I want sci-fi to be real.

So there comes a point - when you just have to helplessly look beyond  , believe the unbelievable and live with the pain.Even when at this particular stage..you can't really feel the pain. Not that you've grown immune to it...but are realistic enough to lock it away & face the void.
Face the void.
Face the void!!
Huh..something that I absolutely dread.

But I believe ..no matter what ...its never really difficult to deal with any damn opera in your life once you make yourself easy. Unless you do that..there is no way you're finishing the mind & heart game.

What a gamble! My dad always says emotional problems don't have rational solutions.
If only . . . I could hire someone to get into the brains of few people and seed  better thoughts!
Inception style.

You don't need drugs.

Best company to have when there is no company :

i pod!

> It doesn't bicker
> It doesn't gossip
> It calms you down
> It makes you forget everything else.
> Great booster for brisk walk.
> It channelizes your anger. ( extremely helpful for me :P)
> You listen to it and even when you slip a few words - it never gets mad at you. Also , it replays :P
> It listens to you too..in a way. All of your mental notes.
> Never to get bored of. Never!
> F--k , it makes you happy. Simply! 

:-) Ok I don't even need to mention I'm hyper at the moment :) :D


Three things I'm absolutely lovin right now : 

3G Internet connection ( Finally able to view streaming videos!! Earlier I had to wait a good 10 mins for a 1 min video to buffer :O  )

Nissan micra ..sexy snazzy car.. love driving it ;-)

Brisk walk with ipod plugged in.

** Someone posted on FB - "You don't need drugs to make you feel  high"
Someone else replied " True. Your dreams are enough"
:-) And I want that feeling. I want that chase.

Dexter

 

I'm SO  hooked to Dexter!

Initially when I watched it - it grossed me.
> FBI and police crap. We've had too much of it from Americans , haven't we ?
> a blood pattern analyst who  also is a homicide!
> Blood , butchering & blood.

Despite all of the above..I kept on watching it with my interest gradually inclining.


Now I find the show quite 'amazing' :O

If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then you would realize how special your are to me

- Dexter morgan

Policy Matters

Its not about 'giving and taking' for me. Its about 'gifting' with 'love'. There's a difference there. Its not an obligation. It comes out of affection. Also , I don't expect anything in return.
And even when I do not gift something to someone close..it doesn't make them any less closer to me. I just haven't found the best for them yet.

I can tolerate liars. I'm a liar myself...a harmless liar.
I just don't like being deceived. I distance myself from people I suspect of deceiving.

I forgive. But I do not forget. And I don't trust again.

I understand my friends cannot always be there for me. I don't hang around like an albatross around their neck for that.

I have an obsessive compulsive punctuality disorder :P I just loathe it when people don't turn up on time.
I hate it when I turn up late too at some rare occasions.
Being punctual  has becomes one of my 'policies'.

Dormant.

You were alone. You are alone. And you will be alone.

Learn to walk alone.

Been given that piece of advice long back. It has only started to sink in my head now ...now when I'm going through intense swapping behavioral , mood and personality changes.

Now when I'm so indifferent , so rugged , so tired ...that all I wish is to go away and really for once..live alone.

At this point. I could trade anything.'Coz I have nothing to loose but only a cloak of these inflexible thoughts overlapping my true self.

I've lost it. Any leftover enthusiasm that there was.
Battling against and for god knows how many voices inside me.

I miss being me.Specially a part of me...that  made efforts to comply with her wants.
Who never refused taking calls..chatting..texting friends... shopping....watching movies.
Who liked disturbing closed ones.
Who now..doesn't talk much. Doesn't feel like talking much.Doesn't grumble. Doesn't want to grumble.
Instead has made herself excessively rude.
Whose friends & parents are not too happy with these fresh undesirable traits.

Someone truly read me right - I've lost the child in me.
And strangely I don't even have an urge to go back to being what I was.
I don't  feel like praying heartily. I only sit in front of the idols staring at them for some sensible explanation. For enlightenment.For magic.

I'm THAT passive.

Life's Good when You're 'ME'

Life is certainly good when you're my brother!
The most loved and pampered kid in my family. And not just by parents and sibling...but also equally pampered by all of my extended family. He has this magnetic personality..he draws people towards him and once someone knows him - its hard not to give him any attention.

On the last day of his school ( KG-II :P)  - all the kids were given mementos and he was tagged   
' The Knowledge Bank'
His teacher was all praises for him , saying he is very bright and has so much knowledge apart from what is taught in school.
Now , one of the rare occasions where I fight to take credit is THIS!

Who do you think taught him shapes and colors even before he went to school !?
Who lectured him about pollution and explained terms such as 'oxygen' and 'carbon di-oxide' ?
Who tells him about planets , spacecrafts , rockets , satellite and airplanes ?
Who answers all his doubts ?
Who takes his math test once a week ?
Who taught what multiplication and division means ..already ?
Who helps him write letters ?
Who taught him to see maps ? Who pointed out major locations across globe for him ?
Who does he ask interesting questions ?
Who explained him the difference between 'dreams' and 'imagination' ?
Who does he confide into ?
Who does he share his mischief in school with ?
Who does he talk to about his girlfriends ? :P lol

Agreed he has super genius brain cells , an ever expanding question bank...amazing retaining capacity which is why teaching him different things has been so much fun.Also agreed ..no matter what I teach him...he confirms the same with one of my parents every now and then :P -- But the truth is I've taught and discussed many many things from different topics over the years and my contribution to his knowledge has been immense.Of course , anyone in my place would have done the same. Any of my cousins would have taught him with same enthusiasm.
But since it was Me - I'm to take the credit :P

The best part is his interest and curiosity. You should see the spark in his eyes when you tell him something new which for him is 'out of the world'. I absolutely love to see that! I love how he communicates.

