Idiot is Boxed.

For the next two years I might only curse myself when I look into the mirror and question what the F have I done to my life.
But this time I cannot blame anyone except -  myself.
( Somehow passing on the blame had become so convenient , I forgot what a scapegoat I'd become.)
So am gonna have to adjust to that.
I'm gonna have to adjust to the fact , and drink the regret/guilt that this could have been a prettier picture.

For an year I fought with my mind's innumerable voices..my indecision nucleus...and now when I'm concluding it - it feels so stupid I'd rather eat up the year gone by.

Its not so much about the time wasted or given...its about the final product.
What I did with it in the end.
And its killing.

I weighed my options so much and so many times that I killed every instinct and intuition there was to my passion.
It all just rotted while the time flew by.

But I guess its good enough that at least I'm gonna start doing something . I'm scared how it will turn out to be. I'm scared I'm not following what I wanted to. I'm scared that I'm jumping into a race.I'm scared I'm not going to a good college.

BUT

I'm just gonna go do it.

Because I'm an IDIOT.

An idiot who has vague plans to follow or do something about her big dream after 2 yrs!!

I'm mad with myself. Very very mad.

And I don't know what to do of my cousins.
They're supporting me like I just got myself into Harvard :P
How stupidly funny every damn thing is! :D

'Extra Attention'

 Its tough to impress dad. I don't make much of an effort to get noticed ..but somewhere I'm desperate for him to appreciate & acknowledge ONE damn thing that I've done or  that I do.
OK I'm aware there isn't anything *very* impressive about me either . .  .but only so much for my creative inputs!!

I still follow what he says...'you don't need certificates from others..you need to certify yourself..that's more important' 
But I demand to know what harm would a little active encouragement do ?

And he asks me why do I need extra attention ?!
Booom boom boom!

Of all the things that I dislike the most is that he NEVER appreciated my music skills.
My music sir may praise me , tag me fav & talented student ( which I genuinely feel is an exaggerated form of encouragement ) but dad ?!?

NEVER!!

Whats more annoying & hurtful is when he declares I'm yet to have proper sense of music.
Where as I'm good enough! I know that because I can feel it in every beat of my heart when I play it!
I know how to play , what speed to play with...and I can harmonically balance the taal and raag. That's what sir has always appreciated me for!!

Agreed..I stopped giving music exams. I haven't learnt a new raag since two years. But I still enjoy playing whatever I've learnt. And I am pretty good at it!

Damn.

I've given up on this episode though. I avoid touching the piano or harmonium when he is around.
I like to play when I'm alone. Without any listeners. Without being judged. ( Except if its appreciated :P )
Just for myself.

Wow! And do I even need to mention the power of music ? Its splendid!

You don't need drugs.

Best company to have when there is no company :

i pod!

> It doesn't bicker
> It doesn't gossip
> It calms you down
> It makes you forget everything else.
> Great booster for brisk walk.
> It channelizes your anger. ( extremely helpful for me :P)
> You listen to it and even when you slip a few words - it never gets mad at you. Also , it replays :P
> It listens to you too..in a way. All of your mental notes.
> Never to get bored of. Never!
> F--k , it makes you happy. Simply! 

:-) Ok I don't even need to mention I'm hyper at the moment :) :D


Three things I'm absolutely lovin right now : 

3G Internet connection ( Finally able to view streaming videos!! Earlier I had to wait a good 10 mins for a 1 min video to buffer :O  )

Nissan micra ..sexy snazzy car.. love driving it ;-)

Brisk walk with ipod plugged in.

** Someone posted on FB - "You don't need drugs to make you feel  high"
Someone else replied " True. Your dreams are enough"
:-) And I want that feeling. I want that chase.

How to Kill Boredom

Most ridiculous suggestion ever  :


GET   MARRIED !!


I'll shoot the next person who says that to me.

I've found it funny so far..but now its really getting insulting :-|

The moment of momentum

Its as if I've got a personal  undisclosed disguised messenger who has finally done its job...with no instructions from me but a secret wish that it took over & delivered.

I feel so relieved today. Its that sense of freedom. Like someone snatched all my fights in one single stroke. Or maybe just put a timely end to them.Either ways..my wait has paid off.  The trash is scrapped. All the basic stains are removed. There's a clean canvas to paint on. And there's a bright picture in my head :)

A good beginning ...or in fact only a beginning in itself is a kick-start & a promise to a journey.
I would hault but am sure I'm not going to stop now.
 I was worried if there would be a beginning at all since my basic obstacles were difficult than all the other problems I expected to sprout.
Now there's  the route , means & destination that needs to be zeroed in , for which I've gained much more momentum than I ever thought I would!

