Packing up Hope

I stayed 3 more days in Pune. Ate out everyday ..been to Bashos - cool restaurant , pizza hut & village.
Had hukkah 5 times in last 10 days but I cldnt take more than 3 puffs at a time.Was feeling so dizzy :S And I 'll try not to have it again. Kinda wastes my effort on pranayam.
Lunch was at home ( my uncle's place ) & I was finding it too hard to gulp down a molecule of that food.The cook over there cooks everything so weird.Or maybe I'm just not used to that kind of food.I missed ghar-ka-khana so much ! Nothing beats what my mum cooks.I've decided not to nag now onwards.I so under-estimated what she cooks :P Sorry mum!

One of my first cousin's got a very good job at Calyon Bank with a fairly nice package in this time of recession.He got what he was really looking for.I'm so excited & happy for him :)
That didn't help me much to stay happy for a long time because there's just one thing that blinks ahead of my idle mind - "you black sheep!"
And the only thing I say to the study-devil that hounds me is " I know I know..I need to study , but I just don't know where to start from.I'm running late as always :("

Looking back , I have always gone through that phase where I've told myself "I could have done better" but nobody really gives a damn about it because the only thing that mattered was whether I really did anything better.But I never did.Too much of the 'but' congestion in my life.
So with two of my first cousins having great jobs at multinational banks , there's obviously a lot of expectation ( from a hopeless student like me ) from this little 19 yr old girl who feels 16 , who hates exams , who wishes if she had have got into Arts , who cannot make the head & tail of accounts/tax & yet is pursing CA.

My problem is that I'm not at all confident & thats mainly because I'm not too much interested in what I'm doing.But I'm still somehow pulling time to make some other people happy around me , thought honestly speaking , I'm not trying :( which is not making others happy anyway!

I badly need to resume studying.Its been a long break..can count in months! :(
We all got together for a small dinner party at my cousin's place yest to celebrate his achievement.Went to the temple later on.I felt so good after a long time and sadly all these days I didn't seek help from god.I suddenly realized what I've been missing on.

I know God is not going to write my exams but just praying gives me a little hope & strength to open my books.He's my confidence back-up.I do feel guilty for asking for anything just when I need it ..& all that but this is important.I cannot afford to disappoint dad once again :(