Sizzling & sliced

Sizzling - I had a great time!
Sliced - Few dark feelings ..terrible I must say

Went to a cousin's wedding which was at Lonawala.
For starters , half the people couldn't recognize me.I met most of them after a span of almost 2 years.They were like "Ohh you are.....". At first I thought maybe I'm looking better than ever before.Few hours later I realized I'm looking awful than any any anytime before!! >> My granddad couldn't recognize me! And yes , got some mixed responses regarding my weight.
Anki - " You are looking thinner" ( Whom I'd met just few months back )
Bubble - "Omg!!! Your cheeks !!" I know I know I know..my chubby cheeks !
Xyz relative -" I was wondering who you are...whats the secret behind putting on ?" SECRET? Did you just say secret ?!!?
Anki's bro - " Haven't you put on a little?" Everyone started laughing coz by now almost everyone had commented. So he said ," Oh right , maybe I shouldn't have said 'little'." Everyone laughed again.
Grrrrrr. I wanted to go somewhere.No! I wanted to just go running over the treadmill! Or in an easy way , to be just able to pluck the plump out of my face!

Ok now what's with everyone ??! I'm not fat! My cheeks are not just chubby , they often swell which is I suppose a problem related with blood circulation etc etc..& grrrrrrr I was so mad with myself.*
THEN as if this wasn't enough , for spoilers I just realized I'm nowhere close to good at dancing.Or if not that , at least nowhere close to my counterparts*.I mean my cousins are amazing dancers !!
And they all were looking great as well! I was awestruck with the kind of dresses each one of them had donned.Not that I was feeling ill about it , but just just ..just..a little jealous* ..yeah ..Nooo..it was something like ..someone's beating you blue & yet you cannot scream.You cannot hide.You cannot run.The most eligible antidote for it is shopping - super shopping - which at the moment
You
CANNOT
do!
To be a lemon among strawberries is some goddamn task , trust me.
*Three nails by now in the coffin of my passionate-feelings.
[ Looks & body , dance , clothes! ]

Moving over to the sizzling part , the wedding was simple superb! My cousins said they weren't enjoying as much as they did in the 2 weddings prior to this one , which I had missed , but for me this was fun.Probably because I met everyone after a long time & also because it had been years I attended a full blown marwari wedding.And I knew what I fool I was to skip the other 2 weddings.

For the dance , they all kept forcing me to perform , encouraging me & praising me while practicing , but in the end I didn't turn up.I wasn't feeling like dancing solo because my dance wasn't choreographed well.And yes , I'm a sucker for praises & compliments in things I enjoy the most.Not that it matters a lot, but it just matters to me when I'm among my peers.Dancing has always been one of my passions and there was no way I was settling for just a cold smile & few well-arranged-cheers.So I skipped it. Didn't regret at all.
And had a burning desire to reinvent the passion in me.Next time , I told myself.

The food was too good.Specially the lunch on second day which was from the bride's side.There were so many dishes & I thought even if I tasted every single thing , it'll be equivalent to eating the meal. I did not even think twice while taking over the sweet the second time just because it was so mouth-watering.I mean I forgot all the comments about my weight.Cannot compromise on good food ..NEVER.

The first night I was present with them , we took off from the resort at midnight to have hookah :P I know its crazy , but I was wanting to smoke like all my male cousins.But the place was closed down.So we returned & stayed awake till about 4 in morning - chatting , laughing , having fun.
The next day we headed for hookah again during afternoon.I just had 3 or 4 rounds of it.Since we had some time left , we went over for a drive ahead & stationed at a point.Beautiful scenery.
I'm not a good photographer , so no pics this time.

And then on the second & last night we all were together , Rach & I decided that we gonna make everyone stay awake till wee hours in morning & of course to have loads of fun.It was almost 1.30 am by the time all the ceremonies ended.And before we could catch the guys,they had gone to bed.But Rach & I knew how to force people to stay awake :P & so we did! Played cards , joked around , laughed , discussed love-marriages vs. arranged-marriages , careers etc etc.
Finally when there was nothing to talk about - I still wonder how could that be - everyone went to sleep.It was about 5.30 am.And I know how badly I wanted that time never to end.I woke up at 8 since I had to leave early.Again, my heart was pacing with the feeling of going away from everyone after having a wonderful time.
But then , all good things come to an end. Why do they have to anyway ?