I'm excited. And whatever in hell makes all my excited plans go kaput be bloody damned ! Because I'm bloody going to make things work.This very time.

There's something called hopes & wishes after all.That very  thing that I've been breathing on.
Its time to LIVE.

When I am hyper...

Things don't always go RIGHT.

A] Hyper + being freaking mad = BAD idea.

B] Riding a bike in scorching sun = Superbad idea.

C] Getting a NEW "stylish" haircut = DUMB idea.

D] Fainting ; simultaneously  puking out  frappe  = GROSS

A + B + C + D
Is
Equal
To

Feeling like a f***ing moron.

Dang it!

• Its a bit strange that nobody picks up the phone when I badly want to talk to just anyone. And a lot of ppl call when I have a relatively occupied day.
• All excited plans go kaput!
• Some friends are unreachable even at normal hours.
• Mom screamed loudly when I was driving as if I got someone under the car.It was SO embarrassing.
• My exams were bad worse ever.Its a shame.
• A day before an exam , there are considerable number of activities going online.Fb seems to have a lot to offer.Lot of blogs to read etc. The day after exam ( when I'm FREE ) - there's a lull.
• I bought a stylish sari for myself  ( !!!!! ) and I'm not too sure if I'll be actually wearing it anytime soon.My second thoughts are a secret and mom shouldn't come to know about it. 
• I still can't believe I went shopping to buy a sari.
• I guess I've got bats in the belfry.I list it under what happens when you turn 20.My friends would say I've been 'forever crazy. twenty is just an excuse.'

Ufffff !

Ringtone Blues!

Two things - One :  I set highly disturbing ringing tones for my cell phone.
Two - Am an expert at playing around with my cell with such ease that it melts within my fingers and SNAP -   it SLIPS out dropping with a thud , sometimes breaking into parts making me terrified and giving a mini heart attack only to rejoin with little scratches here and there - working condition almost perfect.

Third thing is I'm an idiot.Bloody idiot.

We were playing tennis on Nintendo Wii.My cell phone was in the right pocket of my tracks.It rang loudly
[ ringtone : The song Remember the Name by Mike Shinoda. ]
I cannot miss picking up my phone no matter what! And the ringtones I keep are the kind which make me restless if I let them carry on for few seconds.
So out of this hyper habit of mine - I pulled out my cell keeping it in my right hand along with the Wii remote.
The Wii remote has a strap attached to it which you've gotta wear around your wrist while playing.
The chance of the remote slipping out of hands is almost nil.
I don't even have to mention the chances of a cell phone dropping out  -- out of my hand.

The game was at its crux and I had to hit a shot.
What happened next is no suspense.I hit a shot ..and my cell displayed its Frisbee qualities:
flew , fell but unlike frisbee - it broke.
Thankfully it didn't  hit the TV !!

However I don't understand -

Why did I have to take out my cell ?
Couldn't I wait till the game ended ?
What's PAUSE meant for ?

Bloody hell.

All this even as am chanting : All Hail Nokia!

My cell is absolutely FINE.

Nokia Rocks!

Oh btw , Nintendo Wii is a super cool game! Scores less on graphics.Extremely good @ motion sense.

That doesn't mean I'm finding excuses to shun away from real sports.
Playing badminton and so so so loving it :)

Culture Vulture

My parents say Slumber parties are 'not in our culture'
Huh
I'd like to know if there's anything AT ALL* in our culture ?

*favorable to me.

I'm eager to adopt any other culture that allows me freedom for convenient camaraderie.

My clan needs to be taught about what FRIENDSHIP means.A brand new detailed definition.
That goes in my list of things to do before I die.

I'll animate like one of those Yahoo audibles
Badabing Badaboom Baadabong  ...Sucker!
@ Culture

Color blind

Is there a way to wring the neck of IRONY ?
I was so superbly happy yesterday & day before..wasn't I ?
And there..just when I've kept it at the last corner of my mind - the irony - it comes to me right when am at my hyper best.

I usually THINK & wonder about happiness & the excitement around it to the point where I turn morbid & conclude something really godforsaken is about to happen in a blink of an eye.I just KNOW it will but meanwhile I do not waste a single second in enjoying my euphoric phase.
And yet..at the back of my mind..there are colors I don't see , there are empty paint buckets that I assume are contained with fresh paint colors.There's a faint restlessness.As if a faded color.Unnoticeable.

