I failed you.

My music sir passed away a month back. I got to know about it last evening. It is extremely sad and painful to hear about his demise. I hadn't met him for around 2 years. I avoided or procrastinated whenever he asked me to continue learning. I always thought..there's always time. The same thought wrenches my heart with so much regret today.

Whats more hurtful is that I tried to contact him only 2-3 months back. In all the mess and negativity , I had found some peace and happiness with music. It was refreshing to tickle the ivories with my old notes. Almost nostalgic. And thats when I missed my teacher the most. I was just feeling restless and desperate to learn as much as I could and compensate for all these wasted years.

His phone was switched off. There was no other way I could contact him. I don't know why but I seemed to call him persistently for a couple of days. Later on I convinced myself he'll definitely turn up after Diwali.

And he isn't there anymore. I just can't believe he's gone. Like I could have done something had I been able to talk to him or meet him. I feel so helpless , so pathetic and regret not taking more efforts to  contact him just anyhow ..maybe through some old sources and students.

 But most of all..there is this burdening feeling of failing him as a student. He wasn't asking for much..was he? Only encouraging me every time to pursue music. When I made it clear that I wasn't interested in giving exams..which he really wanted me to - he coaxed me into singing. And I was all in for classical music. I wasn't getting trained particularly..but every now and then he would give me gazals and songs to sing while playing the harmonium. I enjoyed it a lot. Even today I sing and play those same tunes for some soulful connection I have found in them. And many more which I could have learned...

I failed him as a human being too. I hate to recall but the truth is at some point I disrespected him. I disrespected his sheer expertise and talent. I took him for granted.

It is difficult to find a teacher like him again. Someone so knowledgeable who would come home and teach. Someone who wouldn't be reluctant to adjust to his student's demands!
 He may have been poor. But he was so rich with his music.

I wish he had come home just once if he needed more money. To let us know he wasn't doing well. Somebody from his family could have told us..just one time! And we'd have done anything to save him.

I'm so apologetic but 'sorry' can far from justify the mistakes I've made. I wish wherever you are.. you forgive my nonchalance.
I wish I could have made you more proud of me.

I'm dreading to open my books and play the music YOU taught for I will sob inconsolably.

Its a huge loss to our family :(
May your soul rest in peace!

Learning music will never be the same for me...without you.

I AM Titanium

Some songs posses you..primarily for what they say than what they sound ;)

 Obsessed with this song.

 Love the lyrics.  

You shout it out, 
But I can't hear a word you say 
I'm talking loud not saying muchI
'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet 
You shoot me down, but I get up 

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose 
Fire away, fire away 
Ricochet, you take your aim 
Fire away, fire away 
You shoot me down but I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down but I won't fall 
I am titanium 

Cut me down 
But it's you who'd have further to fall 
Ghost town and haunted love 
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones 
I'm talking loud not saying much

Sibling of music.

People who can Sing are really privileged.

Its such an amazing talent!

Because practically everybody on earth loves to sing - whether or not they CAN actually sing 

I hate it that I cannot sing. Coz as much as I enjoy humming tunes I like( that apparently aren't a pleasure to hear)...I wonder what it would be like to have the talent to sing.

Its so refreshing.

'Extra Attention'

 Its tough to impress dad. I don't make much of an effort to get noticed ..but somewhere I'm desperate for him to appreciate & acknowledge ONE damn thing that I've done or  that I do.
OK I'm aware there isn't anything *very* impressive about me either . .  .but only so much for my creative inputs!!

I still follow what he says...'you don't need certificates from others..you need to certify yourself..that's more important' 
But I demand to know what harm would a little active encouragement do ?

And he asks me why do I need extra attention ?!
Booom boom boom!

Of all the things that I dislike the most is that he NEVER appreciated my music skills.
My music sir may praise me , tag me fav & talented student ( which I genuinely feel is an exaggerated form of encouragement ) but dad ?!?

NEVER!!

