I failed you.

My music sir passed away a month back. I got to know about it last evening. It is extremely sad and painful to hear about his demise. I hadn't met him for around 2 years. I avoided or procrastinated whenever he asked me to continue learning. I always thought..there's always time. The same thought wrenches my heart with so much regret today.

Whats more hurtful is that I tried to contact him only 2-3 months back. In all the mess and negativity , I had found some peace and happiness with music. It was refreshing to tickle the ivories with my old notes. Almost nostalgic. And thats when I missed my teacher the most. I was just feeling restless and desperate to learn as much as I could and compensate for all these wasted years.

His phone was switched off. There was no other way I could contact him. I don't know why but I seemed to call him persistently for a couple of days. Later on I convinced myself he'll definitely turn up after Diwali.

And he isn't there anymore. I just can't believe he's gone. Like I could have done something had I been able to talk to him or meet him. I feel so helpless , so pathetic and regret not taking more efforts to  contact him just anyhow ..maybe through some old sources and students.

 But most of all..there is this burdening feeling of failing him as a student. He wasn't asking for much..was he? Only encouraging me every time to pursue music. When I made it clear that I wasn't interested in giving exams..which he really wanted me to - he coaxed me into singing. And I was all in for classical music. I wasn't getting trained particularly..but every now and then he would give me gazals and songs to sing while playing the harmonium. I enjoyed it a lot. Even today I sing and play those same tunes for some soulful connection I have found in them. And many more which I could have learned...

I failed him as a human being too. I hate to recall but the truth is at some point I disrespected him. I disrespected his sheer expertise and talent. I took him for granted.

It is difficult to find a teacher like him again. Someone so knowledgeable who would come home and teach. Someone who wouldn't be reluctant to adjust to his student's demands!
 He may have been poor. But he was so rich with his music.

I wish he had come home just once if he needed more money. To let us know he wasn't doing well. Somebody from his family could have told us..just one time! And we'd have done anything to save him.

I'm so apologetic but 'sorry' can far from justify the mistakes I've made. I wish wherever you are.. you forgive my nonchalance.
I wish I could have made you more proud of me.

I'm dreading to open my books and play the music YOU taught for I will sob inconsolably.

Its a huge loss to our family :(
May your soul rest in peace!

Learning music will never be the same for me...without you.

Ok. This time - walk a mile in my 'high heels'

Normalization is difficult , no doubt.
Specially since  along with it..there will be changed behaviours and attitude.

Ofcourse ,  I hate the idea of losing the friendship. It was amazing.

I cannot be indifferent regarding the whole thing. And am not talking about that one episode. Am talking about the aggregate of what has been going since a long time.
The cumulative effect is massive.

So , yes..maybe it does not actually hurt. But it  certainly feels bad.

 When I've chosen to let go. It implies =>
You loose me = I loose you!

It not one sided! The loss is on BOTH of us.

You say feelings do not change overnight. Thats true.
But behavior does. And somewhere tagging along the same..feelings will change too.
They have to. I see no other option.

I haven't made a stubborn decision. I already know the best possible reaction.
And am gonna follow it.
I should trust my guts now.. because I've been right about almost everything EXCEPT that one thing that is making me look like a complete fool here. Not that 'you' fooled me. Only ,  I fooled myself!

Yes,  I'll ignore.

And yet , we all know..it can never be like before.



I do not judge this mess on right or wrong parameters.

For me - It was unfair.

It was fucking unfair.

I give too much. Selfishly speaking.. I never got back much - plus as for now - whatever I did get in return , to me , it ceases to be bonafide.

Into the coffin || No space left.

In my several furious uncanny attempts..

I tried destroying it. Burning it. Forgetting it.

It doesn't go away you know?

It comes back..with even more intensity.

I tried consoling. Convincing. Answering myself.

Questioning more.

Boomerang.

Everything always comes back , except what is really meant to be back. Except what I never threw away. Except what just went away.

The more I tried getting rid of it...the more it came..and the more it destroyed me.

Want it to abandon me.

Devastating.

Like someone stabbed - took away a part of my heart and  left me with with the other half , bleeding.

Bleeding more. Like it would never empty itself out.

