2020

The last decade has been a basket of regrets for me.

You always learn better. You always outgrow yourself.
There's a remainder to the equation. Always something to takeaway. 

But some decisions COULD have altered life tremendously. Those are the ones I regret.

If I would do a quick rewind of the decade , the snapshot and the lessons with them look something like this - 

• Fell in and out of love rather quickly but without ease. ( Too fast in , too slow out ! - just in case that's not obvious)
• Bad career choices. Or just too many :/
• People got married. I fretted. But I enjoyed the weddings. And upped my glam game.
• People even had kids! I slumped. Over years I have kind of grown fond of kids or just babies till they become pesky kids.
• Adulting is just not happening to me. *Still single*
• I still fear marriage. Back in 2013 and all the way down to the end of 19 - fear is constant maybe even elevated.
• Cribbing has gotten a new identity of its own. My complaints haven't changed. But so have I not.
• Was almost getting married until I called it off . I sometimes wonder if it would have worked out. See I have a problem - I never let the bygones be  bygones. 
• People have a way of coming back to me. And maybe you got to show them the door before you let them into your home again. Say hello & quickly bid adieu.
• Cynicism for love remains almost about same. ( daydreaming is still on ) But I love I have a pov & a strong opinion that I voice out as need may be. 
• I am emotionally stronger. Too much self indulgence  of emotions has plummeted which is a good thing. I needed it. Experiences make you strong. 
• Stopped seeking validation & attention. Grew comfortable in my own skin. And started to like what I see in the mirror.
• Still working on that flat tummy ! haha 
• Asking out school crush for a coffee 10-12 years after leaving school. Phew! That was one major tick. I don't know why its both disappointing & relieving at the same time. But glad - its done & dusted
• Travelled to so many beautiful places - Hong Kong , China , Dubai , Paris , Italy , Swiss & US of A & Kashmir. Went to see the Taj Mahal & colosseum in the same year. Everything with family . Very thankful to dad for the same.
• Took an amazing trip to Ladakh with a group where I knew just one person. Its a different thing that group or the person never got back to me. Offended much. Lol
• Fell in love with New York. Also had my little bollywood moment. Little ?? NO. BIG moment. But again done & dusted. Never getting it back. *sobs*
• Got a tattoo - cosmetic one on my brows . Lol. Made me look less chinniii! 
• Learnt to cook & can cook decently. Not as fast as mom though. I'm quite a mess in kitchen. from learning to chop onions to cooking exotic mexican . I owe it to youtube!
• still cannot bake a good cake!
• I was more enthusiastic at the start of the decade than in the later half.
• I looked better somewhere mid way of the decade and that's coz I sincerely worked on my skin body etc.  Towards the end of the decade things have slowed down. Possibly because  I'm just fine the way I am. Take it or leave it.
• Don't FEEL at home despite being a home person. Or maybe its just a house.
• Not very proud of my friend circle but glad to have one or two people I can count on . Forever. And I mean it - forever. Very very thankful for the same.
• Been obsessed with dressing & clicking pictures even before it became a thing on gram. I'm getting a little old fashioned now. Dress to feel better & LOOK at the view before clicking. Toning down obsession. Its really futile unless its profession. We are no influencers.
• I have accepted the fact that I'm not the favourite child. Infact I'm not even LESS favourite child. My dad obviously loves my brother more not because he's wayy too youung but because he's a BOY. Lets face it. Sexism in the family is high. And I'm ok now. I've sobbed, hurt ,pained etc. But now I accept it and have lost any will to prove that I'm equally deserving. This also could be because I haven't made my parents proud. So I bear the guilt. But its ok. Its ok!
• Outgrowing over people you think are your closed ones. Its challenging but when the tides are low nobody's there with you. 
• still working on gratitude. 
• Last six months of '19 - I meditated. Which lead me to pray more and pray effectively. I'm on a spiritual journey & I love it. I don't know if I've made it my escape mechanism but the journey is peaceful & reassuring when everything seems to be falling apart. Meditation has been insightful and also scary. 
• still fighting off inner demons. 
• Also when you retrospect you realize that the things that scared you the most ..your biggest fears come true!! Maybe should have just worked to overpower them than welcoming the shit to get real!
• I'm detached from most people now. Its not a fulfilling experience but with age you learn to hold your head high than lean on others. 
• Never share your weaknesses even with your best ! NEVER
• Never let anyone control you - not even for a min. You should space it the moment controlling begins.
• Don't do unnecessary favours to others when you know a little of their character. Nobody owes you. Everyone forgets the good deeds made. Also - don't take any goddamn favours!!
• I wish I had better guidance all through these years. a guardian angel!

