Walk the talk.

Something , and infact I'd say a lot has metamorphosed in me in the past few days.
 I feel responsible with a guilt riding over my head making me cringe.
But the difference is that I want to take and act on that responsiblity.

Now that this sapience has conceded , am desperate to makeup for the loss of the past years of what I would name as the prolonged teenage f**khead 'me' phase!

Its as if I'm only a couple of mins late on the platform when the train I had to board on - has already departed.
I will have to run. Sweat a little. And then I'll catch it. I'll do.

But its scary to think what if am unable to catchup ?
 It makes me groan out aloud. The thought makes me weep inside , for all we know - I'd take the blame over me.

Its time to take charge of everything. Its time to get onto this track. I have to and I want to make things allright. I want to take care of my family.
They are all that matters right now.

Yes , it was about me. Everything has always been about ME. Whether or not I was happy? Whether or not I was fulfilling my dreams ?  Whether I was not getting what I wanted ? Me. Me. Me!
But I forgot there was so much more to me , of me & about me.

My thoughts. I am working on my thoughts.
I'm putting efforts to heal my body mentally , spiritually and emotionally. It will take weeks , months... but I'm determined not to let anything make me slip from here.

Health has been on my list for quite a long time. The problem with me is that all my pursuance fails at a point. So I HAVE to be persistent. I can't afford any other option this time.
 I'm pursuing fitness. Giving myself Ayurvedic tonics and doing yoga and cardio.
I am expecting and aiming for a radical change in myself by November. This Diwali I'm gonna give  this wonderful gift 'fitness' which I have denied myself intermittently.

It feels good when you try to take things in your stride. When you are at least being honest to yourself. I've already wasted so much time and I'm not allowing that to undermine my enthusiasm.

Nike's mantra is for everyone - Just do it!

Float away

I want to throw a bottled message into the ocean.

I want to wrap it all up , box it and throw away.

All the feelings together.

Just letting it go..letting it float away whichever direction it chooses to go.

And while I do so..I want to smile.

Smile that it expired.

Filtering any bitterness or indifference that has masqueraded itself ..tugging me every time I take a step forward.

You wanted to know how I feel about it ?

 I feel nothing because I feel everything.

And so in this nothing and everything...I want it all to just float away....

Go.Jump. Fly.

Wanna get wild. Do something spontaneously.
Pack bags & leave.
Get an adrenaline rush.Adventure. Thrill!

TRAVEL.

Take part in a competition and this time bloody WIN it.


Get over that 40% of stage fear I have. I hate it that I fret.

LAUGH.

Talk endlessly with friends. And talk different and unusual.

Be unpunctual and enjoy it. For once. The punctuality bug kills me at times.

Stop calculating & comparing the time required to reach a spot via different routes. I always keep debating what could be the better route to commute :P

SING

Breaks my heart to format the mass memory of my phone. Had ALL of my current addictions. Organized playlists for the songs that I listened to while I drove , at home ,  to dance and to sing alongside with full volume.

Ofcourse , I didn't have a backup. The day I plan to backup all the files is the day I delay - and the next day I find the device corrupted.Its like a rule of the great plan of backup.

I keep humming songs all day. AND I also hum the instrumental part - trying to create the sound by clattering my teeth or just voicing :P It irritates the crap out of my friends :D

DEJA VU

Its been a long long time I've felt that I've already seen something new - before. That fraction of second that puzzles your conscience. I want that.

CRACK

Give a kickasss exam & get all the answers right to analytical questions.
Theory is passe.

MOVIES.

Its my old lost  ditched love. The art I heart.
Its stupid how I haven't gotten around to watching ANY one of those movies I have made a neat list of.

That's all I want for now. Not too much I guess. And maybe a good cam.
Yes ,  I have to be materialistic :P

Bring it On.

Have you heard ...they say people who are devastated are quite funny on the outside.

I have one such friend. And although as little as I know of him - my other friend & I could tell there was something huge missing in his life.

