Life is no fairytale.

You could ask if I'm disappointed with the promise the words in this title holds? I'd be very honest and conclude yelling that I am freaking scared!!

There's a thin line between being optimistic and day dreaming. And no , I'd never settle for the day dreaming which is why life is so scary. Although ironically people around me are having their fairy-tales. Not normal happiness you know. Literally fairy tales which does make me wonder at the possibilities but WAIT - I would only end up day dreaming. So I cling onto the thought that .. Life is NOT a fairytale.

3 years back so many people in the family were getting married (happily , not to mention perfect match ). Now practically its raining babies. And as of today so many people I know - friends , acquaintances , school mates are getting married , with their - ahem - absolute fairy tale stories.And look very HAPPY. It all seems like movies. So fictional ( and yet contrarily very real ). And since my beliefs are more inclined towards being realistic - I'm dead scared.

 I'm exasperated , puzzled & totally freaked out. The marriage proposals are going haywire. I'm not liking it AT ALL. I'm already not very fond of the marriage concept ; add to it marrying a complete stranger makes me fall of the edge.

I'm asked several times .. what am I looking for in a guy. And I'm clueless :o because I don't want to go about a check list. I'll just know.

But hello!! It only sounds easy. How will I know if I don't know what I want ? I definitely know what I don't want. But isn't that again like keeping a cross list ? :/

There's nobody I can talk to about this. Its so pointless. They are all gonna give me some fairytale sweets to choke up on. And I only wish to tell them..am so.damn.freaking.scared!

Dad is hardly offering any solution. He's barely offering me any solution to my other emotional debatable thoughts. I am unable to confide into him. I cannot tell him what's eating me. And all this while I never worried..because I'd think he'd eventually rescue me out of all my problems or give me proper direction , which is so not happening.

Its funny I'm thinking of all sorts of fasts that I never kept all this while. Handsome husband and all that. I never believed in it. And now am so desperate to get off my fear -  I'd do anything. Superficial. Superstitious. Just tell me. And I'll do it.

Am one year short to my quarter life (crisis). But seems like , IT -  the crisis , has decided to fall upon me too soon.

Ok . I need some air to breathe.

I could only pray for a great amount of wisdom right now...and distantly a not so perfect yet a content fairytale.

Karma

I've been spending some time reading and understanding Karma. I knew about it. Its feeded in our sub conscious right from our childhood. But I've never thought so deeply about this cause and effect circle.  And there are so many questions that I want answers for.

What are the 'good' and 'bad' things ?
Apart from ofcourse the basic..not wanting bad for someone , not seeking revenge etc.

Do thoughts count too ? Momentarily passing thoughts of jealousy , hatred or maybe even revenge ? Or is it all about the action one takes ?

If its all about Karma..the ACTIONS one takes - then what about your pre-written destiny ?

 I strongly believe in destiny.

Can the course of my destiny change solely on the basis of my Karma ?

Aren't all these laws intimidating and astonishing ?? I think its crazy!

But then the whole idea behind Karma is probably the fairness with which each person deserves to live.

And there goes the next question - who decides what we deserve ??

Crazy , no ? :D

================================================

* My idea of forgiving is to let go. I mean yes someone says they're sorry. Then you just say 'its ok' wherein completely meaning that its NOT ok - that's not forgiving , is it ?

You just got to LET GO.

* I'm blunt and rude. Really very blunt. Almost like I throw fireballs when I'm on my taunting mode. When I'm hurt. And I like being blunt. Although it doesn't filter any hurting for myself. It causes even more pain. But when you care , when it still bothers..you have to tell. If I stop..that's even more dangerous. It will mean you've lost that place. I've lost that struggle to hold you onto that place.


* Currently , happiness is dancing!

Your believing or not believing in karma has no effect on its existence, nor on its consequences to you. Just as a refusal to believe in the ocean would not prevent you from drowning.

F. PAUL WILSON, The Tomb

Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/k/karma_quotes.html#6IOEXy3Jc2A7OoM3.99

Inception Concluded.

Inception was like a riddle..a puzzle to solve.Although I had my own interpretation for the movie..what left me a little irked was that every other person with whom I discussed the movie - had an entirely different interpretation.
I had given up on it until one my friends texted me telling me her take on it which is the MOST bizzare conclusion I've heard/read.

Radz : The movie ended with Mel's dream.She was controlling all the dreams.The kids were not real.They were just Cobb's projection.

Ok. Weird , aint it ?? I mean the director must be MAD to have written the story from this point of view .Mel was dead and gone.If there was anything that was to be answered - it was whether Cobb was dreaming in the end or not ?

The problem is..Radz' interpretaion left me with more questions and doubts , even when it made no sense..So I went to see the movie AGAIN.
And despite watching the movie for the second time..I couldn't decipher the confusion!! ( which annoys me even more )

I happened to read several forums and sites that discussed the movie and analyzed it.And finally I reached to my conclusion , which I texted to my friends and cuz who were as much intrigued by the movie as I was.

 Me : Bohot soch vichaar aur duniya bhar ke lekh padhne ke baad ...hum is natijey pe pahuche hai ki 

( Hold your breath)

.

.

.

.Inception has plot holes! :D The director didn't bother to make the rules of the dreamworld clear.The movie had few loopholes which fail to explain the basic concept. ( Aur jankari ke liye, Kripya mujhse sampark karein )   Giving my obsession a dead end now.PEACE.