It happens often.I'm used to the irony.Something grills me completely, inside out .
This time however , I didn't see it coming .I wasn't prepared at all.

How do you undress disappointment ?
Howe do you undress awkwardness ?
How do you undress excitement ?? Of all the things on earth ..I want to shun away THIS !

How I wish I never talked of X Y Z.
How I wish I never met X Y Z.

The disappointment muffler ?? The one that is wringing my neck right now ?
How come I didn't perceive some colors ?
How come my vision was disoriented ?
How come I do not have a wide view of spectrum ?
How come ...Nothing Lasts Forever ?

How ?

I'm color blind.That's why.
I need a Life.
Paint my life.

Will someone kill Irony ?

I ain't crazy.Almost every color is driving me M A D because I know there are different COLORS but I see the same shade.

Inexplicable.

Short curiosity killed the Tall Cat

Recently the only time that I strongly felt guilty of being short was when I was surrounded by three towering people in an elevator.Now in that tiny kind of place..I was pushed to the back..one of the three TALL giants facing me , another towards my right & the third one towards my left - I felt like a lamb in a herd of giraffe. I just wished I was one of those fantastic 4...so that I cld stretch myself up to their level.

I knew all the three of 'em.That made it worse.It was like being surrounded by not just tall but familiar giants.Almost mocking me for being short :(

So the three of 'em were talking bout their result being declared.And my tall already hyper friend went super hyper on knowing that the result's out.I knew I sld be scared of this girl for being so anxious.Because when she is super hyper...she blurts out unnecessary things.I don't know when & how & WHY , but all of a sudden she said , "M..she is N "
Huh I was staring at her like I had suddenly transformed into a lioness from a lamb .I didn't know if I sld slap her first or say him 'Hi' first.I managed neither. I was frozen.

I knew the guy is M.That one person I been talking to online on & off since last three yrs.
M & I have more than a dozen mutual friends & acquaintances.But I'd never seen him nor had he ever seen me.
I had told my friend of him because I was curious to ensure that he is M.The other day both of us got to know he is M.But I was stubborn that I wldn't go & talk to him since he always seemed to be more interested in talking to me. Fair enough ?? Fair enough!
All these yrs , M occasionally asked me my cell no. & I gave lame excuses like I was sharing my cell with mom :D on which he said that he wasn't going to call me . So I was like..Oh good , whats the point then ? :P
I just found it a bit too weird to keep contact with M when I had only known him online.Maybe I bother too much bout what others might think.And since we were in a close network , I thought we'd naturally meet some day. I just wanted to keep it this way.

BUT to be introduced THAT way ..was embarrassing specially when my friend didn't know him at all ( except his name ) All I told my friend was that if he wanted to talk to me..he sld have been the first one to do so.But guys are difficult. :- to understand , keeping M in mind. And my super hyper friend is even more difficult to handle !

I'm dead sure he knew who I am .And yet that day he said , "Ohhh..I didn't know"
That was far from being innocent.
Liar!

This is the first time I've met an online friend/acquaintance.I was comfortable meeting him for the fact that he wasn't a complete stranger. And yet..I didn't want to be the first one to go upto him & talk.All I can say is people are so different when you chat to them & so different when you meet them in real & I'm saying this even when I did not talk to him much.
But somehow I tend to paint a picture in my mind of how that person's body language must be. Assumption as it is..bound to have variations.

If someone chats to me in simple normal English..I have a different picture of that person in my mind .And if with those same words ..dat person wld tok 2 me in dis rathr common chattin style of eatin lettrs..I'd have a very different opinion/picture about that person.
I know thoughts matter more than a person's chatting style but I somehow always seem to analyze or picture them on the basis on their typing , lol. WICKED!

Anyway. Curiosity killed the Cat. If I hadn't been so curious to know who M is , I wld have never spoken bout him to my friend , and then my friend wld have never introduced us in a way that wld have left me feel so dumb.
It was even more embarrassing when the third tall person, M's friend chuckled & asked him "Offline ??"

Conclusion :
Super hyper friends can do senile things.Remind them to keep their mouth shut.

People you talk to online are very different in reality. Not good or bad , just different from what you assume them to be.

Guys are difficult.

The title is senseless.

$ Richie Rich $

"Don't you sometimes feel like marrying a rich guy & living off on his expenses ?"
"Not that I didn't think of that one..its just now that I've decided to keep that option open."
lol

I cried few days back ..all of a sudden because I realized how super jealous I am of some people in particular . Some rich people :P

I cannot digest the fact that am not having an opportunity to enjoy life the way I want to. And its sooooo envious to watch others making most of their times.I'm certainly happy for them as I'm close to the people in question here...but I'm still jealous.