Today we were proved right.

The entire situation is so numbing , I don't have words.

He's a gem of a person. Quite talented. Keeps making people laugh crazy with his antics & mimickery.

In two days something will decide whether he stays with us or not.

I'm feeling terrible. Helpless.

And in so many days ..specially since I joined college...this is first time I'm praying badly - that too for someone else.

He's also the same guy for whom we did not change our batch.Flat 15 days of friendship.

Serious- WTF- happens- in- life mode.
Bring it on I say , Life -- you - sonofabitch!

'Extra Attention'

 Its tough to impress dad. I don't make much of an effort to get noticed ..but somewhere I'm desperate for him to appreciate & acknowledge ONE damn thing that I've done or  that I do.
OK I'm aware there isn't anything *very* impressive about me either . .  .but only so much for my creative inputs!!

I still follow what he says...'you don't need certificates from others..you need to certify yourself..that's more important' 
But I demand to know what harm would a little active encouragement do ?

And he asks me why do I need extra attention ?!
Booom boom boom!

Of all the things that I dislike the most is that he NEVER appreciated my music skills.
My music sir may praise me , tag me fav & talented student ( which I genuinely feel is an exaggerated form of encouragement ) but dad ?!?

NEVER!!

Whats more annoying & hurtful is when he declares I'm yet to have proper sense of music.
Where as I'm good enough! I know that because I can feel it in every beat of my heart when I play it!
I know how to play , what speed to play with...and I can harmonically balance the taal and raag. That's what sir has always appreciated me for!!

Agreed..I stopped giving music exams. I haven't learnt a new raag since two years. But I still enjoy playing whatever I've learnt. And I am pretty good at it!

Damn.

I've given up on this episode though. I avoid touching the piano or harmonium when he is around.
I like to play when I'm alone. Without any listeners. Without being judged. ( Except if its appreciated :P )
Just for myself.

Wow! And do I even need to mention the power of music ? Its splendid!

Mojo

If I were asked to choose between time machine & magic  , I would choose the latter.

Firstly - Not that I don't intend to have a sneak peek into the future but that's something I will get to see anyway.

Secondly - I don't want to go into the past. I may regret a lot of things and wish to change lots too..but somehow I'm not too sure making any changes would have made much difference.

Magic  it has to be for me. I'd mould things right in my present ...the way I want...to assure a reliable future.

.....

Silent Shouts

Tearless cries

Beneath them reside

A volcano of lies.

I agree , understand and very well know that everyone has problems in their lives. Much bigger and gruesome than my own. I mean , heck yeah , but I don't care.Why is this point raised anyhow ?  Just because people are carrying all the tension in the world on their shoulders - is no reason why I should not get rid of mine.

I've reached a saturation point.And I need a closure.

Just listen to me

No dad. I don't feel special. The only thought that I have in mind is that I SHOULD be special.
Its running in the family blood , isn't it ? The brilliance...the intellect...

You don't compel me to take up something because you don't want me to be in the rat race and yet you don't help me decide my own race.
Its only unfair..to be your daughther and to not be doing something special.
Its only unfair to not have the ability to tap over my own talent , if at all there's one.

But you say..everybody's got talent.If not , its in nature's law to provide you with one.And that I must , at once , stop blaming the background & environment from stopping me. But isn't that the whole point ? Having no goal being the biggest obstruction in leading towards the goal ?
What train do I catch , when I do not know my destination ?

You also say that I still don't have to do get into something just for the heck of it. That I must do something I strongly believe in. Let the talent grow in me. I cannot counter that because that's exactly what I want. To know what I'm not just good but great at...and then take the leap.

The wait is testful. You ask me what's going on in my mind ? What's preoccupying my thoughts? Why do I look so stressed ??
 The answer is simple : I'm not happy.
I'm not happy..not because something's wrong but because the one thing that should be right isn't there in the first place - Passion with talent.

