Monday, November 11, 2013

I failed you.

My music sir passed away a month back. I got to know about it last evening. It is extremely sad and painful to hear about his demise. I hadn't met him for around 2 years. I avoided or procrastinated whenever he asked me to continue learning. I always thought..there's always time. The same thought wrenches my heart with so much regret today.

Whats more hurtful is that I tried to contact him only 2-3 months back. In all the mess and negativity , I had found some peace and happiness with music. It was refreshing to tickle the ivories with my old notes. Almost nostalgic. And thats when I missed my teacher the most. I was just feeling restless and desperate to learn as much as I could and compensate for all these wasted years.

His phone was switched off. There was no other way I could contact him. I don't know why but I seemed to call him persistently for a couple of days. Later on I convinced myself he'll definitely turn up after Diwali.

And he isn't there anymore. I just can't believe he's gone. Like I could have done something had I been able to talk to him or meet him. I feel so helpless , so pathetic and regret not taking more efforts to  contact him just anyhow ..maybe through some old sources and students.

 But most of all..there is this burdening feeling of failing him as a student. He wasn't asking for much..was he? Only encouraging me every time to pursue music. When I made it clear that I wasn't interested in giving exams..which he really wanted me to - he coaxed me into singing. And I was all in for classical music. I wasn't getting trained particularly..but every now and then he would give me gazals and songs to sing while playing the harmonium. I enjoyed it a lot. Even today I sing and play those same tunes for some soulful connection I have found in them. And many more which I could have learned...

I failed him as a human being too. I hate to recall but the truth is at some point I disrespected him. I disrespected his sheer expertise and talent. I took him for granted.

It is difficult to find a teacher like him again. Someone so knowledgeable who would come home and teach. Someone who wouldn't be reluctant to adjust to his student's demands!
 He may have been poor. But he was so rich with his music.

I wish he had come home just once if he needed more money. To let us know he wasn't doing well. Somebody from his family could have told us..just one time! And we'd have done anything to save him.

I'm so apologetic but 'sorry' can far from justify the mistakes I've made. I wish wherever you are.. you forgive my nonchalance.
I wish I could have made you more proud of me.

I'm dreading to open my books and play the music YOU taught for I will sob inconsolably.

Its a huge loss to our family :(
May your soul rest in peace!

Learning music will never be the same for me...without you.

1 comment:

  1. May his Soul rest in peace...At least make him proud by taking it up now at least what he wished for.

    Its a strange way of life which makes us realize certain things the tough way (or rather in a sad way)!

    First time on to your blog. It was a visit by chance and some how the flow of words directly from heart made me to stay here for some more time and this post in particular made me think whether its written by me or some other person !!!
    Keep pouring your thoughts and keep showing the beauty of your heart in a creative way :)


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