Confession maybe good for the soul.
However its not helping ease the pain.

I can't wait to be rich. Who doesn't wanna be rich ? Thats not the issue.I want to be!

I've even built up hope on the basis of a family palmist's predictions on my life :P
I know its stupid to plan life that way.And moreover he can be wrong.Just like he said I'd get married at 22.
The latter one should turn out to be untrue but I have no complaints with the former one - being very rich :P

I do not want all the money in the world to brag about it to others.
I want it for myself . I have an exclusive wish list & I wanna make it!

My mum's sis can never stop talking bout the money she has :P Its so funny! I do not idolize her at all :D loll
And then totally opposite to her is my maternal aunt ..who is 10 times richer & yet she doesn't have an ounce of arrogance . She NEVER brags.
I love her for that!
And I love G too , her son. He is sooo unbelievably down to earth!

To the point now

To the $ Riches $

$ I'm joining your league soon $ :P

Don't let the cat...

Am scared of cats.Like am really really really scared of cats!! So much so that if I were a heart patient , I would have had a heart attack just by seeing a cat. I won't mind admitting that I hate cats.

I squeal whenever I see one anywhere around in my home.And my home is like an illegal residence for cats.There are bout 3 cats that keep on wandering inside our home at their convenience.We've tried to scare them..lol..yes we have tried shooing them away so many times but looks like they just love our home.Animals love our home.And am freaking scared.

So it so happened that one of cats quickly brought in 2 kittens inside my parent's bedroom & occupied an open drawer which had some silk clothes.I squealed in my trademark style & did everything possible to not let the cat bring in the 3rd kitten.Now you must be thinking it is sweet to see a kitten ? Trust me its not! Not that of a roadside kitten.They are tiny..apparently cute ..but dirty lol. I got goosebumps when I saw them cosily relaxing.And the maid at my home kept on scaring me more that the cat may attack me if I do anything to the kittens.Not that I intended to do anything to the kittens apart from just getting them the hell out of my home..but it still freaked me out just imagining the cat's attack : Did I mention I'm scared of cats ?

So I called over the watchman of our colony to get those kittens out.When my grandma reached home & heard of this catty tale ..she went hyper with all the sins and stuff.Honestly I myself felt a little bad for letting the kittens away from the cat. So we called over the watchman back & put the 2 kittens along with its sibling at the backyard :P Later on my maid told me that the cat was smelling its babies.Its like the cats do not take back the kittens if they are touched by anyone , she told me.

I'm not generally superstitious but if its anything to with the cats , I'm the first one to take charge.So when my grandma said it would be sinful for us to separate the cats & kittens , I felt bad.Not for the sin again..just the cat & the kittens , lol.

True they were dirty but really cute to watch.Barely opened their eyes , their tiny hands & legs.I clicked.And it moved with the flash.I disturbed the poor kitten's sleep.

And mine too.I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight fearing the cat all set to harm me.It comes from nowhere : I once cried ..just few months back , over the same issue. That time , it looked all ready to kill.Maybe its just my imagination but If I ever go insane ,I request , sue the cat!!!

See ? I'm still so freaked out & hyper.And obviously I ain't gonna put the pic up here.

Namesake & derivatives!

The chapter of nicknames in my life.
Today I was just wondering what'll people have called me over so many years.The nicks that is.
So when I was a little toddler , I was nicked Dolly.
My father called me Doll , & mum sticked to Dolly.
I think the nick is too silly as of thinking of it now..but I never minded hearing it all these years.
I love being called Doll though , I was a doll ;)

My friends did not know of my nick in school for a very long time let alone to call me by it.
But my real name had several derivatives.From
'Nammu' to
'nammo' to
nimmi' to
'naaaaamrata' to
'Nimbu' :P lol
But most of them , on my request still called me Namrata.I consider it a beautiful name , quite old & common it maybe but then its my name..so..yeah you know :P
I'm ok with all of the derivatives except 'Nammo!' Its too Punjabi-ish & I do not have problem with Punjabi names as such but I don't like it anyway.
My fav is Nimbu :D lolll its so funny, .. this one classmate used to always either call me Nimbu or money-order , the latter one according to him rhymes with my surname but it does not , lol.

Neighbors - the gujjus have always been calling me dolccha :P lol
One of my distant relatives used to & even now calls me dolchi .In fact , even most of my cousins too call me dolchi / dolchhu /dollam .Thank god they haven't yet hopped to Dollar !