You say I have so many resources..everything is so easily available..money isn't the issue either...and  I do know how to use all of these catalysts. What I don't know is what I'm to use them upon!

I'm willing to take chance on something I still don't heavily believe in ! And I'm praying for that belief ,  intent & instinct to flood in my veins - so that the little doubt that's left would also vanish.
I;m willing.
But  are you ? Would you let me ?

I can't see myself this way. I'm not talking success either. Not about money..not about identity.
But everything about living and living only to do I shall love.
To be able to look into the mirror and say - yes I deserve life.

How do I explain you ? How do I ever explain anyone ? 

Cute cut ? Alien cut!

Last week wasn't great at all.My stupid mistakes.My highly untrustworthy temper & friends who give a little hint like you could skip a paper and re-attempt in few months.
Scolding from parents.Terrible one! Horrible!
My mind was on catastrophe.Thank god I didn't took time out to blog 'bout it! :D
I mean really THANK GOD I did not.
I understand blogging is an addiction of sort.If not for writing a post , at least for signing in again & again to see blog updates , reading listed & unlisted blogs , comments etc.
But once again , Thank god!

I like the fact that I actually believe in 'whatever happens - happens for the good'
Old dull saying to excuse ourselves from reality. ( we only say it during tough times ) But I like it.Specially because it has been a kind of blessing in disguise.I'm not getting in details.Thank god!! :D

The only case to point out where I do not comply with the old saying is when I got a haircut!
I mean a bad haircut cannot do anybody good!!
Although I had a haircut just two months back ( when I took Madonna's pic of her blond layered haircut which is too sexy only if you have such hair ) , I decided to trim 'em again.My hair has started falling rapidly again.Its been more than 6 months I recovered from typhoid , after which my hair was literally DISSOLVING.I took homeopathic treatment which did wonders but only for a while.My hair's getting thinner day by day & I have no idea what to do bout it!
At least no sane person would wash her hair with 3 shampoos together ?! I used to do that.Cut short to two shampoos presently :P

Anyway so I got a haircut (not at all worthy ) which is not even anything great.I just couldn't decide if I wanted to trim my hair or experiment something again.In the end , like always , I was tempted to experiment which had me asking for Fringes.Why did the bloody b u t c h e r not suggest me not to get fringes ??!! with that thin lifeless hair ??!! WHY !?!
I thought it wasn't that bad either anyway and so I spared her my anger.

For three days , dad's been watching my hairdo carefully making me very uncomfortable.Finally he said , " What kind of hairstyle is that ? Looks like an ALIEN cut"
I was like O M G! I had almost started thinking it was rather cute but cut = alien ???! :

I'm obviously mad.Whatever happens with a haircut never happens for the good.Why do I always land up with an unusual or boring haircut ? The Madonna type haircut wasn't a disaster as such but to get my hair look like that way , it would have been a daily exercise of blow dry which I wasn't going to do anyway.I've spoiled my hair in all these years.Earlier I used to wash them with herbs :( shampoo is so my foe now :((

Exam's over.But that's not a relief yet.
I want some nice summer holidays which do not require me to get back to some actual studies while scraping surfing & movies.
I cannot live w/o watching movies!

Since YOU are great

How could YOU be so narrow minded ?
How can YOU say those things ?
How can a GREAT person like you keep aside all your greatness & look down upon it as if it was never yours ?

I admired you the most.I still do! But there's a little string pulling me back & that is of the respect that am losing for you.
But I know I would still admire you.Because I learn from you.And I would always respect you.For petty irrational unthought fierceful words ought to be neglected.

Why is it happening to you ? Why to us ? Weren't we suppose to celebrate life EVERYDAY ?
You said that just last night , didn't you ??
Why is our world shrinking ?
We don't deserve to spend another painful moment.Then why don't you lighten up the mood because its only you who brings the CHANGE - good or bad worst.