I cry. Alone. Jokingly tell others I cried. And I laugh. Almost - alone.

 And then sometimes while I'm driving...I draw the locks of my hair behind my earlobes , turn up the volume , my hands on the steering wheel tapping with the beats - and I tell myself
Its fine. And its over.

Almost suddenly striked down by the fact..that it wasn't supposed to be this way. And I had it already sailed to float away.

 Wasn't that easy , was it ?

It is to be banned from any invitations my memories may yearn for.

There' no space left.

Don't stab it , again.

Things change.

Things don't remain the same.

Sounding synonymous. Meaning different.

Its been an year. Lets just give it , its funeral.

Not tossing aside this time.

Simply cosigning it to the grave.

My heart won't bleed again.

Water splashing.

There was a time , say almost an year or two back when I used to dread festivals.
It would only mean being stuck up in home , and doing just  about nothing.
Physically present in a pretense of a happy environment.
 And yet mentally fighting with the loneliness.

Festivals are meant to be 'celebrated' together.

Not when one of your parents prefers watching the TV or say is least interested in forming a little social circle.

When another one of your parents is busy doing the household chores.And is upset to be holding onto the routine even on this day.

So what do you do ? Deck up and sit quietly. Or watch TV.
So much for the chores that you are not good at anyway.

I don't think that's anybody's idea of celebration or festival.

I don't feel you can celebrate alone.

So what's changed now ?

The relations with the extended family.  A little much to  do rather than just watching tv.

I wouldn't pretend I'm happy. But then I'm GLAD to be occupied , on festivals.

Else my heart would shrink the tiniest on knowing I'm the only one not 'celebrating'.

Lets also say..I've conditioned myself to be indifferent.
 I'm so saturated , it hardly matters to me.

I look forward to spend time with cousins. Laugh along..share old stories et al.

But deep deep deep inside my heart , I'm hurting every bit.

Holi was no different. Flower holi like last year :D
Singing bhajans.
And some 15 mins of water splashing.
Thats about it. Something's better than nothing. Thank god for that.
And well , yeah...that's it :)

'Extra Attention'

 Its tough to impress dad. I don't make much of an effort to get noticed ..but somewhere I'm desperate for him to appreciate & acknowledge ONE damn thing that I've done or  that I do.
OK I'm aware there isn't anything *very* impressive about me either . .  .but only so much for my creative inputs!!

I still follow what he says...'you don't need certificates from others..you need to certify yourself..that's more important' 
But I demand to know what harm would a little active encouragement do ?

And he asks me why do I need extra attention ?!
Booom boom boom!

Of all the things that I dislike the most is that he NEVER appreciated my music skills.
My music sir may praise me , tag me fav & talented student ( which I genuinely feel is an exaggerated form of encouragement ) but dad ?!?

NEVER!!

Whats more annoying & hurtful is when he declares I'm yet to have proper sense of music.
Where as I'm good enough! I know that because I can feel it in every beat of my heart when I play it!
I know how to play , what speed to play with...and I can harmonically balance the taal and raag. That's what sir has always appreciated me for!!

Agreed..I stopped giving music exams. I haven't learnt a new raag since two years. But I still enjoy playing whatever I've learnt. And I am pretty good at it!

Damn.

I've given up on this episode though. I avoid touching the piano or harmonium when he is around.
I like to play when I'm alone. Without any listeners. Without being judged. ( Except if its appreciated :P )
Just for myself.

Wow! And do I even need to mention the power of music ? Its splendid!

Dormant.

You were alone. You are alone. And you will be alone.

Learn to walk alone.

Been given that piece of advice long back. It has only started to sink in my head now ...now when I'm going through intense swapping behavioral , mood and personality changes.

Now when I'm so indifferent , so rugged , so tired ...that all I wish is to go away and really for once..live alone.

At this point. I could trade anything.'Coz I have nothing to loose but only a cloak of these inflexible thoughts overlapping my true self.

I've lost it. Any leftover enthusiasm that there was.
Battling against and for god knows how many voices inside me.