Whats more annoying & hurtful is when he declares I'm yet to have proper sense of music.
Where as I'm good enough! I know that because I can feel it in every beat of my heart when I play it!
I know how to play , what speed to play with...and I can harmonically balance the taal and raag. That's what sir has always appreciated me for!!

Agreed..I stopped giving music exams. I haven't learnt a new raag since two years. But I still enjoy playing whatever I've learnt. And I am pretty good at it!

Damn.

I've given up on this episode though. I avoid touching the piano or harmonium when he is around.
I like to play when I'm alone. Without any listeners. Without being judged. ( Except if its appreciated :P )
Just for myself.

Wow! And do I even need to mention the power of music ? Its splendid!

You don't need drugs.

Best company to have when there is no company :

i pod!

> It doesn't bicker
> It doesn't gossip
> It calms you down
> It makes you forget everything else.
> Great booster for brisk walk.
> It channelizes your anger. ( extremely helpful for me :P)
> You listen to it and even when you slip a few words - it never gets mad at you. Also , it replays :P
> It listens to you too..in a way. All of your mental notes.
> Never to get bored of. Never!
> F--k , it makes you happy. Simply! 

:-) Ok I don't even need to mention I'm hyper at the moment :) :D


Three things I'm absolutely lovin right now : 

3G Internet connection ( Finally able to view streaming videos!! Earlier I had to wait a good 10 mins for a 1 min video to buffer :O  )

Nissan micra ..sexy snazzy car.. love driving it ;-)

Brisk walk with ipod plugged in.

** Someone posted on FB - "You don't need drugs to make you feel  high"
Someone else replied " True. Your dreams are enough"
:-) And I want that feeling. I want that chase.

Point of view ON Point of view.

One thing I absolutely HATE about discussions/arguments/debates is when the opposing party isn't even willing to CONSIDER your point of view. I mean..fine..you might be right.You might be absolutely right but that doesn't make the other person absolutely wrong. Trying to prove them wrong  NO MATTER WHAT - is annoying and foolish. Countering points is one thing..but not wanting to even see things from a different angle only shows how narrow your perspective is.

Although in a debate , one never really wants to consider the opponent's view. All they care for is to prove their side correct which is bearable.You could go to any lengths to prove something even when you don't believe in what you're saying.

But in healthy discussions and arguments...you must utmost consider the other person's VIEW exactly the way it is  put up.No interpretation.No reading between the lines.Just the way it is.
However ,  more often than not..I find people losing that central theme.
Discussions are meant to broaden your perspective.Its kind of a way to check through all the pros & cons in case you're wanting to make a decision. Or in other cases..it only amounts to a spectrum of thoughts you might hear for the first time.But then...the ego factors comes in. One would never take back his own words of wisdom :P

Most of the times..when we have discussions about common or general topics..I do maintain a take on it.And I may also agree to several points the other party has put forth. In the end..it makes my judgment/ views neutral and lying towards the core issue.I've never been on far ends of anything. I don't like to have extremely strong and rigid opinions. You've gotta be flexible ;)

--- On that note I'd put down my views on Firangi Music which I've been wanting to for quite some time ;-)
There are people who listen to English songs because it makes them cool.
Or because that's what most of the other people in their life do. Or atleast that's what you can sense from their behavior :P

What I believe is that -
Listening to English songs or watching English shows/movies won't make you great ...but IF you're not ..then you're missing out on something great :D
That's what I've realized since the time I've been listening to videshi songs :P
Secondly...When you say you love music..or any other form of art..you must explore it as much as you can.At least within the languages ( in case of music) that you understand. 
As simple as that. What do you think ?

Coke Studio & Strings

I've always had a thing for Sufi music. There's something so powerful & magical about the flow of this great genre that it touches not just your heart  , but also your soul. If there;s anything at all EVERYBODY on earth relates with , loves no matter where it comes from - it is music!
And Sufi , folk & classical music ; for me  just takes the cake!

I'm glad I was introduced to Coke studio + Strings! They've delivered some of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard and always have been craving to hear. How on earth did I not know about these all this time ?? :O

 Current Addiction :

1] Nahi Ray Nahi

2]  Titliyaan

3] Aankhon K sagar

4] Jal Pari

5] Khamaaj

Awesome , aren't they ??