The day it was my mistake , I deserved your wrath.I accepted it naturally.I did not shake.I did not grumble.
The night you left me feel like a worm in your life for a reason that seems pretty obvious that I'm not what you wanted me to be...still leaves me shaken.I was so shattered.

Now , I've become numb.I'm sure this is just one of those phase which we are jinxed with.I know we'll move on.I know we'll not talk of this again.
I'm not upset.But until we reach back to NORMAL , its going to be a painful process.

My hopes never die because I don't keep hopes with these things.
I'm just SO DAMNED SURE , it will have an END.
THE END

FOREVER.

Because YOU are a GREAT person & YOU won't 'carry forward the past'.
That still rings in my ears.
Why just say it , why not follow ?

Let's CHEER up & not TEAR our lives apart.

19 = 16

19 = 16 >> I'm all the same @19 as I was when I was 16.So I feel 16 only.I was & am a short-tempered person.Loved dancing & still do but nowadays I've become conscious of it.I'm no less lazier.' More of a movie critic than before.I HAVE to read reviews by diff critics of every movie releasing every week.Then I watch the movie if I feel its worth it.Then I have my own opinion about the movie.When someone asks me 'how's that movie' , I give such mixed complicated answers that they swear never to ask me such a thing ever again , lol.

I'm a sucker for English & I think from when I was 16 till here , there has been a change in my writing skills.Am definitely not good at decorative writings but I'm happy that I've improved over the years.My English sucked in school.And I don't know how the change began.I never deliberately made an attempt in improving my English..it just seems to have happened by itself over time :) I'm thankful to Donna for putting me into the habit of reading! I'm thankful to school friends who've been an inspiration to me as far as language is concerned.
The funny part is my father still thinks that I'm very poor in English.Probably because we do not speak much in English & of course he hasn't read much of what I write anywhere.The funniest thing about this already funny part is whenever I try to prove dad that I'm not so very bad with my language skills - I create blunder.I'd give the wrong meaning , I'd use the wrong words , I'd pronounce absurdly.I feel irritated then.My cousins too seem to have under-estimated me.But sometime back they complimented me for the testimonials they read which I'd written.And that too in front of dad ;) :D One of the heavy burdens on my shoulders just evaporated :))

I was & am an introvert.Its not that I do not have much to talk about , I just don't like to talk crap.And there's just so much of it people talk of all the time.Discussing movies, music , shopping , books is on the top of my list.Apart from that anything interesting going around the world attracts me.As far as little gossips of local scandals are concerned , I listen ; mostly avoid ; rarely comment & always try to forget.Why to keep such trash in head ??
I'm shy too.I always was.Thats the reason I do not have many friends.You've really got to be outgoing if you've gotta make friends.This is one of the things I'd really like myself to be.But I won't make a desperate attempt - It fits perfect when it happens naturally :)

I'm & was an average student but have the potential of being intelligent ;)
Smartness is something you evolve with in time if not naturally talented with it , isn't it ?
I feel special.Sometimes I don't when I realize I do not have too many friends & the fact is Life is Great when your Friends become family & family become Friends :)) - I read this somewhere , whosoever said that is abs right!
I feel special for having a special father & brother .They are the two most important people in my life.They always were.Mum's my mum , so she's special too.I have few special friends & cousins too.

I do not want the equation [19 = 16] to remain constant i.e say when I'm 22 ?
22 =19 =16
I want to see myself as a much more confident , outgoing , cool headed, intelligent , beautiful , fashionable person who knows how to keep herself happy ALL the time.
I want to be around extremely genuine , & selfless people ( inclusive of little selfishness which everyone is embedded with )
I want to travel more , be rich to live a comfortable life , utilize every second of my life & make it special.
I would like to learn lots of foriegn languages too.I'd continue reading great books & make friends.
I want to be as fit as a fiddle.
I'm looking forward to encounter & enjoy the variables of my life's equation.
Good luck chicka!

