Ok. This time - walk a mile in my 'high heels'

Normalization is difficult , no doubt.
Specially since  along with it..there will be changed behaviours and attitude.

Ofcourse ,  I hate the idea of losing the friendship. It was amazing.

I cannot be indifferent regarding the whole thing. And am not talking about that one episode. Am talking about the aggregate of what has been going since a long time.
The cumulative effect is massive.

So , yes..maybe it does not actually hurt. But it  certainly feels bad.

 When I've chosen to let go. It implies =>
You loose me = I loose you!

It not one sided! The loss is on BOTH of us.

You say feelings do not change overnight. Thats true.
But behavior does. And somewhere tagging along the same..feelings will change too.
They have to. I see no other option.

I haven't made a stubborn decision. I already know the best possible reaction.
And am gonna follow it.
I should trust my guts now.. because I've been right about almost everything EXCEPT that one thing that is making me look like a complete fool here. Not that 'you' fooled me. Only ,  I fooled myself!

Yes,  I'll ignore.

And yet , we all know..it can never be like before.



I do not judge this mess on right or wrong parameters.

For me - It was unfair.

It was fucking unfair.

I give too much. Selfishly speaking.. I never got back much - plus as for now - whatever I did get in return , to me , it ceases to be bonafide.

Walk a mile in my shoes.

Listen.

I understand its possible to like two people at the same time , where those two like you back too.
And we are only talking about liking. You aren't even the villain. You're the hero.
 But its not manageable to set your feet in two boats.
Confusing. Hell , yeah!
If I were in your place...I would have gone mad much before.
Your persistence and willingness to keep alive this triangle-like bonding is what led this , this far.
  However , its not manageable to  not be inclined towards atleast one of them ... and try so hard not to lose the other.

Because you know what..you've already lost the other one.
She has an emotional error. She knows you care.
She only can't believe it completely. She doesn't feel it.
And she wishes to be set free.

And let me tell you..its not hurting anyone.  For as far as I understand...I do not understand this concoction of friendships , love , feelings , care since it is only getting discursive with every passing day.
Plus what can hurt..when nobody is doing wrong ? 

Maybe we should just let it go. And thats what I beg - Let it go..!
  
No justifications. No explanations. No obligation.No apologizing.

All you may know..When something doesn't feel right..it just doesn't feel right. 
She hasn't stopped caring. She isn't cutting off. 
She's only untying a knot that shouldn't be there anymore.

And most of all...she's letting YOU free!

Road back home.

I now fully and responsibly accept being a part of one of the world's most famous stereotype - women can't drive!!

Not that I cannot drive at all...but there is no doubt that we girls lack some basic sense when it comes to judgement while driving , parking or even reversing the car.

I made my car fell into a roadside pit / sinkhole while on reverse. I was sooo confident about taking the reverse , that I hurriedly accelerated.
And boom! before I could gather all the shouting - we were dangling at 75 degree with only the front left wheel on the border of the road. The car was tilted. And had I been 2 secs late in stopping the car...the back right wheel would have been in a puddle of mud -- Quick sand !!

I was so panicked ..my friends fought hard not to laugh. They did not even dare to click pictures while I was helplessly fidgeting. ( about which they sldn't have bothered and just clicked !:P )
I would have blacked out if we wouldn't have been able to take my car out. Specially since we were a little  away from the city in a village to do an assignment on rural marketing! Ofcourse the parents weren't aware. :D  THAT in itself made me  a complete nervous wreck. I was telling myself I would allow minor injuries to my car..but the possibility of not being able to take it back home .. was making my head spin around.
 I wasn't doing anything other than randomly asking the villagers if the car could be pulled out :O

The kids got quite an entertainment for the day! 12-15 of them gathered around , laughed , asked our names..wanted to know wouldn't our parents scold us :D Lol

I was trying to be calm. It wasn't working. The friends made their best effort in pushing the car but to no good. There wasn't even a tractor available  for us to tow!!

