we got a lot of audience :D


Macau Tower.
A view of Macau from the tower.
 You can experience one of the highest bungee jumps in the world from the Macau Tower. ( 233 meters!)  We watched 4 people bungee jump. It hardly takes few seconds for the fall and its quite thrilling to watch let alone do it. ( Of course I couldn't convince my parents enough :P ) 
It costs around 3000 HK $ ; approx 24000 INR. 

Macau is a small place and a 2 day stay is more than sufficient. 

Hong Kong :

It takes about 45 mins to reach HK from Macau after you board a ferry.
We stayed for 4 days. Hong Kong is like an extension of Mumbai with wider and clean roads. Old HK looks exactly like Mumbai except for the Chinese signs and billboard. 

Day 1 : We strolled around TST ( Tsim Tsa Tsui )  which is in Kowloon ( old HK). If you wanna book a hotel , this is the ideal place to lodge at. The subway is close. And the entire shopping area in in TST. It has a lot of major brands. 
There are a couple of Indian restaurants as well. 
Note : Finding vegetarian food in HK is a tough task. There are top end Indian restaurants which are of-course expensive. The Woodland Hotel at TST is a very good option.

Ocean Park

Day 2 : Ocean Park!  I found this one hyped. I mean , yes it must have been pretty famous 2 decades back. Dolphin show must be quite a thing that time.But essentially its a place for kids to enjoy seeing penguins , polar bears and sea lion. Thankfully some of the adventure rides came as a respite for us adults. The weather sucked. It was blazing hot!! 
The light show at night was a beautiful thing to watch.
 
Day 3  : We took a day off which was a very wise decision as the entire day at ocean park combined with the scorching sun had us totally drained out. 
We went to Mong Kow which is close to TST and famous for shopping. I couldn't get what the entire hyper around it is for! We did bargain but eventually  had to pay a high price for clothes and bags. So no! HK isn't a shopping destination ( with ref to bragain-shopping) unless you want to splurge on expensive branded stuff.

Took the metro ride to Central HK. All the stunning corporate buildings welcome you to the main HK. We were too late to catch the tram ride , hence missed going to Victoria Peak! :(
The Times Square and Stanley Street are in main HK ( for extravagent shopping :D )




Day 4  : Disneyland! 
I would rate out visiting Disneyland as the 10/10 sole reason to visit HK :P Who on earth wouldn't enjoy this beguiling place! Every damn thing about this place shouts richness. The park has been so nicely designed , you feel like you've entered an  entirely different world! Each and every ride & restaurant is chockablock with fairytale elements. 
The cartoon characters take you back to your childhood. How we miss Misckey , Uncle Scrooge , Aladdin & Mermaid !
The Lion King Show ( Live by theater artists) is spectacular. 
And the best ride was Mystic Manor. Its just superb!



  
Disneyland bewitches you at night - specially with the fire-show. 






I made this trip with my family AND my two most loving sisters.So this was the first trip of its kind. I had nightmares about its success since two such planned trips previously never happened!
And even as Prats gave a goodbye speech when we departed for India about how our fights didn't matter and lets just enjoy this moment because its the first and could be the last trip together..
I whined silentely.. Why last? Why the hell it should be the last ?! Just because I was stupid and annoying ? How could you do this to me? Why last?!!
To say she read my mind and replied - "who knows what happens in the coming days and where life takes us all."
Damn. That pinches!
She made me feel so guilty about being such a jackass. 
I wanted her to scream at me. 
To scold me for being immature and whatever the hell I was being :/

But the time's gone.
And all am left with are memories..  A LOT of them..about this amazing vacation to cherish about.

Things I'd never like to forget. Things that bring instant happiness to me :)

Those Chinese conversations. 
Public embarrassment missions.
Emptying our pockets out at casino!
 Photograph-obsession.
 The day wen we missed to go to Victoria Peak & all the jokes about the same :D 
Disneyland !! 

We've resolved to go back to Macau to jump off the Tower :D

* All pictures posted here have been clicked by me :P There is some jinx attached with me and cameras. My (new) camera started acting weird.Add to it - I lost the charger!! So had to save the battery for disneyland .Sadly it was so hot even on the day we visited disneyland - that none of us had much energy or enthusiasm to click ! Talk about obsessing for clicking pictures :P

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Evolve.