A lot of times earlier when friends used to call at home and ask for 'Namrata' , for a second or too my granny used to wonder who is Namrata :S lol
Or if mum/dad picked up the phone , they'd be like "Namrata your phone" ( with a grin or chuckle ) as if doll/dolly is their daughter who is sleeping or watching TV & who-so-ever this namrata girl is - just give her the goddamn phone!!
Like I was 2 persons in myself ,lol
cellphones have taken over now , sigh of relief!

When I was young , my maternal uncle used to call me Chicku.Although I've been lovingly nicked chicku by my dad & I loved being called that only by my dad , my uncle used to deliberately tease me with the nick.
I do not know what story followed up & then the last thing I knew was my namesake had fallen over to Sonia Gandhi
LOL
There's obviously no kind of relation & I still do not understand why my uncle teased me with that name.I think prolly coz I used to fume .Thats what teasing is meant for , huh ?
He & other cousins also used to tease me by calling me Haldirams *glares* coz whenever I used to go stay with them , I'd always get haldiram sweets for them.Uh huh
Koi logic nahi hai.Get off your sherlock holmes mode!

Umm lemme think more.What else have I missed ??
They nicked me Vishal too ..LOL
Haha!
That silly moron guy used to fight with me in school in our 8th grade & he was the one responsible for letting my nick out in school ( dolly ) .So these other guys started teasing me by his name.
So when I'd be around , they'd say " Hi vishal" Or just hoot Vishaaaaaal!
Indirectly that had turned into a nick.

Last but not the least , 'Dolly icecream' lol
You know of that candy - mango dolly, don't you ? Its yum btw :P

I'm to the blogsville - Sugar Cube ! Official.
No more derivatives ok ?

Being Nineteen!

I've officially turned 19 today!! :)
.....that wasn't a real smile.Turning older isn't ecstatic. But I'm still happy because its totally MY DAY!! :)) And moreover I still feel 16 :P
Ok so unofficially I'm already 19 years + few months old i.e according to my passport birthday :P
And according to my Hindi calender b'day , I'll turn 19 in a fortnight :D
But since the world celebrates birthday only acc to the REAL English calender birthday.Today is the day! *cheers* lol

My birthday kicked off really well ! :)) 6 of my cousins , 4 of them my first cousins made a conference call to me. I couldn't stop laughing for the first 2 minutes of the call.It was so overwhelming.. All of 'em singing the b'day song for me , giggling - harmonical chaos :D
We all talked for 34 mins & with 7 people in all speaking on phone , it was definitely a total mess.But I soooo enjoyed it! What more do you want at midnight ?? :P

And of course there was the bullying session that went on.Not mine.This other cousin of mine whom we all love to rag! Then I had to remind them all that its MY birthday & not the bully day.So they hopped back to me asking me my bday resolution :S
I kicked the conversation back to the bully cousin :D lol What resolutions on bday ?? Study more ?? Nah! I cannot do that! :P

So far so good..my school friends seem to have forgotten to wish me :| most of them always wish me midnight.Hmm I'm still waiting for their calls!
Apart from that 2 of my friends actually forgot my b'day.And I knew they would.So I texted them " Whats today ? 6th of Feb , my b'day! SO WISH ME!"
lol
With apologies they wished me.I didn't want to hear sorry.I just KNEW they wouldn't remember to call me & hence I reminded them. Chill buddies ;) It doesn't hurt me when these close ones do not wish.Simply because I know they genuinely forgot to wish me.However it hurts me when some other cousins do not call me even though I know that they are not the ones who would make an effort in remembering to wish me.Strange!
I better forget their birthdays.But no matter how hard I try ..I always remember birthdays.

Yes yes..I'm super-hyper today lol!

Its just mid-day.There's lot more for today.No partying though.I do not enjoy partying anymore.Not after last year's bday bash fiasco that landed me up in heavy bill in spite of it being a combined party :(

Coming back to feeling 16....
....to be continued..

When money weighs relationships..

My grandma says to my super rich maternal uncle " Why do you spoil your health exhausting yourself so much by constantly traveling ? You don't even have a daughter.So what is the need to earn so much money?

Where on this earth did that come from ?? If I reverse the words , all it means is you need to earn money only if you have a daughter ???
:|
I was so angry I wanted to break all the furniture at home.That was just so crap!! And she said it to my uncle?!! :|
Actually that kind of leads to just one single point.Why having a male child is so important.I know generally people these days say that they are not biased about having a son or daughter.But deep deep deep down in their hearts... they want a son!!

