* Just because you idolise someone or look upto them ..doesn't mean you have to approve or agree  with them on everything.
 They can be WRONG too.

* Secrets are best remained secrets with yourself.
They are your worst weakness.
 My biggest lesson has been that NO MATTER how close you are to someone - never share something that can be backfired at you.
People irrespective of their importance to you ..are always waiting for an opportunity.

* It isn't always the best thing to call a spade a spade. Or atleast not the best time.
Immediate reactions can be lethal.

* Everything is good from a distance. Even friendships.

* Yes , you just have to learn to ignore few things in life that are  running around you. Because you cannot do anything about them.Even when it hurts..even when it bothers.
Don't take it to heart. Wear it off.

* Smile. Talk. Smile. Talk less but smile.

Evolve.

Its funny how things evolve. I won't say 'change' because thoughts and things and people just 'evolve' over time. They're very much the same at core. And anything that you share with them will probably remain the same too despite all tsunami the relation might have gone through.
Its just time and situations that really change.

And this evolution is ridiculous in itself.
Because all of your notions and resistance , all of your theories , judgements and so-called experiences  fail.
You come to peace with what you have to deal with ..only after you've adapted the evolution.

Lesson for  this quarter ?

Distance is very healthy. It makes you wiser.
It gives you space - to breathe , to settle , to be you.

Sometimes it makes things better. Like it brings back lost friendship.

And sometimes it helps in putting an end with few without making much effort or in other words without hurting yourself in the process.

Shayari # 4

Yun toh rishte bigad jaate hai kuch pal mein.
Magar chahat nahi badalti.
Aakhir be intehaan mohabbat ki ho jisse...
Usse nafrat kaise ho jaye.

Yun toh dur chale jaate hai bina kuch samjhaye
Magar intezaar ki ghadi nahi rukti.
Aakhir wo alvida hi kaisa..
Jo zikra karke bayan kiya jaye!

~ Nams


( 100% original :P )

Farewell to trusting.

Pure co-incidence. I picked a chit during the miss farewell thing..and I was supposed to answer - You should not trust a guy because...?

The first reaction was a big bright smile on my face accompanied with loud cheers from friends. It is irrelevant how much they know what has been going around with me ; the fact is who could answer this better than me ? :P

Don't trust a guy because..

What he says , what he thinks and what he does are three very different things.
80% of the times they are lying. Or making stories. Same thing.
Therefore , don't believe every word he says. Its not worth it.
Infact its not just about guys..generally speaking ,  never put all your faith onto someone. Don't make them so important that they influence your state of being. You never know how situations change and your trust is broken unintentionally.

--- When I lost my faith and trust over my so-called best friend - I felt crippled & was nervous for quite some time. I was so empty I could not feel anything.It was like my heart just shut one more time. I never cried for all the bullshit though.

And then being the usual me ... I gave a dramatic speech to lighten my mood. I said to my friend : I am heartless. She denied. I explained : I only have this organ which is pumping blood into my veins. ( :D ) But it cannot be called 'heart'. My heart is so dead. Because I cannot feel a damned thing.

I may have wronged myself. Conned myself to trust him again. But its only human!
Why the hell am I so forgiving ?

So while our farewell party sucked..and I allowed my friend the privilege to speak to me again :P , a little too late I realized it is not worth it. We tend to believe what we like to hear. Its not really the truth though.

So here's a goodbye to not the friendship that has been sacked , but to the trust that will never be given back.

You lost that place. I still don't know whats in your mind. I don't understand much. But what I can see isn't something I can't deny. Actions speak louder than words..right?

No point to hold on.We're done.
Its not gonna be easy. Even when it is more of a rational than emotional decision.

* College finishes off this week. Not gonna cry about this either. Will miss the routine.
Albeit change is more than welcome :D

Dancing in the moonlight.

I don't understand how you can smile all day long

but cry yourself to sleep.