I miss being me.Specially a part of me...that  made efforts to comply with her wants.
Who never refused taking calls..chatting..texting friends... shopping....watching movies.
Who liked disturbing closed ones.
Who now..doesn't talk much. Doesn't feel like talking much.Doesn't grumble. Doesn't want to grumble.
Instead has made herself excessively rude.
Whose friends & parents are not too happy with these fresh undesirable traits.

Someone truly read me right - I've lost the child in me.
And strangely I don't even have an urge to go back to being what I was.
I don't  feel like praying heartily. I only sit in front of the idols staring at them for some sensible explanation. For enlightenment.For magic.

I'm THAT passive.

Ye saali Zindagi : At 21

I turned 21 yesterday.

I did not make a fuss about having to celebrate fantastically.Maybe that's the reason I did get to have a fantastic day.

I did not cry even when it wasn't planned to be all that. I'm really a loser when it comes to 'not getting things done your way'. All I do is sit and cry. I have overcome that crumbling rubbish.
Somehow that makes me proud of being 21.

I did freak out and my sister saved all my anger. Amazing patience she has! Thank you!

Its a bit funny to watch a movie titled ' Ye saali Zindagi' on your birthday :P  Seems so apt.
Crazy movie btw , I liked despite all the gutter words :D

I received calls from people I didn't expect and did not receive from the ones I expected.
And somehow I was least bothered about this piece of crap either .. I mean wth ?
Why should it matter when the ones who matter made the whole day matter ?  ;)
Oh and I did not take few calls too. Some drama I was upto :O

Keeping your pulse rate normal helps. Not being too hyper or excited just makes everything sail smoothly.

Accepting whatever comes however it does-  was a difficult feat for me to conquer. I've always nagged , cribbed , sobbed about little things. But in the end..you don't really wanna be a spoilsport for yourself. It cannot get worse - You being the reason for your unhappiness.
 Attitude towards life brings can make huge difference to your general perception :) 
I've learned to accept. Surreal changes in ye saali zindgai :P

I wore a 'cute' dress :D Clicked pictures. Did NOT order cake. :-|
But much to my surprise the cake arrived by itself. My sister made it for me! :D

It doesn't feel like I've turned 21. I still feel 17 because I'm still immature , I still freak out crazy  and more importantly I haven't grown any taller :|

My bday gift is still due.Was in no hope to receive a 'surprise gift' from parents. Did not get one either.
I'll just ask for it at the right time.

Numbly baffled

* Two of my most 'worshiped' friendships have ceased to exist or so it seems.
Time and distance have swiped off the spark.The 'need' to be along.
Even as those two friends are somewhere out there.Somewhere far.

I'm fully aware and sure of the fact that its never going to be the same..and the worst part of it is that I'm not even going to make an effort.Maybe it is not that bad to not try.That comfort and rapport has just dissolved.Pointless.

* You think I'm a fool.You are absolutely right.FULL STOP.

* Some relations have to be kept the way 'elders' want you to , which is far less by your standards.Its difficult.I wish there were no rule like formalities.Happiness would have come simpler and it would still have been valued just as much.

* The sole purpose of my life is not to get married.Unlike the assumptions.There's so much to do..so much to LIVE for.Marraige thoughts give me a virtual nervous breakdown.

* Some people go Volt Face.With absolute ease.I don't know what to do about them.It baffles me all the time.

To do

Never take things or anybody for granted.

Stop giving too hoots about things like destiny.You have to work your a** off -- no matter what!

Re-connect with good old friends.

Stop getting sensitive about friends-for-benefit.Place them on the same level in your life.




Stop comparing.For god sake! Stop it stop it!

Work out! There's a section of wardrobe dedicated to the clothes you just cannot fit into.Work out!! At least for those clothes :|

Start studying.                                                                              
                                                                                                                                       
Don't be cynical.Live the good moments.Chuck the bad ones.Totally

Over thinking has never done any good to anyone.Fuse your analytical power.Use them in math instead :|

Ok..limit the list for now.

