Central Park NYC

I've been through soooo much shit in the past 2 or 3 years ..that I have no idea what I've become. Maybe little less human. :\
Ok weird.

But now I challenge you to stone my head ( metaphorically ofcourse) - and I won't tether. No reaction.  kuch nahi hoga mujhe . It wouldn't matter to me.
Because I've seen worse.😅

'Things happen for good'. 

I wish to raise questions on this.

Is it good if it makes you stone hearted ?
Is it good if it robs you off of any little emotions that you had kept away from getting bruised ?
It is good if it brain fogs your very being ?

How good really?

But we don't have a reverse gear , do we ? Not to change things that have reached to this conclusion  , instead not having to deal with them in the first place altogether.

All I can eventually take with are lessons (which would serve what great purpose - am still unaware of! ) Lessons which cost me an arm & a leg. A roller coaster of every fiber of my emotion.

I pledged to value myself. To love myself. However, its fizzling out in this frenzy of what seems to be an everlasting loop of keeping hopes on a tenterhook.
And yet I try.
We all want to see that silver lining , innit ? Even if it means we might just have to hallucinate it - just for namesake!

In all of this chaos - which I deliberately refrained from penning down , there's ofcourse something GOOD I'd like to keep on these pages.


Its this wonderful ethereal place. This surreal moment.
 Bathseda Central Park NYC. 

You never know fountains are such a beauty untill you see this one!

Thank you for this.

 Not my click. The clickmaniac in me didn't click the most perfect spot! Pfft.

P.S. : I'm filmy! 

For my Soul Sister

My dearest Sugar Free . .

We've come a long way...

...from playing hopscotch to fighting to secure the 'queen's chair' on dining.

From forcing you to eat sweets to skillfully coaxing you to reveal your secret shopping places :P

From the endless jokes that we cracked  to the inexplicable conditions we never complicated.

 From the secrets that we shared to the trust that we built rock solid.

From my non stop grumblings to your endless patience.

From our mutual complaints to that smile & charm that never diminishes your zeal.

In between and among all this... what has always remained untouched & uncorrupted  is our

unconditional love.

And I just want you to know that -
You are not just my sister. You are my soul sister.
I heart you. I miss you. And I absolutely love being around you.
The bond that we share is overwhelming.
There are no explanations ..and no demands in our relation.
Silence between us is comfortable...
Wait....for that matter...there is NO silence when we are together :P

I like how you console me.How you never judge me.
How you never give up on my rants. How you always manage to make me smile.
How you take my place of being 'elder' and support me.

 Its my previlege & great luck to have you in my life.
Stay the way you are ..always.And also always stay with me :)

And please learn to be punctual :P

***  Happy Twentieth Sugar :)
Won't force you to eat cake today :P
It'll truly be your sugar free day :P Giving you just one opportunity  in the whole damn year ..:D
make the most of it :D lol ;)

Love you lots :))

Selfless gratitude

Sometimes hearing 'Be Brave' in a relaxed -yet -in- all -seriousness -tone from ONE person is far greater than twenty others asking you to take care.

Its a skill to be able to convey a message with all genuineness.The one who hears gains some momentum in his/her strength.Feels good :)

Thanks to my hottest friends for being my coolest energy drink.
Thank you for NOT sympathizing.

Thank you God.Thank you Mom.
Thank you my extended family.
Thanks to P1 & P2.Thanks to my brother.
No thanks to dad : you never warned me ?!?!

I am exhausted .On top of that I'm losing my temper in same magnitude as am draining out.I need to act 19 , for god sake! Or atleast very responsible.Perfectly responsible.So that nobody gets to makes a fuss of my tiny lethargic flaws.