My bro replied.

Awin : Director ka manana hai ki dharti par paaye jane wale vibhinna manushyon ke liye yadi ek movie banana hai toh woh yehi hai.Har manav alag end sochega...aur vichlit hota rahega. Is dauraan woh movie baar baar dekh ke apni vidambana door karega.Is tarah movie ka kosh rupiyon se bhar jayega! 

 LOL :D this one's really the best conclusion :P
And then my sister replied too.

P2 : Kya uttam vichaar prakat kiye hai is balak ne .( with ref to the above mentioned msg ) Aur director ke isi maayajal  ka shikaar tum ho chuki ho balike ( this was for me:P since I watched thre movie twice:P ). Ab apne in vicharo ko viram do...kyon ki apne dimag ka had se jyada upyog tumhare aur baaki janta ke hit mein nahi hai !

Haha :D  I agree with both of them! I've really invested a lot of time in cracking this movie.And it has been fun. I wanted to list down the loopholes as well but I guess its not required anymore as I've decided to wait for the next part if at all there'll be one :D

 Inception deciphered  : Make a wonderful movie ( script )

Misguide , dazzle , perplex  viewers as much as you can.

Mint money.

Honest Killer Confusion

Its so difficult to choose between passion and duty

Its even more difficult to choose between obligation & desire.

I'm gearing up to be a bit logically selfish.

I'm tired of keeping myself in a state of oblivion.

I'm tired of being fickle minded.

I'm tired of WANTING to please someone but not doing anything significant to please.

I'm tired of talking to myself.

I have a big decision to make within a week.And this time I cannot escape.

Not a coward - I simply don't have the guts to talk about changing my career.

But I MUST!

Already wasted an year doing abs nothing. I want to see myself accomplishing something good in life..be it small in volume , be it not very attractive , be it something that doesn't turn into a money machine - but be something that makes me content of doing it.

Living in a different city , hostel life , food & eating habits , being a typical shy introvert who could cry at a drop of a hat , who cannot face a minimal humiliation - that's all a different chapter to deal with.

The index itself is going to create a helluva fuss.

Perplexed Puzzle

I'm a puzzle.A wandering puzzle.A refugee.I take a dis comfortable place very comfortably in the lives of perplexed souls.As of now..I'm frequently visiting Namarta alias Sugar cube.She thinks I like her a lot but I'm unable to explain her that she is the one who invites me almost unknowingly.I come & stay as a guest.I remain for as long as she wants me to be with her.I like to irk her. I'm more than just a jigsaw puzzle.I'm not pieces.I'm cut into a hundred parts after my arrival.

Sugar cube loves to have me at times.Its fun for her to solve me.To dissolve me.But when I return , I bring along my peers.More puzzles.Sugar cube liked solving me , no ? So I thought she would like to have more of our species.But she detests.However we are not the kind of guests who fancy being ill-treated.Either solve us or bear the complication of having us.We do not disappear until our host finds a solution.

I'm a strong puzzle.But I like to come in packages.Sometimes I hoodwink.I'm assumed to be my distant relative - confusion.I like being under the wraps & I do not reveal myself until the confusion stops making sense.I'm no saint. I'm no devil either.

I come by my own will but I do not go by my will.I'm a twisted loop.A spring waiting to be stretched until it looses its elasticity.Its difficult to get rid of me but am not very difficult by myself.A calm , cool , collected creature won't spun me around & chuck me out in the garbage.Did I not tell I'm strong ? Powerful.I cannot be destroyed.I can only be solved.

Talking of sugar cube ...she has jacketed me with a trench coat of restlessness.I come as a puzzle & she makes me more of a puzzle.She now knows she is not just confused.I turned her into a battered creature.Numb she may be but I still silently hurt her.Its not my fault , really.What am I ? Just a Puzzle.Not a complication.Not a confusion.I can be solved.Don't make me eat your sorrow.Don't make me drink your anxiety.That's none of my business & yet again lemme warn you - don't leave me unattended ;)

I sleep when she asks me to go away but am still near her. I hang around her to remind her I'm still a part of a larger puzzle she already owns - Life.

She thinks she solved a young puzzle chum of mine .She cannot take the credits for that though. The young fellow had other interesting lives to attack.So the puzzle went away.She did not scare him away. She was disturbed two-three days back & I take full charge of that.Yes she can rightly blame me! Of the two things that bothered her - she has decided not give a damn for one of the two & for the other , she's talked heart-to-heart with her plum cake.All good.

I 'm observing - someone painted back a faded color for her.That resulted into her forgetting me once again.I'm on a break till the time the color is fresh.

Btw , I also happen to see that she has got a new haircut which is nothing short of a disaster.However I'm baffled , really , me - the puzzle - is baffled that she did not cry at all.No wonder how she is habitual of having terrible haircuts.Of what I remember I also saw a silhouette sitting on the staircase - staring the window - her head hung down & her palms pumping her cheeks.She did cry a little after all.
I'll be back my dearest battered sugar cube.Stay puzzled.

Puzzle , oh dear puzzle! You're funny mate! I'm waiting to kick your ass once again.