Chicka - Spanish for Girl :P

Statement of Affairs...'08

Liabilities + losses

• Studies ? The first one ..of course.. Accounts!!!
  
• Tax , law, audit..audit sucks
  
• Reads - long list
• Re-inventing music { I hardly remember my previous learnings.By now I've learned 18 Raag out of which there's just ONE which I can play even in deep sleep.I do not sing.Though I really should.And I badly need to be thorough with all that I've been learning }
  
• Movies - Rock on, Fashion, Dostana :(( & a dozen foreign flicks.
  
• Cooking
  
• Dance pe chance {One of my friend's learning belly dancing & I ?? I haven't even started with Salsa!}
  
• Loss of frastrack watch
• Study study study
• Be good to Bubble. She is good.I've been real mean to her
  
• B.com project..on environment lol
  
• Coll assignments
• Old broken cell phone
• Master plan execution
  
• Chess
• Skydiving
  
• Driving [ I still panic ...err ]
• Maths *glares* Oh yeah maths!
• Exam is a liability as well.
  

Assets + Gains in terms of fun

• New cell phone! {Murphy's Law or any of those Irony Laws - I knew once I'd buy a cell phone ..within weeks something better would launch..something I'd been looking for.So I bought express music 5310 & few weeks later I got to know about the touch screen express music model releasing in Jan ...to hell with you @ laws }
  
• Digi cam | Usage -> Not bad
• Handy Cam | Usage -> Poor Less Depreciation *Warning* Asset turning into a showpiece.
• I-pod Less Depreciation--> Back-light dead | Condition - Still usable
  
• Electronic Dictionary { doesn't work anymore }
  
• Mauritius Trip ;) Para sailing , sea walk , walk with LIONS
  
• Close Friends
• New Home smugs
  
• The wedding@ Lonawala
  
• Shopped wearable clothes
• Shopped unwearable clothes to be worn after shedding off a few extra pounds
  
• Family re-union
• powerdrunk7.blogspot.com
  
• Black stilettos ..I love them
  
• 2 new pairs of Sport shoes one in total black ; the other white + blue
• Stipend Sad story
  
• Cash/Bank savings
  

My Balance Sheet does not tally.Not only because I'm weak in Accounts talk bout pursuing CA but also because this year has been a sad waste.
I want to do something creative.I want to become a good CA.But I'm going nowhere because I'm not studying.Because I'm lagging behind.Because I keep on postponing.
:|
No resolutions.My liability says it all.
Hope the next year is constructive.

Italian Envy !

Tried putting a catchy title.Its related to the post , of course!

My cousin went to Italy.
[ Do you know how badly I want to go to Italy ?! ]
~Envy~

For 7 days..know the places ? Rome , Venice & Florence.
[ Do you know how I'm dying to see the Colosseum ?! ]
~Double envy~

Best part about the trip ?
[ Do you know that I would want to go with the best of my best pals ?! ]
She went with all of her FRIENDS !!
~triple envy~

Why don't such things ever happen with me ? She went on a coll trip.Isn't that like Wow ?! Some coll she is in ! How I wish I'd taken up interior designing..would probably have been in her coll , city & most importantly Italy !! Yeah yeah..I'm happy for her but jealous too.
Just talked to her & she sounded too tired ..so didn't get to know much about the trip.But poor chick , didn't enjoy the food. People actually love Italian food & this girl told me that everything she ate was 'tasteless' ! lol , that's a funny thing I heard.
Never mind..who wants to go there only to eat the much famous Italian Pizza ?! Not me ! I just want to be there because I'm extremely impressed with everything I read 'bout the place & all that I saw on tv.

Anyhow , I wont ever in my wildest dreams ..dream of my coll taking me for such a trip.
But I could at least wish to go there as early as possible !
Whatever xyz thing ..magic & all that..which is suppose to fulfill wishes..just reminding YOU ..this one's on the top of my list ! So make it !!!
An envious desperate wish should never be let down , you know ?

