Farewell to trusting.

Pure co-incidence. I picked a chit during the miss farewell thing..and I was supposed to answer - You should not trust a guy because...?

The first reaction was a big bright smile on my face accompanied with loud cheers from friends. It is irrelevant how much they know what has been going around with me ; the fact is who could answer this better than me ? :P

Don't trust a guy because..

What he says , what he thinks and what he does are three very different things.
80% of the times they are lying. Or making stories. Same thing.
Therefore , don't believe every word he says. Its not worth it.
Infact its not just about guys..generally speaking ,  never put all your faith onto someone. Don't make them so important that they influence your state of being. You never know how situations change and your trust is broken unintentionally.

--- When I lost my faith and trust over my so-called best friend - I felt crippled & was nervous for quite some time. I was so empty I could not feel anything.It was like my heart just shut one more time. I never cried for all the bullshit though.

And then being the usual me ... I gave a dramatic speech to lighten my mood. I said to my friend : I am heartless. She denied. I explained : I only have this organ which is pumping blood into my veins. ( :D ) But it cannot be called 'heart'. My heart is so dead. Because I cannot feel a damned thing.

I may have wronged myself. Conned myself to trust him again. But its only human!
Why the hell am I so forgiving ?

So while our farewell party sucked..and I allowed my friend the privilege to speak to me again :P , a little too late I realized it is not worth it. We tend to believe what we like to hear. Its not really the truth though.

So here's a goodbye to not the friendship that has been sacked , but to the trust that will never be given back.

You lost that place. I still don't know whats in your mind. I don't understand much. But what I can see isn't something I can't deny. Actions speak louder than words..right?

No point to hold on.We're done.
Its not gonna be easy. Even when it is more of a rational than emotional decision.

* College finishes off this week. Not gonna cry about this either. Will miss the routine.
Albeit change is more than welcome :D

Shoot.

Dad says

Don't let your thoughts kill you.


Kill your thoughts.

Chuck it.

If what goes around , comes around...then whoever having the authority to make sure the chain revolves - is going to have a hard time deciding what to do of me.

Wasn't it a little too complex ?

I'm half guilty. For that matter  , I do not believe I did anything wrong even though it would appear so in books. In words. In facts. In statement.

It wasn't rational. It wasn't driven with an intention to deceive.
So I might as well be forgotten.

Or maybe I'm already facing the repercussions.
And frankly , dearest 'authority' ; whoever and wherever you are (  don't like to drag 'god' everywhere ) - I do not have the energy to offset it.

Kindly ignore me for a while and then maybe we could have a nice fight once I've restored all the vigor.

Let me be a little happy , yeah ?

Irrationally Yours
Overly emotional fool.

Buck up!

 Lately I've been quite a mess.Lately is about more than 7 months. 
All of it only proves how bloody fickle minded I am. Its probably the worst thing about me.
I had a tough time accepting and believing an assumption ..which again was nothing short of truth.

I had a disgustingly irritating time moving on. I felt sad , angry , longed , loved , stupid , hurt and every other possible feeling someone as childish at heart as me can feel.

I used to make a clear mindset , stick to it for a while and all of my pretense of being strong failed when I melted over heartwarming talks from someone I genuinely liked.

I really strongly feel the need of having a sibling of around my age at this point. Although that was something I always vouched for but knowing its impossibility ..I had adjusted myself with being alone. I do have wonderful cousins who are no less of really good and true friends I can trust my life on...but at the end of the day....when you hit the bed and have no one to speak to - you feel like the walls are going to eat you.3 am friends too , I  have. But presence is important.That connection and bonding...that support I miss. And am never going to have it.

I'm absolutely sure that I wouldn't have been such an emotional wreck.

But anyway...there are better things to focus on. Better and great things to do.
I just tend to forget how wonderful I can make everything around me. Its just the matter of my attitude.
I tend to forget I am blessed.

Enough damage has been done. It has all been a waste of time as it always seems in retrospective.
And then its easy to put.."what if you already knew the outcome of your small actions". Its like the butterfly effect. Such little strings attached to massive movements.
I'm not going to divulge my time and energy over what ifs. Nor will I regret.

And  most importantly..I will not allow myself to fall in the trap of feeling vulnerable.

My thinking process will have a lot to do with how I deal with this. And I want progress now.
Its creepy I'm going to turn 22 soon. I need to BUCK UP and for everything and everyone who have damaged me ..spoiled me..hurt me , I can only say one thing to you : FUCK YOU!