How pictures never change
but people in them do.


How forever turns into a few short months
that you'd do almost anything to get back..


How you can let go certain things you once said
you cannot live without..


How even though you know something is best for you
it hurts just the same..


How the smell of some person stays with you forever
even when they are gone!


-- I didn't write this. A friend forwarded the above message. Most of the people I forwarded it to asked me if I wrote it. It was amusing the kind of response I got.

Z : what happened to you ? we are not made like this! Oh God..the college should resume asap! Nams is getting spoiled ;)

RS : Keep smiling. Whatever it is that is making you upset..just forget it.Pleaseee :)

K : class! You wrote ?!
I said I wish I did.
He said in that case you'd have to fall in love and then have a breakup :P

VB : Kya baat hai! Touched my heart! :)

SK :  100% You're in Looooove :P :P


Whoa! I myself found the message to strike a chord. Specially the last part of it.
But but..I did not write it :D

And let me admit..I've been quite a sucker for these sentimental messages and quotes. The ones that tug your heartstrings you know!
When Z and K nudged me a little to carry on the conversation about relationships - I just had one thing to say. I find it exhausting.

I find it exhausting to fall in love.
To get to know someone. Understand them. Start caring for them. Expect them to understand you back. Think they like you.Fall for them ( misjudge ). All that permutation and combination.
Its tiring.

For me - having a crush  these days in itself is equivalent to having some eye candies around! Full stop.

I feel like I have no heart left.
Nothing affects me.And I'm Ok with it.
We all have our share of disappointments and broken trusts.
The good thing is I'm not crying over it.Or atleast I'm done hurting.
I realized that the whole point is not to keep too many expectations regardless of who the other person is! That way you cut out all the extra emotional attachment.
Not like you shouldn't enjoy the friendship. Just cut out all that stupid crap.

* Working out madly. Eating healthy food. And focusing only on ME.
Everybody else has taken a backseat.

Buck up!

 Lately I've been quite a mess.Lately is about more than 7 months. 
All of it only proves how bloody fickle minded I am. Its probably the worst thing about me.
I had a tough time accepting and believing an assumption ..which again was nothing short of truth.

I had a disgustingly irritating time moving on. I felt sad , angry , longed , loved , stupid , hurt and every other possible feeling someone as childish at heart as me can feel.

I used to make a clear mindset , stick to it for a while and all of my pretense of being strong failed when I melted over heartwarming talks from someone I genuinely liked.

I really strongly feel the need of having a sibling of around my age at this point. Although that was something I always vouched for but knowing its impossibility ..I had adjusted myself with being alone. I do have wonderful cousins who are no less of really good and true friends I can trust my life on...but at the end of the day....when you hit the bed and have no one to speak to - you feel like the walls are going to eat you.3 am friends too , I  have. But presence is important.That connection and bonding...that support I miss. And am never going to have it.

I'm absolutely sure that I wouldn't have been such an emotional wreck.

But anyway...there are better things to focus on. Better and great things to do.
I just tend to forget how wonderful I can make everything around me. Its just the matter of my attitude.
I tend to forget I am blessed.

Enough damage has been done. It has all been a waste of time as it always seems in retrospective.
And then its easy to put.."what if you already knew the outcome of your small actions". Its like the butterfly effect. Such little strings attached to massive movements.
I'm not going to divulge my time and energy over what ifs. Nor will I regret.

And  most importantly..I will not allow myself to fall in the trap of feeling vulnerable.

My thinking process will have a lot to do with how I deal with this. And I want progress now.
Its creepy I'm going to turn 22 soon. I need to BUCK UP and for everything and everyone who have damaged me ..spoiled me..hurt me , I can only say one thing to you : FUCK YOU!

Extinct theories.

Some concepts don't exist or hold strong ground anymore.

- Platonic love
For someone who believed in platonic love ..lust or as soberly termed 'expression of love' has scalped all such beliefs.