Sometime back we were discussing the same issue at home.I honestly put my views & blabbered out ' People want a son..so that they can see him as someone who can take up the business & earn money for them'
My dad almost laughed.
Then he said ,'No kid , a daughter gets married' .marriage again ??.. '& goes away' ..oh yeah blah blah..please finish this up ASAP.I'm just so uncomfortable talking about weddings. 'Parents want a son so that their kid stays with them all their life.Thats plain happiness.But that doesn't mean they don't love their daughter enough.'

My turn to laugh.I chuckled.I know all that.
Albeit I do agree that my father meant it!
But GENERALLY I don't think thats true.Maybe partly true,but not otherwise.

I'm overreacting, I know.But I'm really mad at my grand mom.That was a definite attack on daughter-hood!! And How on this earth can I bear it ??? ..I ??..the world's not so great daughter - but a daughter after all .

There are times when I feel like a liability to my parents , like being a daughter is a liability.But those are just sad-I'm-useless-times which I get over in a couple of hours.I mostly feel that way when I do nothing great & am given everything great.They aren't asking for much anyway.They love me & I love them.

And thats enough to tell me that I'm that one precious pearl of all the pearls strung in the necklace of life.

Cheers to being a daughter!

All that jazz..

=>So after all the family re-union & stuff , I'm receiving shocking news about few people I know.On one side I was so happy & on the other I'm nothing but SHOCKED.Not dumbstruck.No nervousness.No kind of rage. Just a light side of shock.

Its about the two-faced people. :|
Its sad.I feel sad for them.

All I need now is a pool of money to spool them up with!
Can't wait for life to give an opportunity to enable me to shower money on some...some...yeah those people.Those really cruel ones.Snake in the grass!

Vengeance !

=>Prayers !! I'm losing faith in God..am I not ?? I have to make myself pray.It doesn't come naturally any more.Or may be I'm just too ashamed to ask him for anything.

=>Diabetes has started its work.Attacked my dad's eyes.
I've become stone-hearted.I somehow wanted to feel my pulse racing.I wanted to cry.
But it didn't happen to me!
Have I become too selfish ? Or is it just that I was sure every thing's gonna be fine ?

=>Even though I haven't started earning yet ..not even my bloody stipend , I've decided what I'm gonna do with my first pay & all that follows.
Donate to a Diabetes research centre.
That won't be much but haven't we heard of the phrase...Many a little makes a mickle ;)

=>I'm going to be a great cook! No more postponing now.I need to get started with cooking.Its gonna be lots of fun.I loved making tomato soup yesterday. Chopping is fun too :P

=>I hate braggarts.But I hate over smart people more.Stay away you fools!

=>I've started working out finally! I had decided to work out somewhere in the month of April but then being me what I am , I kept it for some 'later' day.
Its good to sweat out.Its even great to have a feeling of guilt while gulping a molecule of sugar.

- Time to look for a good choreographer.I want to dance in the next wedding!! -

Sizzling & sliced

Sizzling - I had a great time!
Sliced - Few dark feelings ..terrible I must say

Went to a cousin's wedding which was at Lonawala.
For starters , half the people couldn't recognize me.I met most of them after a span of almost 2 years.They were like "Ohh you are.....". At first I thought maybe I'm looking better than ever before.Few hours later I realized I'm looking awful than any any anytime before!! >> My granddad couldn't recognize me! And yes , got some mixed responses regarding my weight.
Anki - " You are looking thinner" ( Whom I'd met just few months back )
Bubble - "Omg!!! Your cheeks !!" I know I know I know..my chubby cheeks !
Xyz relative -" I was wondering who you are...whats the secret behind putting on ?" SECRET? Did you just say secret ?!!?
Anki's bro - " Haven't you put on a little?" Everyone started laughing coz by now almost everyone had commented. So he said ," Oh right , maybe I shouldn't have said 'little'." Everyone laughed again.
Grrrrrr. I wanted to go somewhere.No! I wanted to just go running over the treadmill! Or in an easy way , to be just able to pluck the plump out of my face!

