Central Park NYC

I've been through soooo much shit in the past 2 or 3 years ..that I have no idea what I've become. Maybe little less human. :\
Ok weird.

But now I challenge you to stone my head ( metaphorically ofcourse) - and I won't tether. No reaction.  kuch nahi hoga mujhe . It wouldn't matter to me.
Because I've seen worse.😅

'Things happen for good'. 

I wish to raise questions on this.

Is it good if it makes you stone hearted ?
Is it good if it robs you off of any little emotions that you had kept away from getting bruised ?
It is good if it brain fogs your very being ?

How good really?

But we don't have a reverse gear , do we ? Not to change things that have reached to this conclusion  , instead not having to deal with them in the first place altogether.

All I can eventually take with are lessons (which would serve what great purpose - am still unaware of! ) Lessons which cost me an arm & a leg. A roller coaster of every fiber of my emotion.

I pledged to value myself. To love myself. However, its fizzling out in this frenzy of what seems to be an everlasting loop of keeping hopes on a tenterhook.
And yet I try.
We all want to see that silver lining , innit ? Even if it means we might just have to hallucinate it - just for namesake!

In all of this chaos - which I deliberately refrained from penning down , there's ofcourse something GOOD I'd like to keep on these pages.


Its this wonderful ethereal place. This surreal moment.
 Bathseda Central Park NYC. 

You never know fountains are such a beauty untill you see this one!

Thank you for this.

 Not my click. The clickmaniac in me didn't click the most perfect spot! Pfft.

P.S. : I'm filmy! 

Its tough to hold on to memories.

 People - we can let go , in time..when the dust settles.

But memories ?

They're  a bunch of beautifully painful ( or painfully beautiful ? ) moments you capture in your heart saving them like a souvenir , gradually unknowingly letting them turn into beasts & drum into your emptiness.

Shades of grey ?

Is it true ? Is there something beyond black & white ?

Can all things , people , feelings be categorized into two extreme ends ? Or does everything has its shades of grey ?

Ambiguous or amalgamation of good and bad ..conflicting  yet together yin & yang ?

Is that how all exists ? No black or white but only in grey ?

Wiser ?

Wisdom is being able to dissect your feelings from a situation.

In some cases , wisdom is not letting emotions run too high on decisions.

 Some things are wrong because they're wrong. Feelings cannot make them right.

Wisdom is adapting to change ( something I miserably fail at! )

Wisdom is finding new ways than beating around the bush on a load of old crap.

Wisdom is in developing enough power to break bonds that cannot coexist.

Luck supports in extreme cases.
But at all other times. .its wisdom that you need the most!

Wisdom isn't all about making the right decision. Its about making one at the right time!

Karma

I've been spending some time reading and understanding Karma. I knew about it. Its feeded in our sub conscious right from our childhood. But I've never thought so deeply about this cause and effect circle.  And there are so many questions that I want answers for.

What are the 'good' and 'bad' things ?
Apart from ofcourse the basic..not wanting bad for someone , not seeking revenge etc.

Do thoughts count too ? Momentarily passing thoughts of jealousy , hatred or maybe even revenge ? Or is it all about the action one takes ?

If its all about Karma..the ACTIONS one takes - then what about your pre-written destiny ?

 I strongly believe in destiny.

Can the course of my destiny change solely on the basis of my Karma ?

Aren't all these laws intimidating and astonishing ?? I think its crazy!

But then the whole idea behind Karma is probably the fairness with which each person deserves to live.

And there goes the next question - who decides what we deserve ??

Crazy , no ? :D

================================================

* My idea of forgiving is to let go. I mean yes someone says they're sorry. Then you just say 'its ok' wherein completely meaning that its NOT ok - that's not forgiving , is it ?

You just got to LET GO.

* I'm blunt and rude. Really very blunt. Almost like I throw fireballs when I'm on my taunting mode. When I'm hurt. And I like being blunt. Although it doesn't filter any hurting for myself. It causes even more pain. But when you care , when it still bothers..you have to tell. If I stop..that's even more dangerous. It will mean you've lost that place. I've lost that struggle to hold you onto that place.


