rebound

I didn't take chance. I was scared of not doing well.
But sitting here and watching everyone doing well at everything they ever wanted to do and maybe more..it feels wrong. Wrong for myself. Wrong that I couldn't opt  what I yearned for.
wrong that I never had enough conviction.

I sometimes complaint why my parents sent me to such a fancy school.
I complaint why were we so traditional about everything despite being so educated.

I know they've had a tough battle themselves. I know how my parents had to recreate everything from scratch. Thats why my grumblings have no support. My complaints do no stand anywhere.

Sometimes I find I can blame no one. Not them. Not myself. And thats irritating.
It has to be someone's fault afterall.

These blame game goes around in such inconsistent loop.Its tough to break it.
And if not for what has already been done...I don't see much chance of shifting track either.
Rebounding the wrong.

Peer pressure. Social comprises. Expectations. Awareness about keeping them happy. Then listening to your heart. Not finding confidence. Trying to keep them happy. Failing almost everywhere.

I got over peer pressure or that's what I'd like to believe.
I hate how funadamental decisions in life are classified according to culture and other such crap.
I willed not to be rebellious but I don't think I've made them very proud either.

There are so many mistakes on my side too.
So in all this mess..I lost a lot of time. A lot of energy.

And I got absolutely nowhere.

I'm not happy and proud about what I'm doing.
And for someone like me...who has otherwise had  a good life..despite all the downturns her parents had to go through...my soul still cries.
Everybody has a right to dream and demand what they really want for themself.

My self created world has shattered.
I'm so lost - at first getting upset about everything and later on consoling myself , telling its all ok.

I used to compare my life to others.People I've been with , which was far worse.
Everybody's life is different.
Now that I have stopped that..it hasn't changed anything.
I'm still nowhere.
And I don't find any space to move.

My dad used to always say to me - you don't need others to certify you. Don't crave for what they will say about you. Certify yourself.

I wanted to tell my dad I couldn't certify myself. I wasn't capable enough. Not worthy enough for any certificate.

Can someone just gently pull me out of this catastrophe ?