Idiot is Boxed.

For the next two years I might only curse myself when I look into the mirror and question what the F have I done to my life.
But this time I cannot blame anyone except -  myself.
( Somehow passing on the blame had become so convenient , I forgot what a scapegoat I'd become.)
So am gonna have to adjust to that.
I'm gonna have to adjust to the fact , and drink the regret/guilt that this could have been a prettier picture.

For an year I fought with my mind's innumerable voices..my indecision nucleus...and now when I'm concluding it - it feels so stupid I'd rather eat up the year gone by.

Its not so much about the time wasted or given...its about the final product.
What I did with it in the end.
And its killing.

I weighed my options so much and so many times that I killed every instinct and intuition there was to my passion.
It all just rotted while the time flew by.

But I guess its good enough that at least I'm gonna start doing something . I'm scared how it will turn out to be. I'm scared I'm not following what I wanted to. I'm scared that I'm jumping into a race.I'm scared I'm not going to a good college.

BUT

I'm just gonna go do it.

Because I'm an IDIOT.

An idiot who has vague plans to follow or do something about her big dream after 2 yrs!!

I'm mad with myself. Very very mad.

And I don't know what to do of my cousins.
They're supporting me like I just got myself into Harvard :P
How stupidly funny every damn thing is! :D

Dormant.

You were alone. You are alone. And you will be alone.

Learn to walk alone.

Been given that piece of advice long back. It has only started to sink in my head now ...now when I'm going through intense swapping behavioral , mood and personality changes.

Now when I'm so indifferent , so rugged , so tired ...that all I wish is to go away and really for once..live alone.

At this point. I could trade anything.'Coz I have nothing to loose but only a cloak of these inflexible thoughts overlapping my true self.

I've lost it. Any leftover enthusiasm that there was.
Battling against and for god knows how many voices inside me.

I miss being me.Specially a part of me...that  made efforts to comply with her wants.
Who never refused taking calls..chatting..texting friends... shopping....watching movies.
Who liked disturbing closed ones.
Who now..doesn't talk much. Doesn't feel like talking much.Doesn't grumble. Doesn't want to grumble.
Instead has made herself excessively rude.
Whose friends & parents are not too happy with these fresh undesirable traits.

Someone truly read me right - I've lost the child in me.
And strangely I don't even have an urge to go back to being what I was.
I don't  feel like praying heartily. I only sit in front of the idols staring at them for some sensible explanation. For enlightenment.For magic.

I'm THAT passive.

Counselling is a MUST.

Rads : You know girls in my coll are so dumb.
Me : Why ? What happened ?
Rads : You know why their parents got them to do interior designing ?
Me : Why ?
Rads : Because they were good at drawing rangoli and heena

ROFL


Tragedy.

My mum too wanted me to do interior designing and I would have done it for the fun of combination & permutation of colors , furniture and creating superb ambiance ..not because I could draw heena :P
and I bet I would have been GOOD at it!

But then I knew it wasn't my calling.

I still don't know what is!

Double tragedy.

*** Peer pressure sucks.Can never get out of it!

X'mas '09

After going to the Church  , we all headed to this restaurant called Mustard.
While we were going though the usual  "You say" game of deciding what is to be ordered , one my friend's suggested we'd play Dare & Stare.
 I was busy talking to Tez who was telling me some of the things Chetan Bhagat said in the speech in their coll yesterday itself.It was funny.
Like one was where he was asked  why he always had the couples in his novel making out before marriage to which he said that there are two types of couples - one who make out before marriage and one who make out after marriage and that his novels only contained the latter ones.
Quite simple , huh ? lol

Then he mentioned how he was once asked something on similar lines "Aapko ye sab shobha deta hai ?" to which he said " Han shobha toh mujhe hee degi na "
lol .. He cracked a lot of double meaning jokes.

Anyway , so the bottle hit my direction and I chose dare after much manipulation.
And what did they ask me to do ?
Take order for a large group of old-looking people sitting at the other end.
I refused.No amount of 'coward' remarks could make me do that.
how lame.I mean it wasn't that big a deal.I was threatened I'd be expelled from our recently made group that we I named Sizzlers.As if I could be expelled :P All jokes.And number of taunts + harmless insults.I actually didn't feel bad for me.
Then a friend of mine did it on by behalf and I excused myself by saying that she's a hostelite and quite used to such things.