I'm on my exploring spree now.

Tu Jaane Na...

How could I miss mentioning this song ?? Its awesome! Also , its been pictured BEAUTIFULLY!




Its been shot in Turkey.The feel of the song increases ten folds with the video.Now this is the kind of thing I call 'superb' - Amazing choice of location , great angels ..a goddess like actress (Katrina Kaif looks gorgeous as always..but the point I wanted to make is that her outfit in the song is equally gorgeous :P ) , a smoking hot actor + a heart-tugging soul stirring song.
What more can you ask for a visual treat ?!

Kaise batayein..
Kyon tujhko chahein
Yaara bata na payee..
Batein dilo ki
dekho jo baki
ankhein tujhe samjhaye..
Tu Jaane Na..

The song has a Sufi touch to it , making it my fav.The lyrics are good too :)
And of course , I have resumed liking listening to Atif Aslam.


** Bubble got engaged.I'm so excited for her.No I guess I'm just excited about having another wedding in family :D Its gonna be a lot of fun!
I wish though..I could attend the luncheon party tomorrow.I really wanted to be there for her.
Don't wanna get melo dramatic.She doesn't need me at the moment. Nobody on earth who's just engaged needs anyone in their life till the craze settles to normality :P But she certainly wants me there!! I'm the first one to whom she broke the news of her engagement.

Argh! I feel a little bad.I've been extremely mean to her.And here..during the most happiest moment of her life - she's been cajoling me to no end to come down when she sld have actually spent that time in deciding what she has to wear :P
I thought I could make up for at least one of those mean times by attending the small function tomorrow.But I cannot go.Crap crap crap!
Just wishing I turn up for the formal engagement ceremony and of course the wedding!

I still cannot believe the girl who's been getting wedding proposals since she was 15 -is finally getting married!! :D On a funny note - I wonder what ppl are left to talk about , now that miss cynosure is going to tie the knot :P
Ankey's already getting the jitters."Its my no. after hers..damn!" haha! I couldn't stop laughing when she texted that.

And although I had unofficially taken an oath that I'm never going to dance on stage - I've decided to put that resolution on hold. I don't mind making a fool of myself again - its Bubble's wedding afterall.

My jeeju is very handsome , I heard.Bubble deserved someone very good looking as it is and everything else too seems to have fallen into place.Perfect!
Bubble gum! Congratulations ..very happy for you !

Turtles Can fly

- I don't find maggie tasty anymore.My taste buds gave up on my fav instant food.I always thought I could never have enough of maggie.I was wrong.

- I too think that Atif Aslam cannot sing.Look its simple - a person can either sing or cannot sing.
There's nothing like a bad singer.
There's always a good singer , progressive singer & a brilliant singer.
So apart from Sunidhi Chauhan even I feel Atif cannot sing.I mean yes..his voice quality is great! But somehow I always tend to switch over to the next track if I'm listening to any of Atif's.There's a great deal of mutual 'aalap' or Rag or that 'aa aaa s s s' in all of his songs.He just has a melodious voice.So if he were talking , even then he would sound like he's trying to sing.These days it irks me to listen to his songs.I don't know why.

- I hate the fact that I'm not so hyper or excited about watching movies anymore.I haven't seen Kaminey yet & I of all the people , canceled watching it twice even when I could have easily gone! I'm not even using my manipulation skills to take off to watch Ice Age 3.

- My tally sir bugged me in the second lecture.He prolly thought I wasn't paying attention which is partly true.So he asked me stupid questions.
I was dumbstruck.
I really thought where in the world was I & why ?!
I was asked the similarities between Elephant & Rat! - in a tally class!!!
He was trying to give some parallel example but how ridiculous is that ?! And to top it all - when I wasn't replying & grinning - he said that if I won't answer , he'll mark me absent :|

My juniors are great , really! The answers I overheard were " Sir 2 eyes , 4 legs " + when I didn't reply in those 30 long seconds..the junior sitting next to me said "say Teeth"

I was so much in doubt whether I'm accidentally in class 2 !