In an hour..we managed to gather 7-8 people to help us out. At that point - the car ignition wasn't working! Or so I thought. I panicked so much that instead of asking my friend to put the foot on the clutch for ignition , I kept on yelling - accelerate!! :D

And finally with added efforts...it was the BULLOCK CART that towed my car out :D

I'd like to believe my prayers had a role too. I was praying badly.

Toofani experience. It somehow doesn't feel like a big deal when its all over and cool. But at that point - it was killing me. I was hating myself for driving so terribly!

I've always felt that the road back home is shorter. But this was my longest drive back to home , ever.

Unfriending.

I'm too blunt and open.
I display my emotions rather easily even if I avoid it to my best.
Specially if am upset or irritated.

But I hardly speak up. I hardly express the 'why' part. I hardly share.

Maybe that sends me into the depress zone for too long ... yet I find it much comfortable than having to TELL people where they have been at fault.
You never explain friends , do you ?
Plus the last thing you want is an explanation in return !

Its not that I keep too much expectation..but a little gesture can change things. Can change feelings.

And I believe...saying that you care is NEVER enough.
If you do , show it!

They call it -  giving space.

 I call it - taking for granted.

No, I call it  - YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL !

And despite this rant..I'd never go and complaint.

...Burning all my mute ire over calories.

Vintage.And mad thoughts.

Too much has been going on in and around me. So many things in my head...the mashup made me not want to express any of it , at all.
But I certainly made some theories. At least so I could scribble them down!

Apart from that..the excitement quotient has been quite down.
Like doing absolutely NOTHING special for a VERY dear friend.
Or not really catching up to the vibrant energy at Hard Kaur's concert.
( She's rocking btw! )

I enjoyed the 'vintage' part of the month though.
Visited my aunt's ancestral home which is about 150-200 yr old. Needless to say...its beautiful.
Thick walls keeping the home so cool , wooden furniture , small windows with colorful glass , some portions of the house which I could describe as 'window-walls' , the 'tijori'.
 Every room on the first floor lead to the ground floor by separate staircase! And outside every room was a terrace!
Even though the house was built such a long time back..the architecture and design of the home is amazing. There were rooms inside rooms. Thin long corridors making it up for a perfect 'bhul bhulaiyaa'

The peace which one feels by being at such places is inexpressible. The house smells like  heaven.
And they've had quite a history. 50 goons had attacked few decades back and stolen a lot of jewellery and cash. Plus killed one of their grandfather.
There were swords hanging in the hall.Kinda gave an eerie feeling.

Moving onto some of my thoughts...

- You get mad because you're possessive.
And then you get much more possessive because you realize you are getting mad about this new found possessiveness.
..which makes you madder :P

- If you ask me did I forgive  ?
Well I would only say - unless someone feels sorry .. you do not even have the option to forgive!
Its easier to chuck it and not burn over it. Because maybe you keep fighting against forgiving and forgetting...but the person in question might have already scrapped you.

- Its good to be quiet. But the constant urge to tell someone something or let them know how you feel and yet knowing they would never 'get' it ...makes things difficult.
Some things cannot be explained. Some things do not deserve an explanation. They are only to be understood by oneself!

- There are times when you don't know what is right and wrong. You don't know which sides to take. But you ought to choose. Its a cocktail. Best thing then is to let things be and not try too hard to change any of it. Or derive too much from it.

- Maybe you loose friends to make space for new ones.

Thats all for now.
 Friends complaint  I 'think' more and do less.
I guess I should not say everything I think.

But even then...I finally sang in public. Ok not really public. Half of the batch was not even present.
But I did sing.

....To a romantic hindi song!
 Damn.

( I was criticized for  singing a hindi song. I usually sing English songs at college to a restricted audience. Sometimes even during classes :p )

23.

This post here , deserved to be on my page out of obligation. Coz there's one with descending numbers through the Feb of previous years.

I've turned 23!
And no..I do not choose to convey this more excitedly by express communication of fireworks or applause - in the form of 5-6 extra exclamation marks. Or even putting it across in stars.
I refrain from exaggerating like a hyper kid.