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Its funny how things evolve. I won't say 'change' because thoughts and things and people just 'evolve' over time. They're very much the same at core. And anything that you share with them will probably remain the same too despite all tsunami the relation might have gone through.
Its just time and situations that really change.

And this evolution is ridiculous in itself.
Because all of your notions and resistance , all of your theories , judgements and so-called experiences  fail.
You come to peace with what you have to deal with ..only after you've adapted the evolution.

Lesson for  this quarter ?

Distance is very healthy. It makes you wiser.
It gives you space - to breathe , to settle , to be you.

Sometimes it makes things better. Like it brings back lost friendship.

And sometimes it helps in putting an end with few without making much effort or in other words without hurting yourself in the process.



Friday, May 24, 2013

Fast & Furious 6

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Fast & furious 6 is as good as watching any other of the FnF movies. 
When you see Dominic Toretto ( Van Diesel ) & roaring cars on the screen.. its like deja vu. 
The magic is so infectious.

 If you think of the plotting & planning..Fast five  was way better , rather smarter.
However , the opposition's snazzy car-power makes the action a lot more fun balancing for the lack of novelty in the plot.
.The switching of a character and typical hostage situation is predictable. But at least that comes as a respite just when you're bewildered how easily they managed to capture the villain.
Action was awesome. Loved the climax sequence entirely which this time not only involved cars but also an aeroplane!

Don't think this would count as a spoiler -  Letty is back! She was never dead!
Only you would see her working on the other side.

And even when FnF 6 finishes off..they leave you with something more to look forward to. A teaser for the next one to come!

Dont miss it.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Is it the weather dammit ?

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There's so much to say , to yell , to vent out. And yet I won't speak a word.
I'm finding no listeners. I've been muted.

I'll draw a story I believe in the most in my head. And I will keep working around it.
 I won't let others fill in their colors as they wish. I'll only allow colors to be filled in partially to justify my colors.

I'll sob like a kid for nothing which is actually a cocktail of everything.
I'll laugh on nothing , which really is nothing. I'll make it look like its everything!

I'll type words I can make of on this qwerty. And it will not change any minds. Or break any ice. But I'll still write in no hope to be read anytime.

I'll not look in the eye and talk now onwards. It will make me unwillingly smile . And I can't let that smile takeover & turn it all futile.

Its all over - I'm dead serious. I will say a hundred times. And yet turn the pages back in a while.
I've closed the book now. And nobody heard me saying "I'm dead serious - this is over at last. Dont want to hold on anymore."



Saturday, May 4, 2013

Never a failure. Always a lesson.

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 You can't share your best friend. 
Its like keeping half your heart with someone else.

At one point of time , treating two people special 
WILL create a mess.

Rationalizing feelings is futile.
Rationalizing events is necessary.


Moving away is better , wiser both for heart and head.
It becomes easier to squeeze the blame game.

Forgiving and forgetting is relative.
As long as it justifies everything.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Shayari # 4

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Yun toh rishte bigad jaate hai kuch pal mein.
Magar chahat nahi badalti.
Aakhir be intehaan mohabbat ki ho jisse...
Usse nafrat kaise ho jaye.

Yun toh dur chale jaate hai bina kuch samjhaye
Magar intezaar ki ghadi nahi rukti.
Aakhir wo alvida hi kaisa..
Jo zikra karke bayan kiya jaye!

~ Nams


( 100% original :P )

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Farewell to trusting.

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Pure co-incidence. I picked a chit during the miss farewell thing..and I was supposed to answer - You should not trust a guy because...?

The first reaction was a big bright smile on my face accompanied with loud cheers from friends. It is irrelevant how much they know what has been going around with me ; the fact is who could answer this better than me ? :P

Don't trust a guy because..

What he says , what he thinks and what he does are three very different things.
80% of the times they are lying. Or making stories. Same thing.
Therefore , don't believe every word he says. Its not worth it.
Infact its not just about guys..generally speaking ,  never put all your faith onto someone. Don't make them so important that they influence your state of being. You never know how situations change and your trust is broken unintentionally.

--- When I lost my faith and trust over my so-called best friend - I felt crippled & was nervous for quite some time. I was so empty I could not feel anything.It was like my heart just shut one more time. I never cried for all the bullshit though.