The latest in self-realization is that : I've at last put a debate with myself on hold - of whether I'm selfish or not.
My innocent self doesn't allow me to see myself selfish.I haven't reached a conclusion as yet , but I guess its leading to a way that's telling me that I have faith on my rather indescribable confidence OR I have confidence in my rather indescribable faith BUT NOT SELFISH.Either of the two but certainly one of the two.
I can't let a third option pop-in because that can only be lethargy , considering which is a pain to me.
Maybe I should stop debating.Its OK to be a little selfish , isn't it ? And its OK not to be ;)

Focusing back to priorities - THANK GOD! I mean thank YOU God! :))
I wasn't scared at all.I knew everything would be abs fine.
Thank you dad.( I don't exactly know for what - for telling something & yet hiding something more imp. But thanks now that you did tell SOME thing which is good & detailed )

Dad's happy :-)

Dad seems to be so content.He always is.
He doesn't just say things..he really means it.So yes he is celebrating every day of his life in spite of all the other things that add tension in life. I wish he knew what celebration meant to me.
Dad pleaseeeee lemme go watch Wolverine , lol

He'd been to this all men party yesterday given by one of his club's friend.
And he enjoyed A LOT
He was telling me how everybody was singing ..talking..& the joy with which he said made me very happy.
People even complimented him when they heard him sing.
And today in the morning he was all praises for music which is going to help me make my efforts stronger to sing ;)
yup , am back to mujik.Trying to sing
I'm not at all good with high & low notes which is everything about singing lol
And then I sing in a way that is inaudible to myself :-
But sir's been encouraging me so am gonna do my bit - make some genuine effort.

Coming back to my daddy dearest..Happy Father's day pitashri! :P
You're the best!!! Thanks for being so kind when I've been my worst.
Thanks a lot.

Cute cut ? Alien cut!

Last week wasn't great at all.My stupid mistakes.My highly untrustworthy temper & friends who give a little hint like you could skip a paper and re-attempt in few months.
Scolding from parents.Terrible one! Horrible!
My mind was on catastrophe.Thank god I didn't took time out to blog 'bout it! :D
I mean really THANK GOD I did not.
I understand blogging is an addiction of sort.If not for writing a post , at least for signing in again & again to see blog updates , reading listed & unlisted blogs , comments etc.
But once again , Thank god!

I like the fact that I actually believe in 'whatever happens - happens for the good'
Old dull saying to excuse ourselves from reality. ( we only say it during tough times ) But I like it.Specially because it has been a kind of blessing in disguise.I'm not getting in details.Thank god!! :D

The only case to point out where I do not comply with the old saying is when I got a haircut!
I mean a bad haircut cannot do anybody good!!
Although I had a haircut just two months back ( when I took Madonna's pic of her blond layered haircut which is too sexy only if you have such hair ) , I decided to trim 'em again.My hair has started falling rapidly again.Its been more than 6 months I recovered from typhoid , after which my hair was literally DISSOLVING.I took homeopathic treatment which did wonders but only for a while.My hair's getting thinner day by day & I have no idea what to do bout it!
At least no sane person would wash her hair with 3 shampoos together ?! I used to do that.Cut short to two shampoos presently :P

Anyway so I got a haircut (not at all worthy ) which is not even anything great.I just couldn't decide if I wanted to trim my hair or experiment something again.In the end , like always , I was tempted to experiment which had me asking for Fringes.Why did the bloody b u t c h e r not suggest me not to get fringes ??!! with that thin lifeless hair ??!! WHY !?!
I thought it wasn't that bad either anyway and so I spared her my anger.

For three days , dad's been watching my hairdo carefully making me very uncomfortable.Finally he said , " What kind of hairstyle is that ? Looks like an ALIEN cut"
I was like O M G! I had almost started thinking it was rather cute but cut = alien ???! :

I'm obviously mad.Whatever happens with a haircut never happens for the good.Why do I always land up with an unusual or boring haircut ? The Madonna type haircut wasn't a disaster as such but to get my hair look like that way , it would have been a daily exercise of blow dry which I wasn't going to do anyway.I've spoiled my hair in all these years.Earlier I used to wash them with herbs :( shampoo is so my foe now :((

Exam's over.But that's not a relief yet.
I want some nice summer holidays which do not require me to get back to some actual studies while scraping surfing & movies.
I cannot live w/o watching movies!