Ironically friends had planned fireworks to celebrate for me.
It is so damned ironical.
Although that plan had to be dumped due to lack of time! So technically it never happened.

My first surprise was - A treasure Hunt! And where do you think they organized it ?
At a MALL! I was hopping from one shop to another for about an hour with 11 clues to crack. Every time I collected my clue from the cash counter of the specific shop , I was greeted with roses and wished teasingly. The friends had requested the cashiers to wish me in different names. :P
Fun it was.


One hour was a little too much though. My friends believed I had turned dumb on my bday. I wasn't GETTING the clues at all! :D  My excuse was that I was darn tired which was reasonable since I attended 2 weddings back-to-back and landed just on the bday eve :P

Second surprise. Well , lets just call it a shock. What do you do when one of your best friend proposes you ?? I suggest..always stay calm! Wise of me to not react. I mean ofcourse I was dumb founded. Totally frozen. I said nothing. Obviously there wasn't going to be a 'yes' from me. However managing a 'No' was getting difficult too.
But guess what ? It was a PRANK. ( thank God!)
A prank that really killed me.
Who does such things on bday dude ? Too much senti-awkward it got later.

A nervous dinner is what I had. Clock ticking too fast. And home calls. Even on bday . Grrrr !
Turning 23 felt rushed. It doesn't sink in. You have fun but you don't know how to enjoy.

Wedding posts shall remain pending.
I'm too cold. I'm too cold-hearted ; Arvy says sometimes it seems it doesn't even beat.:P
I say maybe.
Zombie ?
a Zombie who still gets hurts you know.
Zombies are supposed to be brainless too.

End of discussion :P

140 km/hr

I love to drive my micra :D
Got a chance to drive on highway again. And this time I scampered at a speed of 140 km/hr.
That's the max speed I've been able to dart at.
And it was awesome :D

 An  instant plan made for a day trip. Instant with my circle would mean a plan made ATLEAST 12 hours before its commencement :P
I'd almost given up at a point. It was a bit annoying to coordinate with everyone. Calling , deciding , confirming , de-planning , almost cancelling ,  re-deciding , confirming , informing! :o
Eventually we all made it and am glad we did!

The place we landed at isn't too amazing. A lake and temple is all we had. A lake where having fun was restricted to paddle boating :P 
But with a bunch of crazy friends , every place is fun.

Last sem. The very last sem. 
 Hopefully I'd have better things and such trips to write about than the crap I've put up in last one year.

------

There are always some issues in family. I think the person I take for granted the most is my mom. If she wants to vent .. if she wants to share... if she's mad and hurt...she would talk about it to me. Not the kind of talk where I console or offer any advice. The talk where I listen. The talk where she is HEARD.

Often I'm too busy in my phone , tv , newspaper to not hear a word she says. She would complaint about it and I'd try recollecting whatever little my ears catch. That's hardly compensating. Soooo taking for granted.

I've never had a very friendly relation with my mother , nor did I attempt at having one. It was long clear to me we wouldn't have that sort of rapport. And I've been OK about it. But ignoring her is wrong. Ignoring her is a sin. Coz it doesn't matter how much we share or not , doesn't matter how much I might have upset her previously and how much she upset me... what remains is - she is my mother who cares for me like no one other.
Strangely , sometimes my close friends share a better communication with her.
 It makes me feel so guilty.

Realizations though are good. Better late than never.

-----

I keep saying I'm or precisely - have grown heartless. Aky says its not possible. I pondered about it and yes maybe am not. Because I haven't been rendered emotionless.
So I figured there's a part of me , a part of my heart which was capable of feeling strongly has gone in limbo.

That explains everything else.

Why am not that over excited kid. Why I don't get a rush. Why am smiling but people sense something else and so on.

Although the best effect of this semi-dead heart is that I don't think much.  I don't form opinions , the philosophical dos and donts of life and I take everything , the good or bad - equally well.