Fry my cold head

Ok looks like there's a long embarrassment week going on.
So yesterday I was finding my scooty at the parking ( something am ashamed of owning!)
No suspense here.I did find it.
The self start wasn't working.So I had to kick start.I hate to kick start.
I tried doing so a couple of times..& by the time I thought my scooty is back to life..it fainted.
Meanwhile I was laughing.I don't know what was funny about it but I was probably laughing thinking of the previous joke I shared with my friend which too wasn't funny at all.
I lost my balance & the scooty fell.
I let it fell.
And I stood there ..cold ..watching it go bang on the floor.
The way I lost the bal was FUNNY. I mean , I cldn't handle a stupid scooty ? :D lol

All this had to happen in presence of Wicked V.
That guy hates me..or he pretends to hates me or neither.
But he certainly dislikes me because he looks at me as if he is going to kill me.
Not that I hold any grudges against him for telling out my nick name to everyone in school.And then asking everyone to tease me :- jerk But I do find that guy weird.I would have given him the Kill you looks too but then am not so complicated as him :S
What on this earth is the deal with him ??! We never spoke to each other in school as soon as there were rumours that we are together. I loathed him then.Now..haven't we grown mature ? At least..I have ! :P Whereas he seems to be the same arrogant Kid!
We had started talking again..A little hi-bye talk but now he behaves as if once upon a time..I really killed him :D What is supremely funny is that..he kind of blushes when our common friends tease him.When they tease me...I just laugh.Bcoz it reminds me of how silly he'd been.I cannot make myself react angrily nor does he which is why people till this day think there's something between us lol.

It doesn't matter to me much whether or not he talks to me.Its just that my scooty shouldn't have dropped off my hands when he was there.I'm sure he was laughing :( which is embarrassing.

Ok apart from that.I missed out a point when I was talking of how online friends can be different.
I missed out saying that I must be appearing a hell lot different too.
He must be wondering - She knows am there..yet she wldn't look at me.The other day she just smiled.No hi.Nothing. Then when we happened to talk online..she was all cool. Again when we meet....she knew I was there but she quickly flipped her glance & began talking to her friend.Why does she ignore me so weirdly in public ? And talks nicely online ?

That's exactly how he must be thinking & he isn't wrong.Cannot blame him.
I'm really behaving stupidly.Not that I cannot talk to him. I'm not shy bout it.But I'm just being unreasonable. I'm unable to look at him & strike a conversation.Sometimes I feel..he wants to talk but my response has been so dull that he moves away.Its not an attitude problem either.
And its not just him.I think I do this often.I skip talking to people because I find it pathetic to flirt.But every talk isn't a flirt , is it ?? Its not!! I know I don't flirt.How much will it matter if I go ahead & speak ?
Its strange ..I am unable to - take a proper decision & act Or act spontaneously.I do neither.I just hung up cold.

You'll see it when you Believe it.

Its funny how we sit together & discuss future.Rare but some of the most special moments.
Discuss future ? Don't we all do that ?
Its kinda different in my family ..actually quite strange & funny with my dad.
It makes me nervous at times.It makes me want to fast fwd life the other times.
I wldn't prefer to go into past.I miss my childhood but I still have fun like a Kid.I watch cartoon with my younger sibling.I play along with him.I fight with him as if we are of same age.( Very immature here ) So my childhood & present is one & the same to me.
There's no rewind factor for me. Just forward. When things are clumsy & something nicer is approaching ..I wld just want to FWD time so that I grab the good things as early as I can.

A couple of weeks back ..we were discussing future.My dad wouldn't easily talk of it ..so when he does I make sure I make him spill all the beans.But he is reserved about many things.
One of the things he told me was that he sees a lot of expenditure in the near future.
So I was like..maybe its all of the left over furniture to be bought ? And maybe some of his work-related stuff ?
He repeated A LOT OF.
Oh so ?
He smiled and said he doesn't have a wink of an idea where the money is going to come from & where it is going to be spent.
lol I was amused , as always.

We discussed few more things.I tried tactfully but couldn't make him reveal more future upcoming events.The atmosphere got a little sentimental.Suddenly we ended the conversation.I wish I could derive more.Because its not everyday my father talks of our written future.

My dad can predict.He can predict the unpredictable.And all we have to do is be prepared in our lives.Nothing can be changed ..that being warned of.But he cannot ever reason as to why something will happen & How ? He just knows WHAT will happen.

Its FUNNY.It absolutely leaves me dazed.I wonder how he keeps up with things when he can see future not being very good. Its must be tough being my dad. Sometimes I also wonder ...just how he is able to pull days neatly knowing trouble is around the corner.And for the most of it..I wonder why he doesn't help me with my career. I just need him to tell me once that whatever I've chosen to do is the rightest thing.
I guess it is the right one.But I'm falling weak Dad.
I wish he tells me what I'm going to be.I mean ..after all when its all pre-decided with our destiny & all that higher level of philosophical jazz which I abs do not question as it is out of my range of understandings..it will be nice if I know what life has in store for me. So that I can begin to be THAT , begin to do what will eventually make me what I'm supposed to be.

Weird ? Yeah , this one ain't funny. Am dead serious.

There's a part of me ...the one that I'm fond of calling the Smart & Silent Believer who wants to make every living person on earth believe in destiny , luck & astrology.Prove it to them.
There's this other part of me..who thinks she can avail of the most defining experiences in life only if her dad makes it possible for her which he can but is in no hurry.