United We Stand!

Blood relations are happy, healthy & strong.No matter what happened , & what could have happened - together we create a sea of twinkling contentment & joy. I never thought or even wanted to think of the time we could be together but now that we are ..it feels like routine.Its been 4 years now that we had stopped all possible communication with my second elder uncle & their family.Correction* - They cut off all kind of contact with us. Reason still unknown.But thats not important.The good thing ..the great thing..they are back :)

Its going to take a lot of time for the ice to break between my parents & my uncle & aunt.But for my two sisters & me , it couldn't be a problem.12 years of togetherness + the 2 yrs of fun that we'd had after separation , overshadowed 4 years of abandonment.
I don't wish to know why they did what they did.I appreciate what they have done now.Past is dark , hurts & induces rage among us but the present & the future prospects are just equally bright.I love my sisters as much as I did anytime before & its great that we don't have to wait for any common event where we could be together & talk endlessly.

I went for dinner at their place after 4 years & it seemed like just yesterday when I was last there.
Thats blood relation...fragile but healthy.
We talked , laughed till our stomach started crunching.Priyanka & I can go laughing about any damn silly thing.Sometimes we laugh in silence as well.
Thats blood relation - sappy & happy.
We shared secrets.Yes , after a long time.I'm the listener ..always.So basically Priyanka spoke her heart out.And others too just generally discussed a lot of things.
Thats blood relation...strong enough to have an automated trust system.

I'm happy.Not overjoyed as I didn't ever expect that the coldness between us would never end.I somehow knew we all are going to be together once again :)
I had a wonderful time being with everyone.It was our new home's vastu pooja on the 12th.And the entire occasion passed peacefully & joyfully.Thanks to my 4 first cousins.And of course a special thanks to my sweet little brother who has been the bridge & key element in uniting our family.

The importance of big family is realized only in its presence.It gives a feeling of pride , strength & confidence.Lots of happiness & support alongside.Thank you so much all of you!! I'm so excitedly looking forward to spending time with all of them again.
In fact what could have been a better start than 24 of us going together for a late night show ? :P Yup , we watched Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi.Now as far as the movie is concerned ..I just kept laughing all the time as I was sitting next to priyanka.This younger taller sister of mine is crazy.Prachi is never done with her sarcasm.She's funny too.My cousin elder brothers also have the best damn sense of humor on this earth.Complete package of fun :)

I finally bought a cell phone as well.After almost 2 months lol.Thats icing on the cake!

The Tribute

I read To Kill a Mockingbird a couple of months back. And I read it again after a gap of 3 months because I didn't follow it well the first time I read it . In fact , it happens with me every now & then. I read any interesting novel or classic , I hurry a lot to finish up reading it . Mostly out of excitement. So I do ignore lots of things , that being the reason I haven't been able to follow some stuff that I read. And for the mockingbird..I don't think I still have answers to all my questions. I mean , yeah I did understand it better than before but I still have too many doubts and issues. Its a classic. So why the hell am I so serious ? Because it is a classic !! Not some Sidney Sheldon crap where everything & anything happens & it really doesn't matter what's what by the end of it . I might not understand the classic yet..but I've got the essence of it. At least a part of it is something I felt in my life & can relate to it . So its not really fully 'bout understanding what you read , its more 'bout being able to apply it in your life & juicing out the crux of your issue. And so far as my story goes..its all for mom !