I may have been a scolding sister ( as he recently called me :D ) but I have loved him and I still love him more than he can imgaine. I apologize to him once in a while for scolding him and he says its Ok :)
The other day I said him that I love him infinite and scold him only a few lacks. He said NO! You scold me crores and you love me infinite! lol :D
He makes me smile.
Whenever he sees me upset..he comes and asks me with pleading eyes what is wrong with me. I say nothing. And he hugs me. Such beautiful moments..its tough to be upset :P

I have been blogging for a few years now and I've mentioned him only a couple of times. That's because there aren't enough superlatives available :) and no matter what - I can never express how much he means to me.

My kiddo brother - I love you infinite raise to infinite ( No idea where he got that term from :P )

Incomprehensible

I find myself debating  whether it is important to let people close to you   KNOW

how much they mean to you....

OR

will the 'essence' of that relation  drain out ... 

will its importance fade away ...

will it not seem so worth once you establish its worth ?

Why do we have to pay so heavily for priceless relations from our emotional account  ?

Why do the most wonderful equations with the most wonderful people become complex ?

Or are already complex. Right from the beginning!

Ok lets chuck that. Whether it is important to express or not.
What eats me in and out is that - Why do we lose out on the relations we love the most ?
Why do they fall apart ?
Why are they complex ?
Why do you have to let go something you've held so close to you ?

Maybe you can never hold it. Its like sand..the more you try to grip it in your palms..the more it slips away..

Strangely ...there aren't any complications where you least bother ..where it doesn't matter whether you lose out or not. Everything sails smooth.
And even if things don't go well  - it f***king doesn't matter!!
I despise Irony.

I'm robbed.
The engine of my emotion has failed.
I'll earn again.
The engine will be repaired again.
And I'll be robbed again.
The engine will fail again.....

M.A.D

I volunteered for a NGO - MAD ( Make A Difference ) - to teach kids English.
Yes , the same MAD which made its presence into the print & news all around - courtesy Mrs Michelle Obama.

Its a very structured and organized NGO which focuses on one prime issue - to teach English.
Moreover most of the volunteers are a bunch of college going students. In fact, the president of my city's branch is my junior!

I joined it in July with a kick-start of a two day teacher training program  and our classes began in August which ended a couple of weeks back.
We were required to give 2 hrs a week.I went to my centre every Sunday. We were six of us teaching 8 kids per volunteer.Our centre has school as well as hostel.And its on the outskirts of the city.

Due to the 5 day gap between our teaching sessions ( 6 other volunteers taught the same bunch of kids on Sat) - we could not manage to cover the entire syllabus as we were required to. Most of the kids could read & write English ..also speak a little but their basics were still weak. Infact after a few classes we realized the students of grade 5th & 6th had a lot of trouble. So we seperated the ones we thought needed more attention & brought them all under the 'primary class' whom one of the vounteers & I taught together.

It was very evident - their learning was all about mugging. They bothered least about how much they could understand for all that they cared about was to copy everything written on the blackboard as fast as they could! What shocked me more was that some of the kids among these 16 ..could write the spelling of 3 or 4 letter words but could not write all the alphabets in proper order ! We spent atleast 3-4 classes on just getting their alphabets right. Gradually we moved on to teach basic words and sentences most commonly used. Teaching for 2 hrs straight and that too a language they barely understood did  get boring for them. So we made them play a lot of interactive games which they absoultely loved!

We were always treated like superstars. The best part was their eagerness and willingness to learn. And of course there were some very bright kids. We were not supposed to give them any sort of incentive like chocolates etc. Instead of that we gave books as prizes when we kept competitions. Also we took with us English newspapers & children magazine which they read with all enthusiasm.

We were never partial with the kids but I always found myself giving more attention to the weakest ones in the class. I remember Rishi from 5th grade who started crying after he couldn't write a single word  in a dictation & all the others were making fun of him.I felt so bad - first I scolded all the others and then I made him smile . He has the cutest smile :)

Once two kids from centre once ran away. One of them was in the primary class ( 5th grade )
Also last heard a 15 yr old girl went back to her parent's place and was to get married. Sad , no ? She was very talented. Singer!
Oh yeah..we had a couple of dancers too! All self-learnt!

Ok back to the point. We weren't biased and we were treated like stars. And the kids had their favorites too :D A couple of girls has grown very fond of me. There was this one - who would always compliment me for my dress. Then the other one who wanted my cell number but we had strict instructions - No contact outside teaching sessions :-| 

But the best part of it all comes here : There were some of the kids I never got a chance to interact with. And on my birthday - whether I was their fav or not ..whether I ever spoke to them or not - they made beautiful birthday cards for me :-) It was just so sweet of them to do so. They sang birthday song for me loudly and I felt like I was back in school :D What fun it was! That was also the last day we taught them.

Today as I look back & write about being a part of Make A Difference...I wonder if I made little difference to even one single kid out there. I hope I did. And I wish them all a very bright future.

How to Kill Boredom

Most ridiculous suggestion ever  :


GET   MARRIED !!


I'll shoot the next person who says that to me.

I've found it funny so far..but now its really getting insulting :-|