- best buddies do not fight.
They do.
They should not..but they do.
And the fight is usually a brutally cold argument.
Ego is a parasite.

-  Perfect families.
There is no such thing as that.
It might be a by-product of a broken divided family. But then , can you call THAT a  'perfect' family ??

-  Almost everyone hurts you.
Nope. You get hurt , all by yourself.
Cannot go around blaming 'everyone'

-  Love people and they will love you back.
Nature doesn't provide such law.
You cannot force someone to love you back. No matter how many millions you love them.

Kaleidoscope

Do you know what a kaleidoscope is??
You know those toys that are a tube that you look into and see a beautiful design and then you turn it...and it becomes a different design just as beautiful?
Life is very much like it. Just turn it a little and another beautiful picture is there...waiting....
So when you color all your relationships or the future on past relationships especially ones that didn't work out...then you are limiting yourself
So leave that one where it is...and turn the kaleidoscope for the next beautiful picture!

Don't make the person you meet and like...fit the 'your perfect criteria'...make him be the perfect person to grow with...and fit the criteria to him.


One of those wonderful things you ever said to me.
Almost 2-3 yrs back. I remember how I took time to reply and in fact came with no answer.
Today as I'm sitting and reading over the saved conversation...I realize how right you were!!
truth is..that's exactly how it works! I never subscribed to the idea of perfect person. Never had a check list or criteria.And now I totally relate and understand every single word of the most amazing simple things that you said.
I always believed that if I like someone , I'd like them anyhow. Not for any particular set of predefined elements. And am glad that's the way how it has turned out to be.

Sometimes you say yes 

without scratching your head scouting for logic

without judging the consequences

without desperately searching for a reason.

And it gives a sense of relief to be able to do that.
Because at that moment...you know it came straight out of heart.

 I do not know what the future holds. I do not bother. I don't know why I'm doing this.I don't want to know why I'm doing this. Because right now what matters is being together.
And all that matters is to love. without conditions.
Therefore , that's exactly what I'm doing.

Unlocking Rules

Its good to spill the beans.

To have someone who grasps the meaning of your words exactly how you imply.

Who doesn't read between  lines.

Heck. Its liberating to share secrets. Even though a secret doesn't remain much of a secret once shared!

I was wrong when I thought I can deal with everything by talking myself out.There are chances you could hypnotize yourself as per your convenience. Or worse..make yourself miserable.

Its always better if someone worth knows what you're up to. They can stop you. They can back you.They don't judge you. They guide you.

I may have lost my capacity to be rational. But I know 'you' will always support me. Thanks a lot buddy!!

Policy Matters

Its not about 'giving and taking' for me. Its about 'gifting' with 'love'. There's a difference there. Its not an obligation. It comes out of affection. Also , I don't expect anything in return.
And even when I do not gift something to someone close..it doesn't make them any less closer to me. I just haven't found the best for them yet.

I can tolerate liars. I'm a liar myself...a harmless liar.
I just don't like being deceived. I distance myself from people I suspect of deceiving.

I forgive. But I do not forget. And I don't trust again.

I understand my friends cannot always be there for me. I don't hang around like an albatross around their neck for that.

I have an obsessive compulsive punctuality disorder :P I just loathe it when people don't turn up on time.
I hate it when I turn up late too at some rare occasions.
Being punctual  has becomes one of my 'policies'.

Incomprehensible

I find myself debating  whether it is important to let people close to you   KNOW

how much they mean to you....

OR

will the 'essence' of that relation  drain out ... 

will its importance fade away ...

will it not seem so worth once you establish its worth ?

Why do we have to pay so heavily for priceless relations from our emotional account  ?

Why do the most wonderful equations with the most wonderful people become complex ?

Or are already complex. Right from the beginning!

Ok lets chuck that. Whether it is important to express or not.
What eats me in and out is that - Why do we lose out on the relations we love the most ?
Why do they fall apart ?
Why are they complex ?
Why do you have to let go something you've held so close to you ?