I felt very hurt because of some major emotional setback . Ok it ain't that major & that's why I'm not even going to state it . Its about complications in relations with people whom I love being with ! Unfortunately , there's not much that can be done now. And I seriously don't want to create any drama just for the heck of it ! All I know is , I bursted out crying after I realized what's been going on. Its a little too complicated to explain so much so that even I'm myself unable to sort it out just to know the reason behind it . But anyway , I know what I felt that time. I couldn't believe I was crying. That day I felt so bogged down that even a pizza & chocolate cake wouldn't have been able to offset the feelings. Mom added her part to it & I had butterflies in my stomach. I always mocked bout her anger , but it seemed like my entire argument-session with her revolved around my eyes . I always said that I look out at things from her point of view but No ! I don't ! I never did ! It was a fallacy on my part & it just broke . I really for the first time ever in my life realized what it was by viewing things from her eyes. All I did so far was looking at things from her angle but not her eyes. Now I know what the little kid in the classic meant by stepping into the shoes of her dad & looking out at everything. [ OK no I ain't so dumb not to understand that phrase ..I know what stepping into some one's shoes means ]
I finally understood her feelings , her anger , her frustration this day because I myself was hurt. I could imagine how much hurt she was when she went through that bad phase of her life. And she still is. Because she is a mom . Because her perspective bout life isn't like my dad. But I don't have any problem with that. She just cannot make herself forget the past & I know why !! That is where I know what it is to be looking at things from someone else's point of view. Its not just about the different interpretation of the issue , but a lot about understanding the feelings on the same front. I have paid a tribute to my mom . No I didn't start learning up cooking which she badly wants me to nor did I make her veryyyy out-of-the-world happy ! But having understanding her correctly & respecting her for the same , is my tribute !!

Ok , a lot being sappy now ! The tribute doesn't mean that things have suddenly changed & I listen to all all all that she has to tell me . It also doesn't mean that I've started behaving differently towards my mom. I'm all the same . We still argue a lot but What makes me happy is the fact that I finally finally realized what it is being my mom . And its making me feel a lot Free as well . Cheers to the Freedom ! though I ....Wonder what captured me anyway ?

And it seems like its been a month of tribute . I paid tribute to my music sir as well. I think I've been doing that since long ..at least every time I play harmonium in rhythm & stupendously ! But that's a sense of Joy that a teacher feels when his/her student performs well. My sir is a poor old man. He is poor that he cannot afford a land line phone connection. He is poor that he manages two meal a day for him & his son & that's all that he wants ! I' never really got to know him a lot personally but the day when he was rejoicing over the fact that I'm his Fave student because I adopt the technicals of music pretty quick & all that jazz...he got a little sentimental & told me that for him life is music & music is life ! There are many music -lovers I've known but none like him who can create a handsome fortune out of his talent ( he's old & poor but a man of extraordinary talents ) & yet has done nothing to coin money. I had an urge to ask him why did he not earn much or why didn't he even ever try to use his talent on a big scale . I did ask him that . He didn't have much to say ..nor did he seem to regret anything. What impressed me a lot was that he wasn't running for money in spite of the fact that he is actually running out of money !! This topic pops a lot many times & he's happy all the time for what he is ! There are few things which cannot be explained & few emotions that cannot be made to emote on paper. And there are few questions which will always be left unanswered. All because emotions cannot be rationalized ! And I respect my sir more & more as each day passes by ..
When I feel bad for and about someone & I step down in his/her shoes to watch out for all that has happened , is happening & will happen. ....& I pay my tribute !

Gifted my sir a cell phone :)

Did you notice , I gave a very calm cool "awwww-so-cute-humble-smile" . lol looks fake , doesn't it ? Did you notice I just smugged ? Only because I'm so proud of what I've done ! But the fact is I ain't all that good ..& let me just put down the bad side ..Sir asked me a hundred times to buy him a cell phone as he could not afford to spend so much amount at one go ! And I ignored his request a hundred times ! I just heard him ..never listened ! Why I did so is something indescribable..I really don't know what made me not do him a little favor for so long ! But I'm amazed by his talent ! He plays the musical instruments Harmonium , Tabla & Flute so fine that you feel as if he has just spell a cast on you ! The mojo of music when he plays the instrument is superb !

There are still many people to whom I have to pay my tribute but I'll do that only when I strongly feel for it because that is when it will honestly come out.There is something really Great about Genuinely offering Gratitude to the people who matter a lot in your life !! And well my tribute to my dad is an on-going process which has to be re-processed since I haven't followed him well lately.

On its way dad ...A Tribute !