* Currently , happiness is dancing!

Your believing or not believing in karma has no effect on its existence, nor on its consequences to you. Just as a refusal to believe in the ocean would not prevent you from drowning.

F. PAUL WILSON, The Tomb

Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/k/karma_quotes.html#6IOEXy3Jc2A7OoM3.99

Scent & city.

Have you felt the scent of a new place ? Its as if every city carries its own fragrance.
 And with every one step more into it , every one second more that you spend with it...it starts becoming of you.
Travel in the locals. Unknown roads. Use the maps.
Feel the air. Feel the rush. Feel the scent.
And sooner you begin to feel you own the place.
You fall in love with an absolutely unknown place.

Have you ever got attached to an unknown person ? To someone you haven't even spoken to.
Occasional eye contacts and a smile. Something about that person makes you wanna talk to them.
It may not be significant but somehow you develop a silent camaraderie.
And maybe its not the person. Its the situation. Of missing the chance to speak at least once and of never having another chance.
Eventually you tend to carry warm memories of absolute strangers in unknown territories you will never meet again.

Is it the weather dammit ?

There's so much to say , to yell , to vent out. And yet I won't speak a word.
I'm finding no listeners. I've been muted.

I'll draw a story I believe in the most in my head. And I will keep working around it.
 I won't let others fill in their colors as they wish. I'll only allow colors to be filled in partially to justify my colors.

I'll sob like a kid for nothing which is actually a cocktail of everything.
I'll laugh on nothing , which really is nothing. I'll make it look like its everything!

I'll type words I can make of on this qwerty. And it will not change any minds. Or break any ice. But I'll still write in no hope to be read anytime.

I'll not look in the eye and talk now onwards. It will make me unwillingly smile . And I can't let that smile takeover & turn it all futile.

Its all over - I'm dead serious. I will say a hundred times. And yet turn the pages back in a while.
I've closed the book now. And nobody heard me saying "I'm dead serious - this is over at last. Dont want to hold on anymore."

Scanning into the emptyness.

I have dug desperately to find something in everything.

Every memory. Every moment.  

Every relation. Every expectation.

And I found nothing.

Today , as I look for nothing

Maybe I'd find everything ?

Entreat

I'll be taking about God(s). And my thoughts mostly emerged in the last 2 days which were consumed in reading The Immortals of Meluha.

First about the book - a blend of fiction , Indian mythology as well as archeology.
Telling a story about Lord Shiva with a different approach. A snazzy story altogether keeping same characters as we've heard about - while also maintaining the structure of Indian mythology.
 Of the Good vs Evil.
Shiva has been depicted as any other human with few extra qualities which the author didn't find necessary to explain &  it does not sketch the character as being prominently good unlike otherwise how one might expect.

I'm kind of happy to read it. Because I don't remember reading anything close to Indian mythology and specially about Lord Shiva - in English , in a fictional novel.
An Indian shall easily connect with the places mentioned, the significance of characters , the use of sanskrit words and symbols.

The language used & frame of plots is decipherable. Not too many flowery words and yet having a good flow and keeping up your interest till the end. However the end forms the turning point to pick up the next one of the trilogy - The Secret of Nagas.

 -----

I'm in awe of Lord Shiva - not particularly because of what the novels tells about him but mostly due to what our mythology speaks of him.
And it actually dawned upon me to pray to him.
I kept wondering why I never prayed to one of the Gods who they say is most easy to impress.

But even before that - I pondered why I never really pray properly. I would usually recite the sanskrit verses we learnt in childhood and though I know their meaning very well - I don't think I meant anything in that prayer. I would be simply  reciting.

Sitting in front of the idol with my eyes closed thinking about my problems as if I were giving him an audio video record of my life while also expecting him to solve it all. And to give a background effect to the prayers , reciting the sanskirt shoklas which hover around the meaning that lord you are father , mother, friend and a teacher.

