Can you define ?

 And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

These are the lyrics of a song.And I can so fit them @ how I feel right now.

I'd been to my college few days back with some of my 11th 12th grade friends ( who were with me in the same coll back then ) And it felt weird - Not nostalgic or that sense of deja vu..since I rarely ever missed my coll -  but something strange.

Being together at a place with the same people I'd once been with - felt odd.
Like I said..I never missed my coll but these strange feelings were making me sappy and yet I did not cry.Not even after coming back home. 
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming.

And although so far I've never really said that I 'enjoyed' my to-be-called-high-school-days , I cannot deny I had an amazing time.Only that I never wanted to agree that my coll & coll friends weren't that bad.. 
Or ( Can't fight ) the moment of truth in your lies

So many 'events' flashed by my eyes as I strolled in the corridor.Plus when my friend added..."Ah ..is this our coll ?" I could actually feel myself virtually fainting.Yes this is dramatic.But you know how it is..like they shoot in movies ? The scene where the camera angle rolls round or goes slow into a direction..showing shades of sepia or black and white and the sound of the voices are suppressed and echoed - the kind which you hear when your ears are blocked.I was experiencing almost the same.
 When everything seems like the movies

I remembered everything.
French class.Exams.Gossips.Scandals.Friends.Canteen! My debacles at chem lab.
Bunking practical for auditioning at Radio Mirchi where of course I never got selected. 
Tutions.And tution mates.Rain! Accident.
Oh so many things! Important or not.Just so many goddamn things!

Its amazing how brain works sometimes.It never lets you forget things that are going to bitterly twist the insides of your stomach and heart only to emotionally paralyze you for few hours.
It hurt me.All these things..
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

Heck.I cldn't belive I never looked back and thought about these things.It was as if I let it all go after waking up from a long dream.Not done!

Maybe now I understand why I feel odd every time  -

I see an empty campus ( meomory associated with my exam centre )

Or when I hear some particular song .( Memory associated with the times when I used to hear those songs)

Weird weird weird!

Can someone define something which is not nostalgia OR Deja Vu..but is very much inclusive of re-visiting old memories and at the same time not badly-missing-those-days / moments ..but still being hurt just by remembering them ?!

Perplexed Puzzle

I'm a puzzle.A wandering puzzle.A refugee.I take a dis comfortable place very comfortably in the lives of perplexed souls.As of now..I'm frequently visiting Namarta alias Sugar cube.She thinks I like her a lot but I'm unable to explain her that she is the one who invites me almost unknowingly.I come & stay as a guest.I remain for as long as she wants me to be with her.I like to irk her. I'm more than just a jigsaw puzzle.I'm not pieces.I'm cut into a hundred parts after my arrival.

Sugar cube loves to have me at times.Its fun for her to solve me.To dissolve me.But when I return , I bring along my peers.More puzzles.Sugar cube liked solving me , no ? So I thought she would like to have more of our species.But she detests.However we are not the kind of guests who fancy being ill-treated.Either solve us or bear the complication of having us.We do not disappear until our host finds a solution.

I'm a strong puzzle.But I like to come in packages.Sometimes I hoodwink.I'm assumed to be my distant relative - confusion.I like being under the wraps & I do not reveal myself until the confusion stops making sense.I'm no saint. I'm no devil either.

I come by my own will but I do not go by my will.I'm a twisted loop.A spring waiting to be stretched until it looses its elasticity.Its difficult to get rid of me but am not very difficult by myself.A calm , cool , collected creature won't spun me around & chuck me out in the garbage.Did I not tell I'm strong ? Powerful.I cannot be destroyed.I can only be solved.

Talking of sugar cube ...she has jacketed me with a trench coat of restlessness.I come as a puzzle & she makes me more of a puzzle.She now knows she is not just confused.I turned her into a battered creature.Numb she may be but I still silently hurt her.Its not my fault , really.What am I ? Just a Puzzle.Not a complication.Not a confusion.I can be solved.Don't make me eat your sorrow.Don't make me drink your anxiety.That's none of my business & yet again lemme warn you - don't leave me unattended ;)

I sleep when she asks me to go away but am still near her. I hang around her to remind her I'm still a part of a larger puzzle she already owns - Life.

She thinks she solved a young puzzle chum of mine .She cannot take the credits for that though. The young fellow had other interesting lives to attack.So the puzzle went away.She did not scare him away. She was disturbed two-three days back & I take full charge of that.Yes she can rightly blame me! Of the two things that bothered her - she has decided not give a damn for one of the two & for the other , she's talked heart-to-heart with her plum cake.All good.

I 'm observing - someone painted back a faded color for her.That resulted into her forgetting me once again.I'm on a break till the time the color is fresh.