And then being the usual me ... I gave a dramatic speech to lighten my mood. I said to my friend : I am heartless. She denied. I explained : I only have this organ which is pumping blood into my veins. ( :D ) But it cannot be called 'heart'. My heart is so dead. Because I cannot feel a damned thing.

I may have wronged myself. Conned myself to trust him again. But its only human!
Why the hell am I so forgiving ?

So while our farewell party sucked..and I allowed my friend the privilege to speak to me again :P , a little too late I realized it is not worth it. We tend to believe what we like to hear. Its not really the truth though.

So here's a goodbye to not the friendship that has been sacked , but to the trust that will never be given back.

You lost that place. I still don't know whats in your mind. I don't understand much. But what I can see isn't something I can't deny. Actions speak louder than words..right?

No point to hold on.We're done.
Its not gonna be easy. Even when it is more of a rational than emotional decision.

* College finishes off this week. Not gonna cry about this either. Will miss the routine.
Albeit change is more than welcome :D

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Shayari!

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Bit by the shayri bug. Always had a soft corner for shayris. They are so short , crisp and yet so   touching. Such little words.. with so much meaning. I love to collect them. Infact , influenced by some of my batch mates. We have a lot of shayars :P Not your typical jilted lovers but people earthing something beautiful in carefully crafted lines.

Expressing through shayris just got the better off me.

A couple of them I wrote , shared and laughed over. There ofcourse is  some inspiration , some incidence and certainly something is in the air because everybody seems to be lost in their own sorrows/worries... but eventually the  background story is subtly grounded ;)
Waise bhi samjhdar ko ishara hi kaafi hai :P

#1
Aaj is gum ka bhi jashn mana lenge.
Pigalte dil ko pathhar bana denge.
Mud kar dekhoge hume agar phir tum
Apni muskurahat se dil tumhara jala denge.

:D

#2
Duaon se sab hasil ho jata
toh sab kuch hum bhi maang liye hote.
Karni hi ho dua toh itna dum ho karmo mein ,
ki bahano ko mauka na mile.

#3
Khud ko ghuma dene ka afsos nahi
Dur jaane ka ab koi gum nahi
Chahe kitne bhi kheech le teri bahein mujhe apni or..
Itne kareeb ab hai hi nahi ki tum rok sako.


*Song on loop : dil ki toh lag gayi ( nautanki saala )

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Tick tock tick.

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After spending so much time and energy over discussions which had no conclusions , which only ended up with " What can we be done ? Lets not think much. Leave it" , everything boils down to the fact that we have barely 15 days left with us.What happens then ? Every discussion will expire. Everything will easily disappear. From routine. From mind. Only etched in memories , which should not be bitter.

 And here we are -  making so many efforts ... already wasted 150 days trying to find a perfect believable win-win solution. And yet standing back at the same crossroad.

But hey , it will all expire in 15 days. Freaking 15 days!!

Even with that little time in hand..  I wanted to know and understand how right I was about whatever I thought. How badly were I being wronged ?  Whether I should get all honest answers or should I not bother and let it go ? Do I give too much ? Am I being manipulated ? Is someone as genuine as much they convince me every single time ? Or am I simply the fool ? Is it good to be sentimental ? Is it Ok to trust someone else's sentiments while they are with you ? Are they being different otherwise ? Why is 'I don't know' an answer ? Should I even accept it ? Why do I still bother ? Why can't I be as indifferent as I sought out to be ? Why does it still feel bad ?  Why can it not reach an equilibrium ?

Tough. Annoying. An outrageous complicated puzzle.If I create a tree diagram of these thoughts , there will be only one problem - they will lead to an empty space...eventually the last box will have nothing inside. It will route me back to wherever  I started from.

So all I could garner from all the confusion and my splitting views is that - Stick to emotions.But do not get fooled by them.Stick to what you feel. But do not form feelings on what you hear. Stand for your beliefs. And your self formed discipline. But do not compromise with something you will feel bad about. It cannot be worth it.
And ofcourse.. draw the line. Its better off to not exploit a good moment than creating a one with no meaning.

The clock is ticking. I want my mind , brain , heart to just chill and not react at all! All I want from this heavily beating tick tock time bomb is to give me memories  worth cherishing for a long long time. Instead of bitterness & sweet-n-sour ambivalence.

