Saturday, September 13, 2008

Out of the thoughtful maze

Sometimes everything seems to be falling apart. Since last 2 weeks I have been constantly thinking of two particular things.I mean I have been thinking so much..that I've had sleepless nights. All those thoughts would remain at the back of mind , no matter what I'm doing.Its like someone's firing bullets at me ..I'm right there alone , having no reaction to it at all & then those bullets just fall over all around me , for me to pick them & think of them.Each & every bullet is a thought relating to me .They just keep coming & never want to leave me.I do not know how I'm suppose to destroy them.And I'm tired of it.Not frustrated but exhausted.I then visualize holding a shield to let all those bullets bounce back.Bullets never bounce back , I know that.But these are 'thoughts' & I want to shoo them off.I want to get into the state of thoughtlessness.Having nothing on my mind.But its difficult not to think of anything when you are awake & doing nothing. But I really need some peace.Lots in fact.

I then sit back & it looks like there are several different people inside me , speaking to me.The optimistic,the dark,scared,fearless,confident,skeptical & many more . Each of them has their own theory on my perplexed thoughts. No suggestions from anyone , just the pros & cons. And if you want to make a choice between two things & all kinds of possibilities have been laid down for you , the already perplexed thoughts go from bad-to-worse.I feel like making every inner calling of mine numb & dumb.I just ask them all to 'shut up' , because I want to talk to the real me.What does she have to say ? What does she thinks ? No she doesn't wanna think at all.Because she wants to follow her dreams - day dreams or pipe dreams - whatever the world may label it , she just wants to make it !! Striking the right chord.

I feel I have created a maze for myself.And I don't know the way out of it.I'm in there , running in every direction , in every lane - dark, gloomy or bright..running & running .. just wanting to get out of the massive thinking.And I soon realize that I'm back to the point where I started from.Its a maze .. so that was bound to happen.But I'm not afraid.I'm not hyper either.I just want to get the hell out of it.Every brick in maze is a thought.As I pass by , each brick says me something.And as I said..I just don't want any more thoughts ! I don't want to ponder over any of those thoughts ! I need to get some special chip inserted in my brain which would keep all the trash away from my mind.All that disturbs me.Wish the scientists are working on it ?

And lastly , it looks like a jigsaw puzzle.Some pieces are missing , some are vague , some destroyed , some unavailable. And so I don't have the prefect picture as I could never integrate the puzzle.Looks like I just need to leave it at that.I shouldn't be thinking about my thoughts , the passion & the conscience.Let it all just naturally fall into its right place.I'd push it all on my destiny.Now , I'm not the kind of person who 'd ever say that or want to .I still don't like saying that.I'd never want to keep things saved for my fate.If its my dream - it has to become my property for real , & destiny ain't gonna get any credits for that.If its the conscience - oh well , that comes first anyway. So I take it back . And now I speak - I'll create my own destiny. I'd make things work for me the way I want them to.Its just a matter of time .That's yet another cliched line that every confused thinking person wants to say.But the fact remains , it holds true.You could never tell of times - anything can happen.

So no more thinking & no more thoughts.Thankfully dad gave me lot of work to keep me busy.And I must say I don't know half of what I'm doing.But I do have to use my mind to do the work.Its tedious but I'm loving it anyway .

And of course , I'm out of the million-thought-maze.Had a bird-view of that puzzling maze & I must say I created some state-of-the-art thing, lol. They would actually want to declare it a wonder of the world.....I never mentioned that those bricks were embedded with gems & the lanes were lush push ..not the red-carpet-welcome type but the green lawns.I had environment on my mind lol.
I haven't completely stopped thinking. Its just those particular thoughts , that have been bothering me that are kept at bay. I hope I've got over it.
Yes I have !! I'm content with myself.I'm happy.I'm just gonna move with the flow.

And now I'm thinking of the incomplete work & dinner.Yeah , I'm hungry. ( Somebody might just want to say - all the time ? :P )


  1. Why didn't u take up creative writin as yr official career? I bet u can give nail bitin competition to many established writers! :P .. The way u've described yr state of mind is so damn authentic..Anyone can easily relate to it..Every1 undergoes thru such disturbed state of mind but not all can actually pen it down so precisely and convincingly..You can understand yr soul so well dat u can ACTUALLY WRITE wot it makes u feel, wot it says .. Great talent! And hey, I've juzz been able to find 2 sides of me-how to know bout oder faces of inner self? da most important question, how could u finally shoo away futile thoughts? Because I think the process of thought buildin is involuntary..we've got no control over it..all we can do is try 2 divert our, u've diverted yr mind to get rid off dose? If u did somethin else, plzz let me know..i also want to dispose off frivolous ones..:-)

  2. Neeti -
    I wont thank you as the compliments are indigestible :D
    Ok coming to answering the imp Q - Yes , I did divert my mind.
    Try speaking gibberish loudly , as loudly as you can.
    Then do what you like the most.
    Listen to your fav tracks.
    If thought building is involuntary , destroying them has to be voluntary.You have to make some effort & if its the one thats confusing you - be practical , everything else comes along :)

    Donna -
    You have to ! :D


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