Btw , I also happen to see that she has got a new haircut which is nothing short of a disaster.However I'm baffled , really , me - the puzzle - is baffled that she did not cry at all.No wonder how she is habitual of having terrible haircuts.Of what I remember I also saw a silhouette sitting on the staircase - staring the window - her head hung down & her palms pumping her cheeks.She did cry a little after all.
I'll be back my dearest battered sugar cube.Stay puzzled.

Puzzle , oh dear puzzle! You're funny mate! I'm waiting to kick your ass once again.

Accepting Expecting

There are so many times when I've heard so many people say that one shouldn't expect anything out of anyone.Forget anyone , one should expect nothing out of their most loved & closed ones. But I always wonder how can it work that way '?? I can guarantee that all these people just make an attempt at sounding strong..but there can be no way you can reach a state where you expect 'NOTHING from people close to you.

Maybe Its one of the ways to save oneself from getting hurt. But how will life move on without looking up to someone ? Isn't it natural to expect ??? And pretty much Justified. Why would someone expect anything out from a stranger ?

No genuine relationship can ever shrink on the basis of expectations unfulfilled. I mean give a break! We all have mood swings. We all have our own desires.And we all are selfish. So what if once in a blue moon we or someone else do not do things as are assumed ? It will utmost hurt .So many things hurt in life.We all are used to being hurt in some or other form.Whats the big deal anyway ?

Everything in life needn't have hard & fast Rules. Flexibility is so important.

I expect.I bloody expect a lot. And am not crushed to death when I'm disappointed.
I understand everybody has problems in their lives & they cannot always behave the way I want them to. Give 'em the freedom .Don't shoot.
Although the expectations and non-expected events or words depends on time & situation..generally there is no need at all to frown over it.People can be different , they can be indifferent. Keep the options open.Yes , if someones deceiving , then the situation differs but otherwise I accept that I expect.

Now onto friendships & being mean.I call most of my close friends mean out of fun.But on a serious note ..I wonder why people do not realize that Friends are never mean & if someone is mean ..why is that person a friends in the first place ?? What are friends ? People you have fun with ? People you can confide upon ? People with whom there is an unspoken pact that they will be there for you each & every time ? Then how much does it matter how many times that friend of yours ask you for a favor ? And why not ? Friends have the RIGHT to demand anything from you.Because again here , they expect ;)
I've felt a lot of times that my 'friends' came to me just when they needed me.Now when I look back , they were at my call just when I needed them too. But I also know..some of 'em are not my 'friends'. Those are just the ppl I KNOW. People I may have talked a few times with.Shared something.But not friends.

Not that with keeping expectations from others & others with me ..I can always promise to help.But I won't cheat.I may lie if I feel something is not right or my excuses aren't worth , but it will all be for the good in the end ; that keeping in mind that I'm easily envious of people around me.Of my bestest friends. I may have even bitched bout them which I still am not guilty about. It was a part of my mood swing.And its like every year , my friends must grant me 5 mood swings for free where I can go about the unexpected.If there are more , they must penalize me.I won't mind.

Most things in life are actually Simple.Clean.Clear.Calm
They just look complicated.
July to me seems the month of self realized philosophies.

Lost & Found

A part of life is like a huge sea shore.
There are a hundred thousand and more people in the form of sea shells & conch.

Some you pick , some catch your attention , some hurt you when you walk over them , some are discolored but in the end - they all are the sea shells ; the people - The people you've met & the people whom you've known for a while or more.They somehow stay with you.They become a part of you because you are at the beach.But they never mean much to you..because they all look Alike. Because they all are a part of a unique herd but not so unique as individuals.

Now what if you find a distinctive feature in the collection ?? But you hide it..not because you do not want anybody to burgle away your booty but because you believe its not a pearl you were looking for or wanted.Nothing you can show off.

You dig a pit in the sand.Conceal your discoveries & long forget you'd accidentally found one.You assume its just another thing.Nothing unique.

After a long time ..you find yourself digging the same place.Yearning to see your hideous material out of curiosity.Did anyone else find it ? Is it still there ? If it is..should I take it along ? Will it be of any use ? Just another shell ?
You are tired.Not lazy but casual about looking for a long forgotten shell.So you leave it as it is.And since it is a vast patch of sand you have footed upon , you decide to naturally run into other shells.

You still don't know if it was deliberate , if someone just wanted you to know what you have been missing but all of a sudden someone calls you out , runs towards you , places something in your hands , and says " You really were looking for it , weren't you ? Why did you give up then ? If anything precious deserves you & you deserve it..it has to come to you even before you realize its worth."

I found the shell back or should I say the shell found me ?
There was a pearl inside it which I never noticed but to this day - I want to declare its worth.

The best part is my pearl shined like a thousand diamonds without any polish =)
I am thrilled . As if butterflies weren't enough for the week , lol.

Sure am popular for a few disguised pearls ;) So what if they're only a FEW ? Quantity doesn't matter.Connection does. ..Apart from quality.Pearls are highly qualitative btw.The weather is beautiful.Adds warmth to the entire episode.