Ok now what's with everyone ??! I'm not fat! My cheeks are not just chubby , they often swell which is I suppose a problem related with blood circulation etc etc..& grrrrrrr I was so mad with myself.*
THEN as if this wasn't enough , for spoilers I just realized I'm nowhere close to good at dancing.Or if not that , at least nowhere close to my counterparts*.I mean my cousins are amazing dancers !!
And they all were looking great as well! I was awestruck with the kind of dresses each one of them had donned.Not that I was feeling ill about it , but just just ..just..a little jealous* ..yeah ..Nooo..it was something like ..someone's beating you blue & yet you cannot scream.You cannot hide.You cannot run.The most eligible antidote for it is shopping - super shopping - which at the moment
You
CANNOT
do!
To be a lemon among strawberries is some goddamn task , trust me.
*Three nails by now in the coffin of my passionate-feelings.
[ Looks & body , dance , clothes! ]

Moving over to the sizzling part , the wedding was simple superb! My cousins said they weren't enjoying as much as they did in the 2 weddings prior to this one , which I had missed , but for me this was fun.Probably because I met everyone after a long time & also because it had been years I attended a full blown marwari wedding.And I knew what I fool I was to skip the other 2 weddings.

For the dance , they all kept forcing me to perform , encouraging me & praising me while practicing , but in the end I didn't turn up.I wasn't feeling like dancing solo because my dance wasn't choreographed well.And yes , I'm a sucker for praises & compliments in things I enjoy the most.Not that it matters a lot, but it just matters to me when I'm among my peers.Dancing has always been one of my passions and there was no way I was settling for just a cold smile & few well-arranged-cheers.So I skipped it. Didn't regret at all.
And had a burning desire to reinvent the passion in me.Next time , I told myself.

The food was too good.Specially the lunch on second day which was from the bride's side.There were so many dishes & I thought even if I tasted every single thing , it'll be equivalent to eating the meal. I did not even think twice while taking over the sweet the second time just because it was so mouth-watering.I mean I forgot all the comments about my weight.Cannot compromise on good food ..NEVER.

The first night I was present with them , we took off from the resort at midnight to have hookah :P I know its crazy , but I was wanting to smoke like all my male cousins.But the place was closed down.So we returned & stayed awake till about 4 in morning - chatting , laughing , having fun.
The next day we headed for hookah again during afternoon.I just had 3 or 4 rounds of it.Since we had some time left , we went over for a drive ahead & stationed at a point.Beautiful scenery.
I'm not a good photographer , so no pics this time.

And then on the second & last night we all were together , Rach & I decided that we gonna make everyone stay awake till wee hours in morning & of course to have loads of fun.It was almost 1.30 am by the time all the ceremonies ended.And before we could catch the guys,they had gone to bed.But Rach & I knew how to force people to stay awake :P & so we did! Played cards , joked around , laughed , discussed love-marriages vs. arranged-marriages , careers etc etc.
Finally when there was nothing to talk about - I still wonder how could that be - everyone went to sleep.It was about 5.30 am.And I know how badly I wanted that time never to end.I woke up at 8 since I had to leave early.Again, my heart was pacing with the feeling of going away from everyone after having a wonderful time.
But then , all good things come to an end. Why do they have to anyway ?

What remains are the memories.I'm just too sentimental about these things.I shouldn't be because it hurts when I remember those moments.I did not realize how much am gonna miss them all but once I left them & was alone at home , I couldn't stop myself from crying.That doesn't happen with all of them.Its not a good thing to attach your heart to too many people.And of course , not to the one you are having little feelings for.......

In these two days , I liked someone.Not a crush or falling-in-love but just liked him.And the dark feelings kept crawling nearer to me because I knew I'm not going to get to meet him & to know him more.I had butterflies in my stomach & I hated myself for even imagining of asking him out..lol.How crazy could I be at times ? I told Anki about it.And she was like ' Oh good , nice guy ..should we initiate the talks?' lol ..I said no.I knew she was just kidding but I also knew she wouldn't ever understand what that feeling was & what it meant to me.

The time flew like crazy.I'm back & writing about it now ..checking out the pics twice a day.Feeling very lonely.
Can't wait to be with all of 'em again for the next wedding in April.And boy , how I wish he too comes there :P