For me - Its not very important to Prove people how many amazing fantasy like things befall in and around our lives.
But if it can just strike for once...I'd like to taste the moment which I'm sure will be the most deliciously spicy dish I've ever had.

I never talk of my dad's talent to a lot of people.Not even with my closest friends.They never seen to be too keen to know.Or they never seem to understand what important , unbelievable & magical theory I'm sharing with 'em. If I sense that..I never speak of it again.But I've had enough of talking bout it to myself.
For I believe , if you know something special ...let the world know it too.
Because not everybody here is extraordinary.Really.
Don't have theories like those of the Old Egyptian Pharaohs who believed they will take Gold along with themselves after they die which is why their followers buried ornaments etc in their coffin.
Similarly Whatever it is here..enjoy it , spend it ( knowledge , money ) right here. Magical secrets need to be shared too , right here.

My belief in God has become stronger & much more confusing ever since I know of my dad's incredible talent which few more people share.But his take on life is the best I know for sure.
I've put a full stop on questioning God's existence.
Its not necessary to debate that anymore.

We see it only when we believe it.
Title courtesy : The book by the same name.

L'il Geezer in Likes

I feel stupid right now thinking of this & quite foolish too.Moreover , I'm both shocked & surprised at the same time and that too over such a small issue.
Ok so the point is that..there are times when having known a person/friend for a long time..you feel triumphant over knowing everything about them..their tiniest likings & dis likings & then all of a sudden they reveal something you'd never known ( no great secret as such ) and you wonder HOW THE BLOODY HELL you didn't know ?!
I felt an urge to ask my friend " Ah , you never told me"
And I could imagine the reply being , "Oh , you never asked me!"

But then..when my friend told me of her likings in things that I thought she was least interested in..I could see a smug on her face.As if she outwitted me. That made it worse.
Damn! 4 years ??? And I didn't know! Such a close friend on top of that!

Anyway it was just regarding novels & English movies , lol.
But I still feel so defeated!

Damn you T !! Damn you!!
Lol! Heck! Its funny I'm bothering 'bout it.
But the lil geezer of the moment is that - No matter how long & well you a person ..there comes a time when you are ready to bet dollars to doughnuts over some aspect of their personality about which you are so confident - that turns its back on you so that you end up losing dollars or doughnuts..as the case may be ! :P
Not always but at times.
I still hate to remember the smug on my friend's face ! Damn you T !!!

'Last'...Get Lost!

I do not like anything that has got to do with being LAST.
They say , all good things come to an END.I don't like that either.I'd rather put them on hold than end.But its not always feasible & am the kind of person who gets easily attached to minute things/emotional activities specially when am having a lot of fun.
I loath to hear ' So this is my last day with you' even if its a person I've hardly known ( but I connect with ) or 'Last time I'm talking to you' or 'Last day at school/coll' , although nobody really likes to face the very last day at school/coll.

My heart beats faster.I feel like am losing something.Something huge.To quote the dialogue from the movie Jab we met " Aisa lag raha tha mano koi train chhot rahi ho" I feel as if I not only missed my train but everything in life.I missed catching up my life.I missed something so precious that I don't even remember what it was.
As if I misplaced tickets to a grand fiesta & am the only person who couldn't turn up.
As if I walked into the theatre after the last show is over & hopelessly wonder where everybody is ?
As if my watch stopped ticking & am not even aware of that!
As if someone ransacked my entire room & stole the repository of my lovely memories.
As if I lost my identity.
As if not my watch , but TIME froze.
As if a professional photographer just clicked a blurry picture of what would be the world's most beautiful picture.
As if I'll never be able to spend great time again!
( I could be so dark headed at times )

That particular set of juggling emotions sway me for little time.Then I get back to my normal life.
Enjoying the fiesta with the ones I love to be with!
Punctually reaching a fully packed show.
Repairing my frozen watch.
Re-collecting old stuff.
Spending a much more wonderful time than I did before.

I cannot help but make things too complicated for myself.
I over-analyze almost everything in life.
Some things should be better accepted to remain where they are instead of crying over them for being where they are! Even if it is at its LAST.
Right now all I want to tell myself is "Lets get Lost"
( First heard that on Nat Geo & completely love that liner :P )

Whenever I remember of the last days at school , I'm reminded of one of these dumbo class mates who on our farewell said ( after we were made to bow a 100 teachers & every student's parents ..what back aches , ask me !! )
"Hey what if we flunk even after all these blessings ?"
Lol! As if he was just relying on the blessings.
I'm still grinning ! :D

Systematic FRAUD

Now this is funny.Zee tried to coax me into investing money into a chain of investments which I know is totally Fraud.The factor on which it multiplies is greed.Although I still don't understand how it works & how someone falls into it - I've been badly emotinally challenged.

Its like I'm suppose to invest 750 bucks.I gotta have two more people under me and so on.With every new person added under my chain , will bring me some amount of profit , i.e they return the sum invested with profit depending on the no. of people being added. Confused ? So am I ! So am I!