Lets make it count.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Ok. This time - walk a mile in my 'high heels'

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Normalization is difficult , no doubt.
Specially since  along with it..there will be changed behaviours and attitude.

Ofcourse ,  I hate the idea of losing the friendship. It was amazing.

I cannot be indifferent regarding the whole thing. And am not talking about that one episode. Am talking about the aggregate of what has been going since a long time.
The cumulative effect is massive.

So , yes..maybe it does not actually hurt. But it  certainly feels bad.

 When I've chosen to let go. It implies =>
You loose me = I loose you!

It not one sided! The loss is on BOTH of us.

You say feelings do not change overnight. Thats true.
But behavior does. And somewhere tagging along the same..feelings will change too.
They have to. I see no other option.

I haven't made a stubborn decision. I already know the best possible reaction.
And am gonna follow it.
I should trust my guts now.. because I've been right about almost everything EXCEPT that one thing that is making me look like a complete fool here. Not that 'you' fooled me. Only ,  I fooled myself!

Yes,  I'll ignore.

And yet , we all know..it can never be like before.



I do not judge this mess on right or wrong parameters.

For me - It was unfair.

It was fucking unfair.

I give too much. Selfishly speaking.. I never got back much - plus as for now - whatever I did get in return , to me , it ceases to be bonafide.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Walk a mile in my shoes.

0 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
Listen.

I understand its possible to like two people at the same time , where those two like you back too.
And we are only talking about liking. You aren't even the villain. You're the hero.
 But its not manageable to set your feet in two boats.
Confusing. Hell , yeah!
If I were in your place...I would have gone mad much before.
Your persistence and willingness to keep alive this triangle-like bonding is what led this , this far.
  However , its not manageable to  not be inclined towards atleast one of them ... and try so hard not to lose the other.

Because you know what..you've already lost the other one.
She has an emotional error. She knows you care.
She only can't believe it completely. She doesn't feel it.
And she wishes to be set free.

And let me tell you..its not hurting anyone.  For as far as I understand...I do not understand this concoction of friendships , love , feelings , care since it is only getting discursive with every passing day.
Plus what can hurt..when nobody is doing wrong ? 

Maybe we should just let it go. And thats what I beg - Let it go..!
  
No justifications. No explanations. No obligation.No apologizing.

All you may know..When something doesn't feel right..it just doesn't feel right. 
She hasn't stopped caring. She isn't cutting off. 
She's only untying a knot that shouldn't be there anymore.

And most of all...she's letting YOU free!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Road back home.

3 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
I now fully and responsibly accept being a part of one of the world's most famous stereotype - women can't drive!!

Not that I cannot drive at all...but there is no doubt that we girls lack some basic sense when it comes to judgement while driving , parking or even reversing the car.

I made my car fell into a roadside pit / sinkhole while on reverse. I was sooo confident about taking the reverse , that I hurriedly accelerated.
And boom! before I could gather all the shouting - we were dangling at 75 degree with only the front left wheel on the border of the road. The car was tilted. And had I been 2 secs late in stopping the car...the back right wheel would have been in a puddle of mud -- Quick sand !!

I was so panicked ..my friends fought hard not to laugh. They did not even dare to click pictures while I was helplessly fidgeting. ( about which they sldn't have bothered and just clicked !:P )
I would have blacked out if we wouldn't have been able to take my car out. Specially since we were a little  away from the city in a village to do an assignment on rural marketing! Ofcourse the parents weren't aware. :D  THAT in itself made me  a complete nervous wreck. I was telling myself I would allow minor injuries to my car..but the possibility of not being able to take it back home .. was making my head spin around.
 I wasn't doing anything other than randomly asking the villagers if the car could be pulled out :O

The kids got quite an entertainment for the day! 12-15 of them gathered around , laughed , asked our names..wanted to know wouldn't our parents scold us :D Lol

I was trying to be calm. It wasn't working. The friends made their best effort in pushing the car but to no good. There wasn't even a tractor available  for us to tow!!

In an hour..we managed to gather 7-8 people to help us out. At that point - the car ignition wasn't working! Or so I thought. I panicked so much that instead of asking my friend to put the foot on the clutch for ignition , I kept on yelling - accelerate!! :D

And finally with added efforts...it was the BULLOCK CART that towed my car out :D

I'd like to believe my prayers had a role too. I was praying badly.