What remains are the memories.I'm just too sentimental about these things.I shouldn't be because it hurts when I remember those moments.I did not realize how much am gonna miss them all but once I left them & was alone at home , I couldn't stop myself from crying.That doesn't happen with all of them.Its not a good thing to attach your heart to too many people.And of course , not to the one you are having little feelings for.......

In these two days , I liked someone.Not a crush or falling-in-love but just liked him.And the dark feelings kept crawling nearer to me because I knew I'm not going to get to meet him & to know him more.I had butterflies in my stomach & I hated myself for even imagining of asking him out..lol.How crazy could I be at times ? I told Anki about it.And she was like ' Oh good , nice guy ..should we initiate the talks?' lol ..I said no.I knew she was just kidding but I also knew she wouldn't ever understand what that feeling was & what it meant to me.

The time flew like crazy.I'm back & writing about it now ..checking out the pics twice a day.Feeling very lonely.
Can't wait to be with all of 'em again for the next wedding in April.And boy , how I wish he too comes there :P

Factor : Greed to Read

# The Kite Runner
Writing style : Excellent
Theme : Redemption, kids , Afghanistan, Kites
Plot : Interesting.
Sub plots : Quite thrilling , predictable at times too.
I could tell Hassan is Amir's step bro.
I could tell Rahim Khan sends Amir Afghanistan not just to bring Sohrabh back to Pak but to take him to America.
I could also somehow tell the man keeping Sohrabh is Asef, the villain.
So with those expectations in mind , I wasn't on tenterhooks & so didn't find the novel too thrilling.But I loved it for its theme , redemption most of all.It felt more like reading a classic than novel.The author is immensely expressive.

The movie based on the same novel is a huge disappointment.Firstly , they shelved most of the story.And thats fair enough because you cannot put everything into a 2 hour movie.The biggest loophole was the fact that the most dramatic & momentous moments weren't shot that well.Like the love-at-first-sight scene , the protagonist's encounter with the villain . At least that could have been much better !The kite flying scenes were good taking you up in the air along with kites & giving a bird eye view of Afghanistan's crazy kite fancy.The star cast was ditto of what I imagined while reading the novel , not fully but for the major characters except for the villain.He didn't look dangerous , there were no green eyes , no kind of grin on his face ..& yes the beard looked too fake ...wonder why he was chosen for that role anyway ?? I always vouch for villains , they are supposed to be larger-than-life figures doing their part better than the protagonist/hero.But this movie did not have that element tch tch !

# Windmills of the Gods
Sidney Sheldon
Writing Style : Its Sidney Sheldon , sir !
Theme : Suspense , Political
Plot : !?!!?! ....Let that be suspense !!
Sub plots : I could figure out one or two things much before the climax , rest is suspense baby !

I don't know if I liked it or not.Maybe I did.Not very much. But a little ? Yeah I did like it!
Probably only for Mike Slade.I like mysterious characters. :P

# Lee Iaccoca's Autobiography
Breath-taking! Wonder how he survived through all those times! I didn't quite understand every technical part , but for the most of it - it was amazing!
A must... for car lovers ,
to-be-businessmen /women
Mechanical engineers or any engineer for that matter,
& a definite must for everyone who talks of struggle & pressure with work. Some lesson to learn.

---
Its time to move onto reading other books .I had put brakes on reading novels because someone made me realize that its a waste of time , it however was too hard to digest & so I resumed reading 'em.
But I better continue reading books that really matter.
Got to finish off Awaken the Giant Within & The Secret. Am half way through both of them.
Tony Buzan's Mind Map book , Use your Memory.
Six Thinking Hats by Edward De Bono.