That's all for now. I hope my 30s bring positivity success & smiles!
I've lived too much in my own bubble. My extravagant imaginations. Maybe its time to set foot on ground and break that bubble.

****
I wrote this before the pandemic began. Now with the lockdown - life does seem to be mulling on the dark side. But I'm glad it got me closer to my brother and mom. I'm glad that my family has been supportive. I'm thankful to God for getting us through the toughest times this very year!

Thank you!!! 

Central Park NYC

I've been through soooo much shit in the past 2 or 3 years ..that I have no idea what I've become. Maybe little less human. :\
Ok weird.

But now I challenge you to stone my head ( metaphorically ofcourse) - and I won't tether. No reaction.  kuch nahi hoga mujhe . It wouldn't matter to me.
Because I've seen worse.😅

'Things happen for good'. 

I wish to raise questions on this.

Is it good if it makes you stone hearted ?
Is it good if it robs you off of any little emotions that you had kept away from getting bruised ?
It is good if it brain fogs your very being ?

How good really?

But we don't have a reverse gear , do we ? Not to change things that have reached to this conclusion  , instead not having to deal with them in the first place altogether.

All I can eventually take with are lessons (which would serve what great purpose - am still unaware of! ) Lessons which cost me an arm & a leg. A roller coaster of every fiber of my emotion.

I pledged to value myself. To love myself. However, its fizzling out in this frenzy of what seems to be an everlasting loop of keeping hopes on a tenterhook.
And yet I try.
We all want to see that silver lining , innit ? Even if it means we might just have to hallucinate it - just for namesake!

In all of this chaos - which I deliberately refrained from penning down , there's ofcourse something GOOD I'd like to keep on these pages.


Its this wonderful ethereal place. This surreal moment.
 Bathseda Central Park NYC. 

You never know fountains are such a beauty untill you see this one!

Thank you for this.

 Not my click. The clickmaniac in me didn't click the most perfect spot! Pfft.

P.S. : I'm filmy! 

Its tough to hold on to memories.

 People - we can let go , in time..when the dust settles.

But memories ?

They're  a bunch of beautifully painful ( or painfully beautiful ? ) moments you capture in your heart saving them like a souvenir , gradually unknowingly letting them turn into beasts & drum into your emptiness.

* Just because you idolise someone or look upto them ..doesn't mean you have to approve or agree  with them on everything.
 They can be WRONG too.

* Secrets are best remained secrets with yourself.
They are your worst weakness.
 My biggest lesson has been that NO MATTER how close you are to someone - never share something that can be backfired at you.
People irrespective of their importance to you ..are always waiting for an opportunity.

* It isn't always the best thing to call a spade a spade. Or atleast not the best time.
Immediate reactions can be lethal.

* Everything is good from a distance. Even friendships.

* Yes , you just have to learn to ignore few things in life that are  running around you. Because you cannot do anything about them.Even when it hurts..even when it bothers.
Don't take it to heart. Wear it off.

* Smile. Talk. Smile. Talk less but smile.

Pickle

The thing is sometimes some energies / feelings are so wasted - you cannot make pickle out of them.
( In my mother tongue I say - Ye feeling ka acchar dalu kya ?? :p )

So we wait for some things to end. Anticipating pain does not lessen it though.

Then there's always that emptiness.

So when a person comes back into your life after a long time with all the apology drama and all - and you let them in. Its a disaster in disguise.

Forgiveness is a tool we use to make peace with ourselves.

But giving another chance ..is knowingly running into the blind.

It feels like its not worth having those feelings.
You cannot contain them with you.

And therefore some memories should remain where they are.
 Tweaking them  can only create problems again.

Why open old wounds ?

There is no point in holding back to moments you once let go.

Shades of grey ?

Is it true ? Is there something beyond black & white ?

Can all things , people , feelings be categorized into two extreme ends ? Or does everything has its shades of grey ?

Ambiguous or amalgamation of good and bad ..conflicting  yet together yin & yang ?

Is that how all exists ? No black or white but only in grey ?

Wiser ?

Wisdom is being able to dissect your feelings from a situation.

In some cases , wisdom is not letting emotions run too high on decisions.

 Some things are wrong because they're wrong. Feelings cannot make them right.

Wisdom is adapting to change ( something I miserably fail at! )

Wisdom is finding new ways than beating around the bush on a load of old crap.

Wisdom is in developing enough power to break bonds that cannot coexist.

Luck supports in extreme cases.
But at all other times. .its wisdom that you need the most!

Wisdom isn't all about making the right decision. Its about making one at the right time!