One of my distant relative's son got trapped into this.In his case , the chain started off from abroad.He was to 'buy' some coins which were of no use.No antique peices or anything.But what they buy or not is not what mattered.The point was , he was supposed to invest 20k & increase the chain.He earned in return for a while..more than what he had invested.Greed clicked off there.In the end , he put about Rs 1 Lakh ( out of which his money was only about 20k ) & the person with whom this money was RAN away.Its a SYSTEMATIC FRAUD.The thing is nobody really quite knows to whom the money is actually reaching :S
And of course it was not just his money ...the fraudster made a killing.


lol ..it was funny watching him explain the process to my dad.My cousin brother must have warned him a million times but this guy was way too over-smart ;)
In their chain , they'd made it quite interesting by giving postitions to people envolved.Like the head , the supervisior..& such titles :P Lol
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Zee called me & explained everything to me.I said , I shall think about it.
Then after a while I had to reply
Moi : No , I cannot arrange that much money - I was lying - Call me miser yaa!
Zee : chal na , Petrol bech de car ka..kuch toh kar :) lol
moi : Haha! ACHHA [ I bugged her a lot by saying accha accha all the time on phone) whats the deadline anyway ?
Zee : None :( but I want to get rich soon ;) tomorrow ?
Moi : Hmm ok I'll try fudging my expenses .. CA bante bante utna toh aa hee jana chahiye :P
Zee : Try try never say die :) so you're in :) yay yay yayy!
Moi : I'll see na
Zee : :):):) Should I be :):):):):):):) or :(:(:(:(
Moi : No emotonal Atyachaar pleaseee :P Koi aur bakra dhoondh ke do kya ? :D I still don't get its logic & like you said even if its fraud ..loss will be minimum but then I cannot doobofy others! Izzat ka sawal hai :D...If you want toh 3 baar Pizza treat de deti ..ye sab chor!


After few mins , she called me
'How much would that 3 pizza treat amount to ?'
Moi : Zzzzeeee ! *lol* Should get about 750 or more.What say ?
Z : Fine.Give me the treat.Par invest bhi kar le!
Moi : One of the two !
Z : Toh phir invest..
Moi : Why do ya need the money re ? You already getting stipend! 200 extra bucks won't make much of a difference.Moreover this is fraud!
Zee : I spent my stipend to get the cell phone.And stipend comes under indirect expenses.Direct expenses ke liye kuch toh karna padega na
Moi : *lol*
What do I do ?? I just can't stop laughing!
Zee : But you start finding two or more people.
AFter 5 mins
Zee : Should I tell you a joke ?
After 5 more mins
Zee : See ? I even told you a joke! Ab toh man ja !
Moi : What bout others ? How many of you all invested ?
Zee : 4 of us.Rest 5-6 gonna pay after my cheque arrives.
Moi : Lol..then be it the same for me!
Zee : And hey , should I give a nice advice ? Don't tell your parents!
moi : *lol*
Zee : Listen..if you incurr loss..I'll give you pani puri treat
Moi : For the entire year ? *lol*
Zee : Han han..but don't have more than one plate at a time!
*lol*

The conversation went on upto 30 mins! I was wondering when this crazy zee ever talked to me for that long :P
Anyway after an hour , she texted me again.
'Kya socha ?'
Moi : Arree! chain se sochne toh de!!
Zee : Oh ok..sure but tell me an hour
Moi : Tu chain se so nahi payegi aaj...relax! Cheque toh aa jaye tera!
Zee : Nahi mujhe 900 kamane hai..700 nahi ;) dub gaye toh kya..I know how to swim , so no tension :D
Moi : lol but I don't know how to swim.You know what ? Its so funny ..the way you are making so much effort in cajoling me.I can't stop laughing! chal ab ek pizza treat toh pakki!
Zee :tujhe kya pata ..kya hota hai 2000 mai ? ( her pocketmoney) phone + petrol + eating + gift + movie
tu meri bebasi pe has mat :( *rofl*
btw pizza treat ke lite I'll be hazir anytime :)

lol ! Next morning , she gave me two missed calls.Then texted me again-
"How are you today Namrata ? How are things ?..hows life ?"
LOL! Haha.
Moi :I was just going to text you ..I'm great thanks :D How are you Zee ? ? :P Can you handle a bad update ? I'm not investing :D :D
Zee : Why why why why ?? :( :(

Ok she calls me up again! :S I was sure by this time she'll be tired of pestering me ..but she's trying too hard to make me fall into this. 750 bucks may not be a huge amount..moreover the risk is low at first stage..but I just don't wanna get into all this.I know if it works for once..she'll force me again!
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Zee is one of the craziest , coolest friends I've ever had.She'll watch a movie twice in a row just because she did not get it the first time.She'll watch Om Shanti Om thrice in just 2 weeks ( how could she bear that ? ) only to go along with different group of friends. She'll send a letter to her apparent foe with all the kinds of swearings written which will be then read by the guy's parents :D lol
She isn't miser.Greedy for sure.We all are greedy I think!
Her dad owns an ice-cream factory ;) I still wonder what more does she need in life ?? loll!

I'm to reply her by Sat max! I do have enough savings but am just not interested in making any easy money.
And everytime I think of the conversation , I just can't stop laughing!
How are such silly little things making me so happy ? :P
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I went to see P1 & P2 , my first cousins.We had a LOT of chapper chapper for about 4 hrs.At one point -
Moi : Hey..you know what ?
P1 : What ??
Moi : Everyday I wake up...
even before I could finish up
P1 : to sleep again!
LOL
Ok I agree with that.But I intended to say something else.
Why doesn't anyone let me finish saying anything ? :P

Teen Love

I'm writing bout this topic because one my friend - candy - wanted me to write about it.I'm going to point out examples from in & around my life & not just generalise this.I maybe wrong not because I don't vision it correctly , but because I suck at putting words to my vision.