Mystically mystified : 2

So tell me , if I achieve something in life ..who should get the credits for it ? Just my 'good luck' or my 'hard work'?
What will you do if you get to know the answer ?
Oh please ?!
No seriously ? Look if I say its your Hard work that has been the ONLY reason for your success , it'll inflate your ego.
If I say its your good luck , you'll feel lucky.So..
Thats not an answer.
What are you going to achieve by knowing it ?
Thats not even the point.I want to know!!! Just like you say our lives have been already written.So suppose if I attain something by working my breadth out , am I not worthy of the credits ? Is it just luck we all have to push it upon ?
So you want to have all the things in life without working hard ?
No..but ..oh yeah , could I be that lucky ? :P
Luck plays an important part.It sets the foundation for your goals.It opens the doors for a lot of opportunities.BUT , if you do not wish to work hard ,you are not going to get anything in life.
But if its written...that I'm going to..then who could stop it anyway ?
Like I said..you want everything in life without working hard.But you must know , that is against the law of nature.
And what if even after working hard , I don't get what I want ?
Bad luck as some may call it...practically , I'd suggest just one thing - be prepared for the worst.No matter how confident you are.
And listen , everything happens for the good.Never complain.NEVER!
Practically,all right..only so that I do not break down.But just generally..what if l don't ?
See..like if I do achieve a lot , people are going to term it 'good luck'.Won't it feel miserable ?? that... after long hours of slogging , my hard work is just good luck ? And when I fail..mostly I'll be termed as being lazy , selfish etc etc.So if my failure is given technical terms , why not my success ??
You do not need any kind of certificates from anyone.Be self-certified! Thats the biggest achievement in life.
And btw , who's really talking of hard work ? Are you ?
- embarrassing yet I'm chuckling-
I am ..I am! Ok lets forget people.
Now just tell me universally , practically non-practically , just anyhow , in any damn case... WHAT is it ?
If you throw a stone in air...it flies till some distance & then drops.While it travels through the wind with a good speed , the stone believes it is superior & strong & therefore is proud & egoistic.Stone thinks it the is one & only one who through its own capability is able to fly through.The stone takes the credit.
The wind on the other hand claims it is the one who is strong & powerful & the one which is carrying the stone.The wind takes the credit.
Good luck & hard work is similar to it.You shouldn't be bothered about the credits.It doesn't matter at all because even if you ever get to know the answer , you won't be able to change anything about it.
Make yourself strong enough & rise like a phoenix.Nothing in world can beat self esteem.Elevate yourself.

*

This is just a snippet of the conversation.I summarized it at few points.By the end of it , it got too heavy on me.I don't need more hints.I'm being asked to work hard.How really tough that gets , doesn't it ?

But I wasn't convinced with the answer.Its killing me again just like it did anytime before.

All confused ..am gone !!

The Shopping Laws

I might have pulled out about a 50 outfits including shirts , t-shirts , tunics , tops etc , from just one store. I filtered the selection & chose 10 tops finally. But that was not the end of it.I then wanted to try them all to be sure it just suits me.

# If one had a deep neck line , the other almost suffocated me.
# If one was too long , the other was too short. [ And what I wanted wasn't available ]
# If one was fitting well , I didn't like its color anyway or it didn't suit me , so I thought.
# If one just looked nice otherwise , looked horrible after donning .
# If one had weird sleeves , the other had weird sleeves too which didn't look bad when I first saw them but ....uh
For all the others , I could pull out one or two flaws regarding color , fitting , looks etc.

I bought nothing.
I was frustrated.
I felt like throwing all those clothes out of the shop, I was so mad.
I wanted to yell & ask why don't they have good stuff at all ?

[ The chiller change in font indicates the chilling madness involved ! ]

Checking out other shops , I found nothing yet again.Even if I did find anything good , it wasn't something I really needed. I , for the first time in my life went shopping for formal wear. And all I could see was party-wear. Then I decided that I'll look for casuals & not just stick to formal.But just tricking your jinx by letting it know that you are not looking for what you wanted to buy in the first place , doesn't fool the jinx ! Jinx is too smart for a desperate-shopper.

Talking of shopping & jinx , here are the shopping laws that I read some time back in a form of quote.

If you like it, they don't have it in your size.
If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it.
If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wear it.

lol.. such a thing never happened with me ( the last one ) but let me just modify the laws as per my experience.

# If you choose a outfit, and try it on - it won't fit you.
# If its a size larger, the smaller size won't be available .If its smaller, the larger size was bought by someone minutes before you entered the shop.
# If it fits you, you do not like its color.
# The other available colors won't be your favorite either.
# If you do like the color, you loath the price tag.
# That very day, there won't be any such outfit that you would find for a price lesser than what you'd seen.
# No discounts during such times.
# If you have some membership card through which you could avail of some benefits , you forgot it at home , forgetful baby.
# If at all you are ready to pay for it , somebody already bought it since you were taking ages to decide !
# You choose next thing, & you see a friend fancying the same outfit.
# Hell-bent on being different, you drop the plan of buying it.
# Later , you realize she never bought it.
# If finally you like something, it fits you , is affordable .....

............ you won't go shopping that day because it would rain heavily & by next time bang ! the outfit is swapped by someone else & you didn't even know if it did exist. Huh ?

There's a lot more to it..the laws that is.
One thing that freaked me out the most was that I'm sick since the day I went shopping & found nothing Good ! Bloody jinx!