I need to be sporty.That kept buzzing in my head.But then it wasn't important and it didn't matter.To hell with everyone , I'm never consciously  going to do anything stupid in a crowd.Although when everyone started telling me  their tales of real adventurous dares , I felt a bit guilty.
BUT
Its OK , ok ? All guilt absorbed by Chinese food.Amen

While commuting ..we played out the music loudly , pulled down the windows , sang as loudly as we could and danced like maniacs.I hadn't laughed so much in last one month or so as much I did yesterday.

Crackers

I'll be lying if I say Diwali was Great but it was fine & fun.No complaints.No grumbling from my side.Its been too fast like always.And some muck-in-your-face moments just made it worse.There are such unimaginable characters around ! Some people are really sick.But then , I don't care.The problem is : its a disaster when some really close people have something very hurting to say.

Its getting too much for me to get over so many emotions at one single time.So many decisions.And so many comparisions.However , somehow I didn't feel that pang of guilt , rage or regret anytime.Maybe I'm just too tired - to react , to boil my blood over or to shed tears.

Anyway , Diwali : I socialized a little bit.Stepped into my neighbour's home which otherwise I wouldn't ever do.I mean most of them are useless or pathetic or DUMB! And then I'm not quite fond of anyone except my extended family.Family's family.Simply great ! Neighbours are neighbours - they spy , they gossip , they are never there for you for even a tiny help if required , and they are just not your family.Why would they care for you ?!

I do LIKE to interact with people , talk to them ; wanting to keep a sensible conversation going on but my neighbours are not sensible enough.I mostly feel like I'm surrounded by strangers.People seem so busy to respond to a smile.To say a hello once a while.Act so weird.Its pathetic.But anyway , not all of them are that way.There are FEW nice people too.And its always good to talk to them.

One of the reasons why the non sensible ones are categorized into that field is because of their patent dialogue : "Kitni baadi ho gayi!" As if I'm supposed to be 10 yrs old - forever!

I didn't fire crackers.I'm not crazy about it.I like watching people do that.I like watching the sky glitter.But I hate the noise.Some crackers sound good , others- most - are deafening!

I wonder why am not hyper with festivity.Why I'm not over excited.I haven't been whole-heartedly mentally PRESENT in last couple of days in any of the activities around the home.
I'm just not me.Not the hyper me.Not the normal me.Not the shy one.Not the sad one.Not having stupid crushes either.Just someone I haven't ever been.So lifeless.

Somewhere I know what's bothering me...

and ...

we are back to square one - Its bothering me , AGAIN.

I would have been able to keep the troubles at bay..had I figured a solution which I just don't see coming to me.Whirlwind of Trash!

* BB : Wanted to see Inglorious Bastards.

P2 : oh..I didn't hear of that movie.

BB : You just say..we are going for Inglorious beep beep.

And then , we actually laughed =) I love it when I laugh at something which isn't a 'joke' but timely funny.Love the moment.

A4 size chit to cheat

Nothing beats the feeling of scoring good without studying!
It used to ..sometime back..make me feel not so great.Detached.As if it were plain luck.But NO..exam results are never luck dependent , not unless the checker is half-witted to give you marks for free or its an online exam where you mark intelligent flukes.

It happened with me in 10th exams results.I scored more than that I probably had solved & I was so happy that I all I did was kept wishing the checker all the goodness in life.
I must have said a dozen time "checker k muh mein ghee shakkar" which these days I replace with "xyz k muh mein pizza , sizzler , paneer tikka , chocolate cake : one by one"

The previously written as Red As tomato with embarrassment situation ; let me elaborate :
So it was a time pass exam.Term exam in 11th grade.
Physics paper.
I have always had the great privilege of being surrounded by the mosttttt dumb exam partners EVER..who btw , I know not why , would think I know EVERYTHING.
This time , we were made to sit randomly.Like we wished.
And so , beside me was the Professional expert at cheating.
She carried chits in each exam.
Now we had this 16 mark question which was a theorem & I KNEW the answer.But since she carried that page ( from the book ) which had the theorem on it , I delightedly took over.Can you imagine ? An almost A4 size chit to cheat from ??

I was carefully managing to take a look at the chit and then I have no idea how the invigilator figured out what I had.He walked slowly towards me.And ...and..I knew I'm having a heart attack.I was so nervous , all I could do was to calculate what is the next possible thing I could do ?