Pictures make a post lively.Late realisation.
Pic courtesy : Photobucket

X'mas '09

After going to the Church  , we all headed to this restaurant called Mustard.
While we were going though the usual  "You say" game of deciding what is to be ordered , one my friend's suggested we'd play Dare & Stare.
 I was busy talking to Tez who was telling me some of the things Chetan Bhagat said in the speech in their coll yesterday itself.It was funny.
Like one was where he was asked  why he always had the couples in his novel making out before marriage to which he said that there are two types of couples - one who make out before marriage and one who make out after marriage and that his novels only contained the latter ones.
Quite simple , huh ? lol

Then he mentioned how he was once asked something on similar lines "Aapko ye sab shobha deta hai ?" to which he said " Han shobha toh mujhe hee degi na "
lol .. He cracked a lot of double meaning jokes.

Anyway , so the bottle hit my direction and I chose dare after much manipulation.
And what did they ask me to do ?
Take order for a large group of old-looking people sitting at the other end.
I refused.No amount of 'coward' remarks could make me do that.
how lame.I mean it wasn't that big a deal.I was threatened I'd be expelled from our recently made group that we I named Sizzlers.As if I could be expelled :P All jokes.And number of taunts + harmless insults.I actually didn't feel bad for me.
Then a friend of mine did it on by behalf and I excused myself by saying that she's a hostelite and quite used to such things.

I need to be sporty.That kept buzzing in my head.But then it wasn't important and it didn't matter.To hell with everyone , I'm never consciously  going to do anything stupid in a crowd.Although when everyone started telling me  their tales of real adventurous dares , I felt a bit guilty.
BUT
Its OK , ok ? All guilt absorbed by Chinese food.Amen

While commuting ..we played out the music loudly , pulled down the windows , sang as loudly as we could and danced like maniacs.I hadn't laughed so much in last one month or so as much I did yesterday.

$ Richie Rich $

"Don't you sometimes feel like marrying a rich guy & living off on his expenses ?"
"Not that I didn't think of that one..its just now that I've decided to keep that option open."
lol

I cried few days back ..all of a sudden because I realized how super jealous I am of some people in particular . Some rich people :P

I cannot digest the fact that am not having an opportunity to enjoy life the way I want to. And its sooooo envious to watch others making most of their times.I'm certainly happy for them as I'm close to the people in question here...but I'm still jealous.

Confession maybe good for the soul.
However its not helping ease the pain.

I can't wait to be rich. Who doesn't wanna be rich ? Thats not the issue.I want to be!

I've even built up hope on the basis of a family palmist's predictions on my life :P
I know its stupid to plan life that way.And moreover he can be wrong.Just like he said I'd get married at 22.
The latter one should turn out to be untrue but I have no complaints with the former one - being very rich :P

I do not want all the money in the world to brag about it to others.
I want it for myself . I have an exclusive wish list & I wanna make it!

My mum's sis can never stop talking bout the money she has :P Its so funny! I do not idolize her at all :D loll
And then totally opposite to her is my maternal aunt ..who is 10 times richer & yet she doesn't have an ounce of arrogance . She NEVER brags.
I love her for that!
And I love G too , her son. He is sooo unbelievably down to earth!

To the point now

To the $ Riches $

$ I'm joining your league soon $ :P

Confession carried from beach

I still visualize beach all around me . I still see some really pretty sunsets as I close my eyes. I can feel the breeze with my hair frizzling all over . I can vision the roads , the calm & cool environment & peace all together. I'm so high on my feelings that its going to take me lot of time to overcome the same :)

Wow! Its been exactly an year & I remember everything to the very detail.The picture , the beauty of the trip is so clear in my head that I could paint some moments if only I were a good artist.

But , I have to make some confession.
It was all good , definitely..but somewhere down the line there's a REGRET.
I could have taken a close friend along.I did not even ask her once :(

Also , it wasn't completely a very euphoric trip.I cribbed so much.Nagged even more.

Honestly ...I wish we'd spend more or maybe managed to stay in a 4 or 5 star hotel + few more ppl together.It would have been PERFECT then.

Am checking over pics again.Completely forgot I'd even uploaded few in a post.
I love the captions I've put : Pics
*giggles*

PS - If you ever go to Mauritius , in case with family..make sure you are a LOT of ppl & also that you stay in an expensive hotel :P
If you're out there for honeymoon..well it doesn't matter anyway.Stay anywhere! :D
But yes again , 5 star resort would be gr8.They serve dinner at beach with champagne and all :P
Super romantic!