Thats it.

I questioned myself - How do I expect to be answered for the prayers that aren't really prayers ?

Yes I do beg or entreat or appeal to Him at times - yes , to be specific - when I'm in trouble. But PRAY ? Do we really pray ??

A lot of people complaint that their prayers are never answered.
Maybe they should check whether they have ever TRULY prayed.
I don't complaint in this regard because I know I've rarely truly devoted myself.
I would just act like a stupid kid and even skip my not so useful monologue of so-called-prayers to tell him that I'm pretty mad with him.

And I think I will get along with whatever the universe throws at me.

But thats not how it works. In my sinking weakning moments - I finally have no choice but to resort to him. Shamelessly expecting him to escort me through troubled waters.

I surrender to him.

Dad always says you need not go to temples - you should just truly call upon him with ALL your heart. When prayers come from heart - he takes care of you , more than that of what you can imagine.

So maybe thats the whole point. Its not about chanting some mantras - the meaning of which you do not know or about visiting temples. Its about 'praying' true to the word - with all your heart. Maybe thats when your prayers will reach and only then is there is a possibility of your requests being fulfilled.

I do not question my belief and faith in God. I also do not question not having belief in him. This is probabaly the only thing on earth and in my life about which  I've never been in a dilemma. I have no issues what others say , who others pray to. I don't pray or remember him for getting my demands pampered. I do pray to get my problems fixed. But whenever I do ( ofcourse during crisis ) - I instill so much faith that I don't need to expect anything. I'm not on a waiting line to check when my appeals are responded to.
It just happens when it has to.

So all this brainstorming I did in past 2 days concludes that : we were taught that we SHOULD pray. However nobody teaches HOW to pray. Thats the trick. Secret to all the questionable beliefs.

I now pray with all my heart..with all my energy ...without ANY other damned thing on my mind.
And I'm proud of that.

Because I know I will be taken care of.

Har har Mahadev!

Game theory.

For every gain there is a loss and for every loss there is a gain somewhere. Its a zero sum game.

You want something..you will have to sacrifice something else. You can't have both equally.

Why don't you get into politics otherwise ?

----

Because even in that hate lies a deep rooted love somewhere.
Vulnerable and pure. Unfazed by the layer of loathe.

----

 Yes maybe the best of relations don't need explanations..but if someone questions and you would be questioned only when things are getting bad , why do you need to backfire ?

If someone really cares and doesn't wish to loose you..they will do everything to set those assumptions wrong. They will do everything to assure they have you  all to them self without any doubt.
The moment someone doesn't feel the need to justify ...its all quite over!

-----

After sappy promises of 'being there' and months of dating ..its not called a relation.

Are you fucking kidding me !?

-----

Love isn't a calculation.
But everything after that is math.
This VS that.
Convert every thing said and done into negative or positive points.
Practicality.
Lame blames.
Ex flames.
An algebric equation with increasing variables.
Find x , then y , then z...keep figuring out until you decide its a wrong sum.
Totally wrong. Doesn't fit your logic.
So scrap the entire sum to land up with another puzzle to solve.

-----

Loving and being in love is different. Drastically different.

Loving has various versions...

Being in love. Unmatchable.Unconditional.Unique.Ultimate.

----

Set fire to the rain.

Do not need a breakup , but a heartbreak to know what it means.

---

No background story.

You drilled a hole in my heart

that still loves you back for no reason at all.

'coz no matter how many pieces my heart is into right now

there's still a part that vouches for you somehow.

'coz no matter how much pain you filled in

the fact that I loved and I always will - would remain

'coz no matter how pointless it may seem , no doubt

even after all the ire and hate tires itself out.

You leave me at such crossroads

goodbyes will not suffice.

I shall only walk away this time

bidding a farewell that wouldn't rhyme.