DISAPPEAR off the face of earth ??? : I wish!

He asked me , "Give that to me" And I looked at him BLANK faced.

I first gave him the question paper.I mean , what else could I do ?

Then I slid the chit in my answer sheet right in FRONT of him.

Guts :P

He looked daggers at me and said , "Not this.Give me THAT"

And then..I had to give up.I gave him the answer sheet with the chit inside it.He took the chit off , returned the answer sheet & WALKED AWAY.Didn't say a word more.

I was dancing in my head at this point , lol So relieved!

BUT..ALL heads were turned in my direction.And since I was sitting at one corner of the class - it just got worse.So that was emmmmbbaaarraaasssiiinnngggg.I was literally red in the face.And the professional cheater next to me was like.."oyeee! bach gayi ! "

I was like Why ? Why did it have to be me ? I mean here the girl who cheats in EVERY damn exam isn't caught even once ( what a record she carried :P ) & I..who was cheating at full scale for the first time - was to be caught cheating so badly.

But anyway , Invigilator k muh mein choc cake! Sach mein bach gayi!

Fry my cold head

Ok looks like there's a long embarrassment week going on.
So yesterday I was finding my scooty at the parking ( something am ashamed of owning!)
No suspense here.I did find it.
The self start wasn't working.So I had to kick start.I hate to kick start.
I tried doing so a couple of times..& by the time I thought my scooty is back to life..it fainted.
Meanwhile I was laughing.I don't know what was funny about it but I was probably laughing thinking of the previous joke I shared with my friend which too wasn't funny at all.
I lost my balance & the scooty fell.
I let it fell.
And I stood there ..cold ..watching it go bang on the floor.
The way I lost the bal was FUNNY. I mean , I cldn't handle a stupid scooty ? :D lol

All this had to happen in presence of Wicked V.
That guy hates me..or he pretends to hates me or neither.
But he certainly dislikes me because he looks at me as if he is going to kill me.
Not that I hold any grudges against him for telling out my nick name to everyone in school.And then asking everyone to tease me :- jerk But I do find that guy weird.I would have given him the Kill you looks too but then am not so complicated as him :S
What on this earth is the deal with him ??! We never spoke to each other in school as soon as there were rumours that we are together. I loathed him then.Now..haven't we grown mature ? At least..I have ! :P Whereas he seems to be the same arrogant Kid!
We had started talking again..A little hi-bye talk but now he behaves as if once upon a time..I really killed him :D What is supremely funny is that..he kind of blushes when our common friends tease him.When they tease me...I just laugh.Bcoz it reminds me of how silly he'd been.I cannot make myself react angrily nor does he which is why people till this day think there's something between us lol.

It doesn't matter to me much whether or not he talks to me.Its just that my scooty shouldn't have dropped off my hands when he was there.I'm sure he was laughing :( which is embarrassing.

Ok apart from that.I missed out a point when I was talking of how online friends can be different.
I missed out saying that I must be appearing a hell lot different too.
He must be wondering - She knows am there..yet she wldn't look at me.The other day she just smiled.No hi.Nothing. Then when we happened to talk online..she was all cool. Again when we meet....she knew I was there but she quickly flipped her glance & began talking to her friend.Why does she ignore me so weirdly in public ? And talks nicely online ?

That's exactly how he must be thinking & he isn't wrong.Cannot blame him.
I'm really behaving stupidly.Not that I cannot talk to him. I'm not shy bout it.But I'm just being unreasonable. I'm unable to look at him & strike a conversation.Sometimes I feel..he wants to talk but my response has been so dull that he moves away.Its not an attitude problem either.
And its not just him.I think I do this often.I skip talking to people because I find it pathetic to flirt.But every talk isn't a flirt , is it ?? Its not!! I know I don't flirt.How much will it matter if I go ahead & speak ?
Its strange ..I am unable to - take a proper decision & act Or act spontaneously.I do neither.I just hung up cold.

Confession carried from beach

I still visualize beach all around me . I still see some really pretty sunsets as I close my eyes. I can feel the breeze with my hair frizzling all over . I can vision the roads , the calm & cool environment & peace all together. I'm so high on my feelings that its going to take me lot of time to overcome the same :)

Wow! Its been exactly an year & I remember everything to the very detail.The picture , the beauty of the trip is so clear in my head that I could paint some moments if only I were a good artist.

