Just listen to me

No dad. I don't feel special. The only thought that I have in mind is that I SHOULD be special.
Its running in the family blood , isn't it ? The brilliance...the intellect...

You don't compel me to take up something because you don't want me to be in the rat race and yet you don't help me decide my own race.
Its only unfair..to be your daughther and to not be doing something special.
Its only unfair to not have the ability to tap over my own talent , if at all there's one.

But you say..everybody's got talent.If not , its in nature's law to provide you with one.And that I must , at once , stop blaming the background & environment from stopping me. But isn't that the whole point ? Having no goal being the biggest obstruction in leading towards the goal ?
What train do I catch , when I do not know my destination ?

You also say that I still don't have to do get into something just for the heck of it. That I must do something I strongly believe in. Let the talent grow in me. I cannot counter that because that's exactly what I want. To know what I'm not just good but great at...and then take the leap.

The wait is testful. You ask me what's going on in my mind ? What's preoccupying my thoughts? Why do I look so stressed ??
 The answer is simple : I'm not happy.
I'm not happy..not because something's wrong but because the one thing that should be right isn't there in the first place - Passion with talent.

You say I have so many resources..everything is so easily available..money isn't the issue either...and  I do know how to use all of these catalysts. What I don't know is what I'm to use them upon!

I'm willing to take chance on something I still don't heavily believe in ! And I'm praying for that belief ,  intent & instinct to flood in my veins - so that the little doubt that's left would also vanish.
I;m willing.
But  are you ? Would you let me ?

I can't see myself this way. I'm not talking success either. Not about money..not about identity.
But everything about living and living only to do I shall love.
To be able to look into the mirror and say - yes I deserve life.

How do I explain you ? How do I ever explain anyone ? 

7 Khoon Maaf

Two Words : SAVE YOURSELF!

Its difficult to imagine why anyone would want to make a movie on such a story. And even if he does..why did he not  think of twitsting it a little so that it makes sense ?!

Its very dark.Very gross. And pathetically predictable.

Also the fact that the murderer isn't a psychopath or lunatic .. makes things all the more difficult to understand. Why not get a divorce , simply ?  :-|


Priyanka Chopra has acted very well.
The song 'Bekaaran' sung by Vishal Bhardwaj is awesome !

And that's that..otherwise its an awfully disturbed movie.

Oh btw..I couldn't figure out who the 7th husband in the movie is :-|

The one who left.

I thought she already left. I had just woken up from a lazy afternoon  nap. It was almost 4 pm. She must have left an hour ago ..I thought.
And I couldn't even say goodbye ?? 
I was trying to comfort myself with the fact that I had to say no goodbye and that it saved me all the emotional hurt. But then...it felt incomplete. And somehow I wished I had never dozed off.

Just then , I heard her voice. I rushed downstairs to catch up with her.

She hugged mom & mom hugged her back. I don't remember if mom's ever hugged me like that in so many years. I wasn't feeling jealous of that. I just couldn't take it.
That she had meant so much and that she was now leaving.

She sobbed and kept on expressing her gratitude , mentioning how mom had been a mother to her all these 5 years. And that was it. I started crying too. I know goodbyes are always difficult...but I didn't know I would cry for her. She wasn't  my friend. I guess she was a lot more than that. I cared for her in my own strange way.

She didn't come to me to hug. I wanted her to. I didn't go towards her either. I was waiting for her to say that she would miss me too. I don't know what it was. But I felt obligated to let her know that I would miss her.

Mom gifted her a pair of gold earings. She is getting married in two months. She was leaving for her hometown and she wouldn't come back again. I cried more. My little bother promised to write her letter and requested her to reply. She smiled her smiled.

At the door , I hugged her and asked her to take care. She cried again. Then dragged herself out without saying a word more and went away.

Back in the afternoon I was wondering not saying goodbyes was better. It hurt after-all.And it felt void. I wondered if it would have been nice to not be there. But the void was filling. You have to put the curtains down after every show. And this part would have been left incomplete if I would have skipped it. I was going to cry anyway. So why not with goodbyes?

Some people become such an integral part of your lives even when you would never expect them to. Our maid is an year younger to me. She has been very faithful , loyal and easy going.No complaints ever!
At any point of time , she had better idea about the things in my house than I myself did! She was a great helping hand to mom and has been an important person even for my kid brother. She has raised him too , in a way.

I wish her good luck. I pray she remains happily married.

Thanks for everything. You'll be missed.

Coke Studio & Strings

I've always had a thing for Sufi music. There's something so powerful & magical about the flow of this great genre that it touches not just your heart  , but also your soul. If there;s anything at all EVERYBODY on earth relates with , loves no matter where it comes from - it is music!
And Sufi , folk & classical music ; for me  just takes the cake!

I'm glad I was introduced to Coke studio + Strings! They've delivered some of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard and always have been craving to hear. How on earth did I not know about these all this time ?? :O

 Current Addiction :

1] Nahi Ray Nahi

2]  Titliyaan

3] Aankhon K sagar

4] Jal Pari

5] Khamaaj

Awesome , aren't they ??

I'm on my exploring spree now.

Ye saali Zindagi : At 21

I turned 21 yesterday.

I did not make a fuss about having to celebrate fantastically.Maybe that's the reason I did get to have a fantastic day.

I did not cry even when it wasn't planned to be all that. I'm really a loser when it comes to 'not getting things done your way'. All I do is sit and cry. I have overcome that crumbling rubbish.
Somehow that makes me proud of being 21.

I did freak out and my sister saved all my anger. Amazing patience she has! Thank you!

Its a bit funny to watch a movie titled ' Ye saali Zindagi' on your birthday :P  Seems so apt.
Crazy movie btw , I liked despite all the gutter words :D

I received calls from people I didn't expect and did not receive from the ones I expected.
And somehow I was least bothered about this piece of crap either .. I mean wth ?
Why should it matter when the ones who matter made the whole day matter ?  ;)
Oh and I did not take few calls too. Some drama I was upto :O

Keeping your pulse rate normal helps. Not being too hyper or excited just makes everything sail smoothly.

Accepting whatever comes however it does-  was a difficult feat for me to conquer. I've always nagged , cribbed , sobbed about little things. But in the end..you don't really wanna be a spoilsport for yourself. It cannot get worse - You being the reason for your unhappiness.
 Attitude towards life brings can make huge difference to your general perception :) 
I've learned to accept. Surreal changes in ye saali zindgai :P

I wore a 'cute' dress :D Clicked pictures. Did NOT order cake. :-|
But much to my surprise the cake arrived by itself. My sister made it for me! :D

It doesn't feel like I've turned 21. I still feel 17 because I'm still immature , I still freak out crazy  and more importantly I haven't grown any taller :|

My bday gift is still due.Was in no hope to receive a 'surprise gift' from parents. Did not get one either.
I'll just ask for it at the right time.