First of all , Teenage is a phase where we all think we are too mature to handle anything which is a fallacy but it happens anyway.I'll quote another friend who calls it 'misguided zeal of youth'!
Its a crazy snazzy time of our lives where we want to make the most out of gossips , school/college , friends & most of all our crushes.

Love cannot be defined absolutely & its not the summation of attraction , liking , infauation et al.But teenage is that point in life where attraction rules & again its not love.Although it would be wrong to say that there's no such thing like love in teens.
Lets come out of the box.Lets just not relate this with age.Its all bout maturity , trust , faith & that special feeling for that one person in your life whom you want for the rest of your life.
So while most teens are confused & barely know what love means , they take their crush as their love.But you get over a crush once you find another.And so was it love anyway ?

K is a cousin of mine who's just 14 & so madly in love with a girl.And very serious as well.He is a sweet guy who's not one of those flirtatious boy who wants to make as many gfs as possible.I wasn't surprised when he said to me that he wants to marry that girl. Just 14 & he already wants to set his life up with her.I don't know the depth of their relationship, but in his words ..he is in LOVE.

Xyz's a friend who has dated 2 or 3 guys.She never said to me she was in 'love' with any of these guys.She just said she liked them.Didn't work out with any of those & that was mostly because what I think of it as - it wasn't just 'serious' for her.And most of all , it wasn't love in the first place.

M is about 21 years old in a 'relationship' with a 18 year old friend since last two years.
[He dislikes referring her as his 'gf' & I myself find gf-bf words quite shitty*]
He stayed away for more than an year & yet they are together.They give each other space , their freedom & there's a great level of understanding between them.He loves her & said "the first time we met..it just clicked"

There are many others I know who have a parallel story as of Xyz.What I'm trying to say is its not about age..its not just about crush..its not just about liking someone...its more about the confidence in your relationship , its all about being there for each other..its all about trust & faith..its all about LOVING each other which means you won't leave them no matter what.Its all about knowing each other , being loyal , respecting each other's thoughts & its all in the HEART.

What happened with Xyz was that she ended up fighting.A lot of people fall out for the same reason.But thats where your brain works and not heart.Am sure K & M too have those tough times but why have they still been together with their love ?? Because they know nobody can take the place of their love.

If you end up in a relationship with an intention to deceive or just for 'time pass' or just because all others around you are going around - it sure is going to drive you round the bend! But when you have confidence in each other..everything works.
Teens usually just want to take a chance.They may , they may not be in love with that same person but its all upto them.Because its all in the h e a r t.

* gf-bf sounds like you are dating someone just for the heck of it...unpredictable story.When you say you are in a relationship - it reflects confidence..maturity & it says more to yourself than anybody else ..that you truly love that person.


Candy - I might have been far away from the point you wanted me to write bout but this is all I had to say.I shall write a part 2 if you guide me through :) And hun..I'm not guns against you when I've talked of 'teens' nor have I written anything keeping you in mind.You're much beyond your age & far more muture than any teen I know. :P Love sweets!

Packing up Hope

I stayed 3 more days in Pune. Ate out everyday ..been to Bashos - cool restaurant , pizza hut & village.
Had hukkah 5 times in last 10 days but I cldnt take more than 3 puffs at a time.Was feeling so dizzy :S And I 'll try not to have it again. Kinda wastes my effort on pranayam.
Lunch was at home ( my uncle's place ) & I was finding it too hard to gulp down a molecule of that food.The cook over there cooks everything so weird.Or maybe I'm just not used to that kind of food.I missed ghar-ka-khana so much ! Nothing beats what my mum cooks.I've decided not to nag now onwards.I so under-estimated what she cooks :P Sorry mum!

One of my first cousin's got a very good job at Calyon Bank with a fairly nice package in this time of recession.He got what he was really looking for.I'm so excited & happy for him :)
That didn't help me much to stay happy for a long time because there's just one thing that blinks ahead of my idle mind - "you black sheep!"
And the only thing I say to the study-devil that hounds me is " I know I know..I need to study , but I just don't know where to start from.I'm running late as always :("

Looking back , I have always gone through that phase where I've told myself "I could have done better" but nobody really gives a damn about it because the only thing that mattered was whether I really did anything better.But I never did.Too much of the 'but' congestion in my life.
So with two of my first cousins having great jobs at multinational banks , there's obviously a lot of expectation ( from a hopeless student like me ) from this little 19 yr old girl who feels 16 , who hates exams , who wishes if she had have got into Arts , who cannot make the head & tail of accounts/tax & yet is pursing CA.

My problem is that I'm not at all confident & thats mainly because I'm not too much interested in what I'm doing.But I'm still somehow pulling time to make some other people happy around me , thought honestly speaking , I'm not trying :( which is not making others happy anyway!

I badly need to resume studying.Its been a long break..can count in months! :(
We all got together for a small dinner party at my cousin's place yest to celebrate his achievement.Went to the temple later on.I felt so good after a long time and sadly all these days I didn't seek help from god.I suddenly realized what I've been missing on.

I know God is not going to write my exams but just praying gives me a little hope & strength to open my books.He's my confidence back-up.I do feel guilty for asking for anything just when I need it ..& all that but this is important.I cannot afford to disappoint dad once again :(

Lights : camera :...Revenge!