Huh! I'm stuck with my juniors because of the batch timing problems & it sucks.It sucks even more when they ask me how an accounting entry is to be made :-| I'm so frozen even then ! But I loved it..when I answered something in the Excel class when nobody else could! :P It wasn't anything smart though..just a minute observation.Hmmm..so that only means that my juniors are dumb.

- For the very first time in my city , we are having the International Film Festival.Here too - my friend dragged me along.I wasn't excited about it at all which is weird! And I'm not even mad at her for asking me to watch the Bengali movie 'Jalsagar' .But I should have done my usual research on the movie before watching it.
Black & White movies shouldn't be called masterpiece! And who-so-ever does ..please let me know the movie is b&w ! I can watch anything 10 times..but not this - even once!
We somehow managed to bear the movie for 40 long minutes and then I knew I had to run or else I might collapse of boredom & the colorless screen.The guy sitting 2 seats next to me..asked me if I was scared watching the movie , lol

I said a rude 'NO'. So he started telling me that the song being sung in the movie is classical music.

As if I really didn't know what that is!

"Raag Bihag"

Oh thanks dude! I didn't know! Well..I actually didn't :(

I haven't touched my music notes in last 100 days , which is why everything that I learnt has evaporated!

- So overall I'm certainly so-not-me in all these events & instances.Movie , music,food..all of that which are my sphere of energy , crazy indescribable excitement - just lost some of its elements.

- I'm gonna watch turtles can fly which is an Iranian movie.I hope I make for it.(This time I did my research ...and the movie seems to be good , the classic good)

My city needs to be enthusiastic about movies.The crowd sucked!
I would want to relocate to some other place right now!

- Oh and..I have more number of drafts than posts in last two months.I have written so many things but don't feel like posting.I don't know why...& I hate those words "I don't know why"

Thrills & Chills

I'm getting attracted to Sad sappy songs at the time when I'm having crushes.Its been TWO years after which I'm having butterflies in my stomach/getting anxious for a guy.All this time the butterflies were for action movies , thrilling novels , not seeing or surprisingly seeing a special online friend , few compliments once in a blue moon & of course shopping.I didn't know it will be so SOON that I'll start liking someone again.I wanted to wait.But of course , this one ain't no serious/strong liking , nor am I gonna turn it into that.I cannot fall weak this bloody time!

The major issue right now is the choice of songs I've been listening to.Listening to highly emotionally challenging songs is not a great idea when you are already feeling low.It brings a lump in my throat.The problem is , I feel as if some one's making me listen to these songs.I mean no matter how much I decide , I just click onto the ones that are sentimental.I'm not even deleting them! Nor will I ask anyone to do that for me.Its like am being dragged to songs like an addict to a drug.However, my drug doesn't make me feel high.Its not harmful either :P Huh What kind of bloody drug is this ?

Ok I have an answer for this one.I got a text from a friend which I'm modifying to bring my answer.

I'm so addicted to the drug of sad songs that if I have nothing to compensate for its deficiency - I'll use noodles to hang myself , sponge to hit me , rubber knife to cut my vein & water pistol to blow my head.

That should land me in a thermocol hospital/rehab , lol.

And thermocol reminds me of something I saw on TV few days back.It was on 'India's Got Talent.' There was this group called Illuminati which staged the most popular video game 'Super Mario'. They used UV effect & had the entire set of the game made in thermocol - like the tortoise , the Dollar points , bricks etc.It was so damn creative !!! I loved playing Mario in my childhood.The way they staged it - it was as if you're watching a Mario movie !

I was impressed.Superbly creative.

Flavored mini surprise

Surprises in life is like a huge choc cake.Would make anybody happy. But sometimes there are surprises the size of rum ball . Just as good as the cake.

Isn't it nice to lazily lay on the couch.Be in your own think-world.Randomly recollecting instances.Listening to the radio.And then randomly thinking of a song which you 'wish was played on radio'.
And ? ?
The rum ball!!! The song plays the instance you think of it!