** A couple of rhyming lines do not make a poem. This ain't a poem.

A major query most of them had was if I had a breakup ?
Well..my query is why do you need a breakup to write 'a couple of dark rhyming lines' ?
Such questions spoil the essence.
This 'piece' is more like 'an elated feeling triggered by a sad stimulus' as put by a friend. :P
In simple words , I wrote coz I felt like writing it.
No background story.Not necessarily :)

Chuck it.

If what goes around , comes around...then whoever having the authority to make sure the chain revolves - is going to have a hard time deciding what to do of me.

Wasn't it a little too complex ?

I'm half guilty. For that matter  , I do not believe I did anything wrong even though it would appear so in books. In words. In facts. In statement.

It wasn't rational. It wasn't driven with an intention to deceive.
So I might as well be forgotten.

Or maybe I'm already facing the repercussions.
And frankly , dearest 'authority' ; whoever and wherever you are (  don't like to drag 'god' everywhere ) - I do not have the energy to offset it.

Kindly ignore me for a while and then maybe we could have a nice fight once I've restored all the vigor.

Let me be a little happy , yeah ?

Irrationally Yours
Overly emotional fool.

# long story in short.

Give wings. Then ask not to fly 

# Parents.

Some decisions are not regretful. They are just  not worth it!   

# Don't know what the F I was thinking.

opportunity cost and opportunity ; what ifs.... 

# college

seriously doesn't make sense AT ALL  

# the way things happened. Life.

Not following dreams   

# Finding hard to tap talent # WTF !

everybody seems to be a photographer

# All you need is a SLR

So laid-back..its indigestible!

# Missing college trip.

Making supercool plans. Superhot plans 

( that didn't work ; that were not going to work anyhow.)

# confidence or height of hopes ? Adventurous maybe.

 Not being a phone person

# in a  Long distance relation or something like that ?

# Funny :D

Be thankful.For whatever there is.

# things not to forget.

Everything happens for a reason.

# Not EVERYTHING.Please spare me that nonsense. Thank you.

Silly spoilt time.

When I calculate the amount of time I spend on my emotional analysis , on silly things..I feel guilty of the time I lost that could be efficiently utilized ( -- two words you can start off writing any goddamn management paper :P ) to finish off my long due list of movies to be seen.

I'm currently  in a  very different mode that I'm not disliking. Not thinking much , just going with the flow. 

Not that I've never been spontaneous..but you know that thing in every girl's DNA - the entire process of analyzing , over stating , getting hyper  or whatever.. it sucks now!
I find myself stressed and upset when I think so much about things that will eventually fizzle out.

I'm not the kind of person who makes many resolutions.
But once I do  , I bloody keep my words.
Every time I'm deviated , my system starts buzzing : wrong lane!

When  dad asks me what do I want and I say nothing , he asks me again if I'm sure and whether I've made up my mind to never get anything from him.

I don't answer.
Although I'm aware there is still a long long time till I keep piling up the favors and debt. ..but why increase it unnecessarily ?
Once you enter the 20 league..every single penny spent on you by your parents gives a feeling of debt.Only difference , you've made no promise to return back in monetary terms. Obviously the debt is far greater to fill in with money.
But the point is - it starts pinching you.
Its a good thing I'm a miser. Sometimes I'm very proud of that characteristic :P

When I had a free choice to do what I want to do ( with hidden conditions and clauses ) - I got stuck up with my last plan. My backup rather.

There are times when I start wondering what the hell have I done. But then I remember what dad had said " you're grown up. Make your own decisions and take responsibility for them"

I must admit I felt quite insecure that day. Because decisions no matter whether I made or not - responsibility - I always thought someone else was taking care of.

But anyhow , I keep telling myself -

made a choice. 

Now stick to it!!

jinx ?

Is it common that things you are most excited about...most lovingly desperate about and badly want never really happen ?
Or delayed ?
Or just go kaput at the 11th hr ?

Its almost routine for me. Therefore ,  I make an effort in toning down that excitement and not think much about the 'plan'. .in some hope that maybe it does work out if I don't wish for it so madly!