I watched Memento.
Somebody please help me understand it too! lol
I seriously couldn't make the head & tail out of the movie.
Its been edited in a new fashion & is pretty interesting to watch as well.
But since I was pretty much confused with a lot of plots in the movie..I read its script.And YET I didn't understand it completely.
Hell , I call myself a hardcore movie buff.
Shame on me!

Ghajini is NOT a xerox of Memento.The structure - the character,the basic revenge drama & short memory loss has been adapted from the movie.But the story line has all the Indian masala that any Indian movie is apparently required to have.Whats the need I ask ? If you really want to 'adapt' something from a foreign movie , make it all the same.And earn all the bucks.:P
But then of course , memento is not a common movie-goer's movie.It comes under a different category.A movie buff like me couldn't understand it , how would just anybody else? :|
As for Ghajini , I liked it.It keeps you hooked up till the end.The emotional quotient is high.
Moi being the flawless flaw-digger wanted to highlight the weak points -

• The protagonist even after his memory loss , is in touch with his manager.Tell me what was the need for him to go all way long finding the killer ?? Couldn't he just tell his manager about him.He could have found the villain & Sanjay ( Aamir) could kill him anyhow, lol.
• Middle class girl is all pepped up with social service eh ? Cliched.I felt uncomfortable watching it.I'd never voluntarily help a blind person cross the road.He could be just a hoax :P.And this one's such a old trick - Rich guy falls for our very bubbly helpful selfless girl.
  
• What was Mr. Sanjay doing in Medical college where he meets ..Jiah? :|
• Boy! Aamir looks old.
• Asin has overdone.Its good to be outgoing , but please be a little realistic mr director ??
  

Creativity Appreciation :The music is good.Specially the song - Kaise mujhe.I think its the best sentimental song.I can listen to it 10 times non-stop.Yes, I do.
The song 'Behka' has been choreographed well.
Anger is good.Revenge is awesome.Aamir justified the two acts.

Who-so-ever reading this - Watch it to enroll yourself in making the movie super hit.Get some credits.
And watch Memento too ,to explain it to me later. Ty!

Mystically mystified : 2

So tell me , if I achieve something in life ..who should get the credits for it ? Just my 'good luck' or my 'hard work'?
What will you do if you get to know the answer ?
Oh please ?!
No seriously ? Look if I say its your Hard work that has been the ONLY reason for your success , it'll inflate your ego.
If I say its your good luck , you'll feel lucky.So..
Thats not an answer.
What are you going to achieve by knowing it ?
Thats not even the point.I want to know!!! Just like you say our lives have been already written.So suppose if I attain something by working my breadth out , am I not worthy of the credits ? Is it just luck we all have to push it upon ?
So you want to have all the things in life without working hard ?
No..but ..oh yeah , could I be that lucky ? :P
Luck plays an important part.It sets the foundation for your goals.It opens the doors for a lot of opportunities.BUT , if you do not wish to work hard ,you are not going to get anything in life.
But if its written...that I'm going to..then who could stop it anyway ?
Like I said..you want everything in life without working hard.But you must know , that is against the law of nature.
And what if even after working hard , I don't get what I want ?
Bad luck as some may call it...practically , I'd suggest just one thing - be prepared for the worst.No matter how confident you are.
And listen , everything happens for the good.Never complain.NEVER!
Practically,all right..only so that I do not break down.But just generally..what if l don't ?
See..like if I do achieve a lot , people are going to term it 'good luck'.Won't it feel miserable ?? that... after long hours of slogging , my hard work is just good luck ? And when I fail..mostly I'll be termed as being lazy , selfish etc etc.So if my failure is given technical terms , why not my success ??
You do not need any kind of certificates from anyone.Be self-certified! Thats the biggest achievement in life.
And btw , who's really talking of hard work ? Are you ?
- embarrassing yet I'm chuckling-
I am ..I am! Ok lets forget people.
Now just tell me universally , practically non-practically , just anyhow , in any damn case... WHAT is it ?
If you throw a stone in air...it flies till some distance & then drops.While it travels through the wind with a good speed , the stone believes it is superior & strong & therefore is proud & egoistic.Stone thinks it the is one & only one who through its own capability is able to fly through.The stone takes the credit.
The wind on the other hand claims it is the one who is strong & powerful & the one which is carrying the stone.The wind takes the credit.
Good luck & hard work is similar to it.You shouldn't be bothered about the credits.It doesn't matter at all because even if you ever get to know the answer , you won't be able to change anything about it.
Make yourself strong enough & rise like a phoenix.Nothing in world can beat self esteem.Elevate yourself.

*

This is just a snippet of the conversation.I summarized it at few points.By the end of it , it got too heavy on me.I don't need more hints.I'm being asked to work hard.How really tough that gets , doesn't it ?

But I wasn't convinced with the answer.Its killing me again just like it did anytime before.

All confused ..am gone !!