Toofani experience. It somehow doesn't feel like a big deal when its all over and cool. But at that point - it was killing me. I was hating myself for driving so terribly!

I've always felt that the road back home is shorter. But this was my longest drive back to home , ever.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Unfriending.

2 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
I'm too blunt and open.
I display my emotions rather easily even if I avoid it to my best.
Specially if am upset or irritated.

But I hardly speak up. I hardly express the 'why' part. I hardly share.

Maybe that sends me into the depress zone for too long ... yet I find it much comfortable than having to TELL people where they have been at fault.
You never explain friends , do you ?
Plus the last thing you want is an explanation in return !

Its not that I keep too much expectation..but a little gesture can change things. Can change feelings.

And I believe...saying that you care is NEVER enough.
If you do , show it!

They call it -  giving space.

 I call it - taking for granted.

No, I call it  - YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL !

And despite this rant..I'd never go and complaint.

...Burning all my mute ire over calories.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Vintage.And mad thoughts.

2 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
Too much has been going on in and around me. So many things in my head...the mashup made me not want to express any of it , at all.
But I certainly made some theories. At least so I could scribble them down!

Apart from that..the excitement quotient has been quite down.
Like doing absolutely NOTHING special for a VERY dear friend.
Or not really catching up to the vibrant energy at Hard Kaur's concert.
( She's rocking btw! )

I enjoyed the 'vintage' part of the month though.
Visited my aunt's ancestral home which is about 150-200 yr old. Needless to say...its beautiful.
Thick walls keeping the home so cool , wooden furniture , small windows with colorful glass , some portions of the house which I could describe as 'window-walls' , the 'tijori'.
 Every room on the first floor lead to the ground floor by separate staircase! And outside every room was a terrace!
Even though the house was built such a long time back..the architecture and design of the home is amazing. There were rooms inside rooms. Thin long corridors making it up for a perfect 'bhul bhulaiyaa'

The peace which one feels by being at such places is inexpressible. The house smells like  heaven.
And they've had quite a history. 50 goons had attacked few decades back and stolen a lot of jewellery and cash. Plus killed one of their grandfather.
There were swords hanging in the hall.Kinda gave an eerie feeling.

Moving onto some of my thoughts...

- You get mad because you're possessive.
And then you get much more possessive because you realize you are getting mad about this new found possessiveness.
..which makes you madder :P

- If you ask me did I forgive  ?
Well I would only say - unless someone feels sorry .. you do not even have the option to forgive!
Its easier to chuck it and not burn over it. Because maybe you keep fighting against forgiving and forgetting...but the person in question might have already scrapped you.

- Its good to be quiet. But the constant urge to tell someone something or let them know how you feel and yet knowing they would never 'get' it ...makes things difficult.
Some things cannot be explained. Some things do not deserve an explanation. They are only to be understood by oneself!

- There are times when you don't know what is right and wrong. You don't know which sides to take. But you ought to choose. Its a cocktail. Best thing then is to let things be and not try too hard to change any of it. Or derive too much from it.

- Maybe you loose friends to make space for new ones.

Thats all for now.
 Friends complaint  I 'think' more and do less.
I guess I should not say everything I think.

But even then...I finally sang in public. Ok not really public. Half of the batch was not even present.
But I did sing.

....To a romantic hindi song!
 Damn.

( I was criticized for  singing a hindi song. I usually sing English songs at college to a restricted audience. Sometimes even during classes :p )

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

23.

2 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
This post here , deserved to be on my page out of obligation. Coz there's one with descending numbers through the Feb of previous years.

I've turned 23!
And no..I do not choose to convey this more excitedly by express communication of fireworks or applause - in the form of 5-6 extra exclamation marks. Or even putting it across in stars.
I refrain from exaggerating like a hyper kid.

Ironically friends had planned fireworks to celebrate for me.
It is so damned ironical.
Although that plan had to be dumped due to lack of time! So technically it never happened.

My first surprise was - A treasure Hunt! And where do you think they organized it ?
At a MALL! I was hopping from one shop to another for about an hour with 11 clues to crack. Every time I collected my clue from the cash counter of the specific shop , I was greeted with roses and wished teasingly. The friends had requested the cashiers to wish me in different names. :P
Fun it was.