Out of the thoughtful maze

Sometimes everything seems to be falling apart. Since last 2 weeks I have been constantly thinking of two particular things.I mean I have been thinking so much..that I've had sleepless nights. All those thoughts would remain at the back of mind , no matter what I'm doing.Its like someone's firing bullets at me ..I'm right there alone , having no reaction to it at all & then those bullets just fall over all around me , for me to pick them & think of them.Each & every bullet is a thought relating to me .They just keep coming & never want to leave me.I do not know how I'm suppose to destroy them.And I'm tired of it.Not frustrated but exhausted.I then visualize holding a shield to let all those bullets bounce back.Bullets never bounce back , I know that.But these are 'thoughts' & I want to shoo them off.I want to get into the state of thoughtlessness.Having nothing on my mind.But its difficult not to think of anything when you are awake & doing nothing. But I really need some peace.Lots in fact.

I then sit back & it looks like there are several different people inside me , speaking to me.The optimistic,the dark,scared,fearless,confident,skeptical & many more . Each of them has their own theory on my perplexed thoughts. No suggestions from anyone , just the pros & cons. And if you want to make a choice between two things & all kinds of possibilities have been laid down for you , the already perplexed thoughts go from bad-to-worse.I feel like making every inner calling of mine numb & dumb.I just ask them all to 'shut up' , because I want to talk to the real me.What does she have to say ? What does she thinks ? No she doesn't wanna think at all.Because she wants to follow her dreams - day dreams or pipe dreams - whatever the world may label it , she just wants to make it !! Striking the right chord.

I feel I have created a maze for myself.And I don't know the way out of it.I'm in there , running in every direction , in every lane - dark, gloomy or bright..running & running .. just wanting to get out of the massive thinking.And I soon realize that I'm back to the point where I started from.Its a maze .. so that was bound to happen.But I'm not afraid.I'm not hyper either.I just want to get the hell out of it.Every brick in maze is a thought.As I pass by , each brick says me something.And as I said..I just don't want any more thoughts ! I don't want to ponder over any of those thoughts ! I need to get some special chip inserted in my brain which would keep all the trash away from my mind.All that disturbs me.Wish the scientists are working on it ?

And lastly , it looks like a jigsaw puzzle.Some pieces are missing , some are vague , some destroyed , some unavailable. And so I don't have the prefect picture as I could never integrate the puzzle.Looks like I just need to leave it at that.I shouldn't be thinking about my thoughts , the passion & the conscience.Let it all just naturally fall into its right place.I'd push it all on my destiny.Now , I'm not the kind of person who 'd ever say that or want to .I still don't like saying that.I'd never want to keep things saved for my fate.If its my dream - it has to become my property for real , & destiny ain't gonna get any credits for that.If its the conscience - oh well , that comes first anyway. So I take it back . And now I speak - I'll create my own destiny. I'd make things work for me the way I want them to.Its just a matter of time .That's yet another cliched line that every confused thinking person wants to say.But the fact remains , it holds true.You could never tell of times - anything can happen.

So no more thinking & no more thoughts.Thankfully dad gave me lot of work to keep me busy.And I must say I don't know half of what I'm doing.But I do have to use my mind to do the work.Its tedious but I'm loving it anyway .

And of course , I'm out of the million-thought-maze.Had a bird-view of that puzzling maze & I must say I created some state-of-the-art thing, lol. They would actually want to declare it a wonder of the world.....I never mentioned that those bricks were embedded with gems & the lanes were lush push ..not the red-carpet-welcome type but the green lawns.I had environment on my mind lol.
I haven't completely stopped thinking. Its just those particular thoughts , that have been bothering me that are kept at bay. I hope I've got over it.
Yes I have !! I'm content with myself.I'm happy.I'm just gonna move with the flow.

And now I'm thinking of the incomplete work & dinner.Yeah , I'm hungry. ( Somebody might just want to say - all the time ? :P )