Maybe you can never hold it. Its like sand..the more you try to grip it in your palms..the more it slips away..

Strangely ...there aren't any complications where you least bother ..where it doesn't matter whether you lose out or not. Everything sails smooth.
And even if things don't go well  - it f***king doesn't matter!!
I despise Irony.

I'm robbed.
The engine of my emotion has failed.
I'll earn again.
The engine will be repaired again.
And I'll be robbed again.
The engine will fail again.....

Things have changed...

Because we all have grown up.

The last time I had spent such a vacation with these bunch of funny idiots was when brat , Nik and Ankit were of my height.Now all three of them are at least 5 feet 8 inch tall.And I'm still 5'1 :|
That's the most basic difference with which I can relate to the two phases.

A lot of things have changed during these few years.I'm having trouble absorbing it.
To begin with  - Bubble is married.It still hasn't sunk in.

The wedding was superb but the food wasn't.That minimizes the length of this post as I cannot stick to the description of one of the most important elements of wedding ( the food - in case you don't get it ).I feel bad that I couldn't come online and write to my heart's content about the  excitement and mention the scandalous episodes.As of now , most of it has evaporated from my head.So , I'm not left with much to talk about , which is really sad :(

What is worth mentioning is the DJ party we had two nights before the marriage.It was the most awesome dj night I've had.Amazing tracks played over not making us stand still even for a second.
 I absolutely loved the way Brat danced! :)
The guys in our family were hitting on the girls from the groom's side :D Its funny given that few of them are already dating. ;)

My stomach dropped during the vidaai ceremony.I didn't cry because I was groggy and also because this particular ritual never makes sense to me.But to be there when every else is crying and the bride is so red-eyed...kind of makes you feel sick.

After the wedding , I extended my stay for more than a week.
We had in- house parties..which was crazy.
We went go carting after ages.
I went shopping -  after ages.
Worth mentioning - the Oreo shake at mochas.Its one of the best things of my trip.
We had silly discussions on nonsense topics which were hilarious.
The guys danced like maniacs.
It seems I wore the best sari.Got compliments for my outfit from EVERY ONE.I'm not exaggerating.
got a tan :( went swimming in scorching sun at uncle's farmhouse just 2 days before the wedding.The tan spoiled my mood for the rest of the days.I hate the pictures.Mine.

Away from the may madness...I spent a supercool time with my maternal family.
When everyone left , I cried.Felt like a fool for doing the same because nobody else was crying :|
That's exactly how sentimental  I am despite strongly resisting any display of my vulnerable side.

I had wished to scribble about all those things that have changed amongst us only to get it all out of my system but I'm already over it.I didn't even think much about it.That's majorly because I didn't have the time to think.I managed to live each moment instead of interpreting and analyzing.

Bitter sweet juggle of emotions.
Folds of difference.
Varied opinions.
Things may have changed.
The magic remains.

Numbly baffled

* Two of my most 'worshiped' friendships have ceased to exist or so it seems.
Time and distance have swiped off the spark.The 'need' to be along.
Even as those two friends are somewhere out there.Somewhere far.

I'm fully aware and sure of the fact that its never going to be the same..and the worst part of it is that I'm not even going to make an effort.Maybe it is not that bad to not try.That comfort and rapport has just dissolved.Pointless.

* You think I'm a fool.You are absolutely right.FULL STOP.

* Some relations have to be kept the way 'elders' want you to , which is far less by your standards.Its difficult.I wish there were no rule like formalities.Happiness would have come simpler and it would still have been valued just as much.

* The sole purpose of my life is not to get married.Unlike the assumptions.There's so much to do..so much to LIVE for.Marraige thoughts give me a virtual nervous breakdown.

* Some people go Volt Face.With absolute ease.I don't know what to do about them.It baffles me all the time.