One hour was a little too much though. My friends believed I had turned dumb on my bday. I wasn't GETTING the clues at all! :D  My excuse was that I was darn tired which was reasonable since I attended 2 weddings back-to-back and landed just on the bday eve :P

Second surprise. Well , lets just call it a shock. What do you do when one of your best friend proposes you ?? I suggest..always stay calm! Wise of me to not react. I mean ofcourse I was dumb founded. Totally frozen. I said nothing. Obviously there wasn't going to be a 'yes' from me. However managing a 'No' was getting difficult too.
But guess what ? It was a PRANK. ( thank God!)
A prank that really killed me.
Who does such things on bday dude ? Too much senti-awkward it got later.

A nervous dinner is what I had. Clock ticking too fast. And home calls. Even on bday . Grrrr !
Turning 23 felt rushed. It doesn't sink in. You have fun but you don't know how to enjoy.

Wedding posts shall remain pending.
I'm too cold. I'm too cold-hearted ; Arvy says sometimes it seems it doesn't even beat.:P
I say maybe.
Zombie ?
a Zombie who still gets hurts you know.
Zombies are supposed to be brainless too.

End of discussion :P

Sunday, January 20, 2013

140 km/hr

3 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
I love to drive my micra :D
Got a chance to drive on highway again. And this time I scampered at a speed of 140 km/hr.
That's the max speed I've been able to dart at.
And it was awesome :D

 An  instant plan made for a day trip. Instant with my circle would mean a plan made ATLEAST 12 hours before its commencement :P
I'd almost given up at a point. It was a bit annoying to coordinate with everyone. Calling , deciding , confirming , de-planning , almost cancelling ,  re-deciding , confirming , informing! :o
Eventually we all made it and am glad we did!

The place we landed at isn't too amazing. A lake and temple is all we had. A lake where having fun was restricted to paddle boating :P 
But with a bunch of crazy friends , every place is fun.

Last sem. The very last sem. 
 Hopefully I'd have better things and such trips to write about than the crap I've put up in last one year.

------

There are always some issues in family. I think the person I take for granted the most is my mom. If she wants to vent .. if she wants to share... if she's mad and hurt...she would talk about it to me. Not the kind of talk where I console or offer any advice. The talk where I listen. The talk where she is HEARD.

Often I'm too busy in my phone , tv , newspaper to not hear a word she says. She would complaint about it and I'd try recollecting whatever little my ears catch. That's hardly compensating. Soooo taking for granted.

I've never had a very friendly relation with my mother , nor did I attempt at having one. It was long clear to me we wouldn't have that sort of rapport. And I've been OK about it. But ignoring her is wrong. Ignoring her is a sin. Coz it doesn't matter how much we share or not , doesn't matter how much I might have upset her previously and how much she upset me... what remains is - she is my mother who cares for me like no one other.
Strangely , sometimes my close friends share a better communication with her.
 It makes me feel so guilty.

Realizations though are good. Better late than never.

-----

I keep saying I'm or precisely - have grown heartless. Aky says its not possible. I pondered about it and yes maybe am not. Because I haven't been rendered emotionless.
So I figured there's a part of me , a part of my heart which was capable of feeling strongly has gone in limbo.

That explains everything else.

Why am not that over excited kid. Why I don't get a rush. Why am smiling but people sense something else and so on.

Although the best effect of this semi-dead heart is that I don't think much.  I don't form opinions , the philosophical dos and donts of life and I take everything , the good or bad - equally well.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

I don't say bye.

2 Cuppa coffeee [comments ]
You know I hate that part. The goodbyes. It really kills me.
Whether its me leaving the people I've spend time with which always seems like a dream.. or it is these people leaving me all alone at home after a week full of fun.

I didn't enter my room last night. I was dreading I'll end up crying. And when I cry.. I cry like a baby.  Yeah it feels bad..but aren't we too old to cry for such things ?

I handled it well though. Its a feeling. It'll pass.
My heart isn't heavy and sobbing.
 Its like am sedated.

I would have patted myself for being a little emotionally stronger . Its a good thing. It is something thats coming to me after a long long time. *smugs*

Last year ? Flew by , as usual.
Friends and fights. New friends. Wedding. Cousins.
Family politics and crap.
Usual except for the feud.

New year resolution : Just one.
Work out . Work out. Work out.
 Thrice more than before. Specially because I didn't stick to it for most of the year.