Isn't it nicer to meet a friend in a traffic jam just when you least expect them to.And the friend recognizes you even when your face is wrapped with the duppata :P And then the friend screams first with surprise & next with anger "Why cldn't you recognize me?!"
am not good with disguises even if its just a duppata.
How would I explain that I've innumerably screamed out wrong names when I tried making out who the person behind the duppata is :P

Isn't it nicest to ..now this one just doesn't have to be a rum ball.This has to be a pastry.
So , Isn't it nicest to...reciprocate a lil geezer to a friend :P
This is in connection with the shock given to me
And it so happened that the very next day I wrote bout it...My friend was in huge disbelief + shock + surprise over something I'd done.

"You did Art of Living ? You never told me!! "

Lol I wanted to say..you never asked me..but Its difficult to speak when you are laughing & making a mental note to yourself What a day!! :D I just kind of hi-five-ed her .She gave me a confused look as if she didn't remember what happend the other day.Specially the smug!

Why does this particular instance wins over all rum balls ? Because it left me
amusingly surprised !

Requiescat in pace

What is it like dying off out of the blue leaving a million souls numb ?
What is it like looking down , the amount of stardom never to be felt again ?
How does it feel to be one of the luckiest to have become 'King' for the people ?
And then all gone.

It takes years to gather fame , money , respect & a minute to lose it all ...lose it forever when you breathe your last.

All celebs are human.They maybe the most busiest people on earth shuttling from one part of the world to another putting their health on stake.But they all are weak somewhere.
They all fall prey to emotional suffocation.They all suffer.

The latest news coming in is that MJ was on painkillers & other drugs for a month which may have resulted in a cardiac arrest.
So many of them have knowingly or unknowingly killed themselves with drugs before , haven't they ?
Elvis Presley , Kurt Cobain to name.

Life is not fair. The entire irony is like a cobweb around the stardom.
Its daunting.It gross.It suffocates.Its a mayhem!


I just wish the most popular, famous & worshipped people in the field of music , sports , entertainment in general or any field for that matter ..never fall off the cliff they took years to reach to.
Its very painful to know that a great legendary artist abandoned the world at an early age , living a traumatic & defamed life a few yrs before that.

His concert at London could have diminished all the past flaws.But then...

Crap happens!

I just wonder - the way we say that people live with us even after they die - that how must MJ be feeling like to watch the world mourn ?
Or more so ...to be not able to do a moonwalk again on earth ?

Dad's happy :-)

Dad seems to be so content.He always is.
He doesn't just say things..he really means it.So yes he is celebrating every day of his life in spite of all the other things that add tension in life. I wish he knew what celebration meant to me.
Dad pleaseeeee lemme go watch Wolverine , lol

He'd been to this all men party yesterday given by one of his club's friend.
And he enjoyed A LOT
He was telling me how everybody was singing ..talking..& the joy with which he said made me very happy.
People even complimented him when they heard him sing.
And today in the morning he was all praises for music which is going to help me make my efforts stronger to sing ;)
yup , am back to mujik.Trying to sing
I'm not at all good with high & low notes which is everything about singing lol
And then I sing in a way that is inaudible to myself :-
But sir's been encouraging me so am gonna do my bit - make some genuine effort.

Coming back to my daddy dearest..Happy Father's day pitashri! :P
You're the best!!! Thanks for being so kind when I've been my worst.
Thanks a lot.