If tomorrow comes [ Sidney Sheldon ] is lying on my desk too.What do I do ? lol

Currently Reading : Tuesdays with Morrie

Mystically mystified : 2

So tell me , if I achieve something in life ..who should get the credits for it ? Just my 'good luck' or my 'hard work'?
What will you do if you get to know the answer ?
Oh please ?!
No seriously ? Look if I say its your Hard work that has been the ONLY reason for your success , it'll inflate your ego.
If I say its your good luck , you'll feel lucky.So..
Thats not an answer.
What are you going to achieve by knowing it ?
Thats not even the point.I want to know!!! Just like you say our lives have been already written.So suppose if I attain something by working my breadth out , am I not worthy of the credits ? Is it just luck we all have to push it upon ?
So you want to have all the things in life without working hard ?
No..but ..oh yeah , could I be that lucky ? :P
Luck plays an important part.It sets the foundation for your goals.It opens the doors for a lot of opportunities.BUT , if you do not wish to work hard ,you are not going to get anything in life.
But if its written...that I'm going to..then who could stop it anyway ?
Like I said..you want everything in life without working hard.But you must know , that is against the law of nature.
And what if even after working hard , I don't get what I want ?
Bad luck as some may call it...practically , I'd suggest just one thing - be prepared for the worst.No matter how confident you are.
And listen , everything happens for the good.Never complain.NEVER!
Practically,all right..only so that I do not break down.But just generally..what if l don't ?
See..like if I do achieve a lot , people are going to term it 'good luck'.Won't it feel miserable ?? that... after long hours of slogging , my hard work is just good luck ? And when I fail..mostly I'll be termed as being lazy , selfish etc etc.So if my failure is given technical terms , why not my success ??
You do not need any kind of certificates from anyone.Be self-certified! Thats the biggest achievement in life.
And btw , who's really talking of hard work ? Are you ?
- embarrassing yet I'm chuckling-
I am ..I am! Ok lets forget people.
Now just tell me universally , practically non-practically , just anyhow , in any damn case... WHAT is it ?
If you throw a stone in air...it flies till some distance & then drops.While it travels through the wind with a good speed , the stone believes it is superior & strong & therefore is proud & egoistic.Stone thinks it the is one & only one who through its own capability is able to fly through.The stone takes the credit.
The wind on the other hand claims it is the one who is strong & powerful & the one which is carrying the stone.The wind takes the credit.
Good luck & hard work is similar to it.You shouldn't be bothered about the credits.It doesn't matter at all because even if you ever get to know the answer , you won't be able to change anything about it.
Make yourself strong enough & rise like a phoenix.Nothing in world can beat self esteem.Elevate yourself.

*

This is just a snippet of the conversation.I summarized it at few points.By the end of it , it got too heavy on me.I don't need more hints.I'm being asked to work hard.How really tough that gets , doesn't it ?

But I wasn't convinced with the answer.Its killing me again just like it did anytime before.

All confused ..am gone !!

Mixed emotions

My cell phone is dead ! Broke into 2 pieces , although it was already pretty much broken.It didn't quite have any goddamn features anyway.Living without a cellphone doesn't take much.I just cannot reach my friends too easily.They aren't a click away anymore.

My i-pod is paralyzed.Its back- light is dead.So it gets a little pesky to turn it on & much more confusing to select songs.But I had separate folders for the kind of songs I like to listen depending on my mood.So its not getting all that tough to operate my i pod but still its so weird !
Too much for my gadgets this Diwali :|

Mum was mad , as always like always at me ( for again those typical things ) .She decided not to serve dad dinner .So I was like huh , ok why is she doing that when she is mad at ME ?? ...I got my answer pretty soon.
She orders in an annoying tone , " You make the chappatis & serve dad"
No way ?!
What kind of madness is this ??
Ok I can make chappatis pretty well but hello !?!
She was gone. Its just Dad , me & kitchen for now.
The dough was already prepared , thank god ! It took me about half an hour to make 7 chappatis out of which I almost burnt the first 2 , lol. Oh yeah , its been a long time I'm doing that so little errors are fine!!!
Dad , " I had the best dinner in years." A big smile on my face.I know those chappatis weren't all that but my daddy is the best !! :D
"After all you cooked it!" A much more bigger smile. I'm loving it...go on please?
He needn't say anymore.That meant everything to me , already :)
I love you dad !!

I did lots of shopping.Casuals- none.Just bought glad rags which I wonder when I'd be wearing.I think I won't be even wearing one or two things out of them.And yet I bought it just because I loved it so much, lol ;) But I seriously think I got a little too much stuff.I needed more of casual & formal which I didn't buy because I couldn't find any :| ..yeah the jinx yet again! But since I could find other good clothes , would wanna thank mum , my lucky mascot for shopping :)

Walking down the street at bout 9 , I had the most amazing feeling.Felt liberated.Felt happy.Felt energetic.Felt like I was flying.I
Festivity has its own charm.And what more could it be with a cold wind blowing overhead ;)
I love this street at night , specially during this time of the year.Every house is lighted with those little lightings , Coconut trees by its side , The wind - breezy & brisk , Faint noise of the crackers.And me , walking down alone watching & feeling all of these.
In other words - an indescribable enigmatic mojo , all around . I'm loving it !!