Its a futile effort though...because you so badly want it to happen that you can't take your mind off it.

And once you start  re-thinking it ...you lock yourself into the loop of wanting it bad again!

Tough nut to crack.

In your genes..or not.

 We've been taught. We've learnt and we see it - Everything can be earned by hard work / money etc.

However these five 'powers' must be possessed by default - which if I'm not wrong..cannot be earned or gained.

Exceptional talent.
There's no way you can move ahead in this mad world without an ounce of talent. Yes you need to work hard , I get that..but without talent..all hard work would be sloshed away. Its a mad world , remember !

Metabolism
There's nothing like a fit and healthy body. Infact nothing compared to having an extremely good metabolism. You get to eat all the junk on earth - yet you look all the same , all the time :P ;)


Beauty / Looks WITH brains
I keep debating whether looks are important or not. And yes while inner beauty counts and most of us feel we are beautiful inside ( why would anyone say that he/she is an ugly person ? :P) - the truth is - yes.. lets face it - looks matter.
But all looks..and no brains is such a waste ;)

Luck
I've never been able to fully decipher the concept of destiny and all that jazz...because maybe its for weaker hearts. Maybe only those people who see some hope in their otherwise screwed up life - talk about it all the time.( Like I do it..when I see no other reason for having such hopeless situations in life - and thus conveniently blaming bad luck )
But on the basis of random sampling ; picking up people's story from my life - Luck is that intangible magic which can change things overnight.
And sometimes when nothing counts - luck does.

And then..two most important things in life- Family and friends.
While friends can be 'earned' over time and you also get to choose them...there are only a handful of them who really really are your 'friends'. Rest of them just form the 'crowd' ;) in both sense :P
You never get to choose family :D
So another one of those powers you probably need to be born with - or rather born in :P

And its funny how it would all ultimately correlate to luck. Good friends , family , intelligence , looks , talent - they call you 'lucky' then :P

Go.Jump. Fly.

Wanna get wild. Do something spontaneously.
Pack bags & leave.
Get an adrenaline rush.Adventure. Thrill!

TRAVEL.

Take part in a competition and this time bloody WIN it.


Get over that 40% of stage fear I have. I hate it that I fret.

LAUGH.

Talk endlessly with friends. And talk different and unusual.

Be unpunctual and enjoy it. For once. The punctuality bug kills me at times.

Stop calculating & comparing the time required to reach a spot via different routes. I always keep debating what could be the better route to commute :P

SING

Breaks my heart to format the mass memory of my phone. Had ALL of my current addictions. Organized playlists for the songs that I listened to while I drove , at home ,  to dance and to sing alongside with full volume.

Ofcourse , I didn't have a backup. The day I plan to backup all the files is the day I delay - and the next day I find the device corrupted.Its like a rule of the great plan of backup.

I keep humming songs all day. AND I also hum the instrumental part - trying to create the sound by clattering my teeth or just voicing :P It irritates the crap out of my friends :D

DEJA VU

Its been a long long time I've felt that I've already seen something new - before. That fraction of second that puzzles your conscience. I want that.

CRACK

Give a kickasss exam & get all the answers right to analytical questions.
Theory is passe.

MOVIES.

Its my old lost  ditched love. The art I heart.
Its stupid how I haven't gotten around to watching ANY one of those movies I have made a neat list of.

That's all I want for now. Not too much I guess. And maybe a good cam.
Yes ,  I have to be materialistic :P

Lets make it an easy exam.

There is a mysterious force that keeps me glued to you.
That makes you my magnet.
That doesn't let me let go.

No matter how hard I try.

Maybe
I only pretend to try.
Because deep down..
I don't wanna let go.

** My story is not a love story.
My story won't have a happy ending.
It demands not to end.

Strangely its the imperfection that loops me into the cyclone of affection over & again only to be left withered and lovelorn.
 Its the imperfection that drives me more to reach a point of a single moment that is perfect ; perfect bliss.