But , I have to make some confession.
It was all good , definitely..but somewhere down the line there's a REGRET.
I could have taken a close friend along.I did not even ask her once :(

Also , it wasn't completely a very euphoric trip.I cribbed so much.Nagged even more.

Honestly ...I wish we'd spend more or maybe managed to stay in a 4 or 5 star hotel + few more ppl together.It would have been PERFECT then.

Am checking over pics again.Completely forgot I'd even uploaded few in a post.
I love the captions I've put : Pics
*giggles*

PS - If you ever go to Mauritius , in case with family..make sure you are a LOT of ppl & also that you stay in an expensive hotel :P
If you're out there for honeymoon..well it doesn't matter anyway.Stay anywhere! :D
But yes again , 5 star resort would be gr8.They serve dinner at beach with champagne and all :P
Super romantic!

Restless Soul

• I'd been restless because of as you know of the last post.Everything's OK now!Few days back , Dad bought me Philips DVD player with a 16:9 screen.I don't like it at all.It doesn't store movies.Its doesn't have a USB port!! I had longed for a creative zen but didn't have the courage to ask him to get me one..& now I regert because it would have been anytime better if he'd have got me the Zen which btw is the sexiest gadget till date.I'm ready to trade my dvd player > get back the cash > put in some more > buy the zen!! I'm restless because the player is such a waste of money! My stomach churns :(
• I have to actually 'work hard' for fucking bcom exams which are good for nothing.The fact that few people I know , put in just 1/10th effort in studying compared to me & yet score 2 times better than what I do - kills me! How can my soul , mind , energy , brain cells be in place ? The restlessness moves like a current in my body.I do get frustrated thinking that my actual hard work won't bring fruitful results.Its my FEAR > Restlessness at its peak!
• Never never never ever listen to songs 4 times a day ( same songs that too ) during exams.I've been humming songs & the music between the lyrics like crazy.I eat ♪ kya hua tera wada ♪--- I try to sleep ♪You're my angel ♪ ---- I begin to study ♪Love mera hit hit♪ ---- I try to recollect some formula ♪Viva la Vida's opening instrumental music♪ awfully random songs ! Love mera hit hit ?? I don't actually listen to it.I play it to dance.Again something I do to deviate myself.Its getting highly irksome so much so that I've started to hate listening to music.HATE ? Isn't it AwwFool ? I love Kya hua Tera Wada ..one of those old songs I can actually listen a dozen times.
• I skipped ♪music exam this year.There are no punishments.So life is adding extra pounds of taking-things-for-granted along with the fallacy : time-is-all-I-have.I'm restless of living in certain myths.Restless of ignoring the greatest tools available to be able to transform myself into a great personality.Restless of jacketing myself with backlog. Music has taken a back -seat & there's an important confession to make here - I'm not enjoying it any more.The angel in me thinks its a very sad state of affairs. The devil believes I do not need to learn things only to give exams & earn certificates.When both of these do not speak , my passion & my honest-self says " Keep it going ..keep learning..but only what you LOVE because you confused soul..you want to do it for yourself!" I've decided to discontinue learning ♪ Rags & classical music required to give exams.I want to learn to sing , get some basics strong & learn those ♪ Rags which I find a lot of joy in playing.
• I'm prolly going to flunk in accounts.Its a shame I know.And I have a set of excuses too but those do not justify at all. That's all I have to say!
• Its burning hot here. 47.3°C since last 4-5 days .I have a headache almost every day.Headaches would make anybody restless !
• Haven't had pizza for a month.Chocolate cake...2 months!! coldcoffee ? AGES! Ok bye now..before this post gets deleted by itself ..like it was published only with the title. lol ..been pressing wrong keys.

The guilty growl

I wonder what'll happen when I start earning.

I'm such a miser , already!

Argh & I regret spending so much money on shopping , specially when I think what I bought wasn't worth it :| & also that I'm never going to wear those outfits again! Yeah , the latter one is no less than an albatross around my neck.

Grrrrr

My stomach churns.Seriously!

Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty

mistakes!!

What an irresponsible shopping!

Grrrrrrrrr

Why doesn't someone buy all of that stuff from me & pay me back the equal amount ?!
So that I can finally buy some gorgeous fashionable non-faux-pas-pro dresses ?
Please!

Ps - What I bought isn't crap.It just didn't seem apt at any event.