3 of my cousins got engaged => 3 weddings => Lots of shopping => Lots of fun => Lots of good food :D => And lots of fun again ! :)
I just hope no exam clashes during any of these weddings.I don't wanna miss even a single moment out of those glittery events.

And those dark hour moments lasted for 3-4 days.I already see dawn with speckles of orange in the clouds.Waiting for broad daylight in life!

Dark hour...when's dawn ??

I'm back to my mode of > my-world-is-shattering , of getting frustrated , of crying for NOTHING , of feeling helpless , of wanting to turn into a robot & behave like one - following instructions - having no mind of mine at all , of being upset , of not wanting to be happy no matter what , being disappointed , of disappointing , of cribbing silently , of nagging , of volcanic temper just waiting to explode ..no in fact not waiting at all ..who said I'm that patient ??

Things are not so great.So I'm nagging a lot.I don't know why I break down for little things like I freaking couldn't watch a movie with friends.I've been crying over little things that shouldn't bother me a lot.And yet , I cannot help it !
What do they say ...The darkest hour is just before dawn. Is that true with me ? Though I don't see what is dark about my life.There are just several things I'm not OK with.Worst , I cannot change them ! So I do only one thing that am really good at - do nothing ( & at least blog bout it )

On top of this , I have an urge to give up the course I'm studying as I'm not getting to do things my way. But its a dead desire. Somewhere its a prestige issue as well. So I have to carry on with it anyway. But I'm not being sincere enough , nor am I honest to it..so I know I have to end it.

I feel like running away somewhere , fleeing in other words.
Its hard to accept but yes I'm not quite liking the way I'm living or made to live.What I think is that when I have all the facilities available to me , I'm not enjoying as much as my friends are!!
Dad is being more strict than he ever was :-|
Spats with mom are a routine now.
Not many hang-outs with friends.
Very very clumsy living .
Music is on standstill.My sir is probably quite mad with me.Or disappointed ?? I'm suddenly charged up & religious towards learning music only when I get to know from him that his other students are doing pretty well. That arouses my feelings , but only to last for 2 days. I'm definitely not proud of this attitude of mine. Freaks me out !!
And to make it real bad ..I didn't score as much as I expected in the music exam :(
Both , my sir & I thought that I did pretty well with practicals & both of us were pretty shocked with the result.

AND...apart from everything else , talk of material things - I lost my fav watch :(
Have no idea how , when , where...but it wasn't on my wrist before the lecture started.And I'm kinda habitual of looking at my watch again & again , so if I would trail back to the events of that day , I think it just fell over while crossing the road ? Or fell over while I was on my bike.
Now , that shows how absent-minded & careless I could be. Another side of my attitude thats freaking me out.
I want that watch back... or somebody fix my Rado watch !!

Italian Envy !

Tried putting a catchy title.Its related to the post , of course!

My cousin went to Italy.
[ Do you know how badly I want to go to Italy ?! ]
~Envy~

For 7 days..know the places ? Rome , Venice & Florence.
[ Do you know how I'm dying to see the Colosseum ?! ]
~Double envy~

Best part about the trip ?
[ Do you know that I would want to go with the best of my best pals ?! ]
She went with all of her FRIENDS !!
~triple envy~

Why don't such things ever happen with me ? She went on a coll trip.Isn't that like Wow ?! Some coll she is in ! How I wish I'd taken up interior designing..would probably have been in her coll , city & most importantly Italy !! Yeah yeah..I'm happy for her but jealous too.
Just talked to her & she sounded too tired ..so didn't get to know much about the trip.But poor chick , didn't enjoy the food. People actually love Italian food & this girl told me that everything she ate was 'tasteless' ! lol , that's a funny thing I heard.
Never mind..who wants to go there only to eat the much famous Italian Pizza ?! Not me ! I just want to be there because I'm extremely impressed with everything I read 'bout the place & all that I saw on tv.