Unrequited love hurts.But the phenomenon of loving someone without being in love..without having a reason makes my story special.

 My story concludes that attachment is a bad thing to happen & its a tedious task to write off the same.
A disease that has no medication except maybe learning to be immune.

Parallel story tells that time changes things. Time improves them too. And there won't be any hard feelings.
But until then I have to survive an amalgamation of butterflies & occasional heartbreaks.
I have to survive being selfish or being a fool.
I have to survive sailing through a storm. 

And I might not even  reach a beautiful island.I already know that. There are no promises , at all.

But I'm sticking to this because all my resolutions of giving up fail with one step from your side.
That doesn't make me weak. I guess accepting my defeat over you in itself makes it all the more easy. 

 Being so serious was never the plan. Its going to suck later - so why feel the pain in advance ??

I want to regain my humor. My story needs that.

But most of all - my story needs you.

Sibling of music.

People who can Sing are really privileged.

Its such an amazing talent!

Because practically everybody on earth loves to sing - whether or not they CAN actually sing 

I hate it that I cannot sing. Coz as much as I enjoy humming tunes I like( that apparently aren't a pleasure to hear)...I wonder what it would be like to have the talent to sing.

Its so refreshing.

The story of a Marwadi.

 Part I :

Guests

More guests
And even more guests!

Brownie points :
Special food cooked at home.
Home would never look so neat & perfect in every possible way.
First class.

Turn offs :
Thrown out of your own bedroom to accommodate them.
The talks about what you do.
The impossible- to- miss-stares after you tell them what you do.
The calculation their heads are doing to define the appropriate time for marriage (of course for you) - which is anything less than half of what you might have planned for yourself.
Self-praise. Too much.

PART II :

 Cultural Laxman Rekha 

Thesis :
No night stays @ friend's place.
No partying.
Guys not allowed to enter home.
Talking on phone with guys restricted or nil in some cases.
Books are friends. Why hang out ?! :-|
Issue :  Virginity , I assume ! :P

Brownie points : seriously ?? None what so ever.
Note : Most cases of eloping are a result of ones daring to cross this Laxman Rekha.
Most cases of guys getting spoiled too would fall in this area.
The more you restrict - the more boundaries crossed.

PART III

Marriages

Love marriage is an alien territory.
Typically the vices for our folks are :
Smoking. Drinking. Eating non veg.
And the fourth is - Love marriage!

The tedious ridiculous process in history of marriages : Arranged marriages!!
Check each other out. Read bio data. Interests and other such things.( Most of which are written just for the heck of it  :P )
One hour of rendezvous.
Few days time for approval--- without going out on date or contacting each other!!
WTF !!

PART IV

 Weddings

 Turns offs :

Read Part I  +  pretense  in every whichever way , in every whichever section.

Brownie points :

Get-togethers. Time off with cousins.

 The various functions which don't make much sense :P but fun to be a part of.

PART V

Miser ??

Stereotypes are stereotypes.

Definite believer in  : If you have it , flaunt it.

Reference : Diamond obsession . 

Reason : Competition :D

Baring apart few , most of the rich ones  live luxurious life et all. But they're misers in some areas.

Indulgent lifestyle.

PART VI

Family

 Joint families > Quarrels > Partition > Nuclear families.

a. Nuclear forever.

b. Nuclear yet bond with extended family.

c. Nuclear , bond with extended family , relatives , society..etc etc :O

Joint families ? - Extinct species. Fun. Pros & cons.

PART VII

Religious Values

Don't question. 

Just follow. 

Believe.

(  Personally I have no issues :P )

PART VIII

Passion

Business is in the blood.

Money. 

Stock market.

-----

Overall ..business families. Highly conservative. Typical Ekta Kapoor serials in some cases !
They want girls to get best education. But to not work after settling down into another family. ( ???! )
Baring apart the unnecessary illogical immature social and cultural rules our folks have  : Marwadis are nice people :P 

I always warn my friends not to fall for marus. Life after marriage in marwadi family is kinda difficult :P