Restless Soul

• I'd been restless because of as you know of the last post.Everything's OK now!Few days back , Dad bought me Philips DVD player with a 16:9 screen.I don't like it at all.It doesn't store movies.Its doesn't have a USB port!! I had longed for a creative zen but didn't have the courage to ask him to get me one..& now I regert because it would have been anytime better if he'd have got me the Zen which btw is the sexiest gadget till date.I'm ready to trade my dvd player > get back the cash > put in some more > buy the zen!! I'm restless because the player is such a waste of money! My stomach churns :(
• I have to actually 'work hard' for fucking bcom exams which are good for nothing.The fact that few people I know , put in just 1/10th effort in studying compared to me & yet score 2 times better than what I do - kills me! How can my soul , mind , energy , brain cells be in place ? The restlessness moves like a current in my body.I do get frustrated thinking that my actual hard work won't bring fruitful results.Its my FEAR > Restlessness at its peak!
• Never never never ever listen to songs 4 times a day ( same songs that too ) during exams.I've been humming songs & the music between the lyrics like crazy.I eat ♪ kya hua tera wada ♪--- I try to sleep ♪You're my angel ♪ ---- I begin to study ♪Love mera hit hit♪ ---- I try to recollect some formula ♪Viva la Vida's opening instrumental music♪ awfully random songs ! Love mera hit hit ?? I don't actually listen to it.I play it to dance.Again something I do to deviate myself.Its getting highly irksome so much so that I've started to hate listening to music.HATE ? Isn't it AwwFool ? I love Kya hua Tera Wada ..one of those old songs I can actually listen a dozen times.
• I skipped ♪music exam this year.There are no punishments.So life is adding extra pounds of taking-things-for-granted along with the fallacy : time-is-all-I-have.I'm restless of living in certain myths.Restless of ignoring the greatest tools available to be able to transform myself into a great personality.Restless of jacketing myself with backlog. Music has taken a back -seat & there's an important confession to make here - I'm not enjoying it any more.The angel in me thinks its a very sad state of affairs. The devil believes I do not need to learn things only to give exams & earn certificates.When both of these do not speak , my passion & my honest-self says " Keep it going ..keep learning..but only what you LOVE because you confused soul..you want to do it for yourself!" I've decided to discontinue learning ♪ Rags & classical music required to give exams.I want to learn to sing , get some basics strong & learn those ♪ Rags which I find a lot of joy in playing.
• I'm prolly going to flunk in accounts.Its a shame I know.And I have a set of excuses too but those do not justify at all. That's all I have to say!
• Its burning hot here. 47.3°C since last 4-5 days .I have a headache almost every day.Headaches would make anybody restless !
• Haven't had pizza for a month.Chocolate cake...2 months!! coldcoffee ? AGES! Ok bye now..before this post gets deleted by itself ..like it was published only with the title. lol ..been pressing wrong keys.

Specially special day!

I still wonder what was so great about it that it won the Oscar but since it has , I'd rather shut my mouth up & stop criticizing because the world loved it & so did the jury at Oscar.
I'm happy for India.For India's music :))

Ever since my school days , I've always had bunch of real foriegn-material mates who always thought that the ones who listened to English music were 'cool' & the one who listened to our very hindi music were lame.I listen to both the western & Indian music & I feel that knowing a language which explores the art of music is a bonus point for us.So hello you Indian-western-geeks , what are you waiting for ?
In fact I think anybody who knows Hindi , anywhere around the world should appreciate & start listening to Hindi music because its superb!

At least now these foreign-oriented-driven will start looking up at Indian music.
Thanks to Rahman!
Cheers to Rahman !

I'm desperate to watch the other Oscar nominated movies specially The curious Case of Benjamin Button.It looks like an interesting movie with the story of a man aging backwards.
Kahan kahan se log kya kya soch ke kya kya banate hai ??

Also I'm again getting back to my mode of I-wanna-pursue-film-direction.
Again looking at NYFA prospectus.Whistling Woods.Movies movies & more movies.
All Because I'm back to being the academic black sheep of my super-talented academic family!
God help me!

Oh & today after so many years , I've kept fast ( counts for a really special day!) I'm not the one against it but was never forced to keep fast all these years & when I really wanted to ..I'd come to know of it almost after half the day would pass!
So today being a really special day , I hope some miracle occurs :P
This year I'll keep almost all possible fast as I have my inter exams.I'm mean!

"Don't believe in miracles - RELY on them." I read this somewhere long time back.
Thats what I do all the time!
Ok , I think God should really really be kind to me.

I'm hungry & its pretty ironic that the day you keep fast is the day you desperately want to eat Pizza!
God??? HELP ME!