Anyhow , I wont ever in my wildest dreams ..dream of my coll taking me for such a trip.
But I could at least wish to go there as early as possible !
Whatever xyz thing ..magic & all that..which is suppose to fulfill wishes..just reminding YOU ..this one's on the top of my list ! So make it !!!
An envious desperate wish should never be let down , you know ?

Out of the thoughtful maze

Sometimes everything seems to be falling apart. Since last 2 weeks I have been constantly thinking of two particular things.I mean I have been thinking so much..that I've had sleepless nights. All those thoughts would remain at the back of mind , no matter what I'm doing.Its like someone's firing bullets at me ..I'm right there alone , having no reaction to it at all & then those bullets just fall over all around me , for me to pick them & think of them.Each & every bullet is a thought relating to me .They just keep coming & never want to leave me.I do not know how I'm suppose to destroy them.And I'm tired of it.Not frustrated but exhausted.I then visualize holding a shield to let all those bullets bounce back.Bullets never bounce back , I know that.But these are 'thoughts' & I want to shoo them off.I want to get into the state of thoughtlessness.Having nothing on my mind.But its difficult not to think of anything when you are awake & doing nothing. But I really need some peace.Lots in fact.

I then sit back & it looks like there are several different people inside me , speaking to me.The optimistic,the dark,scared,fearless,confident,skeptical & many more . Each of them has their own theory on my perplexed thoughts. No suggestions from anyone , just the pros & cons. And if you want to make a choice between two things & all kinds of possibilities have been laid down for you , the already perplexed thoughts go from bad-to-worse.I feel like making every inner calling of mine numb & dumb.I just ask them all to 'shut up' , because I want to talk to the real me.What does she have to say ? What does she thinks ? No she doesn't wanna think at all.Because she wants to follow her dreams - day dreams or pipe dreams - whatever the world may label it , she just wants to make it !! Striking the right chord.

I feel I have created a maze for myself.And I don't know the way out of it.I'm in there , running in every direction , in every lane - dark, gloomy or bright..running & running .. just wanting to get out of the massive thinking.And I soon realize that I'm back to the point where I started from.Its a maze .. so that was bound to happen.But I'm not afraid.I'm not hyper either.I just want to get the hell out of it.Every brick in maze is a thought.As I pass by , each brick says me something.And as I said..I just don't want any more thoughts ! I don't want to ponder over any of those thoughts ! I need to get some special chip inserted in my brain which would keep all the trash away from my mind.All that disturbs me.Wish the scientists are working on it ?

And lastly , it looks like a jigsaw puzzle.Some pieces are missing , some are vague , some destroyed , some unavailable. And so I don't have the prefect picture as I could never integrate the puzzle.Looks like I just need to leave it at that.I shouldn't be thinking about my thoughts , the passion & the conscience.Let it all just naturally fall into its right place.I'd push it all on my destiny.Now , I'm not the kind of person who 'd ever say that or want to .I still don't like saying that.I'd never want to keep things saved for my fate.If its my dream - it has to become my property for real , & destiny ain't gonna get any credits for that.If its the conscience - oh well , that comes first anyway. So I take it back . And now I speak - I'll create my own destiny. I'd make things work for me the way I want them to.Its just a matter of time .That's yet another cliched line that every confused thinking person wants to say.But the fact remains , it holds true.You could never tell of times - anything can happen.

So no more thinking & no more thoughts.Thankfully dad gave me lot of work to keep me busy.And I must say I don't know half of what I'm doing.But I do have to use my mind to do the work.Its tedious but I'm loving it anyway .

And of course , I'm out of the million-thought-maze.Had a bird-view of that puzzling maze & I must say I created some state-of-the-art thing, lol. They would actually want to declare it a wonder of the world.....I never mentioned that those bricks were embedded with gems & the lanes were lush push ..not the red-carpet-welcome type but the green lawns.I had environment on my mind lol.
I haven't completely stopped thinking. Its just those particular thoughts , that have been bothering me that are kept at bay. I hope I've got over it.
Yes I have !! I'm content with myself.I'm happy.I'm just gonna move with the flow.

And now I'm thinking of the incomplete work & dinner.Yeah , I'm hungry. ( Somebody might just want to say - all the time ? :P )