Out of the thoughtful maze

Sometimes everything seems to be falling apart. Since last 2 weeks I have been constantly thinking of two particular things.I mean I have been thinking so much..that I've had sleepless nights. All those thoughts would remain at the back of mind , no matter what I'm doing.Its like someone's firing bullets at me ..I'm right there alone , having no reaction to it at all & then those bullets just fall over all around me , for me to pick them & think of them.Each & every bullet is a thought relating to me .They just keep coming & never want to leave me.I do not know how I'm suppose to destroy them.And I'm tired of it.Not frustrated but exhausted.I then visualize holding a shield to let all those bullets bounce back.Bullets never bounce back , I know that.But these are 'thoughts' & I want to shoo them off.I want to get into the state of thoughtlessness.Having nothing on my mind.But its difficult not to think of anything when you are awake & doing nothing. But I really need some peace.Lots in fact.

I then sit back & it looks like there are several different people inside me , speaking to me.The optimistic,the dark,scared,fearless,confident,skeptical & many more . Each of them has their own theory on my perplexed thoughts. No suggestions from anyone , just the pros & cons. And if you want to make a choice between two things & all kinds of possibilities have been laid down for you , the already perplexed thoughts go from bad-to-worse.I feel like making every inner calling of mine numb & dumb.I just ask them all to 'shut up' , because I want to talk to the real me.What does she have to say ? What does she thinks ? No she doesn't wanna think at all.Because she wants to follow her dreams - day dreams or pipe dreams - whatever the world may label it , she just wants to make it !! Striking the right chord.

I feel I have created a maze for myself.And I don't know the way out of it.I'm in there , running in every direction , in every lane - dark, gloomy or bright..running & running .. just wanting to get out of the massive thinking.And I soon realize that I'm back to the point where I started from.Its a maze .. so that was bound to happen.But I'm not afraid.I'm not hyper either.I just want to get the hell out of it.Every brick in maze is a thought.As I pass by , each brick says me something.And as I said..I just don't want any more thoughts ! I don't want to ponder over any of those thoughts ! I need to get some special chip inserted in my brain which would keep all the trash away from my mind.All that disturbs me.Wish the scientists are working on it ?

And lastly , it looks like a jigsaw puzzle.Some pieces are missing , some are vague , some destroyed , some unavailable. And so I don't have the prefect picture as I could never integrate the puzzle.Looks like I just need to leave it at that.I shouldn't be thinking about my thoughts , the passion & the conscience.Let it all just naturally fall into its right place.I'd push it all on my destiny.Now , I'm not the kind of person who 'd ever say that or want to .I still don't like saying that.I'd never want to keep things saved for my fate.If its my dream - it has to become my property for real , & destiny ain't gonna get any credits for that.If its the conscience - oh well , that comes first anyway. So I take it back . And now I speak - I'll create my own destiny. I'd make things work for me the way I want them to.Its just a matter of time .That's yet another cliched line that every confused thinking person wants to say.But the fact remains , it holds true.You could never tell of times - anything can happen.

So no more thinking & no more thoughts.Thankfully dad gave me lot of work to keep me busy.And I must say I don't know half of what I'm doing.But I do have to use my mind to do the work.Its tedious but I'm loving it anyway .

And of course , I'm out of the million-thought-maze.Had a bird-view of that puzzling maze & I must say I created some state-of-the-art thing, lol. They would actually want to declare it a wonder of the world.....I never mentioned that those bricks were embedded with gems & the lanes were lush push ..not the red-carpet-welcome type but the green lawns.I had environment on my mind lol.
I haven't completely stopped thinking. Its just those particular thoughts , that have been bothering me that are kept at bay. I hope I've got over it.
Yes I have !! I'm content with myself.I'm happy.I'm just gonna move with the flow.

And now I'm thinking of the incomplete work & dinner.Yeah , I'm hungry. ( Somebody might just want to say - all the time ? :P )

Mystically mystified

I'm gonna be super rich..cool! Thats what the palmist had to say!
But then I was never really worried 'bout money.Money comes & goes..
It wasn't just the only thing I wanted to know.He told me bout my studies.Asked me to pray The Sun God.But I wanted to know more...something more...Like the entire structure of my future - Apart from fortune.I wanted to know if I'm going to do something good in life..I certainly didn't want to be just a home maker!
Having known so much bout astrology ( dat it REALLY does exist ) - I didn't wish my life to go waste.
What killed me entirely was the fact that everything..yes everything is written.We can't change anything ! Our entire life has been already set.We'll get opportunities & things will happen for us.It'll happen as its been written.And no matter what we have to say 'bout our hard work or bout us being lucky - its basically all set long time back.So when we achieve something through hard work or luck - its not really the hard work or our luck.All of that happens because it was already decided to happen !!! And no other force in Universe can stop us from achieving what we deserve to get !
I find it too strange ..why do we have to live if everything is pre-decided ?!!??Why can't things happen our way ?? Why can't WE ourselves make our future ??
A split second of change..and our future changes

Somethings killing me inside...I dun understand this at all!
And how I wish I had the strongest future....

So well I didn't ask the palmist anything more.He was tellin' dat dad's all problems will be solved..nothing to worry bout
I wanted to know whther I'll seriously ever make good frdz..lol..& when I asked him so,he was telling few other things,wherein I really wasn't interested
But I guess its Ok.Life should remain a mystery.If I get to know everything that future has in store for me..& also the fact that I can hardly change anything...life won't be fun.So its better I know nothing of my futute..it scares me enough !!
And the answers to my questions will always remain a mystery..coz even if I ask dad ,( who himself is a good astrologer) - he is unable to give me a very convincing reason behind this magic!